help me - just lost it with the kids but so angry at H for leaving

[MrsMiggins]

H left on Sat (incase you havent seen my thread)
thought I was doing OK today

then left work at 3.30pm as just had enough

went shopping instead of coming home crying & bought some clothes - but not really a shopper so cheered me up momentarily

have just lost it with the kids and shouted at them
left them eating icecream in the kitchen

DS said "you're good at shouting" as if it was a compliment
"you're good at whinning" I said and left

am crying
why is it fair that bastard H has gone off with HER and all he has to deal with is work?
while I have part time & kids and am scared stiif about money & house & work etc
he will be living 2 1/2 hrs away so it will onlyu be weekend access

and DS keeps asking why daddy isnt coming back and I keep being nice & fair but I just want to say "because he is selfish and lies"

bag it up in black bin bags. preferably the cheap ones that are so thin, they tear if you just look at them wrong. fill them to bursting. put them on the kerb. tell him they are there and he can collect them.
it is your home. not his. even if he owned it outright, as it is the marital home, and you are/were marrried to him, even without your name on the legal documents, its still partly yours.

ok pl;ease tell me how to deal with this

DS just got out of bed again on pretence of wanting toilet - he started doing this 2 nights ago...then said he wanted to ring daddy, said he was worried and wanted to know when he would see daddy again

do I ring H and tell him this ?
do I ring H and discuss things before he sees DS so that he doesnt agree to things I dont want
should he be able to ring every night or is this what is upsetting DS?

god its hard enough being a parent without being a single one dealing with break up

Couldn't agree more, stitch.

Pack up his clothes and put them in the garage whilst the kids are in bed so they won't have to see it.

He shows up, you tell him, 'Your stuff's in the garage. Get it out before you go.'

Feel SORRY for her b/c she's in hospital?! She's a lying, cheating homewrecking cow! Forget about HER.

if that were me id go out and buy all the kids prezzies for xmas buy some stuff you dont need and dont particularly want and put it all on his card then sell the suff you dont want on ebay will make you feel better

mrsm, not quite the same situation, but when dh and i are having a 'fight' (see my numerous threads on the marital bliss of my life) and the kids want to talk to their dad, especially on the nights he stays in kent, i just dial the number and hand the phone to them. that way, they get to talk to him, and i dont have to interact withhim.
could you let your son talk to his dad on the phone like this? it will help make the git more miserable, and aware of what he is walking away from. and may comfort your son.

DS has spoken to H once tonight already...uh oh hes justr got up again
he is only 3 1/2
has become my little shadow

soooo want to ring H and tell him what hes doing to DS BUT I wont and will just deal with it - after all I have been doing 100% childcare last year anyway

am going to put him back to bed and turn off computer - maybe being next door is making him want me

will go and finish the kitchen - another shock for H when he comes on Friday

starshaker, the reason i dont advise that is that i dont know just to what depths this man will fall.
if he is going to screw her over about money, then it looks bad if she maxes out his card. turns her into the baddie, especially in legal terms.
perhaps she coul d do all the christmas shopping early, on his card, but keep a list of justifications for every purchase. so he cant get nasty about it.

mrsmiggins, let ds phone your h whenever he needs to. You dial the number- ds does the talking. Don't interact with h about it. Ds needs to be there for hom at any time that is what being a parent is about. My ds (just 5) knows daddys number so has phoned him at 6.30 am and one phone call after another on Sunday. If h doesn't like it: tough. Ds needs the reassurance that daddy is still 'there' for him. IHTH x

Well, what if she just spends the money on the kids. That won't look bad in court... at least not in my unqualified opinion.

Hang in there miggins. You are doing fantastically.

Oh, an dI definitely think you should take a holiday tomorrow and get yourself to a solicitor the second they open their doors. Take care of the legal stuff before he does.

Also meant to say as you work part time (more than 16 hours)you are definitely entitled to working tax credits (whatever child support you get - its ignored) Phone the Inland revenue and apply/tell them change of circumstances asap (they can be notoriously slow).

This is very much a "there but for the grace of god" thread. MrsM - the fact that you still care about his feelings is something you can't help because you are clearly a NICE PERSON who wouldn't behave the way your husband has in 8 million years. I really, really feel for you. Men are SO utterly pathetic and undeserving and so are the women who wreck homes in the name of lurve. Sounds to me like you're doing pretty well under excrutiating circumstances.

i agree uwila, thats why i said keep the justification. it can be on her, just dont think she should buy unnecessary stuff to sell on ebay. iyswim.

And I think you should hire a cleaner and some extra childcare. Easy to justify I would have thought - you need to adjust to looking after the kids alone, are feeling understandably shaky and want to be the best mother possible and devote time to helping the kids adjust. And by the way, you are clearly a stronger woman than I as I've cried in front of kids and said just what you didn't. Not proud but there you go. My son stood up for his dad which is fair enough).

MrsM - I have children same age as yours. Dh left nearly a year ago now, came back for a while and then I asked him to leave for various reasons.

I went through the shouting stage at eldest dd and felt horrendous afterwards, but I'm now learning to not take it out on them, although I do have relapses and it's usually when exh has given me stress that day!

I packed all his belongings in cheap bin bags - half of them split as I was packing them and left them outside for him to collect - he was fuming but it felt good!

I'm also having problems with my dd's at night - nightmares, waking up several times, bedwetting, refusing to stay in bed etc. It's much worse after his visits (even the youngest wont sleep straight away and she usually goes straight off as soon as her head hits the mattress!) He sees them every other weekend and like I said I have awful nights after his visits, then this improves during the two week period and then we start the cycle all over again! He calls me a lot of names and says I'm lying etc and just not letting him see the children - but that's really not true.

Eldest dd never asked to phone her dad but for a long time kept asking when he was coming home and would ask him if he was coming to live with us every time he visited (which was more regular at the start) - it broke my heart!

He's being a complete B to us at the minute and pays me minimum he can get away with until its settled properly - I've just cancelled all my direct debits to pay bills as I can't afford to pay for them! Like you, I'm worrying about everything - my house is now sold and I have to move into rented accommodation, I'm a SAHM but will have to return to work etc. My whole world has collapsed.

Everyone told me things would get better and I am slowly beginning to believe them - I shout less, I cry less and I am beginning to feel more in control each day - don't know how I'm going to manage financially but I'm trying to find a way and you will too. Good luck, thinking of you.

But LL, Mrs M might not have such a rubbish time of it. Sorry you have though.

Do all of your food/clothes/shoes shopping on his credit card.

I really really feel for you right now. It must be dreadful.

I would definitely appoint a solicitor. The sooner the better.

One thing that pisses me off is why do the men get to f**k off every time without worrying about it!

This will probably sound harsh, but picture yourself in the same situation. If you didn't want to be with DH anymore would you act like this? How would you act? Anyone who treats you like this simply doesn't love you anymore. You can't make him. It doesn't make you a crap person.

Sending you loads of hugs love.

I really think he is going to turn up expecting to wash his clothes
Am deffo moving all documents tomorrow to my parents house so that if he goes looking its not there
I wont screw him over but dont trust him
then we can discuss things properly when he can spare the time

bet hes not really enjoying his new life tonight

shame (not)

off to bed

Mrs Miggins is FAB
Mrs Miggins is FAB
Mrs Miggins is FAB
Mrs Miggins is FAB
Mrs Miggins is FAB

AND DON'T YOU FORGET IT

i have 3 kids and have been a single parent since i was pg with no.3,she is now 3 years old,my kids went through exactly what LL's kids are going through now,ex only seen them every few weeks supposed to be 6 weekly visits but htey ranged from 6 weeks to 3 months.Eventually on specialist advice from teachers,pyschologists,doctors and solicitors i stopped his access to force him to stabilise his visiting,i allowed him to continue with his twice weekly phone calls till he started telling the boys on the phone how he loved them and was coming to our home town but mummy wouldnt let him see them,resulting in the kids going beserk about all this then i stopped phone contact an dhave been that way since early june!! RESULT- very settled stable kids who are improving by the day!!
The advice given by the specialists regards access which may help you Mrs miggins was to keep the contcat stable,stick to set times/days,get a calendar or chart and mark on it with dads picture or maybe not !! maybe a sticker etc to show when dad is visitng/phoning mark off each day as it goes by so that the kids can see when they will see or speak to dad.The rest of the time keep discussion of him to a minimum to help them re-adjust to him not being around,also keep the visits short i was advised 1 1/2 to 2 hours max,this seemingly helps in that they are not totally wrapped up in dad for hours then devastated when he leaves again!!
Anything else i can think of i will add in here somewhere,regards your own feelings,i was slighlty different in that i wanted our relationship to end so was not as shocked and devastated as some,but the same emotions ran through my head,keep busy decorate,shop,play with the kids,visit friends/family anything that keeps you busy and the time will come when you look back and see how happy youve become with your new life.
Take care xx

oh god
does that mean that him coming all day Sunday is going to confuse the kids?

Im so confused myself
Sunday sounds like a nice family day but who are we all kidding?

hes now coming at 10.30am, taking kids to park, all having sunday lunch, more play in afternoon followed by putting kids to bed and then we're talking & hes going "home"

having said that, we need to sort access out & money etc and with him living 2 1/2 hrs away its just useless and hes "too busy" during the week.

maybe this weekend will be a sorting weekend

why is it that us mums worry to death about the kids yet the men b#gger off and dont seem to give a damn?
and apologises to any men who are single parents whose wives b#ggered off

Oh just noticed the bit about "All having Sunday lunch". Oh, please tell me you aren't cooking lunch for the bastard. He should bring you lunch and then be greatful that you have been gracious enough to bless him with your parent rather than kill him.

And don't you DARE do his laundry.

Then again, if you happen to have the blender out, you can always stick his willy in it.

parent? Sorry, that was supposed to be "presence".

yes I WAS going to cook Sunday lunch for us all

not now

going to insist he cooks proper food (not sandwich) or takes them out - both will be a shock for him

I am going to the gym followed by either Harry Potter by myself if I can find somewhere or lunch at my parents

he needs to get used to actually loooking after his children
I need to get used to the idea he is not coming back