Ex-p didn't return dd yesterday, she is apparently coming home today

[Paintinmyhair]

So she has missed school, I have had a rough night's sleep (not for the first time) and he hasn't let her ring me. This is not the first time this has happened. Where do I take it from here? She is only just 7, is used to it already , but doesn't want to go to his house any more. We have no court order in place, he pays no maintenance, didn't even ring on her birthday, and didn't see her for over six months (his choice) earlier in the year. Am I ever allowed to just say no to contact for a while? She is going to be worried for the next few trips that the same thing will happen again.

No your right mum shouldn't have to amend her behaviour if father has done soemthing wrong but quite often in the best interest of our children we choose to make sacrifices/amendments to ensure that our children do get the best.

If there is anyway mum can make it work without a lenghly court battle, or further problems for her duaghter and herself then that is surely better then trying to explain to her in years to come why father is not part of her life. Maybe it is a hopeless case, maybe contact will have to be stopped. But if she knows she did everything she could then that will make the possible future converstaion easier.

Since OP she has also found out that daughter has been staying at grannies not with father which is a whole different thing again. It is in the news today about the importance of relationships with grandparents so maybe OP could liaise with Grannie and contact could be with her and father during the time, that way if father is irisponsible grannie is in charge and the child continues to have a relationship with the larger family even if it is limited/stopped with father

funny isn't it latemates how you spend most of your time making excuses for useless men you have never met

op I would go through a solicitor and get something set in place through mediation, that way he has to speak to you and you both gat a say in what goes on

he is totally taking the piss not telling you where your daughter is actually spending her access time

I would say no contact until this is sorted because of his lying, if he is lying you can't trust him. Also no contact will speed up his bullshit excuses, get a flat, or conntinue contact at grannies but have it in writing that he informs you of where she is staying

by letting him do this you are saying you will put up with inconsistancies which is NOT good for your daughter

good luck

(it took me a year to get my useless ex to sort himself out but now things are good, this is because I put clear boundaries down about what I expected and I went through solicitors and mediation. The only way he would listen to me..)

Grannies contact is a fantastic idea, but I would like the law to let me choose if that is actually right for my child rather than spend thousands of pounds trying to make them understand that circumstances may not make that option the perfect idea it may seem.

FWIW, family courts are not like criminal courts, the evidence is often obviated, they simply don't have the time to read the full file. Try to sort it amicably/via mediation, otherwise it may end up becoming an expensive back stabbing exercise that has nothing to do with the children.

I don't know what is funny where children are concerned.
I'm not sticking up for useless men more trying to stick up for children stuck in the middle.

There are many non useless men and many useless men just as there are useless mums and non useless mums.

But generally speaking children love parents regardless of weaknesses.

Why is it so wrong to offer alternatives? I have made mistakes myself (gosh a women who knows she hasn't always done the right thing) and I live with that and the effect it has on my children. All I am trying to do is offer alternatives. I haven't once suggested she allow her daughter to go without put provisions to make sure this doesn't happen again. Mediation, solicitors will of course help all I have suggested is that she does not stop all contact. This is not for her or him.... This is for the child

Latemates, I think it's great that you are providing an alternative view. I disagree with it but to be honest I think it is balancing the discussion somewhat.

And I also agree that many nrp are doing good and some are not doing so bad, so ...good to see their side of the issue represented here.

Thank you... And that really is what these forums are here to do ... Discuss both sides and alternatives. People are never going to agree on everything but sometimes seeing other points of view help us grow as individuals. It would be a pretty boring forum if people agreed with everything.