Homesick but no option to move back

[ThatLoudCat]

I've recently moved to my DHs country and I feel so homesick already. It's early days still but I just don't like it here. I really doubt that I will learn to enjoy living here, but I'm feeling trapped.

We first met and lived in a third country, much closer to home and more similar in culture. The visas we had to live there were also dependant on my DHs job so we can't move back there.

We have two very young children and I obviously still love my DH very much. I don't have the qualifications to get a job that earns enough for me to support my DH on a spousal visa. His job is tied to his home country and he wouldn't be able to find something similar in the UK. He wouldn't be keen on moving to the UK anyway.

I don't know what to do. I'm feeling so depressed.

Do you have any friends yet? Do you know anyone at all? If not, try to see if that makes you feel better day-to-day. Expats might be good as they know what you are going through (if there are lots of expats where you are)

Do you speak the local language?

No, no friends yet. Not for lack of trying, but I just can't seem to make connections. I'm feeling very isolated. I spend all day in the house with the babies because it's too hot to walk anywhere, and my husband needs the car for work so I can't drive anywhere.

No expat community that I've found.

Yes, language isn't a problem.

OP, if there’s a British Council, often there will be notifications of groups to join. If you have young children, see what toddler groups there are - maybe look on Facebook or similar to see what there is locally. You don’t like this country because you don’t have friends: once you get into a bit of a social group, things will change for the better, I assure you.

It’s really positive that you speak the language!

Based on your OP, it seems you have no choice but to stay there unless you want to break up the family which you don’t.

So you can either make a plan to start integrating more, or remain depressed and homesick for ever.

make a plan, what activities can you day on weekdays? Weekends? Can you start a course? Can you look for part time work? Hopefully your DH is a nice man and can help with ideas and support.

I don't think it's that honestly. I haven't really had many friends my whole life.

I don't like it here because it's too hot to leave the house, the water tastes disgusting, there's so much poverty and homelessness, food is so expensive, and we just can't afford to do anything. Our house has already been broken into once and that scared me too.

I've looked for toddler groups but they are all during the week when my DH has the car. We can't afford to buy another car yet because our savings have been wiped out with moving here.

Why did you agree to move there? Sounds like you would have been better off staying in the third country. Regardless, if you know going to the UK is not an option because you can’t afford to sponsor your DH then you’ll have to find a way to make the best of it, or can you move to a different third country? Can you put the kids in nursery and get a job where you are now?

It was not an option to stay in the third country either. My DHs contract was up there.

I did not know how I would dislike it here so much. We have to live where my DHs job tells us so it's nothing like where my DH is actually from. He has been surprised by a lot of things here too.

There's a possibility we'll be sent abroad again, but nothing certain and not for a few years. I'm hoping for that.

I would like to work but our baby is only 3 months old. When he is older and I have a car, then that will be a good option for me.

If you can speak and write the language then you could look at education/training opportunities or attend groups for things that interest you.

Unfortunately, I cannot. We have an (almost) two year old and a 3 month old, no money, no car, and no childcare.

All things that will be solved eventually. I just don't know how I'm going to get through the next year.

Thank you for replying. I don't like shooting down suggestions. There's just no solution and I need to get on with it.

Are there no evening classes, groups or clubs that you could go to when your DH is at home?

Post on facebook for expats and also, how about language exchange or help for people wishing to learn English. Where in the world are you- Continent if not country.

It sounds like you are going to remain stuck if you don’t have transport to get out and about. I know it is hard with little ones but is there an option to drop/pick up your husband from work so you have the car in the day? Even if it was just 1-2 days a week so you could find a group to go to with the kids. Obviously if he needs to car to do his job that won’t work but it seems like getting you transport is your gateway to meeting people.

Look at some practical steps. Can you take DH to work and then have the car for the day? Can he get a lift at least one way with a colleague? What are local taxi costs for a round trip to playgroup? Are there church playgroup round with someone who could give you a lift?
If your DH had a diplomatic style role where you get little say over location, you'll have to find a way to cope with the lifestyle.

None of those are options unfortunately. It's just going to suck until I can drive here.

I am used to the lifestyle. It's just this particular location that I am struggling with.

Online courses?