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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Weekend activities that NRP won't take the children too

78 replies

evolucy7 · 10/02/2011 19:55

I am interested in experiences of a NRP who won't take the children to activities that they want to do on the weekends when the children are with the NRP.
My ex has recently moved to the same town as myself and the 2 DC, but has said that it is inconvenient to take them to a lesson on a Saturday in the town. Contact is alternate weekends but there are already soe issues surrounding this.
Thoughts please?

OP posts:

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Original poster

evolucy7 · 10/02/2011 19:55

some

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 10/02/2011 19:57

in his time its his call......but tell him its all paid for from his maintenence money,he might go then!!

Original poster

evolucy7 · 10/02/2011 20:01

Why would he go then?

OP posts:

makemeskinny · 10/02/2011 20:14

whats NRP?

whiteandnerdy · 10/02/2011 20:20

For Tax and Child Benifits and maintenance calculation purposes, the government identifies parents of a child that are or have sperated as being either the Resident Parent, or None Resident Parent, RP or NRP. Usually determined by who has the overnight contact more time in a year.

whiteandnerdy · 10/02/2011 20:21

English bad at I am.

balia · 10/02/2011 20:44

Alt weekends is not a lot of time, TBF. If I only saw my kids once a fortnight I'd be narked at being told to take them somewhere in our only time together. If this is a new arrangement I think you should back off for a bit. Once he gets used to seeing them he'll get more in tune with their lives and may well realise that the clubs/lessons whatever are important to them - if you try to force him it is likely to put his back up.

are their no after school versions of the Saturday lessons they could go to?

Original poster

evolucy7 · 10/02/2011 20:50

No there are no alternative lessons.
They have had alternate weekend contact for nearly 3 years, it is not new. There have been issues with the children not wanting to go.
Why should you be narked about taking your children to an activity that they want to do? Isn't being a parent about helping children to do things that they are interested in?

OP posts:

whiteandnerdy · 10/02/2011 21:07

Think of how grandparents and inlaws can sometimes seem bothersome and unhelpful even meddling even when their just trying to help. Think of all the reasons why such relatives can be bothersome and annoying to yourself, and most peoples response is hey I hear you but hey I'm the parent I'll have the final say thankyou very much. Helpful?

Original poster

evolucy7 · 10/02/2011 21:08

No....don't quite understand the connection

OP posts:

JohnBovi · 10/02/2011 21:14

I wouldn't arrange something for dd to do at weekends. Partly because I wouldn't want the rigidity of doing something every weekend, but also because when she's with her Dad it's down to him what they do during his time. I don't think I'd want her going off and doing some sort of regular activity and eating into her time with him as he has precious little as it is.

That said I do tell him of one off events when it's his weekend, such as parties and he doesn't seem to mind taking her or working around them.

whiteandnerdy · 10/02/2011 21:24

Sorry enolucy7, I was trying to give you an example of how to possibly empathise with your Ex's feelings.

I'm not saying this is how your Ex feels, and it also depends upon your relationship with your parents et-al and how you feel about their input into your own parenting of your child, but imagine people telling you what you should be doing and thinking you doing this or that would be best for you and your child but not have that responsiblity.

Hence giving you at least some point of reference for potentially understanding why you maybe annoying your Ex.

balia · 10/02/2011 21:26

Sorry - thought it was new because you said he'd just moved and there were 'already' problems, so assumed. If they have been having alt w/ends for 3 years, how come the classes are suddenly a problem?

You are completely entitled to your view of what a parent 'should' be. As is he.

mycomment · 10/02/2011 21:39

I remember having this problem when ds was younger. I was too tight to pay for a term's activities that would be 50% missed, and wasn't up for the arguments to try and insist he went on ex's weekends. In 2011, why aren't there clubs and activities for kids that run every other week for the millions of kids who do the alternate weekends thing?

Original poster

evolucy7 · 10/02/2011 21:39

balia...They don't do the classes at the moment, they would like to start.

JohnBovi....so far they have not done any classes at weekends for that very reason, but to do this it is only on a Saturday. He actually used to have a weekday tea visit too, but he stopped that, so he did have more time. I think this actually has very little to do with 'precious time' and far more to do with trying to annoy me, failing to realise that actually the children will be the most upset about it. My eldest will probably say she doesn't want to go and see him if he won't take her to the lesson.

whiteandnerdy...I understand about interfering grandparents, but I am still confused about why one parent suggesting that you take a child to a class that they want to go to should be seen by the other parent as telling them what is best for the child, if the child wants to start an activity and follow an interest should we not promote this? I am well aware that sometimes it is a little inconvenient etc but ffs that is what being a parent is about.

OP posts:

BringOnTheGoat · 10/02/2011 22:05

I totally agree - evo. He should be willing to 'inconvenience' himself for the sake of his DC. Most things I do with DD are not what I would choose to do with my spare time. I chose to be a parent though and it's their needs that should come first. He has them for a weekend - part of that should be the 'normal' parenting that LP's do EVERY day - it's selfish to only want to spend the time doing what he thinks is suitable for a weekend IMO.

hissymissy · 10/02/2011 22:30

I feel for you Evo. I would be annoyed with my ex if he wanted to see his son but didn't wan to take him to the activities he wants, that I have paid for. Some activities, like football/rugby only happen on the weekend. Personally, your ex sounds like a tosser. I love watching my DS enjoy his activites, even though it is a sacrifice of my time, and often I REALLY REALLY dont want to get up that early, but he is my DS. He wants to play footie/rugby/go swimming... then that is fine by me. I would expect his father to do the same or butt out.

Of course, this is the one benefit of my DS's dad not being on the scene at all. I don't have this hassle at least.

elastamum · 10/02/2011 23:00

I have a real problem with this. My youngest is competition climbing, but my ex wont take him as he has moved 2 hours away and would have to get up really early to take him. Last week I ended up having to be in two places at once, with each son doing soemthing different. Ex has no idea what real life is like.

justonemorethen · 10/02/2011 23:03

Hey EovL7. Not that I want to be the one that's always having a go but alternate weekends isn't much. Think it's fair that he can chose what to do if he only gets them 2 out of 14 days.
If he found out the girls wanted to do something and paid for them to do it every weekend how would you feel taking them to it on your weekends?

elastamum · 10/02/2011 23:06

I disagree. As the kids get older they start to make their own lives. Why should my kids not get selected for teams as they cant make regular fixtures as their dad cant e bothered to take them. Not realy fair is it. If I left it to my ex, my youngest wouldnt have qualified for the nationals in his chosen sport as he wouldnt have got the chance to do the qualifiers

Spero · 10/02/2011 23:09

I am completely on your side op.

I think it is a remarkably adult centric opinion to think taking a child to an activity is 'eating into' adult's precious time with child!

I enjoy taking my daughter to her activities - I enjoy watching her excitement and pride in doing well at something, I enjoy talking to her about it, I think it is really important part of parenting and I can only think that your ex doesn't want to engage because he is lazy and/or trying to piss you off.

If he is going to be an arse and say the chidren can't do an activity that they enjoy and benefit from on 'his' weekend, he is not much of a parent, and it will come back and bite him on the arse when they are old enough to vote with their feet.

Original poster

evolucy7 · 10/02/2011 23:10

elastamum...that's tough for your youngest, something he's obviously very good at that his father won't assist in helping him with, I just don't get the logic of some fathers.

justonemorethen...actually that was all he wanted he was originally offered more. I don't think it should simply be about him choosing what to do, they never actually do anything, he is a lazy so and so. You have actually made me laugh out loud at the thought of him paying for them to do something regularly! But if he did and they really did want to do it, then yes let him pay for something at long last!

OP posts:

Spero · 10/02/2011 23:12

O and btw for all you saying that alternate weekends is not that much - single parents don't get a huge amount of amazing 'quality' time to spend with our children as we are too busy rushing around doing all the stuff that comes with being a parent and running a home - stuff that the NRP very rarely has to deal with. So it cuts both ways.

elastamum · 10/02/2011 23:15

It cuts both ways though. if you dont support your kids dong the stuff they are passionate about, dont be surprised when they cant be bothered to spend time with you when they are older

GoodDaysBadDays · 10/02/2011 23:21

It's part and parcel of growing up with divorced parents imo.

Do dome stuff with Mum some stuff with Dad.

Unless they are really serious about the activity, which is unlikely as it is new.

Alternatives:

the dc's who want to do Saturday clubs go to Dad's after the club
or
They go every other week

How old are your dc's? What is the club?

Older dc's may tell you what they want to do and might be starting to chat to Dad about contact anyway.

Try the new club, see how they get on, but it is up to your exh and your dcs how they spend their time

* child of divorced parents brining up ds whose dad is nrp, dss whose mum is nrp and have contact with dsd where dh is nrp *

Complicated? nah

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