Haunted by Australia

[KateShine]

I am haunted by my time living in Australia in my 20s. I returned back to the UK after 4 years living in North Queensland. I had made a life for myself there, everything felt easy and I made some incredible friends, something I didn’t have back in the UK. I returned after people started moving away and settling down and I felt lonely and in need of returning to my home country. I found it immensely hard and still do living back in the UK. I’ve never felt at home here even before Australia. Mainly due to school bullying and lack of friends and sense of belonging.

fast forward 10 years and I have three beautiful preschool children and a fantastic partner. My partner and children have Australian passports. However my partner has never wanted to live there permanently.

I try to bury the constant nagging within my to desperately want to move there with my family but it comes back with a vengeance constantly. I just want to forget my time there and enjoy life here and while I’m trying my best to I find it so hard.

the rational side of me wants to just enjoy life in the UK and just be happy that my children will have the opportunity to live there when they are adults and that we can in the meantime enjoy the freedom of entering AU for holidays etc. but every day I think about Australia, the wonderful easy going approach to life, the blazing sun, and the fun and adventures that are had there.

anyone else share similar feelings ?

OP are you sure it isn’t your 20’s that you’re hankering after? Lots of people look back on that period with rose tinted glasses. Also depending on how old you are I imagine it’s a good few years since you were last in Aus. Are you sure it would be how you remembered it?

I hear you I lived in Sydney in my 20s and absolutely loved my time there. This was over 30 years ago

Came back to UK and now have three children in their 20s and still hanker over Australia but I now realise it was also my age then that I miss !
Am in Vancouver with my 2 sons at the moment and one son is then going off to Oz from here next week!
Hope he loves it as much as I did butdoes come home to uK or Vancouver . ..not so far from UK!

I agree its the age not the place. I did a six month placement in France that was amazing. Friends on tap in the accommodation, could walk into the local bar at night and there was people there pleased to see me and have a drink. But it was being 25 with no responsibilities and being able to take friendships at face value(often shallow) that made this great. No expectations about life long friendships, just fun in the moment.

you're absolutely right , I miss and want to be 24 again!!! I hadn’t even thought about it in this way before. The things I did and loved back then are simply things I couldn’t do now even if I were to return. That being said there were other huge things I adored about it which were not necessarily to do with my age but more about how easy life felt there re. Work opportunities, salaries, being around nature and sunshine. I guess this isn’t just Australia that has this though. I would love to move to Canada too! The older me and the Mum me however would be too scared to and I’d never want to unsettle my children once they start school just to scratch the constant itch to move away

Weedourish - can I ask did you emigrate to Canada ? And was that when you were older and with kids or before you had kids ? Xx

Hmm, I don't know that it necessarily is the age that you miss, life does look different depending on where you live. Sure you still have to make money, look after kids etc but if you can do that in a place that makes you happy then that's much nicer and I think you then make the most of it.

I lived abroad from 22 to 44 and moved back to my home city in Scandinavia from the UK when I got divorced. I had been longing for years to move back because my absolute best years of my life was when I was last living here in my early 20s. A lot of people warned me that it won't be like it was when I was care/child free in my 20s and going out all the time and that I will fall into the same lull here as I had in the UK. Well they were wrong. Sure it isn't exactly the same, I'm not stumbling out of clubs at 5am with some guy I have just met, but since my kids are grown now I am going out most weekends or have friends over. I have more friends than I have had collectively in the last 20 years and life now is a more grownup version of what I had in my 20s but still just as much fun. I can't see myself ever getting bored with this life.

If your Dh said he can't see himself living there permanently, maybe just suggest you go out there for a few years or so. It's better to have 5 years of being happy and trying it than to never have done it and not knowing if you'd like it as much as you think. It's great for kids too to experience different cultures and see how life is elsewhere. My kids grew up between 4 different countries and it hasn't damaged them at all. If anything it has made them more versitile and open.

Are you sure it would even be the same place if you moved back there now? I miss the UK from 10 years ago - everything seems so rushed now, people are ruder, infrastructures are overwhelmed and the housing/job markets are dire. I feel like a lot of these issues are being seen across the globe so Australia might have it's fair share of issues now that you didn't see 10 years ago.

Blazing sun = skin cancer.

What a helpful remark 😒

I’m trying to point out the downsides to make her feel better.

I hankered after similar as I lived overseas for a long time too.

I realised I was desperate for the carefree life I had without responsibility burning across the countryside without the roof on the car etc, and the sun and fun and adventure. But realistically three children in the blazing heat is not going to be an adventure. You will have the same issues there as you have here.

It won't be the same place that you remember, because everything will have changed in Australia in the meantime. You have probably romanticised so much of it now, it is barely recognisable even if hadn't changed.

I went back to my special place, and noticed all of the things that were wrong with it that I didn't notice as a young person. The unemployment levels, the small town - racist mentality. The boring architecture and lack of culture. The basic schools and the lack of good healthcare without paying a fortune. It was looking run down in places. It was nothing like the mystical place in my memories.

I live in QLD OP, it's winter and I've just come to bed and a massive cockroach just ran across my bathroom floor, and it's now somewhere in my bedroom. We don't live rurally and bug bomb the house frequently. Are you sure you miss it ......
Also QLD houses are bloody freezing in winter.

Did you marry an Australian man, op? You mention both he and all your children have Australian passports.
How long has he been living in the UK, and does he want to stay?

I lived in oz and moved back to uk with an infant. I realised I made a terrible mistake and came back to oz a few years later.
I remember laying in bed in the uk in my tiny freezing flat wondering how the hell I couldn’t afford to feed myself properly while working full time and trying to put my daughter through nursery.
here I own my own home, travel often and have a much better quality of life. I work in an extremely similar role but am paid for more generously. Our weekends are spent in nature. Every country has its problems but it just feels that bit more hopeful here all my uk family seem utterly miserable, cold and complain that the country is going to the dogs.
if your heart wants it, you have to do what you can to follow it.

Could you do five years out there as a compromise, and then come to a mutual decision?

I remember my aunt and uncle going in the £10 POM days, they didn't settle although they gave it a reasonable amount of time, 2 or 3 years I think. So they came home and couldn't settle and eventually went back. Stayed longer but eventually gave up and came home. I think it can be tough uprooting yourself and maybe the roots never fully recover for some people and as someone else said maybe it is your 20s you want back. I want my 20s back.

Hi thanks for everyone’s replies. My memories are from living in an unbelievably fun town (airlie b) and so obviously being there in my 20s was a dream. The reality is that I could never return to that town even if I were to return to Australia as my partner (who is British but has Australian citizenship) works in the corporate world and so would never get a job there unless fully remote. It was a huge party drinking town and I would never want my children raised in that. It was often quite seedy too and also extremely small where absolutely everyone knew your business. That being said I loved other parts of Australia too but Sydney or Melbourne would really only be the places we could live where my partner could work in his field and we could still have the nature and beauty that I’d love my children to be raised in. However both Sydney and Melbourne are hours and hours away from my friends in Queensland and would be likened to me getting a plane From the UK to see friends in Europe!

I also am not naive to the fact Sydney houses cost more than London..

While I appreciate that some have said that their children have been raised in different countries during their childhood and it hasn’t damaged them, I think alot is to be said about each child’s personality and how receptive they are to change. I didn’t have alot of friends in my childhood which had an adverse impact on me later in life. I don’t want the same for my children hence I am keen to ensure they are settled and live somewhere relatively permanently.

i would love to follow my heart but couldn’t do that at the detriment to my children so would need to make sure that any future move was going to be permanent really. I also don’t want to inflict the conflicting culture/identity issues that I have on them.

However if I feel very unhappy in the place we recently moved to ( our forever home ) then in the long run i think it might better for us to trial out a year or two in Australia if my partner agreed and if circumstances (jobs etc) allowed. Thank you for everyone’s feedback, really appreciate it.

I miss nature and my friends over there. The UK does have beautiful nature but often under dark cold skies and that can be very oppressive when trying to enjoy outside adventures with the family.

I guess I need to be grateful that my partners citizenship means that we as a family do have an option to move to Aus if we ever did reach a decision or agreement on that. I know that not everyone is as fortunate.

I am not into ‘UK bashing’ like I’ve seen alot of expats do or a lot of unhappy British people can do. I feel lucky to be from this country and to access the benefits that we have here, obviously not ignorant to the many issues the country has too. But our culture, humour, history etc is very rich.

thanks again

Are you happy where you live?

We live in an idyllic country village here in England and it offers a beautiful life, lots of friends and community feeling. I wonder if you need to relocate perhaps to somewhere more friendly. There are some amazing places to live in the UK and it has incredible connections to London, Paris, Milan, Geneva (all a few train rides away) and all of Europe. Sometimes we miss what is incredible about the culture and history here as we take it all for granted.

Also if you didn't have friends growing up have you had some therapy around that and discovered a little more about yourself? Were you bullied? Have narc parents?

Thank you. We have actually just moved to our ‘forever home’ in a beautiful market town that I actually really like. The street seems very friendly and there is a definite community feeling. Under an hour to London. It’s actually very positive here. I am very affected by weather though and feel that the endless cloudy skies and rain is what affects me most.

bullied yes, difficult family dynamic. Mainly bullying affected me. Was very shy to make friends on a long term basis when I was younger and actually wasn’t u til I moved to Australia that I made my first group of friends who were generous, loyal, funny, cool and who accepted me fully into their circle. This more than anything i guess is what makes me earn for Australia every day. Because ultimately I never made those same friendships when I returned - I feel and have found it much harder making friends in the UK than in Australia. I love the outdoors and am a little Tom boyish I guess and like to hang out with men and women. In the UK I found it be largely groups of women or groups of men. Where I was in Australia it seemed everyone and anyone just hung out and were friendly with eachother. Didn’t matter their class, job, background or gender- it was just a very open and friendly vibe

Hey @KateShine

I feel compelled to reply to you as, while my situation is different, it's also similar in that involves Australia!

Cut a long story short - we went to Aus for our honeymoon last year (delayed three years due to covid!) We loved our time there (only two and a half weeks due to annual leave etc), but I'm a total homebird so always like getting back home after a holiday (I'm weird, I know).

I realised a few weeks after coming back that I felt really lost and started lamenting the fact I hadn't lived somewhere like Aus in my 20s. My husband did nine months in Aus so feel like he had that experience and, while I had lovely holidays throughout my childhood and early 20s, I wish I had been braver and gone further afield.

Cut a long story short, it's over a year since we came back and I still feel a bit lost and just not quite sure of myself. I think a lot of it is to do with being mid-30s and not really knowing what I want in terms of kids. After much soul searching, I realised that I am yearning for Australia because it was two weeks of pure freedom and adventure. Don't get my wrong, I loved the place but it's how I felt while there that I miss.

I know that was very long-winded, but just wanted you to know you're not alone in what you're feeling. As others have said, perhaps it's that period of your life you are craving.

Australia will always be there😘

Thanks @SophW89

I also know a friend who’s basically in the exact same mind that you are in.

is your husband open to moving to Australia ? Or abroad generally ?

having lived in Australia after 2 months of travel I can certainly testify that living there, working and living a normal life is a far cry from the feeling I had while travelling or while living there and working on boats and other ‘young / travelling ‘ type jobs.

once I settled and got myself a proper job there I soon found that not much happened during the week as most of my friends also had 9-5 jobs or worked mining shifts and were away for a week at a time.

weekends that once were full of drinking and lazing around on beaches turned into normal trips to supermarkets, cleaning and home.

what I had back then though was a group of friends who I adored but soon people started moving away and settling down etc- it left me then feeling quite isolated or constantly worried about being on the different side of the world to my sisters, family etc.

I guess the main thing I had as a pull to come home was that I always knew I wanted children and I couldn’t see me settling down and having them a world away from family.

if you in the end decide you don’t want children then that certainly frees you up considerably in terms of moving to Australia or anywhere really- there would be no timeframe or pressures re. Schooling or constant concern that they didn’t have a relationship with their family back home.

that being said a move abroad regardless of kids can be daunting and would mean ‘starting again’ once , maybe even twice if you decided to return home and this can cause all sorts of stress re, stability, friendships, work, finances, mortgages etc.

if you have a job that’s one that can be done pretty much from any country and easily get back into if you returned to the UK I would suggest you give it ago if your husband was up for it. Because ultimately if you never experienced it in your 20s you may always worry that you could have done it and regret is an awful feeling to live with.

but moving abroad is different to travelling too. If I was in your boat I would be looking at sebatical
options Or a career break to go travelling for 3-6 months or something! It would probably also help give you clarity on whether or not you’d like to start a family etc.

I would not be who I am today without having travelled a lot in my 20s and lived abroad, but it’s certainly left me with a constant itch for more and a constant worry that there’s more to do with life. And this is not a positive thing as I should feel content and happy with everything I have which is an awful lot to be grateful for.

good luck to you , go travelling, it might help you work out whether you want to try out living elsewhere or whether you’d feel happy to settle in the uk around family and friends and potentially also start a family (or not) x

I'm Australian and have made my life in the UK and have zero regrets. I love living in Europe and so happy my 4 children have grown up on its doorstep.

I love visiting Australia but could never live there again. Aside from the downside of its geographical location it seems to have lost a lot of its charm, it seems to have become a very conformist place. I love the sense of humour of the Brits and I especially love the spikiness of British women.

would you mind if I PM you? x

@SophW89 go for it x

How lovely to see this positivity and a view from the 'other side'. Delighted to hear you have made the UK your home :)