New lone parent but...

[singledad1]

..i am a man and not sure if I can post here. If not then forgive me. My wife has left me and my two young daughters after a largely unhappy 12 months or so. I have been the primary carer for the girls for 18 months so should be well versed in it but now feel strangely unsure about it all. Have set myself some rules about when I need to be in bed and what I need to do in order to make things work for the kids and for me but I just feel that I need some bolstering and back up. Feel emotionally very raw and sad. Any kind words from anyone???

Welcome singledad1! Of course you can post here, you dont have to be female to be a lp in need of support sand there are a few other dads around here too. It is tough being a LP as all your energy can seem to go into caring for others and it is mostly a one way flow. but it does get easier, as they got older. Have been doing this now for 3 yrs, cant imagine ever having a partner again - not sure that what you want to hear though

Not sure what I want now. I suppose I just want this to work but have NO idea how it will. Our kids were so upset when we told them and will be even more so in the morning. I feel I need to ask my employer for time off but not sure what for. Is normality the way forward? I feel nauseous at the thought of what's ahead. I also know that I don't want to be single forever.

Hi there How old are your children? I would say yes normality is good for them in particular, but you also, at least then you would be occupied e.g. at work if you can face it, being at home may make you feel lonely or it may give you some time to grieve and then pick yourself up. Depends how you tend to deal with things, but it will get better, when my ex left nearly 3 years ago now, I remember thinking for a long time that I would never get over it, but I did, and now can't imagine why I was so upset.

Normality is the best way to get started but can you plan a couple of treats so you have something to look forward to? Pizza's / country park outing / cinema?

If you can manage normality all well and good but if not dont be hard on yourself. Lots of pizza, TV and just surviving was the order of the day when my xh left.

Be careful not to place the burden of expectation on yourself as looking normal for the dc and keeping things ticking over will be enough to deal with for now.

The beginning is hard but as long as your dc know you are ok and not going anywhere they will be fine

Good Luck and post away the support/advice can be brilliant

It's a big change in your life and that's bound to be very unsettling.

If you need a bit of time off then do ask. Alternatively, you could ask your GP if he/she could sign you off for a week or two for stress.

I'm not sure that normality is what you should aim at, particularly if by "normality" you mean how life has been up until now. As a single parent you may well need to alter routines etc to suit your new circumstances. But this is also an opportunity to, in the future, build new family traditions.

I think one of the aspects of single parenthood that many of us find the hardest is when it comes to contact between the children and the ex. Has that been something that has been discussed yet?

(Oh, and don't worry - you're not the only single dad here. There are several of us knocking around.)

Right, a few practicalities. You should be entitled to parental leave (un paid) unfortunatley if you need it. so talk to your HR dept and find out what your company policy is. I have 2 weeks extra unpaid leave per year agreed as my ex doesnt do anything much to help out. Your priority should be to get through the first few weeks and establish the new routine for your home. Be kind to yourself, a routine helps but your children may get quite insecure and clingy.

Also, at some stage you need to discuss access / finances with your wife and how things will work in the future.

Im sure you wont be single forever but wouldnt even think about dating as a LP until you have established your single life - thats a whole new topic

I got a job within a month of ex leaving and it has proved to be a real help, so I would suggest that you try to hold onto yours, though by all means take a week or so off. It gave me a space where I was an adult, not a parent or an abandoned spouse.

I do think that if you can 'keep going through the motions' at least in the short term, the fog will begin to clear eventually and it will help both you and the DCs.

In my experience, the DCs needed me to remain the same, or as close to the parent they already knew, as possible. This has meant maintaining boundaries and being the supportive, reliable, predictable and dependable parent I was before.

This is not easy when you are grieving too but is important as, almost inevitably, DCs tend to feel abandoned by the parent who leaves whether this is the case or not.

Try to stick to any routine you and they know.
Is Ok to stay in and have duvet day or two, but is good to go out and have walk - even to get some fresh air.
If daughters are staying off school call school and let them know you are taking a day or so off bt also let them know, so they understand change of behaviour if any.
have you got finances sorted?
enough money to pay your bills/
do you own your house/rent/
anyway inform your council that is single occupancy now so that you pay lower rate
are any bills on her name - does that need changing?

if you can write down all you need to do so that it will be done (if not by you, then by somebody else who can help you).

I have to say that i've been at work all day and hadn't seen these posts until now and it's given me a real lift. The ex just swanned in to see the kids as they were going to bed which JUST ISN'T ON!! (am I being unreasonable here?) before going out again. I should also mention that she had a bowl of cereal and was going to leave me the washing up until I told her I thought that it was 'taking the p**s a little bit'.
All of the advice you've given me is gratefully received. I've worked out a way that work can fit and my employers have said that there's no problem so that's a start.
The kids will leave Friday after school to spend the weekend with the ex and i've decided to go swimming. I play football on Saturday afternoon and then i'm going for a walk and a pint on Sunday lunchtime before they come back.
Thanks for your help everyone. This seems like a nice place to be.xx

Well done You! Pleased you have a weekend planned. It isnt on that your ex just walks in and out of your house and you might need to set a few ground rules - difficult if it isnt technically your home yet but you must make it clear that she doesnt have the right to just walk in and out of your house, just as i am assuming you dont have the right to walk in and out of hers. Again, it will need a discussion on what you think is reasonable as it has to work for you too.

Pleased you have a weekend planned, you are doing well

Thanks for your words of support. We'd already set some ground rules but I thought that some of them were kind of unspoken. Seems we're going to have to write it all down!! Anyway, I have a very good friend who i've just bored rigid for 40 minutes with the ups and downs of my day and that's done me an awful lot of good.
Looking forward to the weekend.

Don't assume. Do it all in writing. Trust me, in the long run you will be thankful that you did.

I agree with all of the above, sort out money, access, and a daily routine.

Don't badmouth your ex no matter how tempting, the kids will work it out for themselves.

Maybe you could establish a routine that is just you and the kids, that won't remind the children of their mother?

I think taking time out with your friends is also a good idea, its the isolation that you see mentioned on alot of threads on lone parents...

I would say try and enjoy it and enjoy your children.
This may seem hard at the beginning, but time will pass (quickly).

I enjoy it, knowing you can do everything, work, look after the children, cook, run the house finances etc is very rewarding.

And you'll even get free time at the weekend that is guilt free.

Thanks again for all your thoughts. It's noticable this morning that the girls behaviour is changing-they're getting more and more wound up with each other and I feel quite good that i've noticed this and have adjusted what I do. I assume it's more difficult when there's only one parent to do the disciplining!!! I am just so angry towards my ex that I don't know how I should actually communicate as when I see her I feel so betrayed and let down. 7 years of marriage to end up feeling like this. As ever-you've all been great.

Hi singledad, hows it going?

Changes in kids behaviour are probably a reaction to whats going on around them and will likely settle down. Mine got very clingy when my ex left us.

If it helps, Try not to engage with your ex if it winds you up. I used to put stuff to my ex on email when we first split as a lot of our conversations used to degenerate fast. 2 yrs on we rub along OK, but I still resort to formal communication and the odd solicitors letter when thinks get sticky.

You seem to be doing really well, chin up!

I find text/email far easier than face to face or phone as I can be clinical and have time to think about how I respond.

Written ground rules are a must. My ex still thinks he has the right to turn up and swan in whenever he wants (which technically he can as it's still is house too) which can cause problems.

The hurt will pass for all of you, be kind to yourself and give yourself time to grieve for the future you've lost (if not the person).

And enjoy your weekend :)

Thanks to you all again. Can't believe i'm talking to people called 'elastamum' and 'hooker' when a week ago I thought i'd be spending the evening with my wife. Strange how life turns out. I've been out for a beer with a friend tonight and that's helped tremendously. We've agreed to do a few things over the next few months and i'm really excited by it all. However, i'm also aware that there ARE thinsg that need sorting out and kids to watch over until things settle down BUT i've also now got a little more free time than I had as the kids will be staying with the ex and her mum at weekends. Chalenging times but also quite exciting!!

Well there you go - a whole cybercommunity of lone parents that you didnt know existed!!

Have a good weekend and keep posting whenever you feel the need for moral support.

the mumsnet community are surprisingly good in a crisis - they helped me no end when I most needed support - now they give me dating advice

Dating advice???!?!?!?! OMG. I suppose that'll be something I have to contend with in years to come. First things first. I'm off to see the CAB on Wednesday to see what they say I need to do.
I've started to keep a diary of my own thoughts and feelings about all of this so that I can get things out in the open and 'check out' my feelings before they engulf me completely. I've also started a diary for me, and the ex and the grandparents, to record what they see when they've got the kids. In this way hopefully nothing will go under the radar. It might also serve as a way of getting me and the ex communicating once more.
Anyway, thanks elastamum-you've come to my rescue once more. Now, off to tidy the shed!

I wouldnt worry about dating yet - its a complete minefield for LPs as you will see if you ever dare to stray onto the fit and interesting thread

It might not be for everyone, but when I split with my ex a found a couselling very helpful as it gave me soemone without an axe to grind to share my feelings with and have a cry or a rant. I did about six sessions and it was very helpful in getting my head around everything and keeping me together.

Shed therapy will probably work as well - and its cheaper! My poor old dogs had their legs walked off when I first became single. Have a good day

Hi elastamum. I'm not worried about dating in context of being newly single-it's a minefield with or without kids! I'm going back to see a counsellor I used to go to some years ago when he returns from holiday-he knows the back story so that'll make it easier in the initial stages. Shed therapy (nice phrase btw) has gone reasonably well. Was doing it as it was my space and not the kids' but have learnt that any change at the moment is a bridge too far. Anyway, lunch now and off out for the afternoon. Thanks for continued advice.

I am recently singled myself, December the 15th to be exact, I was in a constant state of feeling 'white' and 'empty' my eye twitched a bit too, which thankfully has gone now!
Its strange, but I have never been one for chat rooms.. Always thought I was too cool...!! but have found such kindness and comfort on this forum.
The best advise I can give you, is firstly remember its not about you two any more.. you need to stop the one up man ship, because if you didn't have kids there would be no ties, but you do! So be a grown up and be kind to one another. BUT! create very definite routines to create stability for your children and yourselves, your feelings of hurt and anger will eventually fade, so make a positive start and create a good life for 'their futures'.
This is a word to myself also.....!
Good luck

Hi Meesh13. This weekend has been really difficult. I got quite excited about the girls coming home tonight but it's clear that they're really struggling and are really angry but they're showing it with each other. I really feel sorry for them knowing they clearly don't understand the feelings that they're having. It's all very very sad but i'm taking an awful lot of advice from this forum.

I've also never been one for chatrooms, forums, facebook etc but i'm getting some really good support from them-it's helping me get through it. The anger I went thru last week has subsided and I spent a good 90 minutes talking to the ex tonight and I felt fully in control of the situation. We agreed some more ground rules and what the plan for the future would be (in the short term at least). The kids are my priority-I need them to be hers aswell.
Thanks for the wishes.