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Original poster

Ex-p didn't return dd yesterday, she is apparently coming home today

56 replies

Paintinmyhair · 28/03/2011 12:46

So she has missed school, I have had a rough night's sleep (not for the first time) and he hasn't let her ring me. This is not the first time this has happened. Where do I take it from here? She is only just 7, is used to it already Sad, but doesn't want to go to his house any more. We have no court order in place, he pays no maintenance, didn't even ring on her birthday, and didn't see her for over six months (his choice) earlier in the year. Am I ever allowed to just say no to contact for a while? She is going to be worried for the next few trips that the same thing will happen again.

OP posts:
QueenOfFlippingEverything · 28/03/2011 12:49

Holy crap of course you can say No More.

What a prize knob Angry

Just refuse any more visits. Let him take you to court. See what they say then.

TBH if I were in your situation I'd call the police now so it is on record. Does he have PR?

overmydeadbody · 28/03/2011 12:49

Did he contact you yesterday to let you know she wouldn't be home till today? Or were you jusdt left to guess and wait?

I'd think this is a very big deal and you need some professional advice, especially if she is missing school due to it. Surely he is being negligent?

If you say no to contact he would have to go through courts, and then all of this would come up and he would be forced to pay maintainance I would have thought.

You poor thing and your poor dd.

overmydeadbody · 28/03/2011 12:50

Yep I thought of calling the poice too, and the school.

Needanewname · 28/03/2011 12:52

Definitely contact whoever you need to so it is on record and get yourself to a solicitor to get the right advice now.

Original poster
Paintinmyhair · 28/03/2011 12:53

I had to ring him when he didn't show up last night, and he told me then. Again for today, I had to contact him to find out if she was coming home. He has PR, and I think this has got serious enough for professional advice too, but am worried about the cost. I'm worried about the state dd will be in, and he will think a MCDonalds happy meal will make her forget it all, I'm sure. I haven't even had an apology. I think I am more sad that I'm not angry, but I think that is because it is hiding somewhere, and will all come out once she is safe (I'm scared that if I'm angry at him at all she won't come home).

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Original poster
Paintinmyhair · 28/03/2011 12:58

What would I say if I called the police? His excuse was that his car had been stolen on Saturday night, but by this time it was so late (8pm) that I didn't want her doing the 300 mile journey with school the next morning, so I'm worried it is my fault.

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Original poster
Paintinmyhair · 28/03/2011 13:01

I rang school this morning and explained, and spoke to the headmistress just now (although am not entirely sure she believed me, oh well!), so they have it, but I feel so helpless.

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PfftTheMagicDragon · 28/03/2011 13:02

Well is that true? Was his car stolen? Did you tell him that she shouldn't do the journey?

sparks · 28/03/2011 13:02

It's NOT your fault! Angry HE is the one who failed to bring her back as promised and failed to inform you.

Lemonylemon · 28/03/2011 13:06

If his car was stolen on Saturday night, he should have set about getting her home on Sunday morning...... It's not an excuse.

I think you should start the ball rolling with getting some good legal advice. Maybe a lawyer which offers half hour free advice?

Bucharest · 28/03/2011 13:07

I would have called the police.

PfftTheMagicDragon · 28/03/2011 13:10

Yes, of course, he should have brought her back earlier, just aware that if she goes to the police and she did tell the ex not to bring her back late, then she might not get anywhere.

Newbabynewmum · 28/03/2011 13:17

Solicitors do a free hour normally for you to get some advice. Would you qualify for legal aid?

If I were you I'd organise it straight away. Just knowing someone's on your side will help you feel stronger.

Please do something. I feel awful for you xx

Original poster
Paintinmyhair · 28/03/2011 13:23

He wouldn't have called me if I hadn't contacted him, so I wouldn't have known about the car being stolen or her coming back if I hadn't rung, but I wanted her to be safe so told him not to drive her back so late at night. He was apparently trying to organise a hire car at 8pm on a Sunday night, and would have missed the last train down here, so couldn't have got her here yesterday anyway, but I feel that now it is my fault, and that the police would see it that way too. I may qualify for legal aid, but am not sure. I will go and see the CAB though, and see what they say. I just can't wait to hug her! I have no idea if his car was stolen, as he always brings her back in his Grandma's car, so I don't even know if he has one; I have never seen it (I always drive her up there, and he always brings her back).

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Original poster
Paintinmyhair · 28/03/2011 13:24

And now I'm not even making any sense, I am so sorry!

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PfftTheMagicDragon · 28/03/2011 13:26

Oh paint, don't worry. I'm not surprised, you must be worried sick.

PfftTheMagicDragon · 28/03/2011 13:26

can you go and get her?

Original poster
Paintinmyhair · 28/03/2011 13:29

If she isn't home by 7.30 I am going to get her. I know I seem like I am being incredibly stubborn, but a) I can't afford the petrol, so will have to borrow money for it, which I don't want to do, and b) I feel that he should bring her back, or at least have the chance to, and if he doesn't we cut contact. And I need to calm down, as I need to drive safely!

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Original poster
Paintinmyhair · 28/03/2011 13:31

Ok, am trundling off to the CAB now and collecting dp from work on the way (thank heavens I have him, he is so wonderful) so that he can be conherent! Will hopefully put a huge post on here soon shouting "She Is Home!!!!!". Defo bread and butter pudding with ice cream and strawberries on the top for tea tomorrow, she deserves it!

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ChristinedePizan · 28/03/2011 13:33

I would be furious. Totally, totally unacceptable that she misses school. I don't know much about the legal position I'm afraid but if he brings her back in Grandma's car normally, then his car being stolen is neither here nor there. Can you speak to Grandma?

cestlavielife · 28/03/2011 14:44

she goes 300 miles to see him?

he didnt tell you there was a problem til you rang him at 8 pm sunday?
mind boggles...

unless he going to be better at communciation then i wouldnt send her...

oliviasmama · 28/03/2011 16:13

Go to a solicitor. You can't afford to do this any other way now. I've been through something very similar to you and sought advice through a solicitor who specialises in family law. They wrote two letters to my XP which stated in no uncertain terms what was expected of him if he was to see our DD on a regular basis (every other weekend overnight) and if he did not adhere to these rules, they also advised him of the consequences and that all court costs would be claimed against him. He bullied me for a year and a half and in the end gave me no option other than to go to the police and also to my solicitor. The whole process cost me £200 and it was worth every single penny. He collects our DD every other weekend on a saturday morning at 10.30am and returns her at 5.30pm the following day. This is what was stated in the solicitors letter and this is exactly what he does, if he doesn't return her at 5.30pm on the Sunday the police are immediately informed and further restrictions / court orders will be placed upon him.

I hear from him on the friday evening every other week, confirming that he will collect her on the Saturday morning. He is polite and respectful. He is the same when he brings her home on the Sunday and that is as it should be. It also works very well for my DD who is 3 and a half, it gives her structure and she looks forward to seeing her Daddy.

I know you must be hard up for cash as you mentioned that you couldn't afford the fuel to go and collect her so this suggestion may seem a little steep financially but believe me, it'll be the best money you ever spend.

thumbwitch · 28/03/2011 16:18

You poor thing - that would have worried me senseless.:(

I think you would have very little problem sorting this out via the courts - they take a very dim view of missing school for no good reason.

cestlavielife · 28/03/2011 16:25

olivias mama - i am impressed !
no amount of court orders/sol letters can make my ex " polite and respectful"

Latemates · 28/03/2011 18:53

Just a sugestion... Rather than stop future contact which may cause you daughter to be alienated from her father by losing contact and it is important that she continues to have contact (although some changes will need to be made to ensure the situation isn't repeated) Why not swap ... At the moment you take her down to her dads and he is meant to bring her back... If you swapped and he collected from you at start of contact and you collected form him on the Sunday it would mean he couldn't extend contact by not bringing her back and if he had car trouble it would be his contact that is being lost not your daughters school routine.

Hope your daughter is ok x