Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Original poster

Do your children know if absent father does not pay maintenance

83 replies

evolucy7 · 07/01/2011 22:54

I am interested on views on whether if you are in this position, do your children know that their father does not pay any maintenance to you. I don't really mean when he may be absent completely, but when he is still involved but makes no contibution or just the £5 per week payment throught the CSA.
Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
evolucy7 · 07/01/2011 22:54

through the CSA

OP posts:
pickgo · 07/01/2011 23:17

Yes told my DS but only when it came up naturally and otherwise I'd have had to lie, which I'm not prepared to do.
I had to tell the CSA where he worked to get it initially as he hadn't responded to their letters for 18 mths and they just let it go. He must have stopped working because for the last year he's only paid the fiver, but may well be working again now and this time I'm not aware of it and the CSA won't bother to chase it up. The CSA are still crap IMHO.

Original poster
evolucy7 · 07/01/2011 23:22

Yes my experience of the CSA isn't great either!
Could I ask how old your DS is?
I completely agree I am not prepared to lie about questions/situations that may need to be addressed.

OP posts:
elastamum · 07/01/2011 23:36

My ex pays child support but he has said he wont pay his half of our school fees bill anymore. I have told the children as I was worried they might overhear ex and his new wife discussing it.

BUT I have also told them whatever they hear said, there is no circumstance where I will let them be taken out of their school. i thought I should say something as it would be too easy for them to hear something and start to worry.

fortunatley thus far I have managed to force ex to pay, but it is an ongoing battle. Sad

Original poster
evolucy7 · 07/01/2011 23:49

Thanks elastamum, can I ask how old your children are? Obviously I feel it has a bearing on when they are old enough to know/understand in an appropriate way if there a need to know as you understandably felt in your case.

OP posts:
pickgo · 07/01/2011 23:54

Evolucy my DS is now 124 oops 14! I think it is a hard one to judge. I don't want my DS to feel rejected more than he does already but I don't want to lie or paint a false picture of what's going on and inevitably get to watch the disillusionment and future lack of trust towards me if I wasn't upfront.

Elastamum can you get school fees covered in a financial settlement? Sure I saw something about that in the reams of forms I filled in for DV last month.

whiteandnerdy · 07/01/2011 23:55

I can remember years ago ... I'm thinking when DS1 and DS2 were 4 and 5 was driving the kids home from their mums.

DS - Hey dad are you going to prison?

Me - What?

DS - Yes, are you going to be arrested by the police?

Me - No, I'm not going to be arrested by the police, now what on earth are you talking about?

DS - Oh, mum said you've stollen money off her. And theifs goto prison. Are you going to go to prison?

I can't remember what I had to say to convince them that all that was at issue here was their mother didn't think she was getting enough maintenance. Ergh, I think there is probably an age and a maturity at which these issues can be understood by your children ... but even at 16+ I'm still uncomfortable with discussing such issues.

pickgo · 07/01/2011 23:55

What IS up with MN tonight? Keep getting wait 30 mins message and it's running very slow. Anyone else the same?

Anngeree · 07/01/2011 23:58

I've explained to ds that his father pays CSA(ds is 7yo) I told him because his father has chose to have nothing to do with him from birth so thought if I explained he paid CSA maybe he would feel less abandoned. Subsequently if he doesn't pay and I don't have as much money I tell ds but only if the subject arises ie if ds asks for something i'm unable to afford.

My ex didn't put his hand in his pocket until ds was 3.5yo then got bored of making payments after 20mths think he must have moved/changed jobs as it took CSA 1yr to track him down. CSA payments now get taken fron xp wage via his employer before he recieves it so payments have been fairly frequent until Oct when payment didn't arrive but employer hadn't sent it on to CSA so not xp fault. I got a payment notice from CSA but payments haven't been what they should be since Apr last yr sometimes not getting paid enough sometimes to much don't know whats going onConfused

Anngeree · 08/01/2011 00:02

I've explained to ds that his father pays CSA(ds is 7yo) I told him because his father has chose to have nothing to do with him from birth so thought if I explained he paid CSA maybe he would feel less abandoned. Subsequently if he doesn't pay and I don't have as much money I tell ds but only if the subject arises ie if ds asks for something i'm unable to afford.

My ex didn't put his hand in his pocket until ds was 3.5yo then got bored of making payments after 20mths think he must have moved/changed jobs as it took CSA 1yr to track him down. CSA payments now get taken fron xp wage via his employer before he recieves it so payments have been fairly frequent until Oct when payment didn't arrive but employer hadn't sent it on to CSA so not xp fault. I got a payment notice from CSA but payments haven't been what they should be since Apr last yr sometimes not getting paid enough sometimes to much don't know whats going onConfused

Anngeree · 08/01/2011 00:04

Don't know what happened there MN went offline and when it came back on my post is displayed twice Confused

Steepedinalcohol · 08/01/2011 11:05

No, I haven't and I wouldn't. I've seen the effects of my step-daughter being told everything and there's no way I'd let dd go through the same. I'd probably make excuses for him if it ever came up.

Janos · 08/01/2011 20:00

No, I haven't but then he's only 6 so it hasn't come up. I'm hoping it doesn't tbh, but if he does I will cross that bridge when I come to it.

elastamum · 08/01/2011 20:21

My children are 9 and 11. I never usually discuss anything that is between me and their father, but this is too big to ignore as it has a such massive impact on our situation.

We do have a divorce settlement and fees are covered within this but ex just decided he didnt want to pay anymore.

WhyHavePets · 08/01/2011 20:30

Depends, conversations such as "I can't afford x because your daddy isn't paying me any money" are pretty awful and in very bad taste, not to mention damaging.

However being directly asked "does dad pay towards my keep etc" is a different thing and I would probably answer honestly - but minimally.

Essentially there is no good reason for the dc to have this information that I can think of. I certainly have not come across one yet and it has been quite a few years now!

Original poster
evolucy7 · 08/01/2011 20:57

WhyHavePets, obviously I understand the concerns about children thinking that their father doesn't care enough, but actually if he is able to but refuses to, the fact is that he probably doesn't really care enough to financially contribute to their day to day lives. I would actually think that this type of attitude towards children may extend beyond just financial contribution into other aspects of how a father may treat his children.
While I completely agree that conversations such as you describe are not helpful, I am also interested to hear from anyone who perhaps has had direct experience of being the child in such a situation and then found out as an adult that that is what had happened, and how they felt about it being kept a secret.

OP posts:
WhyHavePets · 08/01/2011 21:16

My concerns were not at all about the children thinking the father does not care enough, how on earth did you twist that out of my post? - infact if you pushed me I would have to say that, ultimatly, a child would get the impression that the resident parent doing the bitching actually did not care enough to deal with things themselves.

Frequently not paying does not make a bad father. Lots of NRPs are very good at being a parent but really very bad at being an ex partner. The two are not one and the same thing.

The fact is though that money is nothing to do with the child, they are a child and have enough to deal with without being expected to deal with the adult stuff too.

If they have a good relationship with a NRP then why would you feel it is in any childs interest to start talking about payment of cash (or lack thereof)?
If they have a bad relationship then they are already aware that the NRP is not all that and probably does not need any additional rubbish to deal with.

I can honestly not think of a good reason to discuss it and discussing it so they don't feel kept in the dark later in life? My answer to any adult child who wanted to know why they were not told would be "because you were a child and finances are between adults".

My reading of this is that you want people to agree with you, it appears that you want to talk to your dc about lack of (IYO) adequate money and you want us to prop you up. I could be wrong of course but it certainly appears like that.
I do not agree, I do not think you should do this to a child, I do not see any reason for this to be in the childs best interest - ever.

Either that or a journo Hmm

Original poster
evolucy7 · 08/01/2011 21:37

Sorry....Hmm

I have heard it said that children may think that their father does not care much if he is prepared to provide, I wasn't necessarily saying that you thought that.

Actually I disagree if an absent father wants to play games with financially supporting his children for whatever reason, then I believe that he is probably not being the best father that he can, as he is not putting the children first.

Again sorry to say that I disagree with your attitude that finances are between adults, obviously children should not be burdened with unnecessary worries, but surely children need to understand why they might not be able to have something or go on holidays like someone else does, or why you might have to make changes to your lives due to a reduction in income.

I certainly don't want people to just agree with me, I would like to get a range of views, that is why I asked. That of course does not mean that I can't then express that I might disagree with certain views, or question the thinking behind it to perhaps actually try to get a better understanding of why someone might think that.

And for the record, given my ex's circumstances, £5 per week for 2 children is inadequate full stop, its not my opinion, that is based on his sudden claim that he rents a house, pays his bills, buys his food, fuel etc, pays into a pension, on his earnings of only £88 per week.

OP posts:
Original poster
evolucy7 · 08/01/2011 21:39

if he isn't prepared to provide

OP posts:
elastamum · 08/01/2011 22:15

Just to be clear. The reason I told my children wasnt because I wanted them to think badly of their dad, but I wanted to make sure that whatever they heard being discussed they would know for sure that I wanst going to let them be removed from their school (and all their friends).

However bad things have been I never discuss how I feel about their father.

BUT I do think breaking an agreement you made and refusing to support your children through school, because your new wife doesnt want you to shell out on their behalf doesnt make you much of a father really Hmm

TwoIfBySea · 08/01/2011 22:18

Yes, he told them. Very proud he was that there was no way I was to get a penny from him. He doesn't work anyway, lives off his bidey-in who is due her 2nd baby any day now.

Completely missed the point that the money is for them, to raise them. He doesn't really see them now anyway - my fault of course for not agreeing to his increasingly ridiculous demands.

He isn't some kid either, he is nearly 40. Bet his bidey-in is wishing she had gone for someone else's husband now!

BaroqueAroundTheClock · 08/01/2011 22:19

No I haven't told my DS's. Though probably would if the subject ever came up (they're getting bigger now - DS1 will be 11 this year - so it's something I suppose they may wonder one day).

I'll tell them the truth if they ever ask me if he ever pays/paid anything.

Would never EVER use the "can't afford this because of dad" line.

sjm123 · 08/01/2011 22:21

My kids know their dad has never paid any child support. They're 10 and 12 and he hasn't seen them in over 7 years, has never paid a penny towards them and we don't even know where he is.

sjm123 · 08/01/2011 22:22

Oh, and I meant to say that they know he doesn't contribute.

Original poster
evolucy7 · 08/01/2011 22:22

elastamum, I completely undestood your reasons from your post Smile

Whatever I may say to my children it would never be for the reason of wishing to make their father look bad.

Yes I completely agree, school is so important to children that yes breaking an agreement to do with school is not on!

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread