I want to come back to the UK

[abitlostandconfused]

But can't seem to put my reasons into words to explain to a husband that is happy here (Australia).

I am just not settled.

We're here on temp visas until October 2011 when we can apply for PR but the thought of staying beyond then fills me with dread.

I feel that if I pressurise him into coming back to the UK it will finish my marriage but at the moment I just can't find the words to explain why I don't want to stay. He asks me too and then just says I need to make more friends here! Christmas was bloody horrendous. We were with his family (they are amazing) but it was their Christmas and not ours. DSs 2nd birthday is probably going to be the same. If it was the UK our garden would be full of family, loads of friends and a bouncy castle. It just doesn't happen that way here.

The pull of family and friends is just too strong.

I am going back for a visit in September.

See what I mean? I just can't explain why this doesn't feel right to me.

Has anyone felt like this before?

What did you do?

Sigh...

I so want to go back to the Uk.

I'm just so fed up being here without any proper friends. I miss my family although it seems they have all forgotten about me..

I feel so sorry for myself and can't shake off feeling so lifeless.

I can't get a job here because I don't speak Spanish (fluently). I can't understand anything that's going on and this is after two years..My kids are missing out with having English speaking friends..friends in a second language must be different..I think

Gosh I am so powerless here..reliant on other people.

Husband doesn't really understand - he's not the one at home all day, cleaning, cooking and looking after the children.

Hope to wake up back in England with the sun streaming through the curtains..I'll be so happy.

I've been away from the UK for 10 years and keep thinking I've got a handle on it till I read threads like this one... whenever I get fed up and homesick I just think of a true story I once read about a British diplomat and his wife and small children who were posted to Outer Mongolia in the nineteenth century and literally saw nobody, not a soul, ever. They were there for years. In the middle of a Mongolian plain. It makes my little Italian village seem a lot more interesting.

Chin up everyone. You will get home eventually!!

FIRSTLY, let me make it clear I am NOT a needy person, I truly don't need many friends nor need to go out much etc etc. My experience (see below) has left me very independent and self sufficient...oh but not bitter!

When we were first posted to Scandinavia many moons ago with brand new DC1 I would just sit down and weep most days...partly hormonal but hugely to do with loneliness. NO-ONE took me under their wing, invited me round despite our efforts inviting neighbours in for tea, wine etc. Miracle happened one day out shopping when I bumped into another British lady with her first DC. she was a life saver, as i was to her I think and whilst I hated being there I survived it and feel stronger now but would never wish my feelings of utter emptiness and loneliness on my worst enemy!!

Everyone says you meet others when you have kids..I DIDN'T!!! Maybe it was our town or the country.

After 12 years being out of the UK apart from one short stint back 10 years ago, it looks like we are here to stay in the USA. DH has great job and DCs school is amazing and can't possibly move them again. Big house, cleaner, no money worrries....yet I imagine moving back to the uk, buying small cottage by the sea and living less extravagant life and less complicated life. Life in the USA becomes very materialistic.....As for me, well, I'm on another post also trying to figure out if I should have another DC, having had my last DC 10 years ago. Feeling very confused as not sure if this is to do with me feeling so in limbo about life and the future....I say limbo I know we have no plans on moving. Am I making sense? I do know I feel very confused at the moment .

I didn't have this kind of forum years ago. Let's just continue to share our thoughts and see if we can all help each other get through the hard days. A good moan is much cheaper than a therapist (not been to one but I should know living here in the US)

PS

I know if my sister in England read my posts she would say "the grass is always greener......." Doesn't help.

Hello gotmunchies - your sister IS right in lots of ways. I have friends at home that are envious of us moving overseas as they complain of life becoming monotonous etc... Trouble is it's hard to imagine how isolated and lonely you can feel in a new and strange environment.

Today am feeling quite resentful towards DH (his job is why we moved). I feel it is me bearing the brunt of all the difficulties (I have left all my friends and support network). Am sure it is not doing our marriage any good...

Dearest redflipflops

Been there. Love my DH but haveoftensorry, occasionally wanted to run away (maybe running away from 'life' not just him). Come to my senses, that would be madness. I do constantly day dream, I write scripts in my head about being back in the countryside in England and all is simple in life. The kids bring me back to reality, just me, have always been a day dreamer.

The expat/immigrant life has many pros, mostly which make up for the cons....I'm trying to convince myself here.

My expat friends moved back to England because they missed it so much only to find they had changed, England had changed and they are bored and restless.

Oh, and the DW always bears the brunt of all the difficulties, finding new dr, dentist, shopping, friends, starting over is bloody hard work.

Hang in there, marriage is hard at the best of times, everything is magnified away from home, family and friends and when you are feeling vunerable and somewhat worn down by life.

Come back and chat, plenty of us on MN who will lend a sympathetic ear, It's a good indulgence to let off steam here.

Yet another homesick expat here Been in Oz 2.5yrs & it's great in so many ways but crep in others. After so long I am worried that I won't like being in the UK when we go back. We are going back as I don't think I can stand the guilt of having another child grow up here away from family. A bit of support wouldn't go amiss either, even if it's just being able to pick up the phone at a convenient point in the day for a quick word rather than having to wait for the time zones to coincide.
As a SAHM I've had to be very self-resourceful to avoid going insane with boredom & loneliness. Each weekday I do something with DS in the morning, like playgroup, mothers group, etc & then at the weekends we go exploring the area even if it is just going to a different playground we've not been to before. I haven't made friends here but only know people through the groups I go to & don't see them outside of that as they're all too busy with work & then their family activities at the weekends & hols, which is hard to hear about when we do chat at the group as I've got no equivalent stories.
Another expat commented to me that here in Ozzie suburbia it seems that cos they've all got their friends & families in place they're not interested in new folks which rings true. No-one at my mothers grp I've been with for 2 yrs since the bubs were born has ever asked me about the UK, what work I used to do, etc nor offered any support even tho they obviously know we're out here with no family. I can only conclude that it looks like everything is great on the outside.
We will def go back to UK but I'm in knots trying to work out if we should have second bub here as the medical care is good, benefits good, etc & time is getting on as the big 40 is not far away.

Message withdrawn

"Another expat commented to me that here in Ozzie suburbia it seems that cos they've all got their friends & families in place they're not interested in new folks which rings true"

I think that is often true- expats often get blame for not assimilating, but you have to find people who want to assimilate you!

Shamefully I admit that nearly all our friends here are other expats- actually make that all of them. Part of that is language driven, part cultural, and part just the fact that expats are always in the market for new friends; local people already have their friends and their families here.

The good thing is that expats in Asia, however long they've been here, are very welcoming. Everyone remembers what it was like to be new.

I think one of the toughest expat assignments is London for non-British people. I know a lot of people who have just hated it because of the difficulty of meeting new people/ breaking into established groups- not so much in terms of girlfriends, but in terms of making couple friends- people to go out with at the weekend for drinks/dinner etc.

Bloss- I think you're right. Work fills your days, gives you purpose and gives you a bit of a social life.

I didnt really settle in Dubai as we arrived right in the middle of the meltdown and I couldnt get a job. All the women I was meeting in my "jumeriah Jane" existence were either a lot older or had children and were pretty busy so I spent a lot of time alone. I did a lot of yoga that year. A lot. . That said I tried to make the most if it, and did some online courses which I really enjoyed. It was quite lonely though.

When we moved to HK I got pregnant almost immediately and I havent had the same issue with not working because there are a lot of women my age in similar positions so we get together and do stuff in the day. However, that's a freak situation because there are a lot of tai tais floating around due to the fact that for many jobs you have to speak Cantonese fluently- many women who come here as trailing spouses for 1/2 years just take some time off.

Would like to send out vibes for all those who are aching for home. I understand it very much and am returning after eleven years next year -- without dh, who will follow later.

For those who are newly off the plane (as those who've been abroad for a while will know this) I would say, having even just one woman friend in your town, who you can vent to and be yourself with can really ease the pain.

It is easier if you are with expats rather than locals. As Bride says, everyone remembers how ghastly it once was. It must be very tough to be trying to integrate into local communities where there is no interest.

hugs, and the smell of fresh mown green grass, to all

TheBride, I did a lot of yoga until I started working here. Unfortunately (if you don't have DCs) here is a very 'family' posting. Women don't work, there's lots of child-centred stuff, you spend your time at the beach or going round to other people's houses for coffee...

We're TTC anyway but it makes me wonder if we're doing it for the wrong reasons! Unless I get pregnant soon we're going to moving back with a newborn.

backtotalkaboutthis
Ohhhh, the "smell of fresh mown grass"....has brought tears to my eyes.....

Just getting up, well actually been up for good hour here in S. California, still in PJs and enjoying cup of tea but have run out of PG Tips so these are teabags I bought in Vons/Safeway and it's not the same so am not in good mood....anyway am about to make my calls back 'home' 7.30am PDT ...3.30pmGMT I think my mum may indeed be out mowing the grass today so will call brother first!

TheMystic ....Filling the gap...constantly thinking about whether TTC DC3...think it's the loneliness but would this be so wrong? We are here to stay until older DCs finish school....8 more years!

Hope you are all having a good day not a bad day today...

Mystic, can't you set up in business on your own, or work from home? I was absolutely at the employment market here and becoming self-employed was the best thing I could have done. I'm also thinking of DC3 but for me it's not about filling a gap, I know I would have wanted a fairly large family even if I'd stayed in the UK.

Interested to know what all of you think is actually better about the UK (i.e. things you just can't accept about your new country), and what's just "different" (i.e. things you can live with eventually). After a decade abroad, for me it just comes down to opportunities (i.e. you have more options in England) and Brits are far less blinkered generally. Many Italians tend to think English people are cold and unfriendly but that's sooo not true, IME.

Endangered, you are in Italy, right? I am italian An italian homesick for Britain, can you believe it? But it really was home for me after 10 years.

I think at the moment i am in a state of shock really. can't think of any business ideas, or anything constructive to do with my life. I have been thinking about getting counseling or something, because i don't see myself getting better by myself- what a hard thing to admit.

ps come and join us on Little Italy!

Been in Italy 15 and a half years and it still isn't home. I think because of all the connotations of what home really is for all of us....home is more than where you are born and grew up, it's knowing how the fecking banks work, what you need to do to enrol your child in school, how your maternity care will be organised, why the fecking in-laws have so much say in your life etc etc ad infinitum.....It's just like you're having to learn stuff all the time, just to survive on a day to day basis.....

Mystic- must come back to LI, been having a break.....

Actually I've met several Italians who seem to prefer life in England, you're not the only one. Just a bummer that I'm not married to one of them . MM I'd definitely suggest having number three, it might get the creative juices flowing. I spent about a year on automatic pilot doing very little apart from playing Age of Mythology on the computer then I got pg and had the idea to become self-employed all in the same month.

Ciao Buch, I havebeen away from LI, too low, have nothing to say really about RL.

I can mostly be found living a parallel life on the twilight thread (where we regularly get called all sorts of names ). Basically Twilight fanfiction is my Age of Mythology

I like the idea of nr 3 as a creative device!! Will raise the idea with dh.

Wherabouts are you, if you dont mind me asking, Endangered?

not far from Ancona.

Haven't really got into Little Italy yet, as spent most of last year trying to embrace my inner Italian and develop ties with "native" Italians as a way of feeling more reconciled to where I am living, and am struggling with the bilingual child-rearing thing at the mo.

I guess I just want to forget about being an Englishwoman abroad and just get on with being me.

To all those in Australia and Far East, sorry for mini-hijack!!

gotmunchies - thanks for understanding .... am feeling a bit happier today! I've started a new thread for http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/living_overseas/971063-Living-in-America-summer-2010 living in America please come and join me

Interesting so many posters talking about TTC DC 3 - part of what I have found hard in the last year is having a third baby with no support from friends (family never close enough to help). I feel more trapped at home with 3 kids as harder to get out and do stuff.

try that link again...

living in America

It's always nice to find some kindred spirits on MN!
We live in St Lucia and of course I am never allowed to complain about life here because I live in paradise, right?
Wrong. It's too bloody hot, there's almost nothing to do with the dc's (including no playgroups, playparks etc), dd1 doesn't even like the sea or beach and there is no work for me.
I don't hate it and have made a few good friends but when the choice came up to stay another year or go home early to get dd1 into her school of choice, we decided to cut our losses and get out of here.
Everyone back home thinks we're mad. But it's me who is going mad, living on a tiny island.....

I wasn´t going to open this thread BUT its good (maybe not the right word) to see there are many others out there that are homesick. I should consider myself lucky that I am in Europe meaning its much easier for me to go back and visit.

It pains me that after almost 4 years living here I still feel this way I speak the language, was familiar with the country etc, etc...Other foreigners seem to manage it, what´s wrong with me??

For me an already bad move has been made even worse by the fact that I had the ridiculous notion that by moving out of the city to a smaller place it would be easier to integrate and having a garden would be much better for the DCs - doh, how wrong was I? Here nobody needs to make new friends simple as that, they are surrounded by long-term friends and family. And having a garden where you sit by yourself with everything going around in your head isn´t particularly pleasant or healthy

On especially bad days I am consumed by all the "what ifs" and "if onlys" and I know I am in grave danger of driving myself insane. The worse thing is how much I worry that my negativity is/will rub off on Dcs - argh

bebespain - I remember you from the other thread.
How long are you likely to have to stay where you are? Is there any prospect of being able to move - either back to the UK, to somewhere else in Spain or to another country? You have given it a good shot, four years is a long time to be unhappy and in my opinion it isn't likely to suddenly get better.
I know what you mean about people not needing new friends. It does make it really, really hard. This is why, despite everyone telling you the best way to intergrate is to make local friends, most people join up with other expats. In my experience, those that integrate already have some way "in" like they are married to a local.