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Original poster

Why do our ex's hate us so much?

75 replies

Shimmerysilverglitter · 22/09/2010 14:37

Finally threw ex h out after 8 years of verbal and physical abuse. He was unfaithful countless times, did nothing round the house, was financially abusive and so on.

This morning I do on msn to talk about dc and within three sentences he has called me a "horrible bitch" , told me how much he hates me and that I have MH issues, this because I am taking kids away for weekend. More than that too but too much to go into right now.

They treat us like shit and as though they hate us when we are in the relationship with them then despise us even more when we finish it. I honestly don't get it. They don't have to be with us any more but their dislike for us only increases. Madness.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 27/09/2010 12:07

yes janos good list this one i ahve had to resort to a few times...

  1. Don't respond to threats or attempts at provocation. For example if they are at the door ranting, say something like "We can discuss this later" and shut the door in their face. A closed door doesn't care what they say. Tough if they don't like it.
ValiumSingleton · 27/09/2010 17:56

Well Lostdad, I don't really care what other people do, but I feel strongly that they should have the sur name of the one parent who is raising them entirely. Do you have a moral objection to a woman in my situation inserting her own sur name into the mix? Yes, in this instance you have the law on your side, but the law can be an ass sometimes.

Do you have a moral, ethical problem with the mother of a child whose father refuses to help with the parenting (practically or financially) allowing the children to be known as "child hername fathersname". Be honest, does that really offend your sensibilities, or are you just smug because the law is on your side.

Have you ever smoked a joint btw? just wondering.

RosieAndGin · 27/09/2010 18:20

I agree Valium - if dad was around and wanted to be involved this problem would not have arisen, but why would she want the name of a man, who walked away from her and never looked back.

Lostdad - I can understand why you feel like that, if you want to be involved in your childs life im sure the problem should'nt arise. But please allow my 14Dd to express her feeling on being abandoned how ever she chooses, she has a step-father and chooses to use our name because we are the only family she has known, she knows of her father but also knows its his choice not to see her, he has never been prevented.

lostdad · 27/09/2010 21:02

A joint? No - I coughed my guts up the one time I tried.

Do I feel smug? No. My son bearing my son is a poor substitute for him having his father in his life for a meaningful amount of time.

I would rather be in my ex's position than mine.

ValiumSingleton · 28/09/2010 16:42

I think you are confusing what is right with what is the law. You didn't think they were the same did you? Confused

My x contributes nothing and yet sees the children whenever he wants. It is only right that I should be able to insert my name in to their sur names along with their father's. If you have an objection to that that then you need to acknowledge that objection to patriarchal norms is not wrong.

lostdad · 29/09/2010 12:03

`you need to acknowledge that objection to patriarchal norms is not wrong'

You're right.

It's just as bad as the matriarchal norms that mothers should be designated as primary carers when parents split and the father relegated to a `contact parent' against his will.

Doesn't stop lots of people screaming `children should live with their mothers' though does it?

lou33 · 29/09/2010 12:55

Children should live with whoever has been their main carer and can manage this best.

And this is usually the mother.

I dread to think what kind of care they would have got uf my ex h had them .

whiteandnerdy · 29/09/2010 15:30

Woh there Lou33 take it easy with your sweeping statements that may not apply to everybody, I'm not wanting to flame the thread but I'm certainly stocking up on rhetorical napalm :o)

lou33 · 29/09/2010 15:58

I said usually not always so how is that sweeping?

cestlavielife · 29/09/2010 16:02

my exP was for two years the main carer while i worked - however he certainly could not manage the best. ...

it isnt always as simple as who is nominally around in the day time.

lou33 · 29/09/2010 16:08

right i am at the pc now and not my phone so can post better

i think you are assuming i am saying that kids should stay with the mum whatever, which is not the case

i am saying that when a marriage breaks down, it is better for the child to stay with whoever has been the MAIN carer (assuming there are no concerns over how they have been looked after , and by that i dont mean petty niggles based on anger at the marriage ending)

And the main carer in most situations IS usually the mother

It's hard enough for kids during separation and divorce without them facing the possibility of more turmoil, thats all

cant see whats so flaming about that?

lou33 · 29/09/2010 16:10

i am sure i will be thrown loads of exceptions now but i was just saying as a general rule the man carer is the mum and unless there are serious concerns about her ability to care for them, then kids usually stay with the main carer (i.e the mum)

and i dont see why that would be wrong

whiteandnerdy · 29/09/2010 16:43

I'm not assuming anything I'm just thinking .. what do you mean by "should live with" and "should stay with" and "usually stay with". Also how do you, and who would define "manage the best"?

In a case where you have two equally able parents wanting the best for their DC who seperate what are you suggesting? Someone somewhere has to make a choice that this is the better parent?

Personally I don't like this I'm a better parent than you, I earn more money than my Ex erm does that make me a better parent? My Ex currently doesn't work so does having more free time a better parent? I play more computer games does that make me a worse parent? I like to encourage indipendace and boisterous play. My Ex prefers more bounded and controlled play. Is there a better that should be chosen?

lou33 · 29/09/2010 17:26

I am not suggesting anything. I said what usually seems to be the case, and the kids should stay with the main carer, which generally seems to be the mum. It is not a gender issue.

Not sure what part was so contentious there.

Oh well

ValiumSingleton · 29/09/2010 17:42

lostdad, that's two different issues there, you challenged me about inserting my own name into my children's on the grounds that it's "against the law".

I didn't ask my x to absolve himself of all parental responsibility. That was entirely his decision.

......such a rare story... not.

But you're critical of me because I think the children should have their mother's name???

lou33 · 29/09/2010 17:45

Does anyone on this thread know if someone can legally waive their parental rights?

SolidGoldBrass · 30/09/2010 01:01

I think the best way to deal with arsehole XPs is to remember that while the children have a right to a relationship with their father (sadly a right that is often breached by the fathers just fucking off), your XP has NO RIGHT WHATSOEVER to a relationship with you if he's a knob. You can get all messages/contact handled by a third party and a court order preventing your XP from approaching you or attempting to contact you in any way. OK it's only necessary to go that far in the case of really dangerous loopy XPs, but it's worth bearing in mind for tiresome ones, the fact that you can just shut them out of your own life forever.

ElenorRigby · 30/09/2010 08:57

"but it's worth bearing in mind for tiresome ones, the fact that you can just shut them out of your own life forever."
WTF does that mean? Angry
DP's ex no doubt considers him tiresome as he is and always has been besotted with his daughter, has always played an active role in aspects of his daughters life etc etc.
He was bloody useful for years when she was out socialising.

But apparently he is tiresome now as she has a new man who is to be a new "daddy" to their daughter and DP is now surplus to requirements.

Oh and please do tell how share the methodology to shut a "tiresome" one, out of "your own life forever"

I'd love your definition of a "tiresome one" too. Hmm

lou33 · 30/09/2010 09:47

I assumed the comment to mean someone who tries to generally be a pita to you, in a non child related fashion

A bit like mine who puts huge time and effort into ranting and raging about how i ruined his life, then sends me video of our wedding from 15 yrs ago which he has remixed, and all the time making excuses why he cant see the kids let alone call them.

SolidGoldBrass · 30/09/2010 10:15

Elenor: I meant ones who are not actually dangerously stalky, but who devote a lot of time and energy to making life difficult for their XWs, who can't have a civilised conversation about pick up times without criticizine the XW's hair, clothes or cooking, or whining on endlessly about what a bitch she is for not taking him back (despite him being a lazyarsed alcoholic who nearly bankrupted her or whatever).
If a man can't be civil to his XW for the sake of the DC, she can arrange all contact through a third party and, while the DC get to see their father(presuming he can be bothered to see them when he can no longer use contact arrangements as a way of pestering his XW) she need never see or speak to him again.

lou33 · 30/09/2010 10:24

Sgb you describe my exh, aside from i did have to go bankrupt because of him

ElenorRigby · 30/09/2010 11:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SolidGoldBrass · 30/09/2010 11:16

Elenor: Sorry you are having such a horrible time and I'm fully aware that some women can be selfish and spiteful. Your poor family, I hope it all gets sorted out.

ElenorRigby · 30/09/2010 13:26

Thanks SGB
We are adults so we know we have to get through it all. Worse thing is DSD has been damaged by this ie being separated from her paternal family and her sister, being interviewed by several agencies and being coached by her mum. Our carefree joker has gone. Hopefully once this is settled we can help her get over all this.
btw I asked previous post be deleted as the content is too identifying

jossykevin · 18/08/2023 01:58

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