Why do our ex's hate us so much?

[Shimmerysilverglitter]

Finally threw ex h out after 8 years of verbal and physical abuse. He was unfaithful countless times, did nothing round the house, was financially abusive and so on.

This morning I do on msn to talk about dc and within three sentences he has called me a "horrible bitch" , told me how much he hates me and that I have MH issues, this because I am taking kids away for weekend. More than that too but too much to go into right now.

They treat us like shit and as though they hate us when we are in the relationship with them then despise us even more when we finish it. I honestly don't get it. They don't have to be with us any more but their dislike for us only increases. Madness.

They hate us because we have stopped being their doormats. Your ex had a happy little life for 8 years doing whatever the hell he wanted and getting to have a nice wife and child in the bargain.

You took that away from him.

If he was a decent man, he would try to look at where he went wrong and make amends, but he's an arse, so he just turns it all back on you and hates you instead.

It's all very logical you see

I think part of it is self-defence. Because if they accept that we're not nasty bitches, they might have to ask what motivated us to leave. And then they have to question their own behaviour, which would be very, very uncomfortable. (So pretty much what corlan said).

Yes suppose so. How long does it have to go for though? Don't think I will ever be free of his name calling and abuse. Also worry he will turn dc against me as well. He often says that when they know what I am really like they will hate me too .

snap!
agree with everything said already.

my ex [and his gf] used to call me mentally ill too and tell me that when the children grow up they will hate me and want to move in with him as well as everything else. It does feels horrible at the time.

shimmery, the children won't hate you and your ex can't turn them against you. don't listen to him, it will waste your time and energy.

My ex would probably say I hate her. She accused me (in the divorce and subsequent ongoing 4 year court case for our son) of DV and child abuse. She left without actually saying a word to me - I came home from work to find the house empty and our son taken.

There was no DV or abuse in our marriage.

She continues to refuse to talk to me, relying on the written word - often through her solictors.

I don't hate her though. When I think back it is with a sincere sense of regret that it has came to this. I wasn't perfect and neither was she - and I think that is where the problem is.

My ex could (and still can not) admit to being anything other than perfect during our relationship. Everything was (and still is) solely my fault.

I repeat: I'm not perfect by a long shot so some of her criticism is therefore justified. After all the hurt and insult she has laid on me I still have one thought - the only thing she ever owed me was her honesty...and she wouldn't (and still does not) give that to me.

The bottom line was that we were probably just not compatible - which is not the fault of either of us...it's just a fact.

I think the reason people usually hate each other is that they refuse to take responsibility for their own human failings and not realising that a lack of compatability between two people who were once in love is just that and nothing more.

If you hate someone, you haven't let go.

sorry to hear about your situation lostdad. Do you see your ds?

I actually bend over backwards to facilitate contact between my dc and their Dad. My big thing is that I cannot begin to imagine how I could function if someone told me I could only see my dc every other weekend and one Wednesday a week. I will never go down that road if I can possibly help it. He sees them almost every day and I drive them to where he works on the days he can't make it over to see us and we have lunch together (often through gritted teeth). My kids need their Dad as much as they need me and I do realise that.

For MY ex I think he has a massive sense of entitlement and really did believe that he should have been allowed to continue living in the family home in spite of his repeated (badly hidden) infidelity, emotional abuse, drinking etc. He always says that he was about to change when I threw him out and he hates me for not giving him another chance but really this had been going on for eight years, how many more chances could I give.

Interesting when you say "If you hate someone, you haven't let go". I hadn't thought of that.

My son's allowed to see me - but every part of it is court ordered. I've been to court 9 times, moved too when he was dragged right across the country by my ex without warning and she's currently in the process of teaching him that her new husband is `Daddy'.

I'll keep on fighting for him as long as it ttakes and as I represent myself can keep going indefinitely.

I don't hate her though. I feel nothing but despair that it has come to this and always hope that she'll be able to collaborate with me in raising our son rather than continuing to try to cut me out of his life.

I'm confident that one day he will be allowed to have meaningful amounts of time one day, but when that day comes it will feel like a tragedy, not a victory.

When I say `If you hate someone you haven't let go' - I mean...I can't see how you'd feel anything but indifference for someone you have no connection to.

It's like saying `I have no feelings about this person one way or the other...but I hate them'.

Once you're able to let go you can be as civil to an ex as you'd be to someone you've met for the first time.

Easier said then done...but life's too short to hate.

some one said on here - the opposite of love is indiference
not ahte.

Mine hates me because I dared to leave him. I think if he'd dumped me, on his terms, he mightn't hate me so much. He is determined not to contribute, and he rationalises that in his head. It's all my fault for leaving, if the kids go without something, it's my fault for having dragged them off on a selfish whim. If they grow up feeling their childhoods were frugal, they will blame me for that... etc etc

I don't hate my x anymore, but I did, and his low opinion of me as somebody not deserving of the smallest amount of respect was very upsetting and confusing to me for a long time, but.... now i feel like his opinion of me matters about as much as some randomer out there on the high street, if I asked the 273rd person who walked past Boots on saturday morning what they thought of me...

i think it takes time to get to that point though.

My xh doesnt hate me but likes to keep the fires of I am a controlling/nagging/miserable cow alive even though on the whole I wasnt.

A recent example while discussing division of stuff he said he wanted " the wind up clock that we never had working because the ticking was too loud". I didnt comment even though said clock had ticked away happily most of our 12 year marriage without a word from me about it. I agree its all part of reassuring themselves we werent worth the effort and in my case that he did the right thing leaving me.

Its taken nearly a year to arrive at the point where I no longer find those false accusations hurtful although as soon as he left I noticed how free of his poor opinion I was.

Not quite at "if I asked the 273rd person" rofl !

Sorry to read your posts lostdad now if I carried on like that xh really would have something to complain aboout !

I think it does too Valium. I am about 8 months in and just beginning to feel slightly normal again. I think that I was so cut off from my emotions when I was married to him because it was just so awful that I didn't even know how I was feeling, I don't know what that is called. I used to have massive panic attacks that came from no-where (so I thought) but clearly it was coming from the feelings that I had thought I had managed to cut myself off from.

Just lately I have started to feel lonely and sad and sort of hollow inside iyswim and really begin to comprehend what he did to me during our marriage and while it feels pretty awful sometimes I am sort of relieved because it is clearly healthier than feeling nothing and then having massive, terrifying panic attacks nearly every day.

I don't hate him, I never did throughout it all, but I knew I had to end it somehow, although I had cut myself off from it and thought it wasn't bothering me I knew that living with an alcoholic who kept pawning our stuff was really going to screw up my dc and I had to do something about it.

Yes, my x should get chatting to lostdad. He feels so hard done by, and yet, he sees the children whenever he wants to, and contributes nothing! A great outcome for him - he has bought a porsche to celebrate try and take his mind off what a martyr he is!

What an ARSE!

I do think that would take some dealing with watching him do that yet not contributing financially. My ex does contribute and is pretty good about it but not sure if that would continue if he were to meet someone else and not only that he has quite a respectable job and I don't think he would want the CSA chasing him through work and his work colleagues thinking he was a dick who didn't support his kids.

My ex sees the dc whenever he wants to as well. I can't imagine what it would be like to be the parent who gets told when they can see their kids, I couldn't live like that and I certainly don't expect my ex to, he loves his kids in spite of all his other faults.

Yes gettingeasier I am not past flaring up at the false accusations thing yet, I wish I could be because that forms the main weapon in his arsenal. I bust my ass trying to make sure he sees his kids whenever possible and don't mind doing it yet he still accuses me of trying to prevent contact with them cue row mentioned in first post.

Me: Thinking about taking kids up to my parents this weekend, might take ds off on Friday (ds is SN and a break from school can do him the world of good, both ex and I agree fully on this).

Ex: Oh what about his attendance, I see you don't mind taking him out of school to spend time with your c*nty parents!

Me: Well thats nice. Anyway remember we discussed him having a long weekend this week because he was struggling at school and my parents are away on holiday and we can use their house. .

Ex: Fuck off you horrible bitch, get this fucking divorce sorted out ASAP. Just want to be a good dad to my kids, don't even think about getting in the way of that!

Me: WTF is your problem?!

Ex: God what is wrong with you, you need help!

As god is my witness that is how the convo went.

shimery - My ex sees the dc whenever he wants to as well. I can't imagine what it would be like to be the parent who gets told when they can see their kids, I couldn't live like that and I certainly don't expect my ex to, he loves his kids in spite of all his other faults.

i can see your point - but having a set routine i find very helpful - for all - and that essentially amounts to me "telling him when he can see the dc" - because what he wants is to "see them every day" and effectively move back in or at least have me living next door. or when he wants means i cannot plan anything at all (tried the when you want thing initially and it was a nitemare)

certainly for my oldest dd she needs to know that certain days she does not have to see him.... and she too young yet to be completely independent
.
if "when he wants" means drop by when you feel like it then no i dont think that woudl work -not for me - and despite sending tiemtables in triplicate email hard copy text message etc - i sitll get the "can i come round tonight and take dd out on her roller skates" when he been told infinite times its brownies night!

so me saying "no its brownies" becomes in his mind "you never let me see the dc when i want" "it is always what you say" "you are dictating everything"

if "when he weants " means you are able to have sensible discussions re arrangements for the next week or two weeks and agree when -then yes sure.

it doesnt work with someone who has no sense and purposefully "forgets" what you told them six times already...

in fact shimmery - if you go back to your op - it looks like having set routine of when he sees them might help -

"told me how much he hates me and that I have MH issues, this because I am taking kids away for weekend. More than that too but too much to go into right now." and your latest discusison - if it is your weekend to be with them then you decide what you do where you go ....if it is his weekend - he decides...

surely that is easier to manage than "when you want" and making each weekend into a discussion?

Well I suppose for me it helps that he works really long hours and also if I take the dc to see him then I am having a certain amount of control. He probably only actually comes to see them twice a week, the other times we are meeting up for park, lunch etc and he drops off at school on Mondays and picks up on Thursdays so I suppose we have evolved a sort of routine without setting it in stone and telling him how it has to be. His work has made a routine that works for us. I realise I am probably quite lucky with this. He can be a real pig but circumstances dictate a situation that is working for now.

My X hates me so much that he refuses to see the children as (in his words) it would make my life easier as I would be able to go out and do stuff if he had them.

He is a twunt of the highest order. And a bit mental, so it's a relief we don't have to deal with him anymore. He pays through the CSA as that's what he thinks being a good dad is about .

He works at weekends so we can't really have a his and mine weekend.

What corlan said. Mine claims to have moved on, even has a child in thailand, but veers between saying how i ruined his life and wishes he never met me, to last night sending me a remixed video of our wedding over 15 years ago.

He thinks i am warped for not being grateful.

We split nearly 5 years ago btw

Meg, mine has said that too

He sent you a video of your wedding .
Holy shit.

His problem with the weekend was that he hates my parents, quelle surprise, don't these men always hate your Friends and Family?

A remixed video of your wedding? So what did that entail, exactly? Nasty editing or something? What a nutter.