child maintenance-lack of-prat of an H

[SpiritualKnot]

Just wanting to vent!

My H, who I'm divorcing for his adultry, has decided he is giving me £0 child maintenance after 19 years of marriage. He says I can afford it all on my own and unfortunately as I've paid everything on my own for our marriage, I can't disprove it, even though I'm buying him out by increasing the mortgage, which will cost an extra £150 a month. He just refuses to believe me, even though it's all written down in black and white.

Showed him today that the £250 he was meant to give me actually came off what I would have spent on the kids and he just said "Tough". Now I'm giving my son £100 a month for college instead of the £325 I was going to give him and spending £25 a month less on my daughter.

Would rather have nothing as he'd be like yours and expect me to account for it, but my kids will suffer because of it. Can't stop paying for anything else as it's all essential stuff, mortgage, bills etc. He says he will put £100 a month in a savings account for my dd, when she's 18 (she's now 11). Hard for me to believe as he hasn't saved any money in the past, whilst I have made regular savings for both dc.

I know I could go to CSA, but not whilst I live in the same area as him as he'd freak out.

I'm very worried that the judge will say that I should be giving him more as he may presume that H will be paying me child maintenance?

Some men are total prats.

Most of what you are feeling is because you are actually living through it now. It doesn't mean it is truth.
He won't love her children more than yours.It's not that he hates you but that he wants to be with someone else.
It's devastating to find your life, hopes and dreams will have to change and that someone else now has what is essentially "yours".
However as my ex said when he walked,you can't know the future. There is no guarantee that they will stay well and live long happy lives together.Even if they do that doesn't mean you can't have the same.
If you can afford to forget the money (obviously get the house sorted) and enjoy being a single mum. There are lots of benefits to being on your own. Hope you can find a way through this because their is life on the other side.

Sorry to see this is causing you more stress SpiritualKnot. It seems that things are getting worse rather than better - I remember some of your posts on relationships.

justonemorethen - please can you explain why asking for child maintenance = being a bitch?

And how do you not 'get' the intimidation thing?

I didn't actually mention CM when I said being a bitch - it's a separate paragraph on moving forward. However it's linked in that I mean not using CM or access or anything else as an excuse to beat him up over the separation.

From SpirtualKnots posts so far I haven't really understood why she feels intimidated and therefore it's hard to offer comment.
I'm not sure what he's intimidating her about? He's already moved out and planned a new life. There's no mention of threats or such like SpirtualKnots gives us examples of his shouting but to me seem to be things yelled in retaliation (to demands for CM?) rather than attacking ones. She can go to the CSA or can use the house to come to an arrangement, which is why I can't see what he got to intimidate her about.
My point was that with lots of high emotion we say things that aren't a true reflection of how we actually know we should behave.

if you have a solicitor who thinks you should get CM, can the solicitor do it for you.

I get nowt from my x and I'm broke. Some men are just determined to pay nothing....

This is not a man I argue with! He's over 6 feet tall and 18 stone. You don't argue with him.

He saw some bills I'd paid for repairs and said if I could afford repairs to the house he wasn't paying child maintainance. He'd let himself in, in my absence, been through the drawer I keep invoices and was waiting seethingly for me when I returned.

This is why I'm doing without child maintenance. It's him that wants the pay off, so that he can buy a house with the OW, she has a house, so maybe she'll sell that, I don't know. I would stay and sell in the future, but he wants the money now. He wants the house to fall into disrepair beause he knows when I do come to sell, the value will be reduced.

We had come to an arrangement, we spent 4 or 5 mmonths agreeing the arrangement.ie payoff with child maintenance. The solicitor drew it up. I paid the solicitor. The agreed arrangement ( agreed between husband and myself)was sent to him to sign and then he said no he didn't want that. He may not agree with the next arrangement that he wants, payoff with no child maintenance, that's how he is.

Yes, he's moved out and made himself a new life but he could at least do me the courtesy of letting me move on with my life now.

justonemore - I think you must be reading different posts to me, cause I can quite easily see why this man is intimidating.

Anyway SK - sounds like your ex is using bully tactics to get what he wants.

Why don't you get locks changed?

He's left - he doesn't need to be coming in the house.If he wants to see your DD he can see her away from the house. If she doesn't want to go to OW then they can go shopping/to cinema, for pizza etc.

And I repeat - stuff what he says about maintenance. He is obliged to pay by law, and he knows it. This is why he's trying to intimdate you into not pursuing him for it. However, at the same time I can understand why you don't want the hassle right now when emotions are running high and you are having to deal with everyday stuff.

VS - mine too. Dunno how they look at themselves in the mirror, really.

They have to agree on a settlement for the house which he doesn't live in any more and paid much less into. What's he going to do?.
She has earns more money and has the children and is pretty angry...that's intimidating in my book.

SK if you can do it on your own then do it.

To quote Trisha

"Do you want to be right...or do you want to be happy"

SK
This is now bonkers. Why is the fact that he is 6foot tall and 18 stone coming into it? So is my Dad and he's not scary. I thought he was this poorly paid loser from your first post.

Stop and think.He just doesn't want to pay. This does not mean he doesn't love his children but he doesn't think he can support his other family if he does.Do you really need £250 a month or is it that he's getting away with treating you like c**p. Love is not the same as money.Of course he loves his children and I'm sure in time you'll be able to figure something out.

Forget the CM. You can afford to support your whole family and that does make you the better person,for your sanity the less you twist yourself up the better.

If the OW is 24 than they have a whole heap of s**t coming up too, namely marriage,kids etc.
It won't be pretty or easy.He'll always have to worry that she'll leave him for a younger model as well.Revenge is a dish best served cold! (not a Trisha quote)

Anyway he seems to be spending the money he's saving by not providing child maintenace, wisely. He told me he bought 3 tickets for a concert for over £200 and when they didn't arrive he went back to the website and it was gone, in it's place was a warning that the website had been a scam....he said they were really good seats as well. We actually laughed about it as it's so typical of him.

The solicitor said that he must have savings as he earned so much and contributed so little, I had to admit that he does just fritter money away. I'm not trying to be awful when I say that, it's just how he is. For me it was part of his charm. He used to pop out and come back with a new car and I loved it coz I was always so sensible with money, I just would never dare do anything like that.

I'm very bad at discussing money, I find the whole subject embarrassing for some reason. I know that he's scared about his money situation and I am worried that the OW might be seeing him as a rich older man and be planning too take him for everything. I don't whether she's pressurising him about all this.

Can I say that yes, I have the kids, he doesn't want them and it would be unrealistic for him to have them due to his shift work. I'm very grateful for that above all else. Would be a total nightmare if that wasn't the case, would hate to be fighting over them.

I am angry with him for what he's done. But we had many happy years together and it's hard. I would never be able to have him back, coz of the adultry and he knows that.

I'm sticking with the payoff and no child maintenance. I won't do CSA and it would cost me thousands of pounds to take it all through the courts (approx £10K?) and too much time. I've just set up a standing order for my son for £100 a month for college. He says he'll be fine. I don't think they'll lose out. I can always move to a smaller place in the future if I need to.

I don't know how people can have divorces that take years to sort out. I think that H will be far more generous to the kids if the pressure is off him and he'll delight in that...I mean that in a good way as it'll benefit him, the kids and me as well...when I get over it all.

I won't be getting the locks changed, I'll be asking him for the key back, that won't be a problem. I've tried to keep things amicable and it's not working too well as long as he comes and goes as he pleases, I need to know I have some privacy.

Anyway, I've calmed down quite a bit now. It's nice to have support from this site and it's good that some play devil's advocate as well. Good to see both sides of the argument.

Thanks to you all!

I'D love if I thought my x were wasting the money he should be contributing. I think he is saving so that he can literally buy the children back when they're adults. ie, come and live in this apartment 200 metres from me!! (and 300 miles from your mother)

Quote **Yes, he's moved out and made himself a new life but he could at least do me the courtesy of letting me move on with my life now....

erh no he has a younger model if she messes up he may want to come back - and anyway he wanmts to control you and get you to do what he wants

sorry

But really for your own sanity you need to get the locls changed and let your dd go to his if she wants to see him - end off you don't need him coming in the house

get your solicitor to sort ou a court hearing if he isn't moving forward - and then let him tell the judge he doesn't want to pay CM

I hate to say this but I can't help thinking you could struggle to get this 'rubber stamped' by the courts. All divorce settlements have to be approved by a judge and seeing as payment of child maintenance is a legal requirement they could refuse to approve it

May be worth asking your solicitor

Please remember too that if you do go ahead with your plans and regret not having maintenance off him at a later date, you can apply to the CSA once the court order is 12 months old

"Stop and think.He just doesn't want to pay. This does not mean he doesn't love his children but he doesn't think he can support his other family if he does."

Oh yes, boo hoo the poor love! How simply dreadful if he can't support himself and OW in their new love nest because of his tiresome family commitments! Can't believe I didn't see this before .

You seem determined to see the best in your XH SK. That reflects well on you as a person but just be aware that he is going all out to look after number one and that your, and it seems your childrens welfare is way down his list of priorities. protect yourselves.

This is an afterthought, but might you consider some form of mediation?

"This is now bonkers. Why is the fact that he is 6foot tall and 18 stone coming into it?"

Gee, I dunno..I mean maybe it's just me but a 6ft, 18 stone bloke yelling at me and getting up in my face would be pretty damn scary.

Well it would be if she hadn't been married to him for 19 years and got used to him being 6 foot and 18 stone.Presumably this isn't the first argument in 19 years? SK doesn't mention him being violent or anything.

"Oh yes, boo hoo the poor love! How simply dreadful if he can't support himself and OW in their new love nest because of his tiresome family commitments! Can't believe I didn't see this before hmm."

The point of divorce is that he removes himself from "family commitments".Of course men should pay CM and not leave it to the state to pick up. However the situation is as it is. SK can support her family on her own and therefore would be better off IMO moving forward happy in the knowledge that she needs him for nothing.
I agree he has been a bastard and if CM benefits SK than go for it. I think it may serve as constant reminder that she has been wronged and that it keeps a connection with someone who she claims feels intimidated by.

I speak as someone who was left (for a younger woman)when pregnant after a happy 8 year relationship. I am eternally grateful that he has no part in our life because it is so much less complicated and easy to move forward for us both. Compared to friends who all took years of fighting with each other before reaching amicable(ish) arrangements.

Ok justonemore. I thought you meant it was understandable he didn't want to pay maintenance but I see that's not what you meant now.

We will have to agree to disagree about the intimidation thing. If someone says they feel intimdated I tend not to assume they are making it up for effect - especially when they go on to describe intimidating behaviour.

There is a connection there though isn't there which will never go away? That's a fundamental issue. They have 2 children (albeit one is now a young adult)together.

I realise this will come across as a bit blunt but the difference is your Dc never knew their Dad. SK's children - he has been in their life for years and years.

Janos, it's OK you can be blunt !!

I agree they have a connection but as their problems will impact the kids,the less they have to argue over the better. SK isn't desperate for the money so I think she should let it go more for her sake. There is nothing to say that he won't pay for things further down the line especially as he is happy to maintain contact.

I think he has done a terrible thing to SK but also that people do fall out of love or meet other people.I can totally see why SK would be upset...it totally erodes your self esteem being dumped but twice as bad when you are dumped for a younger woman. Her moral high ground is that he won't pay child support but I just got the feeling (and I could be wrong)that it's a point of principle rather than a thought out plan.

I'm still imagining that it's a Mumsnetter that left her husband (because he was always working and she had found someone more fun )and her husband who had always earned more was keeping the family home. If he was asking for £250 a month would the MN response be the same? My guess lots would say he was out for revenge and that she should pay what she could afford and be supportive of finding love out of a loveless marriage etc etc.

Anyway what do I know.Just hope SK finds happiness again before long.

realise that I may not be helping so will shut up !

OP, it reads like you're tying yourself in knots a bit over the OW when that isn't really the issue (understandable tho)

This isn't amicable, he's getting his own way. Stop the popping round, change the locks or take his key and let him take DD to McDonalds.
Let your solicitor ask him for CM. It doesn't matter that you earn a good amount: he earns a reasonable wage too and should be contributing. Put it all in accounts for your children if you like - don't rely on him doing it. The point is that he should pay a proportion of what he can afford regardless of whether you earn loads or nothing.

So he gave me back the front door key yesterday, I asked him to and he did. Later that day, noticed the back door one was missing. Turned out he'd taken it after giving me the other one back. He says he'll return it and laughed about taking it.

This is the door my dd uses to get access during school days, so I can't leave a key on the inside to prevent anyone getting in from the outside if you see what I mean. So if he copies it he'll have access. Don't want her to use the front door for access in case anyone notices from the street and knows there's a young girl in the house alone.

Jusy want to clarify, doesn't matter how much he weighs or how tall he is, he is intimidating. He's a copper, he knows how to be intimidating, it's in his job description. He knows he has legal access to the house.

I am feeling pissed off. This is a guy who says he wants to remain amicable and have a quick divorce.I am totally going along with whatever he wants and yet he just continues to move the boundaries.

It's been suggested on here that I must be intimidating and getting angry with him. The only thing intimidating about me is that I remain calm at all times, that's probably what intimidates him, he continously tries to get a rise out of me and can't. I don't remain calm on purpose, I'm just so stressed, tired and fed up with all the lies, that there's no energy in me at all to retaliate.

That key thing is not funny spiritual, so not funny. and for you.
I think you need to stop going along with everything - it's getting you nowhere. You need an advocate of some sort to stand with you, a legal one or just someone to mediate and set some rules.
But I think he needs to stop coming into the house and doing as he pleases. To be honest I find your accounts of him creepy and worrying and I would really advise you to get some legal help and some distance established asap.

God, why didn't you say he was a policeman?

I take back all my doubts about your post (and mean this). It does take a certain type of selfrightous controlfreak man to be a policeman.
Take it all the way. He won't be happy whatever you do.

Get the back door lock changed! Maybe you need to phone womens aid, as he is abusive. Talk to your solicitors and listen to what they say. This is not an amicable divorce, he is intimidating you, to try and save himself as much money as possible.

Your son sounds great, but I would be thinking about moving as son as your son goes to college.

Good luck!

Thanks for the replies. Didn't mention his job before in case anyone I know reads this, but have stopped caring.

I'll contact my solicitor tomorrow. He's been round and returned the key. Didn't speak with him. I just picked up my car keys from near the front door and went upstairs. Heard him ask whether I'd done that because I thought he might take those? Didn't answer, but how do I know whether he would or not?

Sounds like he is spoiling for a fight IMHO. Why wouldn't you think he might take the keys to the car - he's taken front and back door so far!
Legal help and someone on your side, soonest. Ask Womens Aid if anyone can help. And please make sure you tell your solicitor everything, don't keep trying the amicable thing.
A small glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel - take heart that without question you have done the right thing in getting rid of what sounds like an abusive nobber.

Just read through the latest developments SK.

Really, sod trying to be amicable here. Protect yourself and your DD - he is not going to be reasonable. Please stop hoping he will.