I want to appeal CSA decision.

[Essexmumof3]

Ex and I split up 8 years ago - we had an arrangement for him to pay £300 a month maintenance for our DD which he kept to.
DD started secondary school in September and costs rose for lunches, school bus, trips and going out at weekends with friends etc... teenagers are expensive!!
I asked ex for more money to help but he said he couldn't afford it as he has a new wife and 2 other children.
I contacted the CSA and they have done an assessment on him and have come back with £14 a week maintenance !!! How can anyone cope on that? It's a joke - she costs me that a day. I asked them to look at it again and they have come back and said they believe the amount is correct but I can appeal if I want to.
If he could manage £300 a month before surely he shouldn't pay any less now - ex is saying he will pay what CSA want and no more but I can't meet the bills on £60 a month. I know his new wife works so they must have more income than that.
Has anyone else appealed a CSA decision? How does the system work? Is it enough to show what he was paying previously as proof he can afford more? Even if it goes back to £300 a month it would be better.

Shameless ??

InnocentRedhead I hear what you and a lot of others here are saying. Maybe I did go about it the wrong way to begin with. I was trying to protect myself and as I saw it my daughter and make my life easier.
Yes I should have left it alone in hindsight but I didn't.

Holding on to such levels of anger for so long is terribly unhealthy.

Resentment is like swallowing poison and hoping that someone else drops down dead. The only person it hurts is yourself. And, sadly, your daughter as well.

Whatever the reason for your relationship breakdown...relationships do break do and there is hurt. But involving children in that emotional hurt is not a good thing.

If your ex had an affair I can see your hurt but again involving your child in that punishment is still wrong and does nothing to help your DC - it's an act designed to hurt him and make you smile at that hurt. Nothing else.

Working - go into a charity shop in school hours and offer some hours. Today.

then consider what you'd really like to do? Do you have friends who work? Ask them? Work will not come to you....go and gte it.

It will be tough and you will have to adjst your attitude I strongly suspect (becuase you do expect everyone to fit around you a bit?) but it will be a positive move for you and broaden your horizons. Your DC will respect you more.

Talk to the ex about contact. You will have to make it clear that you know you were wrong and just see if he would like to meet DD. Then discuss with her.

All change
All frightening
But change can also be soooooo good. :)

Ouch. I knew my ex had several pay rises since our maintenance agreement was made through the CSA

Before going for it though as he has 2 other kids now I looked at the CSA guidelines forworking it out, saw that I would actually end upwith about £20 less a month and scrapped that idea. Sorry not helpful I know but a note to anyone reading to check before you claim if you already have a private or even CSA agreement

Hope you get it sorted somehow OP

I know that children are not pay per view, but honestly, I think that women like the OP who deliberately block contact for no good reason should forgo the right the maintenance. That way there are very real financial repercussions for their bad behaviour, as well as a simple solution - resume contact!

OP, you have stolen this man's child from him, and more importantly, you have stolen your daughter's father from her. I suggest you use your ample free time to research the damage you have done to her, and then try to put it right, not just by allowing contact, but by actively encouraging it.

As for money - You are aware that you are financially responsible for your children too? That your ex is paying his share of her upkeep, and it is down to you to provide the rest? Sounds to me like you expect your exes and the state to fund you making a choice which tends to be a luxury - staying at home. Get a job. Teenagers do not need you at home in the holidays FFS.

I think you need help OP in getting over your issues. Your behaviour has been and still is unacceptable. My exH left me and our 2 children after having an affair. He moved in with OW and although it tore me apart (he too was the love of my life) I made sure my children saw him regularly (and yes, the OW was involved as they lived together). He has paid maintenance every single month without fail, and for the sake of the children we both agreed that we would keep it civil. Over the 11 years since we've split (and my subsequent re marriage) we have become friends, good friends. He comes up for the DCs birthdays, parents evenings etc (he lives 40+ miles away) and is taking all of us, myself and my youngest DD included who isn't his, to dinner next week for our son's birthday.
Our DC have benefited hugely from this and have thanked both of us many times for making this so easy for them. You will come to regret your actions.

OP, why don't you go back to college? Do a home study course? Learn a new skill? Then you won't need a CV, you can work for yourself. You are making excuses.

wow just caught up with this thread again..it really has been like watching Jeremy Kyle - but straingely compelling

Allnew...but I have all my own teeth so I can't be on Jezzer!

Morning Essexmum. Hope you are still reading this thread.

I hope by now you have started to realise that most people think you are and have been very unreasonable as far as your ex is concerned.

I can understand the anger towards your ex in the initial stages but to hold onto that bitterness for such a long time and to say things like your ex's wife should pay you for stealing your ex from you is simply unhealthy.

HE left you, she may have been involved but at the end of the day, it is your ex who made the concious effort to be with her. If your relationship was rock solid then nothing would have changed that. Transferring the blame onto her is simply unfair. If it wasn't her, it would have been someone else.

I think that most people would consider that he's done the right thing over the years. He fought to see DD, he's paid maintenance regularly, he's even bought her presents & cards regularly. In short he's done what he can and hasn't simply walked away like many men have.

If you want what's best for your daughter you should now put aside your own feelings & bitterness and consider encouraging....yes ENCOURAGING a relationship between them. Please don't make this into a "if you pay more, then I'll let you see her" discussion. Kids are not pay per view and putting your ex in that position is not only grossly unfair but will villify you even more. Your DD may not have asked about her dad but I bet you any money she will often wonder about him!

What you did was grossly unfair, selfish and inconsiderate. But we are where we are. What matters is how we move on from here. If you do genuinely want to change then let them start a relationship slowly. With luck your ex may pay more once he sees DD a bit more but I would not make this a condition.

Oh and for goodness sakes get yourself a volunteer job and/or go do some adult learning courses. After so long, it's understandable that you are apprehensive about reentering the job market but it's time to stand on your own two feet. Where is your self respect woman?

Blocking contact was grossly unfair and when your daughter realises what you did you may not have a relationship with her anymore.

As for maintenance, its your own fault. Given that you contribute nothing financially to raising any of your children how can you possibly justify trying for even more money. £300 plus tax credits and CB is more than enough money to look after a high school child a month - not to mention you should be matching his contribution given you choose to have her.

Put your energies into working rather than expecting everybody else to do so whilst you simply wait for the money they and other tax payers earn.

I'm totally gobsmakced.

If this is not a wind-up and you're for real OP... then you alone are the reason sinle mums get such bad press...

I mean.... Seriously?

Yes twilight, exactly. There was another thread at the weekend about why being a single parent is a social stigma. The OP's story and similar ones are probably a very good example of a small number of people giving the majority a very bad name

Essexmum I am afraid imo you deserve the slating you are getting on here, your attitude and sense of entitlement beggars belief.

The worst to me is how you could prevent your ex seeing your dd "to make your life easier" as you say even though he tried to take steps to see her. However you were quite content to take his money all these years.

None of us who have had our hearts shredded by our exs want the ows, the contact issues and all the pain that initially go with that but we do it for our children.

I am 44 , have been a SAHM , got ditched last year for an ow after 17 years together and am a great believer in karma.

As far as I can see karma has visited you

No offence, but I am glad that I am the complete opposite of you. It is just a shame that my exh is not like yours.

Personally if I was in your position I would get off of my arse and get down the job centre to ask them for help with local courses and CV building work shops.

Actually I did, but my son was 6 months old and I managed to work full time until I remarried. The only reason I am a sahm now is because my husband is a crown employee and there are no jobs where we are posted.

Yes Essexmum at 44 I am having to go out and get a job and no its not easy but there is a lot of help out there for people like us.

I have done CV workshops and just completed a level 2 computer course which I think will enhance my prospects.

I take the view I have been very fortunate to have been at home with my dc all this time and I have had a good run for my money - I would add I was a SAHM by choice as my xh earned a good salary - but now the partys over.

If CSA say he should pay £14 a week then i would suggest his income is very low and that his partner is already contributing in a roundabout way to some of the £300 he now pays.

His partner is not responsible for your child and it is not your business I'm afriad to question her income.

I agree £14 is nothing in comparrison to what it costs to raise a child but does your child cost more than £600 a month?? If not then why should he pay more than £300?? ie more than half her costs?

oooh I posted before I read the thread and now I've read I see we are dealing with a strange one...

"my children need me at home when they get home from school" pah! ALL our children are important and would probably prefer us to be at home when they got in... but news flash darling, you've been sat at home for 16 years, may be what your children need is to see their mum providing for them rather than waiting for money to be thrown at them from all angles.

As someone else pointed out - what are your plans for when your children leave school??

SugarMouse what a lovely post and more constructive than most , OP just got me a bit cross earlier

Essexmum I am actually quite disgusted with your attitude. You have been living off your ex's and the state for 16 years.

What do you think me and other lone parents do about after school and holidays? There is such a thing as after school clubs and childminders.

You have come unstuck with your very generous ex and I think he is 100% right, a child doesn't cost £300 a month...when there is no childcare involved. Now you've asked your other ex to give you more to compensate and he's said no too...what a cheek you've got!

I am suprised your ex paid all that for so long without any contact. Your reason for not allowing contact is unreasonable, your poor poor daughter. I also can't believe the audacity of you expecting your ex's wife to pay for your child. What a very twisted, bitter, difficult person you appear to be!

So what exactly have you been doing all these years, sitting on your arse all day watching day time tv? Did you not think this would ever end? Oh and now your son has left school what is he doing, college or working I would hope but I would seriously doubt if you are his role model.

When I was a teenager (at school) I got a weekend job for extra money for myself... knowing that it doesn't grow on trees/the state/ex partners or their wives.

Serves you right indeed