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Original poster

Weekend activities that NRP won't take the children too

78 replies

evolucy7 · 10/02/2011 19:55

I am interested in experiences of a NRP who won't take the children to activities that they want to do on the weekends when the children are with the NRP.
My ex has recently moved to the same town as myself and the 2 DC, but has said that it is inconvenient to take them to a lesson on a Saturday in the town. Contact is alternate weekends but there are already soe issues surrounding this.
Thoughts please?

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Spero · 10/02/2011 23:27

So children of divorced parents aren't allowed to take part in a regular activity that they enjoy and might be of real benefit to them, like a sporting or musical event because 'it is up to their NRP how they spend their time when with NRP' ??

Again, I just don't see how this is the view of any parent who puts the child first rather than him or herself.

And just what is it that these NRP want to do on the weekends that is so special and so amazing?

Being a parent is about making some sacrifices and compromises for your children, who after all, didn't ask to be born and certainly didn't ask to be pulled between parents once born.

I get really pissed off with this attitude that a child just has to slot into the parents life. They do have a right to their own activities and lives as well, particularly as they get older.

elastamum · 10/02/2011 23:33

You have no idea good days!! Why should my son who is really committed to his sport and trains every night not participate at his level because his dad chose to re marry and move 2 hours away.

Not really fair on him is it. We are not talking the odd after school club, but something which is his passion and he is really good at Hmm

elastamum · 10/02/2011 23:36

And you can bet that dad wil lwant to take him to the natonals now he has qualified. Even though dad hasnt the slightest idea what he sport is all about Angry

Original poster
evolucy7 · 10/02/2011 23:43

Well said Spero Smile

GoodDaysBadDays...so children should only do an activity if they are really serious about it, how will they know until they try it? Many children would never do anything then, activities are not just about doing them because you may be the next Olympic medalist! There are a whole host of benefits to be involved in a range of things. Actually it's not up to the DC though is it, it is only up to him, they want to go he says he won't take them. He really is not doing himself any favours, they already have issues about staying with him.

The children are nearly 4 and 5 and want to attend a tap lesson. They go to a ballet lesson after school, and have seen the tap and would like to do it. Now you may argue that they are young so is it really necessary, no it isn't necessary, but they want to go to a tap lesson, hardly a big deal, it would take less than an hour of his weekend.

The biggest problem is that I can actually foresee a whole future of this though. I was very interested in dancing as a child, my parents took me to competitions and Saturday classes as a Junior Associate of the Royal Ballet School, where I then went. I am certainly not saying that my children will want to do that, but if they did or anything else that interested them I can see a majjor struggle to let them do it. As elastamum said, parents need to be prepared to take their children places if they want to help them achieve in activities that they enjoy.

OP posts:
whiteandnerdy · 11/02/2011 00:54

I don't take my kids to any specific leisure activities. Sure I've tought them all to swim, ride bikes, we've been on country walks and hiking in the Welsh and Cumbrian Hills but hell I guess I'm still just a shit parent, and the sooner my kids wake up and hate me the better!

mjloveswineoclock · 11/02/2011 01:08

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BaroqueAroundTheClock · 11/02/2011 01:24

My exH is an arse in many ways - however, there's one thing he's never complained at - that's things which "I" specifically haven't planned that the DS's are taking part in that fall on their weekends, be that a regular activity, or a one off.

This may change slightly now he's moved further away. but he's never once said to me

"no I won't take DS2 to that birthday party"

"no the DS's can't go to church on Sunday morning so they can rehearse for the Sunday School Nativity"

As he knows that they are thing his children want to do, and not something I've planned for them to do to annoy him.

He has now moved to a different town so it could well change (and I wouold be ok with it)

However - living in the same town as you there's no excuse for it really.

GoodDaysBadDays · 11/02/2011 07:51

My ds plays football, he doesn't miss out, he sees his Dad after training/around matches. His Dad sometimes picks him up afterwards, usually I do and he collects him later. Ds wants to play football, so he does but I don't insist exh takes him. If he wanted to fine, if not he has to fit in with ds.

Dsd wanted to try horse riding years ago. She had lessons every other Sunday when with us and holiday schools during school holidays.

They all play an instrument, have cubs/scouts/army cadets plus sports and manage to fit it all in and still have fun and decent contact with the nrp

It is about compromise for all. We have 5 children, we are fair to all and they all take part in the activities they want to -I'm a massive fan of after school and weekend clubs and having the opportunity to try anything they want to- but that is my choice and I spend my time making sure they take part in what they enjoy.

If exh (or dh's exw)want to do other things that they enjoy together that's fine, we adapt our time. They may have some contact on a weeknight rather than weekend some weeks, when clubs are on a break there may be more contact or if a busy weekend with matches/competitions/camps there might be no contact.

Olessaty · 11/02/2011 07:52

He sounds like he is being difficult.

You should be working together towards what is best for the children, if they have expressed a desire to be a part of a weekly sports club and it's affordable and doable, then why is he putting barriers in the way of that.

Have you asked him why he is saying no?

BaroqueAroundTheClock · 11/02/2011 08:25

GoodDaysBadDays - presuming - as in the OP's instance the NPR lives in the same town - why on earth should the child have to compromise??? Why should the child have to have no contact beecause the NRP can't be arsed to take them, or has something more "fun" they want to do???

They have no longer be your partner, but they ARE still the child's parent.

Put it this way. If the parents were still together, and the mother usually took the child to the activity, for some reason or another couldn't take them one morning. And the father said "no I'm not taking him I want to do something that can be done at any time during this weekend" would that be ok???

justonemorethen · 11/02/2011 11:08

Why would the child have to compromise though.I can Evol7 is fed up that he won't take them on his weeks but every other week is better than none.
I don't agree Baroque.There is a difference between being a parent and parenting.Her ex has already shown that he is not interested in parenting and that is down to him.The best Evol7 can do is whatever she can to make up the deficit.
They might be wrong but the NRP's are responsible for their own parenting choices just as the RP is.

BaroqueAroundTheClock · 11/02/2011 11:23

The child would have to compromise by not being able to go every week.

Obviously if they live in a different town to the NRP then it's more understandable, but if living in the same town then it's nothing but the NRP's own selfish wants that stops the child attending.

In many clubs/groups/activities that would mean never being picked for the team, or missing matches, or not being allowed to sit their exams, or go up to the next "belt" grade.

cestlavielife · 11/02/2011 12:03

i guess in ideal wrold

op ahs said to ex - "kids really want to do xx on saturdays a t xx time - what do you thnk"

ex says "yes great idea"
end of.

ex is saying "its incovnenient for me / i cant be bothered /dont want you dictating to me/ its my time i decide "

it doesnt sound like ex has a valid excus eother than cant be bothered and narked at his ex "telling him" waht to do. ..

on that basis it isnt about the DC...

op is he supportive of them doing the mid week dance classes? attends their shows etc?

Spero · 11/02/2011 13:12

justonemorethan - my daughter has just started gymnastics. Its every week. She is working towards her first badge. She is really, really excited. She has to go to the sessions or she wont get her badge.

If she went every fortnight, she would be way behind those who go every week. They would move up a badge without her.

Her gym sessions are 45 mins, so factor in travelling and getting into her leotard that would be 2 hours.

She LOVES her gymnastics. I have no idea if she will be any good or take it any further, but it is the only out of school activity she has expressed an interest in and I am very keen to promote it.

What kind of wanky self obsessed git of a parent would stand in the way of that? Particularly if they live in the same town.

If a child has a genuine interest in something, both parents should be doing what they can to make sure it happens, whatever day of the week it falls on.

I can't say that any of the arguments in favour of the NRP have remotely changed my perspective. I think it is pure and simple selfish laziness based on an inability to put your child first.

BaroqueAroundTheClock · 11/02/2011 13:21

"I can't say that any of the arguments in favour of the NRP have remotely changed my perspective. I think it is pure and simple selfish laziness based on an inability to put your child first."

Agree totally Spero

justonemorethen · 11/02/2011 14:00

There is a difference between something they are proficent at or have being doing a while and starting something new.

Would I take my DS to something my ex had suddenly arranged every Saturday...maybe but I'd be very pissed off that I'd have to write off every other Saturday morning for example.

It's different when it's you and activities are planned around your lifestyle. I literally only had Saturdays to do everything from dentists to shopping to cleaning.Not saying her ex isn't a chump but I can see why he first reaction would be "no way".

mjloveswineoclock · 11/02/2011 14:08

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elastamum · 11/02/2011 14:15

I disagree. Why should my kids not get to try stuff out because ex doesnt want to?

Youngest started climbing after we split - ex knows nothing about the sport - so DS2 missed the first couple of regional rounds last yr as they were on dads weeks and deemed too inconvenient. Now he is competing at a high level do we say 'sorry but you can only do this on mums weekends so you just wont make the squad' Or do I say to ex, either you take him or he stays with me and I take him. For DS2 there is no contest between his sport or a weekend at dads. Sport wins hands down.

Ds1 is happy to go to dads on competition weekends as it means he doesnt have to get up really early. But he also has his sports and often matches interfere with dads schedule too

elastamum · 11/02/2011 14:16

Oh and just to clarify MJ I pay for everything. All the kit, activity fees Even DS1's twin tip freestyle skis Grin

elliott · 11/02/2011 14:24

Surely when the NRP takes the children they are responsible for parenting them, not on some jolly holiday from real life? I think its really sad that so many people seem to think its ok for kids to have to compromise on their lives because their parents have split. Surely the effort should be about minimising the impact on the kids?

mjloveswineoclock · 11/02/2011 14:31

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mjloveswineoclock · 11/02/2011 14:33

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BaroqueAroundTheClock · 11/02/2011 14:37

"Would I take my DS to something my ex had suddenly arranged every Saturday...maybe but I'd be very pissed off that I'd have to write off every other Saturday morning for example. "

but you would't be "writing it off" - you'd be taking your child to an activity.

The NRP has an ENTIRE weekend the week before, and 12 days in total to do whatever they want. They are not fitting their life around their child on a constant basis. The weekend they are due to have their child it is supposed to be about the child - not what the adult wants.

He is CHILDFREE for 12 out of 14 days. He has ONE weekend to devote to his child - why should what "he" wants to do trump what the child wants???

mjloveswineoclock · 11/02/2011 14:44

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BaroqueAroundTheClock · 11/02/2011 14:51

Clashed with other children are inevitable - and understandable. From whatI read from the OP's posts though is that there is no complicated family situatio with children that live with him during the week as well. So the only time he needs to devote to "family time" (or time for his children) is 2 days out of 14.