Weekend activities that NRP won't take the children too

[evolucy7]

I am interested in experiences of a NRP who won't take the children to activities that they want to do on the weekends when the children are with the NRP.
My ex has recently moved to the same town as myself and the 2 DC, but has said that it is inconvenient to take them to a lesson on a Saturday in the town. Contact is alternate weekends but there are already soe issues surrounding this.
Thoughts please?

My son tried out the sport with school and then we got into it when I got him some lessons. No I didnt ask my ex and I have no problem with paying. But as my ex has chosen to live 2 hrs drive from his kids there isnt much they can do that fits well with his lifestyle. He does now take them to climb and to ski sometimes but he doesnt really 'get' the sport at all or show much interest in coming to watch his son

It is sad, but I think the saddest thing is that ex didnt think through what it would mean to our kids if he moved so far away.

Also he married someone with 3 young children so family activities are now a bit limited for mine, as they cant do the same stuff

For the record... I have not signed the girls up for the lessons I have been asking Ex if he would take them before doing so. I will be paying for the lessons.

Yesterday he sent me an email saying that if I wanted to pay for the lessons that is my choice, but he would give no guarantee that he would take them.

Unfortunately, we are in the process of yet another trip to the Family Court, we went last week, as he had been adamant that he did not have to provide his new address where the girls would stay overnight, the Judge just told him to tell me. The girls have been reluctant to stay with him, there are many reasons why I think this has happened, my Ex was applying for the Court Order to be enforced, the Judge didn't do this, he told us to go away and work out how the girls would feel happy about contact again. Basically everything my solicitor and I had been telling him since November.

So I responded to his email last night and said all the stuff about how in my view we should be supporting the children in activities that they are interested in etc, and that I did not think it was going to be helpful to the girls if they couldn't go because he wouldn't take them. I said that perhaps this is something that will need to be discussed when we return to court in March, as the Judge had said if an amendment needs to be made to the Court Order that is more suitable for the girls than that can happen.

Oddly enough I now have an email from him that says,

I think you misunderstood my email. I shall try to explain myself.

I do appreciate you letting me know before you booked anything.

I cannot guarantee that they will always be able to attend.

But I can give you my promise that I will do my utmost to ensure that I do not plan anything for Saturday lunchtime (I would make it Sunday). There could be an odd occasion when a conflict of times was unnavoidable. Hopefully this would be exceptional.

I hope this explains things better.

That was all I asked for in the first place.

But anyway he seems to have seen the light, perhaps the thought of the Judge shouting at him again make him think again!

I meant "writing off" as in you don't have a choice about what to do with your child not as if it was a waste of time.

well I don't have a choice but to do lots of things with my children, sadly it's not usually even stuff they want to do. It's life.

If a parent can't even take time out to let their children do something that the children enjoy to do then I'd be asking why they even want to see the children in the first place.

IF there were another child (with a new partner) who alreayd had an organised activity on that day - then yes - I could see the argument. But from what I see this is a man that

a) has 12 days child free - to do anything "non-child" related (including an entire weekend in between)

b) has no other children to try and fit activities around

c) lives in the same town so has no problems with "getting" there.

From what I understand the NRP gets the entire weekend with his children - if he can't fit other stuff around maybe 2 hours (or less??) session then he needs a lesson in time management not letting off the hook because he doesn't see them often.

Baroque...see my post at 15:31 he has done a U-turn, although he is now trying to say this is what he meant all along, odd he didn't just say it then!

Couldn't put it better than elliot. When NRP sees children he/she is PARENTING them. That means sometimes, you might have to schlep to drafty church hall, stand in muddy field, supporting them to do something you might not much like but which means a lot to them.

If you are so immature and selfish you take that as 'being dictated to' then frankly you should never have had children in the first place.

And a bit of an unfortunate turn of phrase justonemore. 'writing off' tends to have a negative connotation.

I am glad ex seems to have had a change of heart op. At least family judges can help some of the time!

Spero, that is exactly him, 'dictated to' is the exact phrase that he uses!

Ha! Ha! I think they all send off for the same 'Wanky Ex Pack' with a script for all occasions. Chapter 1 - How to protect your internet use/TV sport watching from completely unreasonable demands that you do anything the children might like during YOUR weekend.

I think it is simple immaturity and selfishness. They didn't have the cojones to make the relationship work because they can't compromise or put anyone else first. So I suppose we shouldn't be surprised they carry on like that after separation. Sad for the children though.

Stick to your guns op! the weight of this discussion is behind you!

Hmmm .... I do feel differently, but maybe that's because dd's week is filled with activities and the weekends are generally free for us to go away, do things on the spur of the moment, see relatives, stuff like that. And it was the same when I was with xh.

And I think at the moment dd misses xh so much that she would opt to go off and do something with him, rather than go and do an activity.

I do think thought that if I ever did organise something, he'd complain about it and quite possibly refuse to take her, so on that basis, for me, it isn't an argument worth having. But then none of dd's activites happen at weekends, so it hasn't actually been an issue yet.

Not referring to the op here but it often strikes me that so many rp's have such a chip on their shoulder about their exp and that they have such easy lives without the day to day responsibility for their dc's and that they have to jump through all the hoops the rp decides to set for them and be grateful for the opportunity of contact time.

Yes that's blunt and (in some cases) exaggerated but I hear variations of it so often in rl. Yes there are a lot of nrp's who are a complete waste of space, but there are many more, I expect, who cannot please their exp whatever they do and whose parenting is criticised if they do anything the rp doesn't feel is correct.

And my teenager dc's certainly feel the balance is ok, they feel included in decisions and as contact is not rigid regardless of everyone's real lives it means they get to do plenty of nice stuff with both parents and avoid the boring crappy stuff with both too.

She's not asking him to jump through hoops.

If I still lived with my exH I wouldn't be expecting him to say "sorry can't DS1/2/3 to xyz event because I want to go town/go see a mate/something else that's purely for his own desires".

You're obviously lucky with the non rigid contact - others have no flexibility (despite offering it over and over again - when exH lived on the next street I told him time and time again if he wanted to see his kids to give me a ring - or even knock on the door - if we were busy/had something planned then no - sorry he couldn't. But if there was nothing planned he could see them. He didn't do it once the entire time.

Not all children get to do "nice stuff" with both parents because often the NRP is simply "going through the motions" having their children to stay for 2 nights a fortnight and that's all they feel they have to do.

so it's unfair that the children should be forced to miss out on something they enjoy (and perhaps not progress in their pursuit as quickly as they could have been able to/along with their peers) all for the sake of taking an hour or so out to take your kids somewhere.

TBH I honestly couldn't give a shit what my exH does - so long as he doesn't stop my children doing the things they love/enjoy.

It was his choice not to have them last weekend (and not yet sure about next weekend either) because the DS's are all heavily involved in the service at church and there's no way in hell he'd managed to get them there for 10am.

He'd better make up his mind about next weekend quickly though - as DS1 has been asked to take part in another short drama at church (and loves his drama) and is holding out to see if he's going to his dad's or not. DS1 decided to wait until this Sunday to decide......

We're not talking about teenagers here - we're talking about young children. Who have no real voice in the decision.

Of course there are families where it all works out brilliantly, and he RP and NRP (and any extra DP's and DC's that come along after the split) sort stuff out and actually share the parenting.

But the OP isn't talking about one of those situations

I did say I wasn't referring to the op, just commenting in general.

And it's far from perfect here, I really wish it was easier, I've maybe portrayed a rosy picture!

I feel that compromise is ok for children to learn and that as long as they are spending time with each parent doing things they want to it's not for the other to dictate what that is. If it is discussed and agreed- great but the nrp may be doing something equally enjoyable with the dc.

If it's important to the dc's and an ex isn't interested work around it. The ex will miss out in the long run but it sounds as though your exh has come around to the idea so that's good for all of you.

When things are going through the courts things get fraught and people get narky about stuff unnecessarily. Hopefully as time goes on and once the courts are not involved anymore you will all be able to rub along without too much drama.

i have read some not all posts my dds dad wont take her to any parties, or do football training, occassionaly he does swimming club but not often. I tend to say well thats what dd does at x time on x day, if you cant accomodate it pick her up after.

it sucks but Im not prepared for dd to miss these things due to his lazyness, as for the excusse of not alot of time, its about the children surely and enjoying and becoming invilved in an activity or club they belong to will only enhance the relationship surely. surely its part of the childs worl and interests why wouldnt anyone want to share or show an interest?

my dd will always pick swimming and parties over her dad, and that is the truth. he does try to persuade her that she doesnt want to go to football she would rather do x y z with him instead, but I dont let this happen, if there isnt a valid excuse she will attend her activities, and I dont see black mail from dad as a valid excusse.

"I feel that compromise is ok for children to learn and that as long as they are spending time with each parent doing things they want to it's not for the other to dictate what that is. If it is discussed and agreed- great but the nrp may be doing something equally enjoyable with the dc. "

EXACTLY - the sort of NRP who you accuse some of us of wanting to "jump through hoops" - don't fit into that catergory. They don't give a shit as long as it doesn't cause them any inconvienience at all.

echoing what baroque says, exactly that is the case here. But I do take controle of that and ex p does see it as making him jump through hoops and resists. he does not seem to be able to get past that its not about me or him but about dc. I have become good at making the point and not opening it up for discussion. This is dcs routine and life fit in to it or see her when you can just feed her alphabeti spaghetti and as little as is possible have a lovely relaxing time together

Baroque - one nrp is a heroin addict, one is a lazy, workshy selfish twat. The other isn't interested in 'children's activities' just things they can do. But still I wouldn't tell them what to do with ds/dss/dsd.

There are obviously safety rules in place for contact with the addict parent but other than that it's up to them. They might do some things I am not too keen on and often i'm a little when they come home but they are still a parent and have some rights to make decisions and have their own relationship with their dc. The dc's enjoy going and doing different things they wouldn't do with us.

Even after trying to get exh to actually feed ds when he was there was hard, so I feed him up before he goes and send him with snacks.

I often do the picking up/dropping off too as I often get the 'can't afford it' sob story, I do this so the dc's can still have their contact.

This is all pretty crap but the dc's enjoy going, enjoy their time so I make the effort rather than them have no contact. If they don't want to go they don't have to either.

As I said before if the dc's have something they want to do I take them and they see their other parent after/ another time.

"As I said before if the dc's have something they want to do I take them and they see their other parent after/ another time."

EXACTLY - and that's why you're making the child compromise and not expecting the NRP to be a parent and maybe shift a little - or even make the decision for them that they'll have to go at another time. Especially in the case of a younger children (like in the OP) where they can't realistically be involved in the decision making process

IT's what - 2 hours - maximum out of an ENTIRE WEEKEND.

I can't help but think it's enabling the NRP in many cases to be a lazy shit. "If I refuse to take my children to an activity while I am supposed to be doing the parenting I get to cop-out and the RP has to do even more of the parenting".

I bet in many cases if the NRP and RP were still together and the NPR was asked to take the child to the activity once a fortnight it wouldn't be such a major issue.....

oh and also - "another time" - that's great and probably works ok if there is flexibility from the NRP as to when they see their children.

exH has the DS's a fortnight ago. They're not going this weekend as they normally would have done - because of church stuff (and now he's in the next town the chances of him actually getting them to church on time for it would be zero) - tbh it's not even something I would attempt to do either.

He may have them next weekend instead (so 3 weeks between contact).........more thank likely we'll get "back on track" with his contact in a fortnights time - so 4 weeks in between the last time he saw his children/his children saw him and the next time he sees them.

There is no "other time" for many NRP's - they have their set time and that's that. Tough shit on the kids.

Indeed I bet in most healthy relationships you would expect if one parent wanted their child to do something and the other parent didn't they would both explain their motivations thoughts and feelings, and hence make a decition based upon not just what the child wants to do, but also on the parents views as well.

I think it would make a very poor relationship where the only discussion about their children is "the child enjoys/wants to do this I think it's a good idea, and hence we're doing it otherwise your a lazy shit", promptly stuffs fingers in ears and goes "la,la,la not listening."

I've never done that taking my kids to see Santa, I dunno I find it all a bit tacky and creapy and motivated by consumerism all at the same time (Santa's red suit being invented by Coka Cola). I'm still being very silly for not taking my children to see Santa, but I don't think that makes me a lazy shit of a parent. Maybe a little uggerly moogaly. I could just imagine myself getting a similar berating in the MN kangaroo court, where the feelings motivations and views of only one of the parties is actually considered.

I wonder if this is about evolucy7 wanting to know if her ex is a commited parent to her children and can this be inferred to the contrary if her ex doesn't take the children to their dance classes.

Jeez I've rattled on a bit ...

I'm not sure that going to see Santa is quite the same as a dance class .

It doesn't sound like the NRP in the OP's case doesn't want his children to do dancing (or whatever the regular activity is) - he just doesn't want to be arsed to take them once a fortnight.

I don't know any parent in a healthy relationship which doesn't occasionally step in and take their children to a weekend activity that the other parent usually takes the child to.

I would have thought actually for a lazy NRP an activity at which to "dump" their child for an hour or so would be a great opportunity to have to do less hands on stuff

She's not asking him to drive 10/15/20/30 miles - she's just asking him to drop them off, in the course of his parenting time at an activity in the same town.

Why should it fall on the RP to have to do ALL the ferrying around and activity sorting??

Too many excuses are made for NRP's in my view (and yes I have a lazy NRP in my life who in a bid to make his life easier when he has his children bought DS2 an XBox for his birthday so they have the computer, PS2 and X-Box to play on so no fighting=more time with them glued to the screen=less need for him to do anything with them .

though rather tellingly the other week the women at the corner shop told me that he'd been in just before me and he'd said that he thought his children only liked to visit him to play games (I think he's got a point ).

Thankfully many NRP's do realise that they have only split up with their partner and not their chilrenn and form a good working (but seperate) parenting team with the RP..........however when this doesn't happen, and there is no flexibility in "seeing them another time" - then yes - it causes issues.

I think where practical childcare should be 50-50.
No maintenance, no CSA, no resident parents, no NRPs. Takes the hassle out of it.

And if you think your partner, male of female, won't be capable of looking after children I'd suggest not having children with them.

It works in other countries and is considered the norm.