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Original poster

Why do our ex's hate us so much?

75 replies

Shimmerysilverglitter · 22/09/2010 14:37

Finally threw ex h out after 8 years of verbal and physical abuse. He was unfaithful countless times, did nothing round the house, was financially abusive and so on.

This morning I do on msn to talk about dc and within three sentences he has called me a "horrible bitch" , told me how much he hates me and that I have MH issues, this because I am taking kids away for weekend. More than that too but too much to go into right now.

They treat us like shit and as though they hate us when we are in the relationship with them then despise us even more when we finish it. I honestly don't get it. They don't have to be with us any more but their dislike for us only increases. Madness.

OP posts:
lou33 · 24/09/2010 17:25

Yep. He even put it on youtube.

Seems to think i am weird for telling him i think its creepy.

Says he cant see kids cos he is trying to get to thailand to see his child on his first birthday and adking him to see them or support them is denying his chance of a new family.

But he has collected conkers for them all so it makes everything ok . . . . . .

lou33 · 24/09/2010 17:27

I wouldnt watch it but i gather it was misty eyed those were the days rather than anything else

Original poster
Shimmerysilverglitter · 24/09/2010 17:28

Sheesh, and I thought I had it bad. Men who don't want to see or support their kids must have some kind of Personality Disorder I think. I know that is bandied about on MN a lot but I think it is true. To devalue your children like that means to me that you are probably not operating on all four cylinders.

OP posts:
lou33 · 24/09/2010 17:30

I agree.

Is there a way of getting him to give up his parental rights does anyone know?

Original poster
Shimmerysilverglitter · 24/09/2010 17:38

I am sure there is but I bet he wouldn't. Post in legal. Bet he would dig his heels in though. If he is still twatting around making videos of your wedding after you have been split up for 5 years, I can't imagine that he is going to relinquish this link with you even if he doesn't bother his arse with them at all. Sad.

OP posts:
lou33 · 24/09/2010 17:42

You know he even asked me what i thought he should call his new baby. Was going to use a name we chose had dd1 been aboy.

He did not think this was at all odd, tho omitted to tell his gf about the connection

He is batshit crazy isnt he? The drink has finally taken its toll i think

Original poster
Shimmerysilverglitter · 24/09/2010 18:23

Yes he is nuts. So he is a drinker?

Did yours too get incredibly spiteful the morning after a big session. I would look at him and wonder how anyone could have so much hate inside him. The things he used to say to me were just beyond belief.

He wouldn't have used that name btw, he was trying to get under your skin and hurt you. Prick. My ex tells me about how his "family" tell me he should meet someone else and how she and him (ex) would have a lovely time doing stuff with the kids, in effect he and this imaginary girl doing loads of family stuff in my place. Maybe that will happen and there isn't a great deal I can do about it but its not nice thinking about it.

OP posts:
lou33 · 24/09/2010 19:08

He will wait a long time if he thinks he can hurt me now.

Yes he is an alcoholic but will not admit it. Its what caused the split. He wont give up
even for the kids because he says i took everything else and it is his only pleasure.

He used to direct his anger at me when he was drunk, not the morning after. That was reserved for telling me i was over reacting and a drama queen

Janos · 25/09/2010 11:16

:(

Sorry to hear of the awful time you are having dealing with your ex shimmery. Mine was also an emotionally abusive bully and for a long time I was afraid of/intimated by him.

Anyway, I've been single for nearly 5 years now and these are the things that have helped me deal with him and I hope they can help others too. I know it isn't one size fits sll

  1. Communication. Keep it by text or email only. Talk ONLY about the DC. Don't be drawn in to discussing anything about them.

  2. Don't respond to threats or attempts at provocation. For example if they are at the door ranting, say something like "We can discuss this later" and shut the door in their face. A closed door doesn't care what they say. Tough if they don't like it.

  3. Don't expect/hope they will see the error of their ways and behave reasonably. They won't. You can't make an unreasonable person reasonable!

  4. Make arrangements that suit you and DC, and don't be endlessly accomodating.

  5. Get contact formalised, if necessary. Sometimes it is the only way. Abusive men will often use this as a way to get at their exes.

  6. Seek all the support you can from friends and family. Never mind being 'proud'.

Hope some of that helps.

NB This is from a female point of view simply cos I am one and these are my experiences. I'm aware there are horrible females exes too.

colditz · 25/09/2010 11:17

For the same reason my four year old tells me I am the baddest mummy EVER when i say that he must stay in his bed.

Janos · 25/09/2010 11:20

Lou, hopefully your XH will drink himself into an early grave and leave you all alone.

He's really pathetic isn't he!

lou33 · 25/09/2010 11:33

He is always going to think he is the one who was hard done by too, that every time he has made excuses wrt the kids was because of me
I wish he would just disappear tbh, it would makelife easier

Janos · 25/09/2010 14:52

Mmmm,I know that feeling!

RosieAndGin · 25/09/2010 15:04

Mine refuses Hmm to have any thing to do with our 14yr old Dd, while she is with me (he has not seen her since she was 4. He says when she is 18 and away from me he will see her, what the twat can't get through his thick head, is that Dd wants nothing to do with him now.

She asked his permission by letter to change her name to mine, he refused, after being ignored for 10years, it was the final straw.

lou33 · 25/09/2010 15:25

You know you dont need his permission dont you? She can just start using your name and notify anyone relevant. You dont have to do it by deed poll either. As long as it isn't done with intent to defraud, you can call yourself what you like

muggglewump · 25/09/2010 15:31

I can only assume mine hates me, I've not seen or spoken to him in years and other than Australia, I don't know where he lives either.

He'd probably forgotten mine and DD's existence until the CSA contacted him a while ago.

It amuses me to think he hates us, and I'll continue to pursue him through the CSA until I get money.

I laughed loudly when they (CSA) told me they'd emptied his bank account on two separate occasions to give me the moneyGrin

Shame he's hidden it better now, but I'll carry on, it costs me nothing so may as well.

Mummiehunnie · 25/09/2010 21:21

mine left for ow and hates my guts, told me in recent finances hearing that I hurt him everyday, this confused me, apparently it is due to me being a mill stone around his neck financially, he puts the needs of non existant children ahead of the two he has no contact with, every judge tells him off for that he does not listen, sigh!!!! he acutally could tell you every bit of income i have by heart and seems to be obsessed with his new wife about comparing income with me.... the hatred they both have is eating them both up it seems, they ate me up with anger over the kids, not money, it is quite funny really to see them eaten up, after all they put me and the kids through, I am surprised three and a half years later they are so bitter, it was all their choice and control and they damaged us for their happiness during the lust mania... it is all over now by the looks of it!

I agree they are not firing on all cylinders if they are nasty to kids and their mother... I think exh would go nuts if kids changed their names, will look into it as the kids want to... maybe a double barrelled as I have done, he was not pleased when I changed my name!

lostdad · 25/09/2010 21:24

Janos - serious question.

Where did you get those pieces of advise from? Were they things you'd worked out or did someone else suggest them?

Just trying to understand something.

lostdad · 25/09/2010 21:28

`You know you dont need his permission dont you? She can just start using your name and notify anyone relevant. You dont have to do it by deed poll either. As long as it isn't done with intent to defraud, you can call yourself what you like'

Erm, no.

That is illegal. It's illegal to change a child's name by deed poll or even cause them to be known by a different name which is what you are suggesting.

It's illegal plain and simple. A child is only permitted to be called by the name of the birth certificate.

Now, I am aware that some people say schools and others acquiesce in this - but that is because they don't know the law. I know some people say they have done it and got away with it and I'm not querying that it, but it is breaking the law.

lou33 · 25/09/2010 21:31

it wasnt illegal when i changed dd1's name , the passport office thought it was good enough and so did every other official body too

in fact i was told officially that as long as it wasnt with intent to defraud then anyone can call themselves what they like

dd1 has a different surname on her birth certificate than on her passport

she had one initially in the original name and when it was changed it was very easy to do, no deed poll or solicitor needed

Mummiehunnie · 25/09/2010 21:33

Lost dad, if schools don't have a problem with it and dad is not interested in kids, why not let kids take some control back and reject dad by rejecting his name if it makes them feel better, I spoke to dd's about it, they said they did not fancy the questions from others like school friends, so will leave it!

lou33 · 25/09/2010 21:33

i would agree with the points janos listed too btw, in my case it has been by experience

ValiumSingleton · 26/09/2010 11:08

lostdad, my children now go by my name and their father's. If that is breaking the law, then the law is an ass and I'm happily prepared to continue breaking the law! I doubt that my x will press charges against me, as if he did, whilst defending myself I would instruct my solicitor to try and extract some maintenance out of him.

so sorry, but 'against the law' doesn't make it wrong.

RosieAndGin · 26/09/2010 11:40

Dd does use my name at school, but we were told she could not apply for passport or driving licence in that name until she has a deed poll, which she can apply for herself at 16.

She has not had any contact at all with ex, wouldn't know what he looked like, no cards, prezzies, zilch, so can understand her frustration.

lostdad · 27/09/2010 11:44

`but 'against the law' doesn't make it wrong'.

You can do what you like ValiumSingleton.

I do hope though you're not advising others to break this (or any other law) if they don't like it are you now?

I hope the ex's of any contact-blocking mothers do the same if they feel they don't like the law too! Wink

That's a joke, by the way.

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