I could cry, we're going to move again and not back to the UK

[admylin]

Dh has just had a job officially offered to him and it's too good to turn down. It means moving agin and I just feel like crying

I daren't tell the dc, they had a really hard time of it with the last move and we've just got settled and got to know our way round. How can I break it to them? I am so sick of having to make new friends too - I used to be OK with moving but I don't feel up to it anymore. Ds is 9 and he's lived in 4 different places already.

i'm sorry, but i wish somebody had told my parents not to do what they did.

at updating CV! I've caught dh on the Nature jobs website in the past couple of days and I just looked at him and said 'don't even think about it' Let me get this move over with and then he can start looking out for better jobs in teh UK or the US.

I think my dc did sort of shut themselves off from making friends when they were smaller. They were very close and only played together, never needed to join in with other dc and it was probably a sort of self-protection. Ds still is quite a loner and reads quite happily all weekend whereas dd would love to have all her friends round to play 24 hours a day so it'll hit her harder. Thank goodness I'm at home and I'm there for them and also make a special effort to go out and get to know the new area with them when ever we move.

By the way Ernest I've got a great tip for you: when you move in try to throw a mini-party just for the neighbourhood dc, I did last time we moved. I got the dc to make invitations then we put them on doorsteps of houses where we'd seem dc. I think we did a weekend afternoon and that's how they got to know all the neighbours - just did easy things like cake, crisps and drinks and got balloons to make it look like a party then just left them to it. They showed the new dc their stuff, dd had all her arts and crafts stuff out and they played in the garden and just got to know each other. An easy way of breaking the ice and not so much hassle as a 'grown-up' do. You get to know the parents anyway when they bring/collect the dc. I had a big cake and coffee and wine to offer the parents when they called for their dc.

pinktulips sorry you had a bad experience when you were smaller. I hope I am doing the right thing. My plan-B which is to go to the UK and let dh just visit is maybe a good back up but I've no idea how well or badly the dc would take to not having dad nearby.

admylin that is a really fab idea - except I really don't think I could - I've got to do this bloody Abschiedsparty for 20 on Saturday (Please somebody come and do it for me) absolutely hideous. I can't imagine anything worse. Really. Just in case I do do the good mummy bit, as I rellay see the benefits, where the hell do I find these kids to invite them, or do I just stick up balloons and man handle kids off the street, force feeding chocolate cake into their collective mouths?

I still desperately seeking an idea for a little (useful, not rubbish) present for the kids on Saturday. I cannot think of anything, and only want to spend a bit each. At this moment I can't think of anything AT ALL. I hate kids parties. I refuse to do a birthday party now. grump grump.

Maybe you could do my party for me in Munich, if not in CH (wonders hopefully?) Obviously your dcs would be invited

admylin, regarding your plan B - well that's what we did, and for us it has been surprisingly difficult. I thought it was the perfect solution, he gets the job he wants, me & dc get the stability of staying in our home. I thought, he's often late home, the kids only see him for a short while each night, if at all. No problem. I'm not very dependent, am used to coping, do most things around the house myself anyway etc etc.

So I was surprised how hard it has been for all of us. The boys have really missed their dad, but at same time, some nights refused to speak to him on the phone, which dh found very difficult. If the train was cancelled, and he could,'t get back when planned they were disappointed. It was really hard to cope with him coming back tired (read grumpy) and balancing this with needing to do stuff with the kids etc etc.

From our pov, relationship-wise, it has been bloody difficult. On the one hand I often felt I didn't miss him, and felt we were really drifting apart. I felt it was very dangerous actually, esp long ter. When he came back I don't like having to share my bed again. And if there were issues, it was really hard to talk about them, as dcs there till say 8.30/ 9, then didn't want to spoil our 2 hours a week alone by having heavy discussion/row, so things brewed or went left unsaid.

All in all, it was much harder than I anticipated, and for this reason finally, reluctantly agreed to move after all.

Sorry for waffling on, but I went into it really positive and confident it was a brilliant solution, but had a far greater impact that I thought possible. You really need to get dh to agree to next move being UK or something. It's a bit of a rock and a hard place - disrupted kids in new town vs. daddy being absent, but I think the latter is the worse option of the 2. I hope you (and I!) can convince our dhs to stop this carry on

Says she, who, is moving in 2.5 weeks, full in the knowledge that in max 3 years we have to move again.

Yes, Ernest my plan-b came about because I thought the dc don't se etheir dad much any way and I'm also used to just getting on with things and doing most things without him. I think we're together now because we just don't see each other often enough to fight! No, seiously though, that's why I've stuck it out so long and this move is his last chance - it's also 3 years at first but if he's good and publishes enough of his work they'll keep him becaus ethe position is always there, they call it an internal position and the one he has now is external so th eposition only exists as long as there is funding from outside - anyway he should be able to relax abit and not have to worry that he won't be funded anymore. Here even if he produces good work he could still be redundant in 1 year if the application for funding isn't a success.

OK, you have to get your dc to play spy. They will be busy with it for the first few days after the move keeping you free to get settled in. They just have to watch the neighbourhood from the garden, street corner or house (top window) and where ever they see dc going in or out they put an invitation on that doorstep! We did see dc going into one house and they invited them but the dad came over and said sorry but they only come every other weekend as they don't live with me but he was nice and we got to know him and introduced ourselves and the girls came over the next weekend and asked if my 2 wanted to play. I think I left the dc to write the invites something like Wir sind die neue Nachbar Kinder und laden die Kinder zur Party am Samstag Nachmittag um 15Uhr probably loads of mistakes but whatever, it worked! I did that because my 2 are abit shy and wouldn't go out and just meet the other dc so that way it broke the ice for them. If your dc aren't shy they should just be left to get on with it!