XP is harassing me.... do i report it to the police?

[Supercherry]

XP and I split up almost 12mths ago due to his lack of respect for me, verbal abuse, agressiveness etc.

We did try to remain friends- we live on the same street so I let him come and help put the children to bed. We would even sometimes go out for the day together. I realise now that this wasn't a good idea.

I put a stop to XP and I having any contact abot a month ago. We tried to arrange access for children together but he is unreliable. Both times he did have the boys overnight I had constant phone calls, abusive text messages. They got very threatening while he still had the boys so in desperation I phoned the police.

The police were lovely, they said that they should arrest him but wouldn't if I didn't want to take it that far. I was advised to send him a text explaining that any further abuse or harassment would result in him being arrested and harassment charges brought about. They would also inform both of his employers.

I changed my mobile number and really thought that that would be the end of it. He continued to the boys and I down for access so I have also put a stop to access for now, until he can get a solicitor and we can have things arranged more officially.

My dilemma is that I went out with my brother on friday night, I drove and left my car outside the pub to fetch the following day. XP must have seen my car and came storming into the pub, he shouted at me 'Who the fuck has got my children?' and then turned on my brother and said 'and you better fucking watch out'. He looked like he was on drugs. I ignored him. XP left the pub but then came back in 10 minutes later and said 'sorry, can we talk?'- I said no and after he had asked a few more times and I still said no he left.

We moved onto a different pub. XP was in there and he screamed at me 'this is my pub, you can't come in here'. I know I should have just left but by this point I had had a few and stubbornness kicked in. I ignored him and went to a different part of the pub. XP's friends backed me up and calmed him down.

When I got home, my sister, who was babysitting for me, said he had phoned her and threatened her too.

WWYD? Phone the police and report this? I don't know why but I feel quite sorry for XP, he is clearly really bitter but he can't treat me like this. I want a peaceful life. I don't want to ruin XP's life either- he could lose his job if I report it and that would make the situation worse surely?

It is predictable. When XP says 'everyone thinks....' it is utter fantasy. No-one would think I was a bad parent, it is all aimed at getting a rise as usual. He craves my attention. He is jealous and so obviously not over it. If all he cared about was the boys then that's all he would talk about.

The going out thing is utter rubbish too, people could not be telling him I am out alot as I am not. As I said, I went out for 3.5hrs on Sunday and then I think it was 1 or 2 weeks prior to that I went out on the friday.

I am a full time stay at home mum, I can probably count on one hand how many times I have had an overnight babysitter in nearly 3yrs.

The only babysitter I ever have is my sister.

Saying my family thinks I am disgusting is just bizarre- we are a close family. They think he is a nob but they have always been civil with him, maybe he misconsrues this as being on his side.

Whiteandnerdy, sorry you're going through similar.

Cestlavielife, your XP sounds pretty weird too.

Thanks for replying.

He might be just digging for information too- I think he wants to hear me say that in fact I am not going out much as it would put his mind at rest maybe?

He is continuing to harass you.

Make a complaint to the police.

See if you can also get an injunction out to prevent him contacting you unless through a solicitor, until your child care arrangements are formalised.

he just wants you to say something to him, he wants to engage.

would not matter what you said.

whatever you say, will be 2wrong" or prove his point...

no point trying to second guess his reasoning. leave him to it...

it doesnt really matter.

Take out an injunction preventing him from contacting your uncle with Downs Syndrome. your uncle is, legally, a vulnerable person and should not have to spend time with an abusive, manipulative dickhead.
Honestly, put everything in the hands of a solicitor and take out as many injunctions as necessary to restrict this man's contact with you and your family/friends to just his DC being able to have supervised contact with him.
The thing is with men like this, abusive knobs who think they own you is you have to be very firm and get everything legally formalised. Then completely cut off contact between you and him, because he is a nuisance and possibly potentially dangerous -given the level of harassment you are already experiencing, getting injunctions in place will help prevent him launching court actions against you as dickheads like this frequently don't stop in the face of injunctions but they can be arrested and even imprisoned, which gets them out of your hair for a while.

I would not concern yourself with his motivation at this point.

You need to contact the police to protect yourself and your family.

There is no need to feel any guilty whatsoever, he has bought this on himself.

Any guilt, I mean!

Thanks everyone- again. I don't know why I was trying to work out his motives really, totally pointless exercise I realise.

Provided he doesn't email again I'll leave contacting the police for now.

I shall wait to hear from his solicitor. I have this feeling he might not bother :(

I think it's natural supercherry wanting to know why, but tbh you will probably never understand and trying to will just do your head in.

Hope you're ok - but really, don't hesitate to contact the police if you need to.

Thank you Janos. Any further issues and I will contact the police.

He has just pulled up outside, next to my car as I was getting the boys out- he started saying 'why are you introducing my boys to other people?' in an aggressive way- I jumped back in car and locked the doors and pulled forward.

I was actually quite frightened- not because I think he will do anything but because I don't want the confrontation and certainly not in front of the children.

He tried to pull up next to me the other day too but I drove off and drove around the block again before coming back to my house.

For the record, I haven't introduced the boys to anyone, only friends.

I think I am going to call the police tomorrow- I can't deal with this anymore.

Sorry to hear that supercherry. Didn't want to leave your post unanswered.

I think that reporting this to the police is the right thing to do.

Why not pick up the phone and do it now - are your boys in bed, can you get someone around for moral support?

Yes please report him to the police, it is the only way and it takes time. SIL went through this things are much better now but he still tries it on when ex-BIL has been drinking.

If he is still wanting contact with the boys just offer him fixed contact. Wednesdays 5-7pm and Saturdays 9 til 5pm or something that suits you - overnight would be good to give you a break.

Do not discuss anything with him. Email only and just keep reitterating that the dc need regular fixed contact as that is what is in their best interests and repeat and repeat.

I didn't want to report it last night- I got an early night and I didn't want the police coming round at that time. I'm going to report it after I've done boy's breakfast and bath.

Thank you for replying, it helps just to talk about it.

The plot thickens.

XP phoned my mum last night, in tears apparently, saying he wanted to sort things out. My mum fell for it and talked to him.

I had a card through the door about half hr ago. A 'We can work it out' card with a verse inside, saying he wanted to be friends and work it out so he can see the boys.

I have never said he can't see the boys!!! Getting exasperated now.

The police are coming around today and they are going to serve something called a Stage 1 Harassment warning (or something like that) on him whereby he has to sign a form to say he will not contact me.

In the past I would have fell for XP's words but not now :(

make it clear to police adn all you offering set contact times which better for everyone.

ugh - so similar to my ex...
even down to verses etc.

Why does part of me want to try and sort things out with him?

It would be so much better for boys if we could be amicable and adult and avoid court.

But I know that if I gave him this chance and chatted to him about access we would be back at square 1- I know I would end up regretting it.

Supercherry: you can't be amicable with this man BECAUSE HE IS A FUCKWIT. He doesn't want to be friends, he wants to harass you and make you miserable because you dared to dump his sorry arse. There is no point at all in trying to avoid court with an abusive man. He needs putting firmly in his place and you can;t do this by reasoning with him, it has to be done with court orders and injunctions.

That's what I needed to hear SGB. Thanks. Still waiting for the police- I know part of me is going to feel bad for going ahead with this but it's the only solution.

If I were to fall for his crap again I would regret it in a few weeks, probably sooner.

No contact (with me) is the way forward and long term it is better for the boys as they won't be subjected to hearing/seeing all the aggression.

Court agreed access is also better as there is more chance of XP sticking to it.

"Court agreed access is also better as there is more chance of XP sticking to it"

wishful thinking there - but yes is only way to go - because for you it is the only way. have something drawn up and agreed in a court order.

then you know you done your bit.

what happens next is anyone's guess but he wont be able to claim you not allowing contact etc - well he will moan no doubt but will be his problem...

SGB is right - only way is to make it the only contact is between him and dc and find a route for changes of arrangments etc. to be communicated eg dedicated mobile.

Hi supercherry was just wondering how things had gone today.

I agree with what SGB said. You can't be reasonable with someone who is NOT reasonable and your ex isn't, he's shown that.

Good for you, it's hard but you're doing the right thing.

Hi,

Police still haven't turned up. Last time they turned up at 7pm just as I would normally put boys to bed.

They want lots of information this time, dates, emails, texts etc. Hope they turn up soon before the boys get very tired.

How's it going Supercherry? I do hope this tosspot man is currently cooling his heels in a cell somewhere.