omg maintenance stopped - what can I do?

[daffy3]

my ex has just stopped paying his monthly maintenance and I dont know how I will manage. one of our kids has recently gone to live with him and so he says that we are now "equal" when it comes to maintenance. that I should be paying him towards upkeep of the one with him and that he should be paying me for the other one with me and that therefore there's nothing to pay. What to do? this has affected my child benefit too as he now gets some for the child now living iwht him,....
luckily mortgage is v low (ex gave me his capital when we split) but I have to give that back whenc hilddren leave school. I dont know how I can do that when it is going to be just 2 or 3 years away now. Does anyone have any ideas?

I know I'm jealous - I just cant get over the fact that I left him, thinking my new life was goign to be brilliant, then had my heart broken. at the same time he met and married so quickly - I just hadnt thought about that. I thought he'd always be there to help with the kids when I needed. And he's so happy with his new wife and new life whilst my life is so miserable and I can barely afford to go anywhere or do any5thing apart from to work, which I hate. kids come back form there saying what a wodneful time they've had, wonderful meals she's cooked them, wonderful holidays they are going on... it pains me every day. I know I should move on but I am finding it very difficult. I have struggled to bring those two up on my own with very little help from anyone and feel aggrieved that htis is how I am being repaid... I know I am not making much sense probably, but it does to me...

You sound more bothered that one of your children has a nicer life than you do about the fact they are not living with you.

It makes sense, but it isn't helpful to you, and it isn't going to change how things are. You need to take action now and work out waht you are going to do re the house and the decrease in your income. Good luck

If he was paying £300 a month in child maintenance, then that would surely mean he earned quite a bit. That is A LOT of child support. You say you earn similar to him. You have lost some income per month, but you have also lost some expenses per month too. Have you tried the moneysavingexpert website to look at budgetting?

so you left your husband in the first place, now you're jealous because he's managed to get his life back together and you haven't, you let your child go to live with him, but now you regret it because you get less money - sorry but you just need to face up the fact that youy caused both these changes so you will have to live with the consequences. Look forward as to what you can do, and don't waste any more time looking back, and being envious of what others have - it won't help you. you might want to check that your tax credits etc are correct now that you have a smaller income.

The OP doesn't have a lower income as the maintenance wouldn't be taken into account. Tax credits would decrease because the OP only has one qualifying child now, instead of 2. Just like the child benefit, tax credits would then be payable to the father for that child.

chochobnob, he paid that amount through a court order agreed at the time, not through csa or anything. so it was quite high as he was earning a fair bit more then. he is self employed and he's got much less work now so I know he earns less than before. suppose i should count myself lucky that he continued to pay it regardless. am hoping to increase my qualifications to get a better paid job but feel so drained i have barely got the energy to go to work, let alone study as well.
i will look at the budgetting info - i definitely need ot do that.

daffy, it does sound like your ex has moved on but you still haven't. That is tough.

I agree with chochobnob. You're suggesting that you were actually profiting out of the £300 he paid you, rather than it being a necessary expense of the childrens' upkeep.

You seem to be suggesting that you deserve more money because his wife is highly paid . Maybe she took the view in life that she would be financially independent, hence why she is enjoying the rewards now.

Incidentally, if you were to meet a highly paid man tomorrow, would you ask that he paid a portion of his salary to your ex for the upkeep of the DC that lives with him??

have you done some divorce recovery workshop/counselling? to get over the envy thing? and you sound a little depressed maybe ? maybe try getting on a wekend workshop....www.drw.org.uk/

it takes a leap - but we should be happy for our kids if they have a great time with the other parent...we would feel happy if they went to party with friends and had a great time wouldnt we?

Life isn't fair but ultimately you left him and you've let your child live with your ex without thinking it all through.

So it really is a case of lying in the bed you've made for yourself.

As hard as it seems, the thing to do is let the bitterness go. Yes you thought your life would be different. In your world you thought you'd be happy. The ex was not supposed to find happiness before you. But hey, the grass isn't greener.

Until you learn to let go, you will never move on.

well well, this is just the situation that my husband's ex wife is in (although interestingly, I got seriously flamed on here when I said that his ex wouldnt like it when the maintenance got renegotiated/stopped when one of the children came to live with us).

So your husband has paid you in full every month, based upon the original amount agreed, despite the fact that he now earns less than he used to? And he and his new wife take the kids on lovely holidays and have a great time? Do you realise that it is the new wife who must be paying for that? So she's been subbing his maintenance payments to you and she's been paying for holidays for the kids? You should be grateful that she cares so much!!

Also, by "lending" you his capital it means your ex and his wife presumably have a bigger mortgage on their home than they would otherwise have needed - because you have his collateral. Of course it is right that you return it when due, and if that happens to be sooner than you thought, too bad. You should have prepared yourself for this, it should come as no surprise....

"but it does mean that the standard of living of one kid is much higher than the other. it will cause upset between them both. that cant be right, can it?"

The child maintenance is to cover living expenses, luxuries don't really come in to it.

yes. you cant ask your exhusband and his new wife to change their lifestyle to be the same as yours, so that both children have the same experience...is that what you meant? Maybe you want them to give you more, so that you are more equal?

OP - you've had lots of good advice here and you need to pick yourself up and deal with this. Regarding the house - your ex was never expected to give you the house. He has waited for his share of the equity whilst your children needed a full time home. There's nothing unfair about that and you should try and see it as an opportunity to relaunch your life as well.

ladydeedy - totally agree.

DH and I are in a similar position in that ExW got all equity in the marital home and nearly £700/ mth for the 2 kids. He had nothing when we got together.

He has paid every penny under the court order even when unemployed for a short period (yes I funded that by working a very stressful job 14 hours a day - you would probably call it 'high flying').

Due to hard work (and a bit of luck) we now have a very nice lifestyle and a lovely home. ExW continues to make unreaasonable demands (like £40k towards an extension) and even when SS2 lived with us for 3 years never even offered a penny towards his keep though eldest SS was not eleigble for maintenance by then.

So OP - from the perspective of the second wife who has worked to pay towards the upkeep of DH's children and provide them with a home they feel comfortable to come and stay in with their Dad - wake up and smell the coffee - get off your backside and make a life for yourself. You agreed to the court order - and presumably had legal advice so live with it.

WkdSM - I am so pleased to know there is someone else in the same boat as me - sometimes I feel like I am some kind of pariah on here! Like your DH, mine had nothing (well, one bed and one television ) when we got together and yet somehow his ex believes she gets "nothing" despite the fact that his capital means she has teeny mortgage whilst we dont have the benefit of that. Nice to "meet" you!

ladydeedy - - Nice to meet you too!!

Mine had a stock pot (yes - that essential for the newly single man)and his clothes. She even kept his fishing gear - that her new DH used when she remarried a year later. I think she gave the pot to him so she could say he had a pot to p* in............ I still use it to make soups. Very nice soups.

We will probably get flamed for remarks but it will be fun burning with someone else for company.

Agree with both ladydeedy and WkdSM - can I join the club too?

My DH gave his ex girlfriend half the equity for their house, which was a hefty sum, but she spent it on clothes, shoes, a wedding and honeymoon, a car, bailing her new husband out of debt. Needless to say she split up with new husband and now complains that she has nothing and is so poor, and that their DD has such a poor quality of life (she doesn't, as they now live with another man in his flat).

Sorry to say it, but like the OP, she left my DH because she thought the grass was greener, and then when things didn't work out for her she was furious that he had moved on and we were "awful", just because DH had moved on.

I'm sorry OP but I find it difficult to have sympathy towards you.

welcome!! Yes, it would be good to have a space on here for second wives..!

You have 3 years to turn things around, it seems to me that you will have to sell the house but I guess that you will be in a position to get something albeit smaller with whatever comes out of it.

What I don't understand is why, having a similar salary to your ex and considering the maintenance he is paying I guess that you should be earning a net salary of 25-35,000 per year?

How come you didn't make any provisions to house yourself at the end of this Mesher Order?

As for the wife... the only way her earnings would come into the equation is if they had been living together at the end of the split, meaning that they have a bigger capital to house themselves and probably you may had that taken into consideration when deciding which % of the equity should be allocated to you. But after that, well... though luck.

OP - this statement worries me "and it has been tough to explain it to my kid that he is going to lose his home too..."

Why are you stressing out your DC with something that isn't going to happen for 2/3 years? That's a long time in the life of a young teen. It sounds very unfair of you and quite counter-productive as that DC might worry so much and think that they would be less of a financial burden if they went to live with their father.

Rather than catastrophising about the future and getting fixated on their lifestyle can you try to be proactive? Start looking at ways that you might be able to increase income so that you could buy the ex's part of the house? You might be able to get a mortgage on it all or he might agree to a private repayment plan between you. Or, if you are never going to be able to afford to buy this house, start thinking about smaller places you could move to that will be livable?

You never know what's going to happen in the future, try to focus on making your life happier now, jealousy over your ex's lifestyle is surely not going to make you happy at all?

You left your husband for what you thought would be something nicer, you wanted your youngest to move out.

Stop complaining and try to do something to change your own situation. I know it sounds harsh, but this is all your doing.

You have no right to be jealous that he moved on to what sounds like a lovely woman who wants your children to be happy in her house. For that, you should actually be grateful.

Would it help if you moved now and got a smaller apartemt to live in and thus reducing your bills and outgoings and got your ex paid off as well - even if it meant a larger mortgage now, btu for the fact that everthing is paid off and you then don't need to worry for the next 2-3 years

my ex went around telling everyone her had given me the house and had left the capital in the house - what he didn't tell everyone is that there was virtually no captial in the hosue as we had moved in 4 months before and I was left paying a very large mortgage and had to have a lodger in and try to scrimp as went on maternity leave. We had 7% in the house - now I had asked if we could sort it out and I would borrow the money which would have been a very small amount to pay him 50% of 7%, from family and give him - he said no as I was pg and the amount was so small it would be really unfair.

Now I understand that there is two sides to a story.

I think there are a lot of second wifes that are supporting the first wife and in soemways you are admirable.

Get on with your life OP and make the most of it, as people have siad things didn't work out the way you thoguht but you did instigate this and often the instigater ends up feeling like the victim when they are not -they see the spouse who they think will crumble get up dust themselves off and get on witha happy life.

Stop thinking about them and concentrate all your efforts into yourself and your dc.
make a budget and look at moving now rather than later.

How much of a % of the house will you have to pay back when you sell or the time is up?

Can I join the second wives club too? Same situation, ex left dh, dh took nothing, just his clothes. Paid mortgage in full for 2 years, then half, then nothing and signed house over to her with about 8 yrs to run.

Met me, we had very good standard of living for 2 yrs and carried on paying higher than csa amount during that time. We got married, had dd and DH became SAHD. I continued to work and pay maint at same level.

Last year, fed up with being slagged off over money we changed the maint. Half now goes to ex and half direct to DSD.

Due to my job we have no money worries, and I had a conversation with DSD about CTF/CB and told her that it was sent straight to DD's account ready for her uni etc. DSD commented on how she wouldn't have that much (she knows I put £50 a month into NS&I for her) and I said hopefully her mum was doing something similar.

All hell has now broken loose with ex demanding that DSD and DD get the same amount. Well, no, as much as I love her, DSD isn't mine, and she has her own mother (who is working on a good wage) to contribute. And it's not like she's getting nothing FGS. Just not 18 yrs worth of contributions

Dh is being made to feel guilty, ex is telling anyone who will listen that we are screwing DSD over and even MIL, who I get on really well with, is saying that maybe she should give DSD the extra.

All the while Ex is taking no responsibility and making no attempt to help her own daughter. She has even branded me a homewrecker, but I didn't meet DH until 2 yrs after the split!

She is jealous that DH and I are doing Ok, whilst her own relationships (3) have all failed.

Sorry, there was a point - OP are you related to