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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Do they end up with all the good bits? :-(

17 replies

SingleMumAndProud · 30/11/2010 08:31

DDs went to their Dads at the weekend, first time they have seen him in a month and first time ever they have stayed for the weekend. He rarely makes any effort and only sees them when I have arranged it all for him and taken them the 2 hour drive each time .

I feel a bit gutted that he took them to see father Christmas . I haven't said anything, as I know I would just sound like a fruitcake if I moaned. But I would of loved to do that. I am the one who deals with them 24/7 and gets all the bad bits. And he knows I would of planned a trip to see him.

Am I just being stupid? I know it is just Jealousy I guess but I can't help it

OP posts:

BEAUTlFUL · 30/11/2010 08:35

I was thinking this yesterday, but then i realised we get more bad, boring bits BUT so many more good bits too! How close can they feel to him when he sees them so rarely? But imagine how important you are to them every second of every day?

You can do fun stuff too. Take them to see a local Father Christmas this weekend and tell them that Daddy's one was just a bloke dressed up.

HappyWithLife · 30/11/2010 09:15

I think it's the same with everyone; my ex doesn't know what to do with the DCs when they go to his, he would be at a loss as to how to entertain them so he takes them out. It used to bother me, it doesn't now. As they get older they soon wise up to it anyway. And despite them having fun and lots of treats with Dad, they still love coming home.
BUT...I wouldn't swap a day at Alton Towers for the sight of DD's little face when she first wakes in the morning, or the excitement when it snows, or the assemblies at school, or school plays. With my older ones I wouldn't swap them kissing me goodnight and telling me they love me every day, or their boyfriend/girlfriend troubles...it's the little 'mundane' things that I treasure and that they'll remember. Nothing, no one and no amount of money will ever chnage that

BooBooGlass · 30/11/2010 09:23

Beautiful, I really hope you're joking about the father christmas thing. What an awful thing to say to a child, what on earth do you think that would achieve? How petty.

HappyWithLife · 30/11/2010 09:35

I agree BooBoo...that would be cruel and create distrust between DDs and their Dad. Let them believe in the magic.

Niceguy2 · 30/11/2010 09:35

I've been separated from my kids mum for over 8 years now.

When we first split, I remember going through the same range of emotions. It didn't seem fair that I got all the drudgery & expense whilst she could go out anytime and cop off at will. In fact, even when she had contact, often she was waiting at the door dressed up as she was going out and kids were going to grandparents.

But I tell you one thing. Wind on years later and I think my ex regrets missing out on so much. I'm SO glad I got the kids. It hasn't been an easy journey but they've managed a much stabler upbringing with me than they would have been with my ex.

Parenting is a journey, not a race. Yes, they get lots of free time and seemingly the good bits but when I look back I honestly wouldn't change it for the world.

ANTagony · 30/11/2010 09:38

Did you have favourite Aunts or Uncles when you were a child? The kind who always brought an age appropriate gift, that let you eat too many sweets and brought an ice cream with a flake rather than saying we'll get a freeze pop out the freezer when we get home? I think this is what an absent parent can be like.

Its great if the kids look forward to these spoil days, they're easier to cope with when they get home if they've had a good time. It doesn't take away from who you are to them. You are their world. You are the person they shout for in the night when they've woken with a start, you are the person they want to tell about Father Christmas - because they're bursting with excitement and want to share, you are the person whose words of praise make them lift their chin and puff out their chest, you are the person whose words of wisdom sink in and form them into rounded human beings.

I think all separated parents go through this thought process at some stage. My mum and I were discussing this last week, my exH doesn't have a clue about his two DS's and is a bit intermittent in his interest (he loves them, he says it all the time, its just his holiday/ new car/ activity etc is more essential than his maintenance and time with them). I always let him cherry pick the gifts that the boys really want for birthdays and Christmas. It means they get something they really want and have a positive association with him. Its me that they want to play with the new gift and show it off to, I get the pleasure of knowing I've facilitated for them to be happy.

What about you time? Its taken me along time, including getting remarried, to adjust to time when the boys aren't here. Are you able to think of you things to do to spoil you when you have the opportunity?

Original poster

SingleMumAndProud · 30/11/2010 10:28

I don't mind him taking them out etc - I think that side of things is great, and I love having a break from the kids, although its not a regular thing unfortunately. It was just the Father Christmas thing that got to me. Its sort of a once a year thing, that doesn't really make sense if I take them again this year so I feel like its been taken away from me? I know its silly and I should just be glad they had a good time (it wasn't him that took them really, it was him and his Mum - would of been her idea/money/driving etc.

OP posts:

ANTagony · 30/11/2010 10:41

Its not silly to feel you've missed out, its okay to have moments of sadness. I'm a one visit a year person, I don't want to dilute it by a visit in every store/ garden centre. I'm glad for you that you are able to enjoy the break from the kids - I used to just clean and do washing rather than using it as an opportunity to do stuff.

Would it be worth mentioning that its your turn next year or could this rock the fragile boat?

Advent calendars start tomorrow - I wouldn't miss that for the world, along with the discussions and negotiations of keeping it to just one window a day.

cestlavielife · 30/11/2010 10:48

you can go see another father christmas with them. there are plenty around.

be happy he did do something nice with them .

you are talking about their childhood memories here - whatever has gone on, better they remember happy times with mummy and with daddy.

agree with the concept of seeng it like favourite uncle. so teh uncle/aunt gets the good bits and none of the grunge. but you get both and the chance to really shape their lives. letting them catch on to your bitterness and remember that when they older would be a really bad idea

so hopefully you just letting it out on here! and the blissfully unaware and heard you say "how fantastic you went to see santa! you are so lucky!"

Original poster

SingleMumAndProud · 30/11/2010 11:02

I did spend the whole time cleaning but it was still a break from the kids, which I desperately needed

OP posts:

gettingeasier · 30/11/2010 19:38

My xh describes himself as an "observer in their lives" even though he has one night a week and every other weekend. Says it all really

poshsinglemum · 30/11/2010 23:13

I don't think beautiful is being serious people.

whiteandnerdy · 01/12/2010 00:11

Can I just say I've never ever done that whole some one dressing up as farther christmas thing with the kids ... it just freaks me out. I'm sure their fine but I'm just too freaked out by the whole thing. If the Ex want's to take them then that's fine by me!

beingsetup · 01/12/2010 18:09

I know how you feel seems like some people want to compete to give the kids the most exciting time and be the better parent. But at the end of the day it's the kids' happiness that is important.

Sadly mine can't be bothered and has not taken them or even babysat at night for at least 3 months so no break for me :(

No pressies for them either so I get angry on their behalfs that he does not even care enough to try and outdo me :(

Oh and I tried to tell my ex off (with good reason) so now he's not coming into my house at all.

Never mind about how his kids might feel about that, his feelings are hurt so his kids suffer :(.

Mittz · 01/12/2010 18:22

It can seem that they do sometimes SingleMum, running the house where children live is damn hard work and absorbs a lot of time that could be done doing fun stuff but I agree with Nice2. The being there for them at all times pays dividends in the long run.

There were massive issues around H leaving but I would only wish for my children that he turns things around and is the Dad they deserve. So I have to be honest if they came home and said he had done X or Y for them, I would just be pleased.

It''s OK to be jealous, and it is good that you recognise that bit, but you have something special with your DC's, because as they get older and wiser it will click with them who did what, and value the Mum that you are. My DS is nearly 13 and he is profoundly observational about his Dad without me saying anything.

We do in a lot of respects, reap what we sow...

Hannispan · 02/12/2010 16:19

It is hard when you do all the work but its true what other people have said - you are the one they look for. My ex has the kids two days a month and I have to suggest activities for these days as he can never think of things to do with them which is always hard as I want them to have a good time but I don't want them to do activities that I like doing! Obviously, I always suggest their favourite things and listen to the rendition of how wonderful Daddy was to think of it with a smile and rant later on the phone to my friends. But I am the one they cry for in the night and occasionally when they've had a nasty tumble with Daddy he's had to ring me to collect early as they won't be comforted by him so I think overall I have the best bits.

prettywhiteguitar · 04/12/2010 09:47

Things must be still really raw for you, I read your other thread, so theres no wonder you feel this way. I really felt like that at first but a year on I see just how much my ex misses out and I really make sure i do all the fun stuff too.

We know what our kids really like, they just have to guess

And once your grieving process comes to ann end you will be able to enjoy your children more and these feelings will fade away, I promise !! I even enjoy the time that ds goes to his dads (once a fortnight for 2 nights)so I can do my hobbies

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