Is it possible to ever overcome homesickness?

[naturelover]

DH and I are from different countries. We currently live in my country but he'd like us to move to his country. It's been 10 years since he left his home and he's terribly homesick. I've also lived overseas and got very homesick. I'm starting to despair that we can both be happy in the same place!

Anyone care to share their experiences and reassure me?

From a cultural and lifestyle point of view the countries are very different, but language is not an issue.

The distance is such that the one abroad will only see their family once a year. With our parents ageing fast this is heartbreaking. Also we now have a baby, so one set of grandparents will inevitably be much less involved too.

ummm ... it seems very bleak now doesn't it? But imagine how happy your dh will be, and you will probably find that your family will come and visit you often, very often.

Do you feel the standard of living with be better in dh's country? Is it a better place to bring up children? That was a clincher for me.

Also, did you not think that this would be on the cards at some point down the track seeing as you are married to a man from a different country? Thinking of it as dh's "turn" to live in his country really helped me get things in to perspective.

Thanks Suzy.

Yes I suppose deep down I knew one day we'd have to move there as it's only fair.

Do you mind me asking if you are permanently settled in your DH's country, or if you plan to alternate spells in each country?

The advantages of his country are better climate, higher standard of living, better healthcare and education (both would be private though).

Downsides are potential political instability, high crime rates, precarious economy. We would rent out our UK house as an insurance/investment in case we had to come back.

no, we are here for good. At least until the kids move back to London to live in a Squat in Earl's Court for a few years, during which time we will live in a loft apartment in Manhattan and spend their inheritance.

We didn't own any property in the UK so it was never an issue

You are being awfully tantalising with your clues, I can't guess where your dh's country is.

DH is from Johannesburg.
We are currently in UK.

Hi naturelover

Not sure I can reassure you but your thread caught my eye and I wanted to share my experience

DH is Spanish and we lived together in England for 10 years. It was always on the cards we may end up moving to Spain, especially as I did my degree in Spanish and therefore had a connection to the country

In 2006 DH got a job back in Spain and we moved out, I was pregnant at the time so there was a lot going on. In our case we found that in 10 years life in Spain had changed quite a lot and even DH struggled at the beginning as the work culture is totally different here, he almost felt like a foreigner in his own country after 10 years away.

Almost 2 years on and I am struggling to live here. I am terribly homesick although some days are better than others, however I doubt I´ll ever overcome it... In my case having a baby has changed my priorities completely and not having friends and family nearby is a massive loss. And yes I know England is a 2 hour flight away but you know that I find is no consolation

I don´t know how often you DH has been back home in the last 10 years but he maybe homesick for a country that is no longer familar to him ifyswim...

HTH and good luck in your decision, its a big one

good point there bebespain, I bet JB has changed dramatically in 10 years. Really worth thinking about.

Why not make a compromise and come to Perth, WA
AKA as Little South Africa, nearly as many SA people as Poms here.

Hi Naturelover
DH and I are same nationality, left that country for England many yrs ago, now live in USA as expats (ie temporary). I would have to say that I have not lost the homesickness completely, and now I can be homesick for either of the other 2 coutries... BUT, it all depends on your attitude, without a doubt. If you think about it, you could probably make it work just about anywhere that you truly want to. As you point out though, the worst by far, is your DC'n not knowing their grandparents, cousins etc. And you will inevitably miss your parents' support.

Agree with bebespain and suzy, may be well worth going to JHB to get a feel for things before you make a final decision.

The SA decision is such a complex one though isn't it? You have obviously considered the crime factor, can you live with it? It is quite a price to pay for good quality of life. But you already know that. Sorry for such a long post!

Hi Naturelover

I am from the UK, now living in Australia with Aussie husband. We moved here from the UK 2 years ago. The homesickness does get a bit better, I feel like I have settled in and have made some good friends and I have 2 dds who would have a better life higher standard of living here than if we were in the UK and most importantly my dh is deleriously happy to be here, whereas he was pretty severely depressed in our last couple of years in the UK. HOWEVER, although the homesickness is a bit better than it was, I still have the most enormous sense of grief and guilt about being here. Grief about missing my friends and my dear, dear mum and dad, and such guilt about taking their grandaughters away from them. It is actually pretty hard and I can't see it getting much easier.

It's such a difficult situation that you are in, I do feel for you. Perhaps you could try SA for a limited amount of time - I would say a minimum of 2 years as it will take that long to put down roots - and then reasses at the end of that time.

Good luck, it's very hard.

Oh yes, CF, you were a right old whinger when you lived in Germany weren't you?

No Offence

I think we will probably go for 1-2 years' "trial run" before making any permanent decision. It's a while before schooling is an issue (DD still a baby).

Do I like JHB? Not really. It scares and daunts me. But I can totally see the appeal in terms of nice house/sunshine/space.

Califrau, we are already adept with Skype, it really does help doesn't it?

Thanks for sharing your experiences everyone.

I'm from the US and have been living in the UK for about 9 years...at times I still get really homesick, it helps with visiting my parents twice a year, but that is going to drop down to once a year now that DS will be starting school in Sept. We visited California a few weeks ago, (my parents are in Idho but we lived in Northern Cali before then).. I visited with some friens and dragged DH and DS to all my fav places, and a few of DH's. I didn't relize quite how much I missed it in Cali, traffic is still hell but its still as beautiful as it ever was.

I'm ok most of the time but sometimes get really homesick for being in the states. I felt really bad when we got back here this time and it seemed to take ages to get back into the particularly British misery while shopping. it dosent help that my parents wont visit us here, and my best friend in the states is pretty much flat broke, so no vist there then... perhaps the grass is always greener...

the intenet helps some.. I have a blog and my dad reads it and my friends,so they know what i'm up to, mostly jewellery, painting, and baking cakes.. my mom is a complete technaphobe though and wont go near the computer.

how does Skype work? I'm totally not technically minded thought, please explain it in a way a total idiot could follow someone!

Naturelover it is a tough one. I can understand him wanting to be back in South Africa but the negatives you list are big ones aren't they? Lots of families are deciding to leave SA these days for exactly those reasons.

I think the idea of somewhere inbetween is a good one. Wonder if that is viable for you all? I haveto say that I am not so much homesick in Germany as that I have what they call Fernweh. Like Cali says I just don't fit in here, although other foreigners definitely seem to love it here. If your dh is unhappy in the UK, I think he will remain unhappy there and if SA is too dodgy an option, is there somewhere else?

SSSandy2 we've already lived in two foreign countries, as well as my country. We have not yet found a place where we both feel happy. Our home countries are so different that it's hard to find a place that ticks all the boxes for us both. He likes sunshine, open spaces, the great outdoors. I like them too but I also value history, culture, vibrant city life (the type where you can walk down the street, not drive along with the car doors locked looking out for hijackers).

The crime does worry me.

I think we need to give SA a go so that we can at least try it out and stop wondering "what if".

In the 10 years since we met you'd think we'd have figured it out, eh?

well when you find that place, let me know will you?!

We have ahd thsi problem, teh best thing for us was to BOTH move to a third country, where we both were foreign and ahd to make an effort to make new friends.

These years (8 in total) in a new country to both of us have been the best.

I have been in Germany for over 15 years and (unlike Califrau!) I love it here.

I would say that the first year or so I got homesick, but once I started building up a group of friends that got less.

Funnily enough, for a long time I was completely integrated in life here and rarely spoke English (aside from phone calls back home) but now I am more Expat-y. We now have British TV and I have British friends here.

We would move to UK in a minute, but DH has little chance of getting a job that pays as much as he can earn here.

I agree with Cali, the advent of webcams, Skype etc has made it a lot easier.

My DCs are very close to my parents, closer in fact than to their German GPs, even thought they have never lived in the same country.

naturelover, did you ever move to Joburg or did your DH overcome his homesickness?

I'm in exactly the same situation and we've made the decision to go. So I wondered, if you've already made the move, how it was going?

We'll be moving to Johannesburg.

Many thanks,

meid