Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Flip

Original poster

Bloody access problems again!

11 replies

Supercherry · 02/09/2010 10:08

I feel like I am beginning to sound like a broken record over this but ex is being a twat over access again and there is only so much listening to me rant that my RL friends can do. They will get fed up of me.

We had it all arranged a month or so ago. He let me down at least 3 times.

We again agreed new access arrangements that better suited the boys. He had a wedding to go to so we worked around that. He works some evenings and wknd days so we work around that.

He texts me this morning saying he wants to go back to old arrangements, that he only has them fri nights but drops them back really early sat am. The new arrangements meant he had them during the day every other sat so he could actually spend some quality time with them.

It is his birthday next sat- my feling is that he doesn't want them next sat because he wants to go out. That means he would rather go out and get pissed than have his children.

I am fuming. I am sick of us all being messed about. I have already stipulated that he has to stick to agreements.

He is now telling me to get a solicitor because apparently I am not civil and I am harassing him. Ha ha ha- this is because I actually had to call the police due to his harassing me with abusive texts, phone calls at 3am in the morning last week.

If it wasn't for the boys I would cut him off.

I want him to go to a solicitor so I can talk to someone reasonable instead of him.

I have told him that he can stick to most recent access agreement or access will stop and he can get a solicitor and we can go to mediation.

I think I am losing the plot.

I just want an easy life and to be able to move on.

OP posts:

Snorbs · 02/09/2010 10:31

"I have told him that he can stick to most recent access agreement or access will stop and he can get a solicitor and we can go to mediation."

I think that's fair given the circumstances. Can you stick to that?

Original poster

Supercherry · 02/09/2010 11:14

Yeah I can stick to it. Snorbs, you don't know how relieved I am to read your post.

I was expecting a bit of a bashing for that part to be honest.

OP posts:

Original poster

Supercherry · 02/09/2010 11:23

It's almost as if he wants me to stop him seeing the children so he can go around bad mouthing me and at the same time not have to see his children.

He waxes lyrical about his love for them but when it comes down to it, he is opting to spend as little time with them as possible.

He has stopped paying maintenance too- I have been to the CSA but it's taking a while to sort out.

OP posts:

Original poster

Supercherry · 02/09/2010 11:26

And even if I get no replies apart from Snorbs- this venting is still helping me.

See? I am losing the plot aren't I?

OP posts:

jumpforjoy · 02/09/2010 11:41

You are not alone out there Supercherry.

My ExH has reduced seeing the children to once a month, from every other weekend, claiming he can't afford the petrol.

He has also booked a holiday to Australia to watch the Ashes over Christmas time. It is his turn to have the children at Christmas, but booked the holiday before checking it was ok for me to have the DC.

When i questioned him about this he said 'he has spoken to the children and they are ok about it'. I am bloody fuming still. Of course the kids are ok, what else are they going to say to him.

Men always seem to think their free time is more important than our's and we should be more flexible....LOL

Original poster

Supercherry · 02/09/2010 17:09

Thank you Jumpforjoy- I'm sorry you're having this kind of trouble too. I don't know about you but I find it really stresses me out. I am actually beginning to develop IBS symptoms.

XP clearly think he is the most important person in all this, only his feelings matter. I blame his bloody mother, she has spoilt him, waited on him hand and foot, told him the sun shines out of his hairy backside, he can do no wrong in her eyes. He is a baby in a man's body. His nan, who is in her 70's does his ironing for him for heaven's sake. His mum frequently pays his mortgage and other bills and buys him clothes because he can't budget for shit. He earns double what she does.

Sorry, still venting :)

OP posts:

ChaoticAngel · 02/09/2010 17:30

Pity these men don't come with 'loser' in neon signs over their heads so we could avoid them in the first place.

From your op you're doing the right thing. What I can't work out is why he can't have them and still go out . You say the original agreement was he dropped them off early Saturday morning and the new one he has them during the day every other sat. I'm presuming he drops them at yours tea time/early evening. So why can't he have them and then drop them off before going out.

Tanga · 02/09/2010 20:44

Step back and make him do the work. I'm usually a lot more pro-Dad than many posters but being flexible doesn't mean letting him mess the kids around, or making you ill!

Disengage.

Write a polite letter outlining the situation as you see it as calmly and unemotionally as possible. State clearly that what was agreed was in the DC's interests and that it is really important they have a routine and quality time with Dad.

Inform him that due to the difficulties that have arisen, you feel it is now appropriate to communicate by letter and that any further harassment will result in legal action. Add that you support quality contact and if he can stick to what has been agreed that will be fine, if not then mediation may be a way forward if he would like to arrange it, but that ad-hoc arrangements are not acceptable.

And keep a copy of the letter. And ignore the phone.

Original poster

Supercherry · 03/09/2010 07:48

Chaoticangel, my post was a bit garbled tbh, the saturdays included sat day and overnight- every other sat. About the neon loser sign- that would be really useful but looking back there were definitely warning signs- I was silly. I can't regret anything though because I have my little boys.

Tanga, thank you, I think you helped me with a letter before, if I remember correctly. I have already said as much in an email to him- not worded quite as calm and unemotional as your suggestion, but nothing that would embarrass me in court either .

What still baffles me is that one leaves a relationship to avoid all this aggravation but then that doesn't work either- he is still making my life harder than it need be. I bet most single mums have to deal with this don't they?

OP posts:

jumpforjoy · 03/09/2010 14:34

You hit the nail on the head. once the relationship ends, one assumes all the aggrevation will end. However, they still seem intent on causing havoc, just when we have our life in order.

Wishing you all the luck with your situation.

SolidGoldBrass · 14/09/2010 18:41

The thing is, men like this are doing this deliberately to wind you up. They think you deserve to be punished for realising they are knobbers and dumping them. Of course, the kids suffer the most because they are constantly being let down by their fathers... If you have an XP like this, formalize everything (forget mediation, men like this are abusive and mediation doesn;t work with abusers), have a back-up plan if you need childfree time and refuse all contact other than via email - if the men continue to pester you, press harassment charges against them.

Flip