My 14 year old has decided to live with his dad am so angry with him Help

[beau14]

My son has decided to live with his dad, been separated from ex for 2 years and me and my son have had it quite hard money wise, dad earns lots an buys son everything an now son sees dads as a better option, also ex wants me to sell jointly owned house so this is just great for him. I just feel so upset and betrayed by son worked so hard for us over last couple of years, feel I dont want to talk to him!! need advice please

"I'm not doing anything to you. I just want to live with my dad."

Yes, that's pretty much the heart of this.

OP the novelty might wear off pretty soon. It did for mine.

Let it ride and try and not take it personally, teens are completely selfish.

agree with mj (as usual!). in the same boat to some extent - stepson came to live with me and his dad. his mum went crazy and blames him, really blames him, for deciding to go and live elsewhere. Actually his dad is home more than his mum so he gets more rules and so on to abide by so I wouldnt say grass is greener, but it is different. It is nothing to do with us being better off. She also tells him time and again that he "has caused her income to be cut" (due to loss of CB and maintenance) and she is doing her very best to make him feel very bad about it. She says she can barely afford to feed herself. It is a horrible thing to take this out on one's son. not saying you will, but it is not a personal slight on you. he just wants to be with his dad, and why not??

Beau, I read your post last night & I've been thinking about your (& Wirral's) situation on and off all day. My DS is 10 & just the thought of him making the same decision in a few years time is almost unbearable. I'm not surprised that you feel so hurt and angry. I mostly want to send both of you my best wishes but also want to echo Wanttosleep - it really might be a good idea to try counselling - just having someone to support you with the situation & to help you work out how to deal with your anger so it doesn't ruin your relationship with your son could be very helpful. It may well be that "he just wants to live with his dad but it doesn't mean that doesn't hurt like hell. My very best wishes to you both Beau & Wirral. Hope things work out for the best (whatever that might be).

I agree with mj

My youngest SS moved in with DH and I when he was 13. He had huge issues with his mother who had a volatile temper and his stepdad.

He asked us if he could move in with us in May, and we agreed he should finish his school year as we live over 3 hours away from his mother. He moved in in June / July. He was very upset and bitter about his relationship with his mother. She told him he was no son of hers if he wanted to live with his father.

She made no attempt to contact him at all (I begged him to call her home at Christmas so he could at least talk to his brother and half sister) - and they only really started talking the following April / May.

He has had counselling and has actually now moved back to his mother to do his A levels.

I supppose my point is - however angry you are at him, please do not cut off contact - he is still a child in many respectes and as the adult in the relationship it is really up to you to keep communication going.

Please do not punish him for moving out and putting the house at risk. I presume you would have to sell it and split the proceeds at some point - and it is not something that would really figure on his radar at the moment.

Just keep telling him you love him and want the best for him.

My teenage son lives with me, has done since the split.
It is was what he wanted to do. I don't get any money and can't be bothered with the battle.

Its been about 6 years, my ex saw it as a betrayal and threatened to stop seeing him.
Isn't that what men are supposed to do?

Keep in touch and accept his decision.

Hi. First post I have written.

Since my son was about 12,we have
just argued. He is now 15,says it's all my fault that we argued. Tried to make excuses that it was his hormones,tried to get on with things.
Now he says he's been wanting to move in with his dad for a few years,doesn't see the point in being nice to me. Also doesn't like me.
And when he moves out he says he won't go out of his way to see or speak to me.
Feel absolutely crushed and heart broken.
I'm not claiming to be the best mum,but I've tried. Just not good enough anymore.

How horrible for you
For what it's worth though I don't think he is deliberately setting out to hurt you and be cruel to you and in years to come he will be mortified when he realises what he did to you
I think teenagers are so totally selfish and self centred he will only be thinking of this from his point I view
What's in it for him
My advice is leave your feelings of betrayal aside and organise meet ups with him
What do you both enjoy doing
What does he have at your house he would need and you could provide
I think you should be there for him and quite importantly don't let your ex make you sell your house get a solicitor

Hi Beau,

Can you tell me how things turned out with your son as my situation sounds identical and I want to know where I stand with this. His father is going out all the time and not coming home until 2.30am sometimes and my son just lies for him and says he wasnt out etc. My heart is breaking and I cant sleep at night for worry. My son is so withdrawn all the time also.x:-(

My son is 14 and has gone from staying at his Dads two nights a week to not coming to me at all. He is constantly left on his own as his father is always at work and when he comes home is going out and not coming home some nights until 2.30am I dont think legally I can take him to court as he is 14 and I think thats the cut off Im not sure? Can anyone advise me how I stand on this matter as I am constantly worrying on an evening about him. He lies and says his dad is there and then I find out from people they have seen him out or mutual friends innocently tell me how late they all got home. My heart is breaking and I dont want to live like this but I feel like my son is enjoying seeing me hurt its awful.

Jojo46 :-(

Could his father be thinking if he is overly nice to ds then when ds has moved in he can get you to sell the family home and when he has done all that dump ss back on you or make it so terrible for your ds to live with him ds moves back with you

From a slightly different perspective - DD1 is living with me FT because she has ended up feeling completely unwanted at her dad and SM's - care had been pretty much 50/50. The "blame" appears to have been pinned on DD1, and the relationship with her dad has broken down.

She is now 15, and feels that if her dad really missed her and wanted her, like he tells her sister he does, he would make the effort with her. Please, despite the hurt and upset you are feeling towards your son, don't cut him off. The blame will be felt by him, and he's still a child - teenagers can be incredibly self centred. My DD is struggling and is probably now suffering from depression and anxiety (in process of seeing GP over this).

My 14 year old son has moved out to live with his dad. Prior to the move he has been living with me and his older brother in a 2-bed house and was sharing bedroom with his brother who is now in his early 20’s. I work full-time and often come home at 7pm at times. I am on the list to be rehoused and have been waiting for years for a 3-bed property so my younger son can have a room of his own.
Leading up to his moving in with his dad my younger son had been mixing with the wrong crowd and had started smoking cannabis. I was so angry with him and did tell him to go and live with his dad as I cannot and will not tolerate him smoking cannabis. I now feel as though I have let him down even though he has a great relationship with his dad as I didn’t t want him to go. I tried to teach him respect and discipline however I now feel that I have let him down. I miss him so much and find myself sobbing all the time as my heart feels so broken.

I had an argument with my 14 year old son about him coming home late and not telling me. He phoned his dad without me knowing on Sunday and refuses to come home to me. I phone him 2 days later and he doesn’t want to see me anymore or come home I’m cryed out and don’t know what to do. His dad is on my sons side and doesn’t like me. His dad has him spoilt please help

I really feel for you Aoibheann1, it's the worst nightmare of anyone who has to share a child with a Disney parent. I hope someone can come with some advice soon.

My son aged 14 not seen his dad for six years then went to visit him in Scotland for weeks break after we had argument at home about him smoking cannabis and not wanting to go to school and things he was getting himself in trouble I asked his dad for help he went for 1 week holiday and then rang me to say he wants to live there four weeks he’s been gone now I am totally heart broken i hear very little from him it’s so difficult he doesn’t ring his nana and he doesn’t text his step dad who brought him up from age of two always had good relationship with him until he got in with wrong friends he was getting so angry at home and offering my husband out for fight, He his working with his dad and his dad buying him everything he wants it’s so difficult for me feel like I won’t ever see him again.

What a heartbreaking thread of mums who have been doing their best. To you Lyni and those before, it doesn't mean you have done anything wrong and it doesn't mean it is permanent as some of the replies over the ten years of this thread going shows. Be gentle with yourself. Seek support. Find somewhere to focus your energy.