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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Original poster

Saturday Night stuck in...

85 replies

LoneFather · 22/01/2011 19:40

...because DS's mother continues to refuse to take him over night.

Today has been rather typical of my current situation, 4 years ago I took custody of my ds as my XW was planning on moving to New Zealand with her H and new DC's. Overnight our roles reversed, she took him on alternate weekends and holidays, having him stay overnight on a saturday.

At that point she had 1 DD with her H, but since then has had 2 more. When ds came to live with me XW and her H turned his bedroom into an office for him, leaving ds with a mattress on his sister's floor. This didn't bother him at all until 2nd dd arrived, now XW says she can't take him overnight at all as they have no room. So for the past year or so ds spends 9 hours a fortnight with his mother.

This means that for me, unless I can beg my mother or father to take him overnight, I have no social life at all. The only time I get to see anyone at all is if they come to my house, which isn't great as I would love to have a night out, a meal, some drinks whatever.

So here I am, on another saturday reading about my friends socialising on their fb pages and wishing I was out there with them.

I've tried insisting that XW takes ds overnight, explaining that I need a break too, but she's not willing at all. "It's inconvenient" she says. I mean seriously, what's "inconvenient" about having your own child stay with you once a fortnight??? She can have a break whenever she likes as her Husband will babysit.

OP posts:
newsinglemum · 22/01/2011 19:47

That's really very sad : ( ,how old is your son? i bet he feels really pushed out by his mother.

I feel for you too,i think you should get a good,reliable babysitter and maybe once or twice a month have a saturday night out on the town,you will feel a better person for it.

lemonsquish · 22/01/2011 19:52

Oh dear. It's your DS I feel for, he must feel quite pushed out by his mothers new family. There are a lot of mums in your position, myself included, and I always think that it won't be forever.

How old is your DS? Do your parents live close by? would they be willing to take him overnight, say once a month?

scottishmummy · 22/01/2011 19:53

how intractable,yes is hard she wont share or desire to see her son

Original poster
LoneFather · 22/01/2011 20:06

my DS is 9 years old, he doesn't seem to mind (I've talked to him quite often about it, asking how he feels, if it's bothering him etc just to keep an eye on him and let him know if he ever feels sad about it he can talk to me)

My parents do live quite close, but both have their own troubles at the moment though I know they wouldn't mind taking him, I don't like to impose. (I know it's silly of me to think that, but hey, that's how I feel) and why should they reorganise their lives when my DS has a perfectly good mother who should WANT to take him overnight.

OP posts:
BringOnTheGoat · 22/01/2011 20:08

Gah - this fucking infuriates me!! You have DC together and suddenly one parent thinks they have no responsibility. They and their new relationship come first. It's utterly disgusting!
Have you looked at any legal options to formalise contact and try to get her to have him that way. I really feel for you.
Sadly your XW shouldn't have the right to see him the way she's behaving. Parenting is a choice and a gift! Angry
Have you considered a babysitting service - she should pay for it once a month in lieu of taking her role as a mother seriously.

Original poster
LoneFather · 22/01/2011 20:14

I actually looked into claiming support via the CSA to help with things like this, but as she isn't working and just get's child benefit (Her H has a great job and he claims the tax credits etc) CSA told me I can't get anything from her.

I'm self employed and we're surviving pretty much on Tax Credits at the minute as the business is still new and very specialised and the market isn't great for the services I provide at the moment so affording a babysitter is pretty much out of the question, it's all I can do to pay my bills every week.

It breaks my heart to see my DS losing his mother like this, I certainly wouldn't dream of cutting off what little contact he currently has just because she's being difficult. That's not fair on him.

OP posts:
lemonsquish · 22/01/2011 20:16

I can understand you feeling angry with your ex, it's not fair really is it. She should want to have him overnight, but obviously doesn't, so you need to try to find other arrangements to get a break.

Have you tried talking to your parents? Some grandparents don't see having grandchildren as an imposition, especially when they are a bit older like your son. They may not realise that you need a break sometimes.

Alternatively you could look into newsinglemum's suggestion of a babysitter, it doesn't have to be overnight. Even a few hours with you mates is good.

BringOnTheGoat · 22/01/2011 20:17

Of course not - he should see his mother - it's just very sad that she's taking this attitude.

Would she not consider paying for a babysitter though as H has good job - just to be fair on you?

We all deserve a night out Smile

Original poster
LoneFather · 22/01/2011 20:27

Oh I wish she would consider paying for a babysitter! But even broaching the subject could damage the civility we've managed to maintain over the past 9 years. I've actually just been looking online for local babysitters, but at around £7 an hour it's not something I could afford.

Looks like I will speak to my parents and see if I can organise something once a month. Maybe alternating between my mother and father if poss. I know they wouldn't say no, but like I said before I'd rather they didn't have to what with the things they're going through with their own families.

OP posts:
BringOnTheGoat · 22/01/2011 20:36

Is it that they wouldn't say no or is that they'd happily say yes? I'm sure that even with lots on their plate they would be overjoyed to do a rare sleepover. It's not like you're going to ask for every week even - it's one night a month. they might even be glad of him as a distraction from their other stuff.

It's a shame your 'civility' is so fragile. She is massively taking the P and (if all was fair - HA) you would be able to point a few things out.

spursmummy · 22/01/2011 20:37

It is really frustrating isn't it. My exH and I split up in July 2009 and he moved in with a mate who had a lovely big house and was relaxed about DD (now 4) staying overnight - exH had her overnight just 3 times in a year and each time I had to beg because I was exhausted/struggling with her tantrums (she's mostly lovely but when she loses it boy does she lose it!). He's moved to another place recently but nothing's changed. If it was left to me I'd tell him where to go but it's not my decision to do that, it's DD's when she's a lot older, so for now I smile sweetly and think what an idiot exH is to wilfully miss out on so much.

I now have an arrangement with my parents that they have DD overnight every other Thursday. It helps keep my sanity intact as I know I'm going to get a night off a fortnight and I either arrange to go out with mates or work late then get home, put my feet up, put the telly on and eat rubbish. Could you try arranging something like that once a month? Just knowing you've got an evening off coming up can help.

Alternatively would it be possible for your mum or dad to "babysit" (i.e. sit in the house with your DS for a couple of hours) while you go out, then they go home when you get back? As he's 9 he won't need as much looking after as my DD does, just someone to sit in the house while he's there and you're out. Even if you went out at 6 and got back at 9.30/10 you've still managed to have some time out.

Original poster
LoneFather · 22/01/2011 20:50

Just spoke to my Mum, she's more than happy to take him once a month on a weekend so I can get a bit of respite.

TBH if it was up to me I'd tell XW to sod off. She clearly doesn't give a damn about DS. I mean, even today; she picked him up this morning and within 40 mins was on the phone trying to bring him back as her 3rd DD had been sick in the car.

Her reason for bringing him home? "I think the baby may be sick and I don't want him to catch it." I had to point out that babies throw up, we both know that and I had booked some business meetings today (at least media companies open on a weekend!) that I couldn't reschedule.

But this is a common thing for her, she'll cancel at the last minute, or find some excuse to bring him back early. I would love to give her a piece of my mind with both barrels but for DS's sake I bite my tongue.

FWIW I get exactly what a lot of single mum's everywhere go on about when they talk about useless fathers who don't give a stuff, it's probably pretty rare to get a mother with that attitude.

OP posts:
Toastiewoastie · 22/01/2011 20:50

I am really sorry for your DS, your XW sounds like a delightful woman (not).

However, this is often the situation that many single parents (and disproportionately single mums) face.

I know it isn't much consolation, but my DS only has telephone contact with his DF. I don't even get an afternnon off. I understand where you are coming from, but if I had to chose between a social life and having custody of my DS, I know I have the better deal. Your XW is foolish and will one day regret what she is doing.

Try making friends with other lone parents in your area, and take turns babysitting, this is the only way I can cope. I also find it is really hard to conjure up the nerve to ask for help from busy or preoccupied family, but at times it is the only way, and my Dad actually loves the strong bond he has with his only grandchild, not to mention the fun he can have with him now he is a bit older. Try talking to your parents about how you are feeling. You may be surprised by how much they want to help. Just don't take advantage.

BringOnTheGoat · 22/01/2011 20:55

Grin great news
She sounds a treat! Poor DS. Could make excuses, maybe she's struggling to cope, etc but she's his MUM ffs. Very sad.
If we talk sweeping generalisations then yes - I've only heard of one woman doing the same in RL - my uncle's XW. Utter bitch and a disgrace to womankind. Unfortunately, I know several women who have disgrace to mankind XH/P's.

lisab5063 · 22/01/2011 21:00

i have no baby sitter either and also am a sinlge mum ;-((

dobiegirl · 22/01/2011 21:08

I'm sorry to hear that Lonefather and lisab, I'm in the same situation, ex is a total twat and won't have the kids (incase I find myself a new partner) ok for him to have one though!!!!

Can you not ask friends to do a swop, you help them out and the next weekend they help you out, of course it would have to be mutually respectful, no one taking the mick!!

Just a suggestion, I know it's tough!!

Original poster
LoneFather · 22/01/2011 21:09

I know your pain lisab Sad it feels so isolating.

OP posts:
Original poster
LoneFather · 22/01/2011 21:14

I'd love to swap duties with friends, sadly none of my friends have kids! Oh god I sound like I'm just going for excuses now! I'm not, really I'm not! It's weird, I find, as a single dad, it's hard to make friends with other parents (single or couples) I've tried chatting at with people at the school but I feel really uncomfortable, like I'm being humoured if that makes any sense?

OP posts:
ChasingSquirrels · 22/01/2011 21:15

it might be worth considering if you could set up a reciprocal sleep-over for your son with one (or more) of his friends. It would mean you would have to have someone over, but would also mean that you would get a "night off" without the babysitting costs.

Original poster
LoneFather · 22/01/2011 21:20

That's a good idea ChasingSquirrels He's got one very good friend who I'm sure he'd like to have over. Just have to meet the parents so they'd be okay with it.

OP posts:
RailwayChild · 22/01/2011 21:21

I am in the same situation but am Lone Mum

Twat ex reserves the right to see them whenever he wishes ........... or not which meant today 10 minutes notice that they were coming back and I had to be home for that. If I'd have said I couldn't be, there he'd have dumped them and driven off.

I really don't wish my DC to feel any rejection in this situation and thus I put aside my life for them

BringOnTheGoat · 22/01/2011 21:21

Have you considered saying whereabouts you are to MNers. I recently met up with a fellow MNer for a drink. I'm sure others, like me, would happily make friends with a fellow single parent. in fact i would have thought you'd be hot property as a single dad Wink (joke btw - don't wanna be accused of sexual harassment Smile)

Original poster
LoneFather · 22/01/2011 21:25

lol, I've never considered myself as hot property Grin but I'm up in the wilds of Newcastle, lost in the desolation of Tyne and Wear.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 22/01/2011 21:28

definitely push fo sleepovers - you ahve his fiend one saturday a month adn your DS goes to his friend n saturday a month (or every six eeks or so)

it is a far better way for all concerned - DS and friend get to spend time together (adn leaves youtime on the internet/watching your own movie while they playing/watching a movie - and both sets of parent(s) get time out.

it realay imprtoant to try adn build a network of people for sleepovers - so if ever you really need it (eg you get sick etc) you have someone else who can take him other than your parents adn an unreliable ex.

(dd off to sleepover tonite - but still have two left behind ;)

BringOnTheGoat · 22/01/2011 21:38

Grrr! Haha. Seriously though you should have a look on your local MN thing - might make some fab friends. I would bet anything you'd be welcomed with open arms.