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Original poster

omg maintenance stopped - what can I do?

53 replies

daffy3 · 31/08/2010 08:49

my ex has just stopped paying his monthly maintenance and I dont know how I will manage. one of our kids has recently gone to live with him and so he says that we are now "equal" when it comes to maintenance. that I should be paying him towards upkeep of the one with him and that he should be paying me for the other one with me and that therefore there's nothing to pay. What to do? this has affected my child benefit too as he now gets some for the child now living iwht him,....
luckily mortgage is v low (ex gave me his capital when we split) but I have to give that back whenc hilddren leave school. I dont know how I can do that when it is going to be just 2 or 3 years away now. Does anyone have any ideas?

OP posts:
peanutbear · 31/08/2010 08:54

I'm sorry but I think he is in the right its the same if you equally split child care

I think if he earns a large sum of money a year there is a clause in the childrens act you can claim on

Lougle · 31/08/2010 08:54

If there is a significant difference in your incomes, you could opt to both go through CSA, then your exDH would pay 15% of his income and you would pay 15% of yours.

Lougle · 31/08/2010 08:57

So if you are on income support, for example, you would pay £5 per week maintenance for your child that lives with your ex.

If your ex earns £350 per week, he would pay you maintenance of £45 per week for your child living with you.

So overall, the result would be that he pays £40 per week maintenance & you pay nothing.

Original poster
daffy3 · 31/08/2010 08:58

no we probably earn the same but he and new wife are loaded (she has some high flying job and fancy car and huge house!). I dont know how I can cope and the thought of giving that money back to him in two years makes me feel ill.... sorry, sounding a bit irrational....

our agreement was by court order - surely he cant just stop?

OP posts:
Original poster
daffy3 · 31/08/2010 09:01

so my income is going to drop by £300 a month just like that...

OP posts:
VictoriasLittleKnownSecret · 31/08/2010 09:07

daffy - how old is the court order?

If it's less than 12 months he has to abide by it

Original poster
daffy3 · 31/08/2010 09:08

court order is from 9 years ago....

OP posts:
VictoriasLittleKnownSecret · 31/08/2010 09:10

I understand your concerns. If you have a mortgage and outgoings you still need to pay them.

Original poster
daffy3 · 31/08/2010 09:12

but are you saying there is nothing I can do? It feels wrong - he is living in lap of luxury and so is one of our kids whilst I struggle on, and not only that, have to pay him back his share of my house in a ocuple of years. And I cant afford to do that without selling my home that I have lived in for all these years...

OP posts:
VictoriasLittleKnownSecret · 31/08/2010 09:13

x posted

In that case I'm sorry but he can go to the csa and ask for your wage to be assessed for CM for him and you can do the same

This means sudden financial insecurity for you and I'm sorry for your situation

It sounds as if you need to sell your house if you cannot afford to pay the mortgage. :(

VictoriasLittleKnownSecret · 31/08/2010 09:13

x posted again

VictoriasLittleKnownSecret · 31/08/2010 09:16

Child maintenance is just that - to maintain a child. If you have vastly different wages then the higher earner will still have to pay maintenance to the other parent.

I sound unsympathetic. I'm not...

I do understand how the child who has left has wounded you and is helping your ex put you in an untenable financial position

OnlyWantsOne · 31/08/2010 09:20

I would phone the CSA and ask them to carry out a fresh calculation on earnings and see what they say.

Good Luck

Original poster
daffy3 · 31/08/2010 09:26

I can afford the mortgage (it is hardly anything as ex gave me his capital when we split). what I cant afford is to pay it back in lump sum when the kid that leives with me leaves school in couple of years. then i will have to sell. it's come round quickly. for now though i will struggle to keep myself and other child whilst the one living with him seems to have briliant luxury lifestyle... it makes me sad. now i worry that the other kid will wnt to go and live there too....

OP posts:
Original poster
daffy3 · 31/08/2010 09:27

our wages not vastly differernt.

OP posts:
Lougle · 31/08/2010 09:34

Or you could remortgage to release capital. You knew this day was coming 9 years ago.

Original poster
daffy3 · 31/08/2010 09:36

and it seems unfair that the kids are now being treated so differently. one living with me as I struggle, and knowing we will hve to sell homein couple of years becuase of his dad, and the other living life of riley with his dad and stepmum, absolutely loaded. it seems wrong. they have so many foreign holidays whilst I can barely afford to take kids out for a day or two let alone on holiday.

OP posts:
Lougle · 31/08/2010 09:38

It's not because of his Dad. It's because his Dad gave you capital on the understanding that you would pay it back in 9 years, and you have made no provision towards that, so will have to sell the house to release it.

Original poster
daffy3 · 31/08/2010 10:03

i feel terrible as i never thought it would turn out like this. I met someone else and thought we would be togtgher but it didnt last. i never thought i would be the one on my own and now my situation is just terrible. i cant beear the thought of losing my home... and it has been tough to explain it to my kid that he is going to lose his home too...

OP posts:
ChocHobNob · 31/08/2010 10:24

The equity in the house is completely separate to the maintenance though. You knew the maintenance wouldn't last past the children becoming adults. The maintenance is for the children. He was paying you towards costs of the child ... now the child is living with him, he'll incur those costs instead, your costs should decrease and you will be expected to then contribute towards some of the costs of that child just like he did for all those years.

That is the problem with relying heavily on maintenance. It isn't guaranteed. Income could decrease or a job could be lost altogether ... or children could change residence.

The equity and capital issue Is completely separate though. You've known this was going to happen. The children are growing up.

DuelingFanjo · 31/08/2010 10:26

"he and new wife are loaded "

his wife's wage is irrelevant.

Original poster
daffy3 · 31/08/2010 11:21

but it does mean that the standard of living of one kid is much higher than the other. it will cause upset between them both. that cant be right, can it?

OP posts:
titchy · 31/08/2010 11:28

Inevitably when siblings live at different houses their lives will be different. Why has one of your children gone to stay with him? Shouldn't they be together?

Original poster
daffy3 · 31/08/2010 11:32

i have been through a very difficult time over the past couple of years and the younger one and I have had our differences - not something I am proud of as it got out of hand on a couple of occasions. it got so bad that I thought it would be better if he went ot live with his dad and then we wouldnt argue all the time. I didnt realise that this would affect my life so much and that of my other kid who has done nothing worng.

OP posts:
Earlybird · 31/08/2010 11:56

You need to start thinking about how you can increase your earning power. Open University degree? Retraining? How to get promoted at work? New business venture? You've got a few years to do it before your financial 'deadline'.

You need to actively figure out what will improve your life/standard of living. You cannot continue to rely on the financial support of your ex. Stop feeling envious about whatever he's got that you haven't - it isn't positive or productive. In fact, it is depressing and paralysing so change your focus.

Get busy and make a plan. Be pro-active (hate the word, but ykwim) so that you are more 'in charge' of your life, and so that you make a life for yourself that you can look forward to.