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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

New lone parent but...

74 replies

singledad1 · 12/01/2011 21:52

..i am a man and not sure if I can post here. If not then forgive me. My wife has left me and my two young daughters after a largely unhappy 12 months or so. I have been the primary carer for the girls for 18 months so should be well versed in it but now feel strangely unsure about it all. Have set myself some rules about when I need to be in bed and what I need to do in order to make things work for the kids and for me but I just feel that I need some bolstering and back up. Feel emotionally very raw and sad. Any kind words from anyone???

OP posts:

ddrmum · 16/01/2011 21:50

Hi singledad1, hope your dc are home and it has been a good weekend for all. Just to endorse all of the above - this is a fab place to be and you'll get all the advice you need from these lovely people!! It's totally saved my sanity over the last 6months or so. Good luck with everything, I'm sure you'll do better than you can possibly imagine!:)

Original poster

singledad1 · 16/01/2011 23:15

Hi-sorry to ask but what are DC's? I'm assuming the c is for children? I'm a newby here and feel a bit embarrassed to ask. It's been an emotional rollercoaster today and tonight that's for sure. This forum sure feels like such a supportive place.
Thanks all!

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whiteandnerdy · 16/01/2011 23:31

Dear, dearest or darling, and not dreadfull or doing-me-ed-in children!

Acronyms

Original poster

singledad1 · 17/01/2011 16:29

Thanks for that. Jees, today has been a rough day. Woke up early and couldn't rest again, then got dived on by kids and we were all in tears by half six!! We all miss their mum very much. Felt very tired and low until mid-morning when I actually heard that today is the most depressing day of the year anyway!! Used this as an excuse to stop moping and, in the end, really enjoyed my day. Picked the girls up from playgroup and school and they're now playing together quite happily in their rooms which is a first fro 5 whole days. Maybe things will get easier with time........

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gettingeasier · 17/01/2011 17:36

Hi just want to say you sound sooo together I was in pieces for some time after my xh left.

Just keep an eye on the girls ang try not to think every upset or dispute is because of the split iyswim ?

Are you going to have every weekend free ?

I am not a FB , twitter , E Bay even person but I love MN for the sheer wealth of support,advice and blunt opinions !

Just keep posting

GypsyMoth · 17/01/2011 18:19

good luck singledad,it does get easier!!

Original poster

singledad1 · 17/01/2011 20:01

Thanks again to all of you who're helping and further to requests I WILL keep posting. This evening has been bleaker than I thought possible. The kids made it worse because they were so completely lovely and sweet whilst i'm sitting there having an emotional breakdown!! This is the first night that I feel completely on my own and i've never really been one to get on the phone and ask for help from my friends but tonight i'm going to cos I really need it. This is too sad to be true-once the kids were in bed my ex was always there to speak to, curl up with, watch telly with and now she's gone. The house is too quiet.

Thanks all.

OP posts:

LadyBiscuit · 17/01/2011 20:07

Oh that's sad singledad1 :(

I've been on my own for years so I'm used to it but it must be really hard for you. It will get better though - honest. Until then, you can chat rubbish on here if you need someone to talk to. There's lots of threads that happen simultaneously with the telly for you to discuss what's happening for example.

The internet is a lifeline for me - I think I'd be a right mess without it. I'm also crap on the phone which doesn't help

passmyglassplease · 17/01/2011 21:07

The first few months are very hard, but you will get through it, we all have

There is lots of advice for you on this thread and my little snippet is: spend the time that the children are away doing something for yourself, ie if you have a hobby or sport throw yourself into it. It makes the weekends by yourself much more bearable.

Chin up

Original poster

singledad1 · 17/01/2011 21:47

Been talking with 2 of my closest friends tonight on the phone and they've been amazing. Neither of them are married or have kids but both have listened and reflected and confirmed to me that i'm not being unreasonable or going mad-both of which were lovely to hear. The thought of the months ahead are hard. I'm not even thinking of day by day or hour by hour-it feels like my mood changes by the minute. I'm setting myself a goal of being in bed by 10 so that I can give myself the best chance of a good nights sleep in order to be mentally fit to face the challenges that it will undoubtedly bring. It's horrible when you love someone SO much only to find out that you're neither loved NOR respected. I'm starting to gather that so many people here have been thru this and I take on board all the advice that is being given so freely.

You're all sweethearts.
Nighty night.

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pickgo · 17/01/2011 22:31

Night night Singledad1.
Been lurking on here but not posted on this thread.
Just wanted to say now you sound like a really great dad, putting your girls first and how they are feeling. They are lucky DDs.
I know it's all really weird at the mo for you but it will settle down, just take it a day at a time.
And yes, some people, even tho you've loved them, turn out to be complete idiots. Not a reflection on you, but their immaturity and selfishness. It can only get better for you now you are rid of such a person.
Take care of yourself and your DDs.

elastamum · 17/01/2011 22:57

Hi single dad!

Have just sat down from doing my chores and thought I'd say hi before I went to bed myself. Sorry to hear that you are feeling so crap. I know from my own experience how it feels, it is horrible. BUT its normal and it does get better, you just have to get through it. So just put one foot in front of the other, think of your daughters and keep going.

One morning you will wake up and be amazed at how much you have achieved. and if it helps just keep posting. Thinking of you, take care

Original poster

singledad1 · 18/01/2011 16:41

Hi everyone. Yesterday was pretty bleak as you all know but today has been better-just the one uncontrollable flood of tears thus far. Just had a friend to visit and she gave me real hope for the future, real optimism. I'm at home with the dc's now and the rest of the day feels like it could be NORMAL!!! The problem I have is seeing the evening as being a yawning chasm where i'm alone. Must find something to do!! Any ideas?

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elastamum · 18/01/2011 16:43

Watch TV, Lurk on mumsnet, drink wine, talk on phone to mates, do housework, internet dating, thats pretty much it for me most evenings

gettingeasier · 18/01/2011 19:10

Hmm elastamum sounds good except the internet dating - I think yours are the first positives I have seen on this topic .

single I spent the first few months immersed in TV latching onto certain shows which I watched to death. I hate the theme to Without a Trace now it takes me straight back ! Also I invited people over constantly so I had someone to moan chat to which really helped but do men sit and chat over a bottle of wine

pickgo · 18/01/2011 19:42

I've done loads of DIY, redecorating etc. In summer did complete redesign of garden. Installing a new bathroom at the mo. Then got a woodburner to go in. Not looking forward to getting on roof.
Also done patchwork, knitting, painting and strange cookery projects! Made things like bread (ok not very strange), damson cheese, ginger beer - whatever took my fancy and I hadn't tried before.
Now I've discovered Mn my productivity has seriously diminished!
Glad you're feeling more upbeat Sdad, hold on to it - you never know what's round the corner!

Original poster

singledad1 · 18/01/2011 22:03

Got off my arse tonight and just GOT ON WITH THINGS. The bathrooms never been cleaner, i've rarely eaten a bigger meal, i've done more correspondence than you could shake a stick at, and i've made phoned some friends. Still feel a little lonely and i'm still a little frightened of going to bed but it's felt like a good (ish) night.
Thanks everyone again.

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gettingeasier · 19/01/2011 08:50

Glad you had a good night single just take it one day at a time and dont panic when a few rotten ones come up its all part of the rollercoaster ride that is breaking up

pickgo I admire your creativity mine extended to watching something different on Sky !

Original poster

singledad1 · 19/01/2011 12:53

This morning hasn't gone so well. I dropped DC2 at playgroup and then went to the C.A.B. only to find that they couldn't see me in that branch as my wife had already been to see them. They've told me that I need to go to another branch which I can't do for another 2 weeks at least. I just want to start to get sorted out. I feel really sad today and broke down in tears when I arrived back at playgroup to pick DC2 up. DC2 got a certificate from playgroup as she'd done some really good work which made things a little better. DC's appear to have this ability to thrive in the face of things but I then had to go cap in hand to mum and dad and i'm off to see the solicitor this afternoon. This SUCKS!!!!

OP posts:

pickgo · 19/01/2011 18:51

Chin up single.
Bet you'll really start to feel better as soon as the practicalities are sorted. Pain about the CAB - I didn't know they had this rule, like a solicitor.
Keep seeing/talking to family/friends and getting their support. And make sure you plan in some breaks for yourself.

gettingeasier · 19/01/2011 18:59

You are right it does suck.

Hats off for taking control so quickly I took 3 months to get to a solicitor and that was only with my Dads boot up my bum !

LurcioLovesFrankie · 19/01/2011 20:46

Sorry to hear you're going through such a bloody awful time, but I just wanted to say you seem to be doing all the right things. You're talking to your friends for support, you're filling your time (footie at the weekend, how I miss that - in my case given up due to age, not kids), and you sound like you're a brilliant dad, and are aware of the fact that your children may find odd/ difficult ways of expressing how upset they are, and you're coping with that. Hang on in there. I can't offer any advice on handling the aftermath of the breakup (single mum by Hobson's choice) but regarding empty evenings - I find you go through dry patches, then get depressed, and the only way to break the cycle is to invite friends round for pizza or whatever, and dvds (watched in installments - I too have a bed by 10 policy). Good luck - things will get better, though not steadily, unfortunately, probably a bit up and down, but try not to get put off by the inevitable downs, the ups will be there too.

Original poster

singledad1 · 19/01/2011 22:20

Thanks all. Had the ex round here tonight and we've REALLY spoken about things and the route thru it all. I've had to use the phrase "you've made your bed, now learn to lie in it" quite a few times. Tomorrow nights the last night I get to put the kids to bed before sunday as they'll be with their mum and whilst that may seem like a blessed relief to some, it just feels like it's going to be horrendous and the house will be empty. There's a footy night out on Saturday which should be good but i'm not really in the mood and i'm not sure if alcohol will help me. I think I just need to start seeing change as positive but I still love her and can't think straight.
Goodnight all and thanks for your continued support.......if I could buy you all a beer, I would.

OP posts:

elastamum · 19/01/2011 22:40

hi Singledad, Sorry to hear that you are having such a tough time - not sure what words of consolation i can offer, apart from it does get easier with time. Hope you get a decent nights sleep.

gettingeasier · 20/01/2011 08:28

No doubt about it those early weeks of the dc going to the other parent are grim. For me it just highlighted how broken everything felt having to pack a bag to be with your own parent. Initially I would be really upset and the only thing that helped was having every minute of the weekend accounted for.

After a while you get used to it and now I enjoy being able to make plans to do things or see people last minute or just do nothing all weekend.

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