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Original poster

LOST CUSTODY !!!! MOTHER WITHOUT CHILD

27 replies

laurila · 25/11/2010 22:32

I have just lost custody of my son and I wonder if there is anyone else in similar position ?
I feel so sad, lonely and helpless ..
Is there any support groups for people like myself ???

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 25/11/2010 22:33

oh poor you :(

Mummiehunnie · 26/11/2010 00:08

I am sorry to hear that, when did it happen?

I did know someone who had lost custody of her son, she spoke to me length about it all. I don't know of any support groups.

I will share the overall story that played out in her life. She did not see her son for about three years, during that time she got pregnant and had a child to her next partner. She said when she did see him, he was a teen by this stage, it was very painfull and lovely at the same time. She would describe how his hands had changed and his face shape had matured and yet he was still her little boy. She said he and she cuddled like he was a small child and her toddler then came and cuddled up with them. She never had Christmas with him, he spent that with his father, she swallowed that. He would come and see her twice a month! He continued well into his twenties to live with his father. I think he loved both of his parents and realised how things had turned out as they had. He got his education, got a very good job after uni and got on with life really. I think the mother had a bit in her that was destroyed by it all and it was the start of her issues with overeating and I always thought she had a bit of a drink problem also mildly. I think she did the best she could to try and make a life for herself and I think that is the way to go.

Do you get to see your child or have you lost all contact?

justsue · 26/11/2010 00:41

laurila, I am so sorry to hear this I hope you will get him back soon xx

missindependent · 26/11/2010 00:46

Very sorry to hear this. There is an organisation called Match which may provide support - it's for mothers separated from their children for any reason.

Good luck.

StuffingGoldBrass · 26/11/2010 00:55

So sorry to hear this.

QueenGigantaurofMnet · 26/11/2010 00:56

How have you lost custody? is he with his father? Social services?

Firstly you need to be kind to yourself. you need to do what is needed to get yourself strong enough to fight to regain custody if that is what you think is best.

Do you want to give us some more details? there are ladies here who have been through all sorts of situations, i am sure someone will be able to help

Original poster
laurila · 27/11/2010 11:28

yes, he is with father.
but i do not think there is chance to regain custody as isnt it childs best interest not to move him around ?????
even if i appealed it would not make any difference, would it ???
I cant believe i am the only one in this situation !
How to get in touch with mothers who have been in this situation ?
I have joined the MATCH now, when someone suggested, havent found anything else ..
so hard....

OP posts:
Mummiehunnie · 27/11/2010 13:07

Hopefully Match will help you, in the mean time post on here for support x

Are you ok with ds being with his father, I realise you would rather he be with you, what I mean is do you think his father will take good care of him?

Do you have any contact?

What were the reasons the court gave him cutody, I ask to see if there is a way around you getting fifty/fifty or change of residence later on!?

pippitysqueakity · 27/11/2010 13:14

Yes, appealing is worth it, especially if you have been the primary carer at any point. How old is your son?
Had friend who lost both dd's, one to father one to foster care for about a year. She turned her life around, and never gave up. Her dd's were returned to her, despite dd1 living in stable home with father for the longest time. It can be done. Get SS help, do you have a care worker? So sorry you are having to deal with this. Please enjoy whatever access you have in meantime.
(ps, not suggesting you have done anything wrong to change your life, just my friend's experience.)

StuffingGoldBrass · 27/11/2010 17:00

Presumably you are allowed some contact: make the most of it ie letters (if your DS is too young to read then send pictures etc) phone calls etc.

thisisyesterday · 27/11/2010 18:24

do you have a good solicitor laurila? what have they said?

lisad123isgoingcrazy · 27/11/2010 18:37

will you still be able to see see him often?

Original poster
laurila · 27/11/2010 21:38

Well, I havent got solicitor anymore as the case is closed now . But solicitor has invited me to see him next week just to discuss about what happenend.
pippitysqueakity mentioned about her friend and that sounds really interesting !!!! She got her daughter from father ??
I have contact during school holidays , but I am sure father will not be flexible at all, he proparly will comply with the order but he can still make things difficult as i am suppose to arrange times etc. with him.
My son is 9 years now, cafcass was adamant his wishes are to remain with his father but he did admit sometimes children say one thong to mother and something else to father and I am sure this is the case but i feel I can offer so much more for my son . I have fear him staying with his dad he will be limited of choices, he will be doing just what his father wants, education, hobbies etc..I feel judge did not pay any attention of my sons future and the opportunities he would miss staying at fathers care.
My barrister did really good job when she challenged cafcass and my son's dad and I had feeling of hope but after judge returned and read her verdict .. I was warned that i would more likely loose the case but i still hoped you know..people keep saying do not give up but how the hell you can fight against these so called professionals ???????

OP posts:
jamestkirk · 27/11/2010 22:35

laurila - am sorry to hear it didnt go your way - is heartbreaking when both parents want residence - one always has to loose :(
i know two women very well that are in your position and it was really hard to accept at first. and i do know how you feel that your sons dad wont give him the same upbringing you as you would. the thing is tho you will still be bringing him up - he'll just live with his dad. and i know its not the same, but youll always be his mum and he'll always want you to be in his life. expect the hardest part for now will keeping up the happy smiley mum for your son when youre feeling far from it.
you can do it tho, and i'm sure you will. so be strong and enjoy your time together. and as he gets older he'll love you both equally and want to spend time with you both equally. the main thing is not to let your split with his dad effect him too much - his happiness is the important thing.
take care and be strong :)

Mummiehunnie · 27/11/2010 23:31

Can you share why you and your son were not living together? for example my former friend left her partner to live with om, and left her son to take him with her later when she got settled...

The other case I know of, was someone who worked with a family member, she was not from this country and worked full time, her husband left for ow who did not work, not sure how but he and ow got the house and the son and she got contacat and had to pay maintenance, she was not great at English as she was from abroad, her hubby and ow were English...

Both cases were of boys of 10 years, not sure if he said it to make his mum feel better, but former freinds son told her his dad promised him things if he said he would stay with him to cafcass and never followed through, however he never once asked former friend to live with her and he always put his relationship with his dad first, so not sure if that was true or to make her feel better about things...

Why the hell did your barrister not get fixed contact, they don't sound that good to me if it has been left open and you and your ex don't communicate well, you may need to go back and get a defined contact order if that does not work out well...

cestlavielife · 29/11/2010 12:04

it is hard to know from your message why you feel son is better living with you and having visits with father - presumbaly father gave good presentation adn child was ahppy to go ?
tho of course you maybe dont want to give details.

choices of education/hobbies -well it really depends how extreme these are.

if he is talented footballer and father will prevent him - well maybe some issue - if jsut regualr kid with regular interests - well not sure of issues...

if educaiotn is about a particualr religious schooling or some such where you disagree - well again depends what it is really.

the main thing tho is that you get regular contact and that that is fully agreed so you wont be left hanging on at last minute. and so son knows what is happening and when

can you sit with medaitor and mediate and draw up a plan for next six months/year so you have something set in stone re: school holidays etc -with of course room to change if needs be?

mamatomany · 29/11/2010 12:14

I went to live with my dad as a 9 year, the worse decision I ever made in some ways but not in others.
However my mum reacted by basically cutting me off, not keeping in touch, went to live in america, sent 3 letters in three years.
As long as you do everything a mother should and keep being there for your son he may well change his mind in years to come and if not you can still say you were a good mother no matter what.

sharon1974 · 10/07/2013 20:44

No I am in the exact same situation and it feels like shit. I am nearly 40 now and I feel I have lost my motherhood. I feel that I will never forgive my childs fathers family for what they did to me

betterthanever · 10/07/2013 20:51

There is an organisation called Maypole which has been set up by two women who lost their children. www.maypole.org.uk/

purpleroses · 10/07/2013 21:08

www.matchmothers.org/

mumfor4 · 11/07/2013 07:19

My heart goes out to you. Court is so stressful even in straightforward hearings. Cafcass are so biased towards the father now that the assumption most people have that "mum always gets the kids" is simply no longer the case. I've seen for myself how Cafcass work. Truly appalling on so many levels, if government cuts should fall anywhere it should axe Cafcass. I have seen an officer contradict theirself, refuse to answer questions on their report, and stand by their report blindly despite being confronted with evidence that the report was not factually correct. I was lucky that my Barrister was very experienced and pulled the report apart and the lies contained within.these Officers are being paid in the region of £40, 000 and answer to no one. I know this doesn't change anything for you but I want you to know that this is the rotten core in the system and it's hard to break through. Every time I hear this type of story I feel sad for the child and angry for the mum. With legal aid cuts its only going to get worse. X

kittycat68 · 11/07/2013 09:09

Totally agree that CAFCASS are a biased towards the fathers these days!! Cafcass are there to promote contact with the NRP and push this forward no matter what it seems. I have only ever met two decent Cafcass officers the rest are CRAP. One officer should be charged with for what she did to kids!

I really feel for you OPSad the leagal system is so biased these days to fathers rights above everythign else its a joke.

lizzie479 · 11/07/2013 09:26

Oh this is scary reading. OP I know its hard but just try to focus on regular contact with your son and keeping yourself well under the circumstances. Fall back on family and friends and bury yourself in work if you can. CAFCASS sound awful. And yes fathers for justice have a lot to answer for. Look after yourself x

mumfor4 · 11/07/2013 10:54

Crapcass or Carcass. Which is the more suitable name? That aside I do think it's time to promote these two organisations as much as families need fathers and fathers for justice. What a shame it is so hard to expose Cafcass in the media- the hiding behind the secret family courts.Even MP's raising questions for members of their community in parliament have been silenced by Cafcass

kittycat68 · 11/07/2013 12:45

perfectly put mumfor4!!!