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Lone parents

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Original poster

Ex-p didn't return dd yesterday, she is apparently coming home today

56 replies

Paintinmyhair · 28/03/2011 12:46

So she has missed school, I have had a rough night's sleep (not for the first time) and he hasn't let her ring me. This is not the first time this has happened. Where do I take it from here? She is only just 7, is used to it already Sad, but doesn't want to go to his house any more. We have no court order in place, he pays no maintenance, didn't even ring on her birthday, and didn't see her for over six months (his choice) earlier in the year. Am I ever allowed to just say no to contact for a while? She is going to be worried for the next few trips that the same thing will happen again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Paintinmyhair · 29/03/2011 09:31

Latemates, that is a very good idea. Originally I took her up because he couldn't get here on a Friday night, but that no longer applies, so I will insist on switching (as on the times where has has meant to pick her up he has always been a no-show). That it what we shall do from now on!

OP posts:
Original poster
Paintinmyhair · 29/03/2011 09:34

And She Is Home!!! The form teacher had a word with her about missing school yesterday Hmm but I spoke to the lovely administrator and she said all is fine re the absence, it has been authorised. I think I am going to a solicitor, no matter what it costs, as dp's only words at drop off were "so I'm having her for the easter holidays. I'll collect her on the Friday" and then kept pressing and pressing. He wouldn't have dared do that if dp was there.

OP posts:
PfftTheMagicDragon · 29/03/2011 09:45

Oh Paint, I am so glad that she is back and fine.

I think you need to get some legal advice, don't let him bully you.

Gonzo33 · 29/03/2011 14:28

wonders if she has the same ex as cestlavie

To the OP. Please get legal advice. I know it can be expensive (although you may qualify for legal aid) but it is so important when it comes to children to deal with things as quickly as you can.

I hope that everything works out for you.

Me xx

Meglet · 29/03/2011 21:35

Bloody hell Sad.

CAB or even Womens Aid? Family Mediation if you can afford it or a Contact Centre if he keeps on pissing around. And if she really doesn't want to go to his house then he shouldn't force her.

Latemates · 29/03/2011 21:55

She needs to see her father maglet. It is important that a child gets to have a relationship with both parents. The mother needs to continue to encourage this along side making the adjustments to ensure her daughter is safe. Stoping contact while may annoy ex partner is only going to hurt the child. Even when children don't want to see a parent this relationship should be encouraged (providing no risks or through reducing risks via contact centres or other methods). After all children don't always want to go to school or the dentist but they have to as it is for their benefit.

smallwhitecat · 29/03/2011 21:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Satireisbest · 29/03/2011 22:03

Do you think it would be better to drag the daughter through a potentily lengthy caught battle, and supervised contact?

Knowing full well he will probably get awarded the same contact at the end?

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 29/03/2011 22:07

But it's this man's fault if there is a court battle. HE is the one making difficulties by messing the OP and the DD about. When someone repeatedly behaves unreasonably, the only thing to do is get a legal structure in place with consequences if they break the agreed rules. It soudns fairly clear that this man is not so much interested in his DD's wellbeing as he is in jerking the OP around.

Meglet · 29/03/2011 22:10

She doesn't need to see her father if he is incapable of behaving responsibly and she doesn't enjoy spending time with him. Not all dads are wonderful.

This is a little different from school, dentist or doctors.

Latemates · 29/03/2011 22:18

The problem is that his reasoning could have proof behind it. Not saying it is likely but if she goes to court over this and he has garage breakdown records for that weekend, and they state they kept him waiting till late on the Sunday before stating car couldn't be fixed. He then has record of trying to sort hire car at which point mum said don't bring her back now as too late.
It could end up like mum trying to cause problems.
That's probably not what would happen.... But stranger things have happened and as I suggested earlier she could make changes through mutual agreement or a solicitors letter which would prevent this happening again without the need to go through a lengthily court case which may or may not vote in her favour. And ultimately although this weekend was far from ideal I do not take it from her messages that the father would harm his daughter. Whereas stopping contact without considering every alternative could cause long term harm.
If she is being harmed by contact then that is a whole different kettle of fish

Satireisbest · 29/03/2011 22:20

If there isn't a court order and she doesn't want to go, why is she going?

NicknameTaken · 30/03/2011 11:06

I agree with Satire that OP is on a lot stronger ground trying to get defined access rather than trying to stop it altogether. OP, even if you can't get legal aid, you should be able to pay the solicitor in small-ish monthly installments, and it's definitely worth having set rules in place.

smallwhitecat · 30/03/2011 12:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Paintinmyhair · 31/03/2011 09:03

She hasn't even stayed at his house it transpires! He has "forgotten" to pay his rent for the past few months, so is homeless and dossing around friends' houses (this man is 30). She has been staying at her Grandma's since Christmas. He pops in to see her in the afternoons (she told me all of this over the dinner table last night, minus the dossing word). My hackles are really up now!! I'm breaking my back getting her up there, giving up a day of my weekend, spending £60 on petrol (plus service station food etc) having all the worry, getting no financial recompense from him in any form, and he is seeing her for a handful of hours in that time. I hope the solicitor rings me back soon!!!

OP posts:
ChristinedePizan · 31/03/2011 09:13

If you don't hear from them by 10.30am, ring again. You really need to get the trains in motion. He sounds utterly chaotic. Can you talk to his mum too? It's dreadful that they are being so opaque over where your DD is and what she's doing - you shouldn't have to rely on your DD telling you what's going on.

Why do you think she hasn't told you before that she hasn't been staying with him?

cestlavielife · 31/03/2011 10:24

paint can you get this confirmed from his mother? do you talk to her?

it is nice of course she sees grandma but if point is to see him for weekend then it seems nuts.

(my dds came out with stuff months after the event - children dont always tell you things straight off, espec if they think there may be repurcussions or you may get angry...)

Original poster
Paintinmyhair · 31/03/2011 10:38

I get on fairly well with his mum, as I tend to rage internally instead of at ex-p or his mum, as it wouldn't get me anywhere. She has admitted that dd only stays there.

Dd knows I dislike the way her father does things, but would never worry about me being angry at her. However, she does try to protect her Dad, as she is worried that he isn't very capable, and that she should be looking after him better Sad.

I think they are being opaque because they know this isn't how it should be happening, but don't want to stop seeing dd, which is fair. However, I am cross that he can't possibly afford even £5 in maintenance, or to buy her any clothes, so I have to send her with them for them never to return etc, which I have (for some stupid reason) taken on board, but he hasn't even been attempting to keep a roof over her head, and has just been offloading the responsibility onto everyone else.

OP posts:
ForkfulOfTabouleh · 31/03/2011 12:15

latemates said "She needs to see her father maglet. It is important that a child gets to have a relationship with both parents."

Yes ideally a child will have a relationship with his/her father.

What is important is that a father takes responsibility for that relationship and for caring for a child.

What we have it this situation is:

  • several times father has not returned DD at the agreed time
  • this has included at least 1 school day = unauthorised absence and basically just not what decent parents do
  • father did not ring to tell OP about "car trouble" just did not show up
  • father would not let OP speak to her DD FFS
  • 7 year old says she doesn't want to see her father anymore
  • father did not even ring DD on her birthday
  • father made a choice to not see daughter for over 6 months
  • (father pays no maintenance)*
  • father does not return DDs property/clothes etc
  • father says "so I'm having her for the easter holidays. I'll collect her on the Friday" and keeps pressing and pressing
  • it now transpires that OP had not known where her DD was (at Grandma's)
  • father is not spending much of the weekend contact time with her
thumbwitch · 31/03/2011 12:46

I think whatever else you get in place, you need to change the pick up arrangements pronto. Then you can make sure you get the clothes back as well! You can't keep buying new clothes for your DD because they don't return from her weekend away, that's ridiculous. How hard is it for him to re-pack her bag with all her clothes in? In fact, if she's staying at her grandmother's anyway, how hard is it for her grandmother to pack up her clothes again?

I do hope that you can get this sorted out, for everyone's sake, but particularly your DD's.

ChristinedePizan · 31/03/2011 12:48

Your poor DD worrying about looking after her dad :( That's not right for a 7YO.

It sounds like his mum is enabling him to remain so childlike by not fessing up that she's looking after your DD rather than her dad. Did you hear from the solicitor yet?

Latemates · 31/03/2011 12:55

I never said dad in this case was perfect or hadn't done things wrong. What I suggested is that the childs needs should be put first and that may not be cutting all contact. If you read in earlier posts on here you will see I suggest a change that would prevent a stunt of not brining daughter back being repeated by the father.
The father needs to put child first also but I was and am trying to balance the argument many on her have which is to cut all contact.

Your right paying maintenance or not does not affect contact but thoses who do pay willingly are refused contact by (some) gready mums who do not put children first and would prefer the money over the children having a relationship with their dad.

There is always 2 sides to everything. But above all this is the childs side.

TheMotherOfAllDilemmas · 31/03/2011 13:07

"She needs to see her father maglet. It is important that a child gets to have a relationship with both parents. The mother needs to continue to encourage this along side making the adjustments to ensure her daughter is safe. Stoping contact while may annoy ex partner is only going to hurt the child. Even when children don't want to see a parent this relationship should be encouraged (providing no risks or through reducing risks via contact centres or other methods). After all children don't always want to go to school or the dentist but they have to as it is for their benefit."

I agreed wholeheartedly with that, until I realised that I was agreeing to it because I was afraid of my ex's possible reaction, rather than because I believed that such contact was in the best interest of my son. It took a solicitor to tell me "you are his mother, why are you allowing this?" (that after she read a 25 pages record of negative incidents in the space of 3 months) for me to finally accept what contact was doing to my child.

Try to detach yourself from the situation, start a record of every incident (lateness, lack of care, emotional abuse etc) and try to formalise the agreement you have, you can suggest such formalisation in an amicable way (via mediation whose outcome can be formalised by court if you both agree), but don't leave this to drag on, the longer the arrangements are unclear the bigger the scope for misunderstandings and conflicts.

TheMotherOfAllDilemmas · 31/03/2011 13:09

I agree that contact is good, but whenis structured and decided with the interests of the child in mind (many parents can put this to the side if annoyed). The most structured it is, the less possibility conflict therefore a much happier child.

ForkfulOfTabouleh · 31/03/2011 14:31

Latemates I deliberately didn't bring up your "suggestion" but since you've now repeated it; I will give my opinion:

OP should not need to amend her behaviour to somehow prevent the Father's awful behaviour!

It is not the OP's fault and she should not be made to feel responsible or feel that there is some way she could avoid the issues/problems the father creates.