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Lone parents

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New lone parent but...

74 replies

singledad1 · 12/01/2011 21:52

..i am a man and not sure if I can post here. If not then forgive me. My wife has left me and my two young daughters after a largely unhappy 12 months or so. I have been the primary carer for the girls for 18 months so should be well versed in it but now feel strangely unsure about it all. Have set myself some rules about when I need to be in bed and what I need to do in order to make things work for the kids and for me but I just feel that I need some bolstering and back up. Feel emotionally very raw and sad. Any kind words from anyone???

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AbsentFather · 20/01/2011 15:59

Nice to see other fathers on here. I am new to the board and recently separated from wife and kids and looking for support where I feel I dont just overburden other people with my marriage breakdown.

My marriage was in the process of falling apart for 18 months + but I clung in there. In that time the wife and mother inlaw who has divorced 3 times had been planning an exit strategy which they swung into force in late November ordering me out of the home and then dragging me to the family court to get a residency order on the children.

They hired adversarial solicitors who threw as much mud at me as possible but failed to get a supervised access order. I take great care of the children, meet all their needs and do not drink other than moderately or take drugs but they are now dragging the eldest to child psychiatrists in an attempt to show that the contact he having with me is detrimental to his well being and we now have a further hearing in February.

I am just remaining calm and not responding to the daily provocation. I represented myself in court for the first two hearings and the judges seemed to be okay with that. They dismissed the wifes affidavit as tittle tattle (didn't even read it) and just awarded residency to her as the youngest was just under 1 and the wife is still breast feeding.

Some people would fight but I just do not go in for all the animosity that my wife and mother inlaw want to heap upon me.

I have moved back to an area where I always used to live until the wifes career took us 70 miles away 3 years ago, and am now re-engaging with family and old friends that I had lost contact with and trying to maintain my own peace and sanity. I now have a niece of a similar age to my own daughter who my sister is only too happy to drop off with me when she feels like she needs a break.

2 months in and it already feels normal to only see my own kids at weekends.

singledad1 · 20/01/2011 20:00

Today has been good and awful. Had a day back at work and as it was so task heavy I felt able to shut off from it all. Went to a friends house for tea and then back here to put the girls to bed. Briefly saw the ex and just fell to bits crying in front of her and the children. The loss is just too much to bear and the hurt I feel is so immense. It's almost like she's dead and then I keep seeing a ghost, except it's really her. Both my DC's just grabbed me and gave me the biggest cuddles and so I pulled it together to read them their books. It's so hard. Everyday there is a little bit that get's a little easier but it just seems there's something else that takes it's place that seems deeper and more emotionally draining than before.
I'm really struggling now and the weekends approaching. I need to sleep so i'm going to finish my jobs and then get off to bed.
Thanks everyone for all your support.

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elastamum · 21/01/2011 22:59

Hows it going single dad? Hope today was better than yesterday Smile

singledad1 · 21/01/2011 23:05

Morning and afternoon was awful and didn't want to come home to an empty house. Phoned a friend and went for a beer or two before coming home. Again, I was listened to and felt quite good in the end. Went to another friends house tonight to sort out some stuff on my laptop so it's been a nice evening. Home now and house feels empty but at least it's only now that i'm PROPERLY home. I'm going to bed a little later tonight in the hope that I can lie in tomorrow morning, so i'll probably be here for a while. Thanks for caring!(smile)

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IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt · 22/01/2011 09:10

Hi SD, hope you are feeling ok this am. The rollercoaster is natural. It sounds like you have some good RL friends which is good. And of course plenty of MN support. I have found it really helpful to chat on MN and good to bounce stuff off people that have been there IYSWIM.

Over time I have found quite a few new single friends since my split and am so much happier than when I was with my H so proof that there is light at the end of the tunnel!

singledad1 · 22/01/2011 12:11

Cleaned the house for the first time this morning since she left. Felt really good. Got a little emotional picking up certain things but, as a task that I thought was going to be awful, it turned out a lot easier than I thought. Off to play football this afternoon so at least that'll take my mind off things.
Thanks again everyone.

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elastamum · 23/01/2011 22:54

hi SD, Hope your weekend went as well as it could. I remember the first ones were really hard - but it gets easier Smile

singledad1 · 24/01/2011 08:18

Actually, the weekend was OK. Played football, went for a few beers, went for a nice walk, had tea with ALL the family. It was better than it could have been. The week does tend to stretch out a bit from here though!
Thanks for thinking.
SD

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Maelstrom · 24/01/2011 12:11

Singledad1, before the things may get a bit acrimonious, sit with the mum to fill a <a class="break-all" href="http://webarchive.nationalarchives.gov.uk/+/www.dca.gov.uk/family/leaflets/parentplan-english/01.htm" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">parenting plan. IMO and unfortunately, IME, things are easier to sort before raw nerves are started to be touched once the other parts of the divorce process start rolling.

The clearer the picture of what is expected from both parents, the less room for misunderstandings and conflict.

If there is no history of domestic violence, consider using a mediator to sort the difficult things rather than recurring to court.

I have found this book very very useful.

singledad1 · 24/01/2011 20:19

Thanks Maelstrom. I've already sat down with her and got some things down on paper which was a good idea. Thanks for the book recommendation aswell-i'll look into it.

Today has been difficult and i'm feeling constantly anxious and nauseous about the future, but just getting thru the rest of the day would be a start.

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elastamum · 24/01/2011 21:57

hi SD, Sorry you feel crap. My expereince for what its worth is that at this stage you just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other and get through each day one at a time. It takes a few weeks before you can think clearly and see a way to the future. You are probably still in shock so be kind to yourself and give yourself time to grieve and to heal.

When my ex left I was living in an area where I knew no one as we had just moved and had no job and the kids had just started a new school. It took me about a year to get back on my feet.

Keep posting Smile

eden263 · 24/01/2011 23:25

Hi SD, won't pretend to empathise as it was a blessed relief for me when my marriage ended, but I just wanted to give you some words of encouragement as you seem to be coping just brilliantly, and have adapted to this massive life change so well and so quickly (yes you have and you're allowed to cry, and have down days you know!) and are just so focussed on doing the best for your DC. :)

Yes, it's tough and scary and sometimes overwhelming being on your own, but it does get easier and soon becomes 'normal'. And one day you'll be able to look at your grown up children and think "They've turned out really well, and that's mostly thanks to me" Grin

Maelstrom · 25/01/2011 17:45

Singledad, keep in mind that you are going through the dreaded mourn of the routines, once you are more used to your new routines, things would look much better.

What I found interesting after a month of being on my own was not as horrendously difficult as I had anticipated... for starters, doing the things on my own as opposed to nag husband about it for hours and then ending doing them myself anyway,removed a lot of the stress and surprisingly, gave me quite a good amount of free time.

It is always difficult at the beginning, but hang in there, and you will soon see that the sun starts to shine on both you and your DDs. :)

Maelstrom · 25/01/2011 17:47

...and accept all help you are offered, it opens the door to new and very supportive friendships.

singleproudmum · 25/01/2011 21:08

Hi Sd,
I've only just recently joined this site myself and although I know there are many single parents out there, it helps to know we all go through the same ups and downs, the same fears and the same insecurities when we become a lone parent.

I have been on my own for 5yrs and I honestly thought at first that I wouldn't be able to cope, but as time went on I gradually regained my confidence. I work part-time and have a great network of family and friends who help with child care in the school hols.

Please believe me that life wont seem so worrying as time goes on. I have also realised that the jobs my ex used to do, e.g gardening, decorating, etc, I am actually really good at!

I'm proud of myself for what I am doing for my kids. They are happy and are doing great at school. Remember, that your girls will be adults themselves before long and they will know who has done everything for them!

singledad1 · 25/01/2011 22:58

Hi again everyone. I thought today was going to be really bad after I broke down at work in front of one of our mutual friends.........then I went to see my Doctor who told me 'how it is'. This boosted me enormously and i'm still riding a crest of a wave because of it. She's a pretty amazing women.
Anyway, all the advice you're giving me is so gratefully received and I love you all for it.
Tomorrow could be better, it could be worse....let's wait and see.
Thanks again.

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eden263 · 27/01/2011 20:43

Hey SD, how are things?

singledad1 · 27/01/2011 21:42

Not bad actually. Seen the doctor this week and sorted out some things with the estranged. Been on full on mode with the kids as they've both been poorly, but i think i've coped quite well.
Been to my local Duke of Edinburgh awards scheme tonight as i'm thinking of volunteering with them and that's been something to look forward to.
Just putting in some building blocks for the weeks ahead before starting to think about the future. Also got the working tax credits sorted out which was a bit of a bonus!

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elastamum · 27/01/2011 22:30

Hi SD, It might not feel like it but you sound like you are doing really well. Most of us struggled to do anything at all in the weeks after our exes left. chin up! Smile

eden263 · 28/01/2011 08:06

Aww, well done! :) So good to hear.

123beccy · 28/01/2011 11:16

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singledad1 · 28/01/2011 19:34

Went for a couple of beers with a mate before coming home just to give me the courage. All you guys that have done it completely on your own from the start of a break up deserve a great big well done. I find it so hard just doing it 5 days a week.

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IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt · 28/01/2011 21:55

Well Singledad. We are not on our own you see, we are doing it with mumsnet like you Smile

singledad1 · 30/01/2011 11:40

Phew. Been in bed most of the weekend with a heavy cold-managed to haul myself out to play football and then wished I hadn't. It's a beautiful sunny day and i'm going to lunch with friends at my favourite pub. Been a weekend where i've had to think of myself first and foremost and that's been a good lesson, albeit one I wish I hadn't had.
Thanks all for continued encouragement.

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