XP is harassing me.... do i report it to the police?

[Supercherry]

XP and I split up almost 12mths ago due to his lack of respect for me, verbal abuse, agressiveness etc.

We did try to remain friends- we live on the same street so I let him come and help put the children to bed. We would even sometimes go out for the day together. I realise now that this wasn't a good idea.

I put a stop to XP and I having any contact abot a month ago. We tried to arrange access for children together but he is unreliable. Both times he did have the boys overnight I had constant phone calls, abusive text messages. They got very threatening while he still had the boys so in desperation I phoned the police.

The police were lovely, they said that they should arrest him but wouldn't if I didn't want to take it that far. I was advised to send him a text explaining that any further abuse or harassment would result in him being arrested and harassment charges brought about. They would also inform both of his employers.

I changed my mobile number and really thought that that would be the end of it. He continued to the boys and I down for access so I have also put a stop to access for now, until he can get a solicitor and we can have things arranged more officially.

My dilemma is that I went out with my brother on friday night, I drove and left my car outside the pub to fetch the following day. XP must have seen my car and came storming into the pub, he shouted at me 'Who the fuck has got my children?' and then turned on my brother and said 'and you better fucking watch out'. He looked like he was on drugs. I ignored him. XP left the pub but then came back in 10 minutes later and said 'sorry, can we talk?'- I said no and after he had asked a few more times and I still said no he left.

We moved onto a different pub. XP was in there and he screamed at me 'this is my pub, you can't come in here'. I know I should have just left but by this point I had had a few and stubbornness kicked in. I ignored him and went to a different part of the pub. XP's friends backed me up and calmed him down.

When I got home, my sister, who was babysitting for me, said he had phoned her and threatened her too.

WWYD? Phone the police and report this? I don't know why but I feel quite sorry for XP, he is clearly really bitter but he can't treat me like this. I want a peaceful life. I don't want to ruin XP's life either- he could lose his job if I report it and that would make the situation worse surely?

Phone the police. It's his own life he's ruining if it comes to that - and do you want him twisting the pub incident as a reason you're not a fit mother if he's going for access? Sorry to be a bit extreme - but his behaviour clearly isn't getting any better, and the more you let him get away with the worse he'll get.

So I think you should get the police involved - it'd probably only be a caution if that, but it'd get things on record if you need it later, and might even make him think twice about the way he's behaving. Good luck

Don't waste your time feeling sorry for him. Protect yourself and your family. He is unlikely to improve by himself. And if he lost his job, that would be HIS fault for being aggressive, threatening and on drugs, not YOURS for being the brunt of it all.

Thank you. I do need other's opinions here. I don't want to do the wrong thing.

How long have I got to report it or does it not matter? It happened friday night.

Actually, that is what the policeman said too. That the ball was in his court now and if he ended up getting arrested after being warned to stop the behaviour then he had no-one to blame but himself.

Will I have a choice in whether they just caution him or start proceedings?

I don't really want to get him into trouble, I just want him to stop being an arsehole to me.

I know I sound pathetic but I'm really torn on this :(

If you really want to give him one more chance I suggest you tell him when he's likely to sober/clean that if he doesn't stop the harrassment you will go to the police again (stress the again) and tell him what they have said; also tell him that you have kept a diary of all the incidents and copies of the text messages (doesn't matter if you haven't). If he then continues then you must go to the police. If you've told him this before, though, then I think you need to go the police now or he will just think that you're a pushover.

Personally, I'd go to the police and sod him!

Thank you BelleDame :) I have called the police. The officer I spoke to is going to call me back with an appointment. She said what they did was up to me. They might just have a word with him.

It was be better coming from them than me.

At least if it does escalate, it's all on record.

I think you made the right decision. Hopefully the police visit will make him see that you mean business.

I think so too. I hope you're ok?

you did the right thing - they should just caution him without informing anyone else and make it clear to him that youve the right to have him prosecuted if it happens again. that way if it does he only has himself to blame.

and mention all of this when it comes to sorting out formal access.

I'm OK thank you. The police were lovely, again, they said they would just have a chat with him this time.

What's really odd is that he has just called the house phone- I hung up when he spoke. He rang again waking the baby up.

He then knocked at my door a few times and then left.

Surely, if the man has any common sense at all, he will just leave it now?

Doesn't sound like he is thinking very clearly, certainly. But if there is no means of communication about seeing his children at all, there's bound to be a reaction, specially if he's out and had a few. Is there a family member/friend who could sort out some times and dates and do the handovers? What about mediation?

Whilst I think you are absolutely right not to tolerate any abuse, it doesn't seem clear what criteria he has to meet in order to spend time with his children - and the court process can take months. If he thinks you are going to block contact until he has a court order he is probably going a bit frantic.

Tanga, I know it may look like he's reacting to not seeing the children but honestly, he's been given every opportunity to see the boys up until now. He can contact me via email to discuss issues and he knows this but chooses not to.

There is a whole other thread about the access issues.

The abusive/threatening text messages were at their worst while he had our boys last friday. On the one hand, he does want to see our boys but on the other hand he seems to not want me to be able to have any time off.

I have not been out alot in the last few years, whenever I did, while we were still together, he would be nasty, accuse me of dressing like a prostitute (very untrue) and basically ruin any time away from the boys I ever had.

He is trying to do the same now.

Tanga, I want mediation but he will need to get a solicitor- I simply cannot communicate with him any longer. He is impossible to reason with, his tone is aggressive, he accuses me of using our children against him. I then get dragged into trying to defend myself and it ends up in a big row.

Genuinely, I'm not using the children against him. I want access arrangements that allow the boys to spend quality time with their dad. I want XP to keep to the arrangements unless there are exceptional circumstances. So far he has failed to do this. Rather than enjoying the boys while he has them, he spends the time harassing me.

hi supercherry you did exactly the right thing. fwiw i was in a very simialr situation to you and i got fed up of the harrassment etc and reported him. he did get arrested for his behaviour and spent the night in the cells. i also asked for mediation but my solicitor said (at a later date when he asked for mediation)that in view of his previous behaviour that perhaps mediation was not appropriate.

do you have a solicitor yourself? if not, then most will offer a free hour (or half-hour) appointment where you can ask all the qestions you want/need.

i will only say what i do, i cannot tell you what to do. could you allow access at a local contact centre? then you won't be accused of stopping access.

i wish you all the best xx if you wish to talk off-board, you are more than welcome to contact me via email [email protected]
(i think - i had better check i've got the address correct now!)

nope it was [email protected]
sorry

you are not getting him into trouble - he is .

if he say harasses you or your sister again - you ened ot react imeediatelya dn call police (get local police number to hand not 999 but the local number)

eg your sister is with dc - gets absive call - she calls police and says "i am feelgin very scared xxxx is calling and threatening me" .

same with you in pub - he threatens you or your friend - call police there and then.

also ignoring him and not rising to defend yourself - hard i know but jsut ignore...

set out in writing times for contact and insist he sticks to them for the dc sake.

Aurorastargazer, thank you for your email, that is so kind. I don't have a solicitor, and I wasn't planning on getting one. I was just hoping that he would. I am happy to reperesent myself if it comes down to it.

Thank you Cestlavielife- any morr harassment will get reported immediatley. The contact centre is a good idea too- I will offer this to XP in an email.

no problem it might well be worth getting a solicitor later on though, please bear it in mind?

how are you today?

Remember, this man is abusive (and by the sound of it potentially dangerous). Stop all contact between him and you, for a start. Remember he has no right to any kind of relationship with you and what you do is none of his business.
WRT his access to the DC I would suggest he is allowed supervised contact only as he is so abusive. This can be arranged at set times and if he doesn;t turn up, have a back up plan if you need to be somewhere else at the time and make a note of it - abusive men like this frequently kick up about starting legal action for custody when they don;t want custody at all, they just want to harass you. If there is a clear track record of him being an abusive tosspot and a lousy dad and an unreliable one, he will be laughted out of court and told he can have supervised access or piss off.

I didn't realise there were more replies to this thread- it had disappeared from my 'I'm on' section IYKWIM. Sorry, wasn't ignoring anyone.

Well, the situation is no better really. XP has started texting my mum saying he wants to see the boys. He has emailed a few times saying he wants to see the boys to which he gets the same reply- along the lines of, please go to a solicitor so we can discuss access.

He has phoned my uncle, who has Down's Syndrome, and asked him to go out for a drink??!! He has taken my uncle out once before but obviously things are different now. My uncle likes XP and it would be pointless trying to explain to him otherwise. It would cause him upset for nothing really. XP is being manipulative here isn't he?

Since cutting contact with XP, I have been out twice. My sister babysat for me on sunday evening while I went out for 3.5hrs. She bathed my nephew at my house, who had a very loud tantrum. The bathroom window was open so people in the street could hear him crying. My sister told me some kids had knocked the door and enquired about the cying. (Bear with me here). XP is a youth worker so the kids must have told him something about this.

I had an email from XP saying people had been telling him that DS1 had been crying alot lately (bullshit) and he was worried. Now, I know I shouldn't have replied really but I explained that it was my nephew crying that he was probbly referring to nd that I wasn't even in the house at the time.

Today I have had an email from him saying I am a terrible mother, I shouldn't be going out all the time, 'people' tell him that I am going out all the time, even my own family think I am disgusting, I have no respect for people who babysit for me, but in fact he's not bothered by what I do, he is just interested in the boys. Also he says if the boys meet new people they need to be CRB checked under Sarah's law. WTF?!?!

I have replied saying not to email me anymore and I will only discuss things with a solicitor on his behalf.

This is his email:

Supercherry i believe that you are a terrible mother and everyone is thinking it , even your own family think you are discusting , it is not up to other people to look after my boys wilst you go out or what ever you are up to .
If you are letting my boys meet new people i have a right to know i want them to be crb checked under the sarahs law , by what ive been told you are out all the time and letting people baby sit them have some respect for other people will you .
my main interest is my boys not you!

Jeez this all sounds very familiar, scarily so, from the living on the same street to the "everyone thinks your a rubbish parent!" and "how dare you have baby sitters that I haven't vetted." Along with the classic, everyone says your a rubbish parent, 'everyone' being friends that don't know me or my DC, being told what a crap parent I am and simply reflecting this back.

Now personally I have a couple of competing theories about what's going on in my own situation, I don't know if any of them are applicable to yourself and your ExP:

1/ ExP isn't really that into being with the DC as she percieves other parents are, just a gut feeling, therefore maybe trying to over-compensate by saying "I care more about the DC, because of all these things your doing wrong, see how I care so much about them and you don't (even though I don't do much of that parent to child stuff)."

2/ ExP just want's to be in control, therefore says "if you don't do this then your a bad parent, do as your told and your a good parent"

3/ ExP is still angry about the failed relationship and basically needs to heap the blame onto me, with "if only you were a better person, our relationship would have worked, it's all your fault because your such a rubbish person."

4/ Maybe due to our different styles of parenting, ExP is correct I am rubbish parent, and struggles with the agony of me being their parent and is doubled over with worry whenever they are with me.

Sorry for venting waffling about my own situation, i dunno, I wonder if any of these sound familiar.

ah the old "everyone know how awful you are" email/text. they so follow a script dont they?

your exes are saying/doing nothing new, it's all been done, is jsut plys.
ignore. ignore dont rise to it do ot defend yourself you dont need to. what they think is their problem.

solicitor to arrange acccess. end of.

actually my exP has moved on - he now texts pics to show how marvellous a time the dc are having with him with words like "look how much they enjopying the park with me"

or "when i saw ds today he was so excited to see me! he really loves me"

it is more fun - pleasant even - than the outwardly abusive ones - but is still rather creepy.... as tho he seeks praise for doing something he should be doing anyway?