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Original poster

Is this normal behaviour for ex PIL?

22 replies

Whitewithnosugarplease · 11/05/2011 20:02

To not allow DS (4) to bring any of his Xmas/birthday presents from their side of the family home with him. Everything he is bought has to stay at Grannies.
I don't understand this as they are very wealthy and have more toys at their house than he has at home anyway.
Ex h doesn't live with them, he takes DS to visit them for a day every other weekend.
I feel sad for my son, surely this isn't right?

OP posts:
SimpleSingleDad · 11/05/2011 20:29

I'd say that was rather crap and somewhat controlling of them.

What do they do with his toys the other 13 days till he plays with them again?

I'd also venture that they blame you for the breakup, and (I hope) they don't realise that they're punishing their GS, not you, by this pathetic and frankly petty behaviour.

Don't think there's much you can do about it, though.

Mellowfruitfulness · 11/05/2011 20:31

Can you ask your ex partner to talk to his parents about it?

mrscolour · 11/05/2011 20:34

My ex has bought the kids loads of new stuff since we split 3 months ago and all of it stays at his house. When he's bought clothes for my DD (doesn't seemt to have bothered with DS!) she has only got them once she's stayed over. It's DS's birthday on Saturday and I'm waiting to see if any of his presents from daddy or daddy's family make it back here.
I feel like you do that it's quite sad for them and also that he's just trying to buy their affection and making sure they want to visit him lots.

SimpleSingleDad · 11/05/2011 20:40
ladydeedy · 11/05/2011 20:43

i can understand it. We used to buy games/clothes for my DH's kids when they were small and they used to go back to their mum's. We never saw them again which meant they had few toys to play with when they came to us, and also would turn up in just the clothes they were wearing (for the next 2 or 3 days) so we would buy more clothes... they would go back home.. again never seen again and so the cycle would continue.

If there are one or two things though that they love, that are at Grannie's perhaps you could kindly ask if they could come home with the kids and be enjoyed for the rest of the time (although personally I think there is something to be said for them to have something different to play with when they visit their dad/grandparents).

Original poster
Whitewithnosugarplease · 11/05/2011 21:09

Ladydeedy. Surely there is a difference between having toys at GP's house for them to play with and not allowing them to take their presents home?

OP posts:
Original poster
Whitewithnosugarplease · 11/05/2011 21:13

Mellow. My ex h also thinks what they are doing is wrong but wouldn't dare tell them so.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 12/05/2011 10:08

it is a small issue to get upset about.
so he has toys there to play with.
great!

yes is odd to say - here is your present but you can only keep it here. but best way to deal with that kind of behaviour is NOT to get upset about it.

if your son has something special there he really loves - well save up and buy a duplicate.

to keep at your place.

my exP got mad because i got my DC a wii - he had got them one to use at his place. he didnt get why they should also ahve one at the place where they mostly live.
but now they can play wii at both places - surely it makes sense? split families two home etc etc.

it isnt worth getting upset about -that is how they are.

millie30 · 12/05/2011 10:25

I know how you feel OP, it's annoying. My ex bought my DS some christmas presents to the contact centre he goes to once a month, then took them away with him again and they've never been seen since! Something to do with not wanting me to benefit from them apparently, but DS isn't benefitting from them either! I'm now wondering whether he even purchased them, or just "borrowed" them for the day to look good!

It's petty and irritating but unfortunately there's not much you can do.

whiteandnerdy · 12/05/2011 10:48

Hmm, it's difficult to think what the exact rational behind your xPIL's not letting your child take presents home with them, however when I visited my own mother with the kids (passed away now), we would have a suitcase of toys such as jigsaws, lego and wooden blocks at their granny's (we're not talking Playstations or Nintendo's here). I also wouldn't let them take any of these toys home with them, the house simply wasn't really family orientated and so I felt it helped to have this treasure chest of toys at their granny's rather than having to bring toys with them (which they'd have already played with) because they know otherwise they'd get bored at granny's house because there'd be nothing there to do.

Again not saying this is the case but I can see there is a rational for giving granny's house that a bit of wow factor. My home always has a wow factor because it's full of parental awsomeness, OK, well hopefully most of the time WinkGrin!!

WinterLover · 12/05/2011 10:57

My DP has this with his exW. She's told us and their DD(5) that anything from Daddy's house has to stay at Daddy's and she's not allowed to bring anything here from her mums. Anything that does float back to her mums, either her mum or step dad put in the bin :( It also goes for anything bought for her by any of DPs relatives or my relatives.

She comes in the clothes she's stood up in and has to get changed when she arrives at ours as exW shouts at her and my DP if she gets an ounce of muck on her.

It kinda works ok for us as shes here at weekends and holidays and if she took anything back with her she'd have to share it with her step brother. So basically she has two homes, a full set up here and a full set up at her mums.

It is petty but your DC will realise it at some point in the future, just bite your lip and hope that they get bored with it :)

Original poster
Whitewithnosugarplease · 12/05/2011 11:35

Thanks so much for your replies.
I honestly don't have an issue with DS having toys at different houses I totally get the need for that in split families. It is purely the fact he is never allowed to bring any of his presents home. As I have said he already has masses of toys at Granny's anyway that are bought throughout the year.
He does get sad that he's not allowed to bring anything home, just seems harsh to me that he opens presents and then a few hours later told that no he can't take them home.
Unfortunately there is no way I can save and duplicate the kinds of things they buy on a regular basis, I am doing my best to bring him up with no financial support from ex h at all.

OP posts:
Sapphirefling · 12/05/2011 20:12

ExH is like this with the toys that he buys the children. It is upsetting for them becasue they can't understand 'why' and as he has now dropped contact again, there are even longer intervals between them being able to play with new toys.

Original poster
Whitewithnosugarplease · 12/05/2011 21:24

it's cruel isn't it? I feel so sorry for all the children subjected to this not just mine. Why on earth do they do it? It has to be some kind of control thing, they certainly are are not considering how it affects the kids

OP posts:
portaloo · 16/05/2011 10:58

Same situation here. Anything my XP buys for DD for birthday's, christmas etc stays at his. His parents/grandparents send anything they buy for DD to XP's too. That stays there too.
Unfortunately, this also includes shoes he has bought for DD, regardless of the fact that I could not afford a pair of shoes for DD at the time. XP point blank refused to send DD back in them.
My other problem is that in 2 years, XP has moved at least 6 times, so lots of things get lost in transit.
I just accept it now, and try not to give it any thought.
He did explain his reasons for doing this as because he wanted DD to have toys to play with when she is at dads, and toys for home. This does not explain why he wont let her come home in perfectly fitted shoes though, that was just spiteful, but I expect nothing less from my XP.
DD doesn't seem to be upset by it just yet. She is more upset at not seeing him at all because he's cozied up with another new girlfriend.

WishIWasRimaHorton · 16/05/2011 11:58

ah so it's not just my exH then? all the toys he buys (and he buys LOADS) must stay at his. must not come to mine. this causes huge problems for DS (DD is still too little yet) as he wants the new shiny toy that daddy has just bought him an hour before mummy comes to pick him up. and therefore he doesn't want to go back to mummy's house. he wants to stay at daddy's house with said new shiny toy.

and then when exMIL is there with exH (seemingly every time there is contact - even though she lives 300 miles away), she also brings new things. which must stay at daddy's house. and then DS is screaming and crying in front of not only his dad but also his grandmother about not wanting to go to mummy's house.

when he is screaming and crying about not wanting to leave, he actually says 'i want to stay at daddy's because daddy has better toys'. :(

Original poster
Whitewithnosugarplease · 21/05/2011 12:40

I really sympathise with you, this is exactly what I get. They think they are so clever and all they are doing is manipulating the children, it's just plain cruel

OP posts:
gillybean2 · 21/05/2011 15:52

If they screamed and yelled about leaving toys behind they were enjoying at a play group, school, friends house they'd just have to leave them there because they don't belong to them. Technically the toys left at Ex or ExPIL fall into this catagory of not belonging to the child but to the person who bought them. Maybe it's a case of explaining to the dc concerned that while they were told it is a present/toy for them it actually still belongs to Ex/ExPIL and so they must decide when and where they can play with it.

In the same way that you'd get fed up if toys you bought got sent to the Ex and didn't come back or you didn't see your dc enjoying them. I can't see many people packing up the wii to go off with the kids on the weekend. Just because it's smaller and not as expensive does the same principle not apply?

Believe it or not some RP (and NRP) do bin anything and everything their ex has bought and sends over for their dc.
Whatever their reasons the only way to deal with it is to explain that it upsets dc and so could they not refer to it as a present because dc then expect to take it away with them thinking it was given to them. And if that doesn't work then you just have to tell dc that you don't know why they do that and that they should ask ExPIL about it perhaps because you have tried and still don't understand...

WishIWasRimaHorton · 23/05/2011 22:33

gillybean2 -how do you explain that to a 4 year old? daddy buys you these things, and so does grandma, but they don't belong to you. how does that work? in my case, we have shared residence. so there is no sense of one home being less of a home than another home. so why the parochialism over toys? and the deliberate unveiling of toys prior to a handover?

and yes, toys from my house can go to daddy's. chances are they won't come back. but if DS / DD is desperate for them on another occasion, then i will ask for them back. and if i can be bothered to go rooting through the toyboxes at ex's house, i will bring them back with me.

gillybean2 · 23/05/2011 22:48

You can't explain, you simply say you don't know why they do that.

My ds now questions his grandparents (my parents) on things and tells them when he thinks they are not being fair. They treat him differently to his cousins. But then they always treated me differently to my sisters too when growing up but that's a whole different story.

The difference is I never questioned it because I was never allowed too. I've made sure he has grown up knowing he can question things and give his opinion and won't be slapped for asking or disagreeing.

Latemates · 23/05/2011 23:05

Wishiwasrimahorton.....

Interesting that you say your son cries when he leaves his dads as you have been concerned over the children being desperately unhappy with the new shared residency court order in your post.

Maybe this shows you would benefit from taking a step back and trying to relax about the whole situation (yes you have your concerns and maybe always will) because your children will have their ups and downs with both their parents but overall seam happy with both also

WishIWasRimaHorton · 23/05/2011 23:20

latemates - yes, he does cry when he leave his dad's when his dad (or grandma) unveils a toy immediately prior to my arrival. and you are right - kids have their ups and downs. and they are fickle. but tonight, after reading my son a story and kissing him goodnight, i went to switch the light out and he burst into tears. he thought he was going to his dad's tomorrow.

you will notice from my post, though, that i said he is screaming and crying about leaving toys behind. i am very clear about that. and those are the circumstances when he kicks up a fuss about leaving daddy's.

but read it as you will. i know you will anyway.

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