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Living overseas

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Original poster

I could cry, we're going to move again and not back to the UK

81 replies

admylin · 01/04/2008 12:07

Dh has just had a job officially offered to him and it's too good to turn down. It means moving agin and I just feel like crying

I daren't tell the dc, they had a really hard time of it with the last move and we've just got settled and got to know our way round. How can I break it to them? I am so sick of having to make new friends too - I used to be OK with moving but I don't feel up to it anymore. Ds is 9 and he's lived in 4 different places already.

OP posts:
CinderellaInCyberspace · 01/04/2008 20:51

we have had a very bumpy year too
men see things from a very different view

try and grab something for you too
maybe there is a british shop there

CinderellaInCyberspace · 01/04/2008 20:55

there is I just googled it
looks good
think it was called brittana and more or something similar

yama · 01/04/2008 21:00

Hi admylin,

I'm another that wanted to add that I moved a lot as a child - eight primary/junior schools over two continents and then just the two secondary schools in Scotland.

I look back on that time fondly and actually think it gave me useful life skills. The one constant of course was my family and as adults were are all very close.

Good luck.

Expectant · 02/04/2008 06:44

Hi,

Hope that the visit to Hanover goes well. I remember it as a nice city but was a while when I last went there. Can put you in touch with a great dentist if you need one though!

Also what I sometimes struggle with is a fellow expat is that my recollections of life in the UK are sometimes (particularly when feeling homesick) a little on the rosy side. As much as I love the UK there are some pretty rubbish things about it too. I do know that financially and for quality of life I'm much better off where I am now. Of course it may be a little different for you but hope you come to the right conclusion for you and your family whatever that might be.

cameroonmama · 02/04/2008 07:34

Admylin, sorry to hear you are going through tough times. I totally understand about the rigmarole of moving and upsetting the dc,(whom will probably adjust much quicker than you think) especially since you will still be in Germany, however if your dh is just not happy with his life it is worth giving it a go isn't it, to keep you all together as a family? You are sounding very positive about going there in advance and finding some good places to visit. It might surprise you and be much nicer than Berlin.

Also I'd like to echo what Expectant says, moving back to the UK may not be all its cracked up to be. We have just had a year in Somerset between Cameroon and Kenya and I was soooo excited. I loved it at first,especially seeing my family and by the end of the year I was pleased to be leaving, it all just seemed so mundane and ordinary, we didn't see as much of our families and friends as we had imagined we would. I prefer the long and/or regular trips back when everyone is excited to see you

I hope it all works out.

hanaflower · 02/04/2008 07:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hollyhobbie · 02/04/2008 08:31

We're just leaving Germany to Holland. Even though it was my idea that we move (so that I can get back into the job market), I still cried when DH told me he had an interview.

It IS hard to move and face the prospect of new friends, new schools, new home (at least not a new language for you!) but positive things can come of it too.

For us Holland is not the huge leap on the financial ladder that we hoped it would be, so we're giving it a year and will then reassess our plans. Maybe you could set up a deadline like that too?

Good luck to you.

Original poster
admylin · 02/04/2008 10:00

Thanks everyone, I feel better today although I didn't sleep at all last night. I'm on a mission to inform myself about Hannover this week and then start looking for schools. Probably all go for a weekend in mid April and tell the dc then.

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CinderellaInCyberspace · 02/04/2008 10:27

wishing you tons of luck

SSSandy2 · 02/04/2008 10:57

admylin we just got back last night. I'm sorry this hasn't worked out the way you wished.

If there is anything I can do in the way of practical help, like looking after the dc whilst you get things done or giving you a hand with the packing, let me know. I'm pretty useless at organisational stuff to be honest when it comes to my own life but I'm better when it comes to other people's lives!

You know I'm an expat dc myself and we 3 coped just fine with all the moving about. The thing is to not show your discontent/worry when you're with the dc - which I know is difficult. You need to send out calm earth-mother vibes along the lines "everything is fine and I'm in control" and the dc will accept and go along with your peaceful acceptance. Then come and let it all out with me!

For dc their home is their mum and dad in the end and not the town they live in.

Original poster
admylin · 02/04/2008 11:06

Thanks SSSandy, that's why I couldn't tell them yet (the dc) because I need to get my vibes sorted out!
I'm getting there but I'm so frustrated this morning, how on earth do I find out which area of hannover to even consider. I've been on Spiegel, Focus websites and google but very hard to find anything. I might try and get a book? I'm not very good at researching on the web because it's so much information I don't know where to start. And schools is the next thing to sort out although I'm pretty sure they can only be better than in Berlin.

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SSSandy2 · 02/04/2008 11:49

Has he officially accepted the position?

I think first you need to calm down. You're nervous and worried and it is difficult to get things done in that frame. I know because I am permanently in that condition. Then I would try and find something out about schools and see what the area is like where dh will be working. I would move to be in a quieter greener area and hope the schools are ok or move to be near a good school (rather than just near dh's work this time round unless the area itself appeals to me).

Original poster
admylin · 02/04/2008 12:02

Thank goodness dh has said this time that the area where the job is will be no good for us to live in and he's going to get a car so we can decide where to live.

How do I go about it - should I go through all the Gymnasiums (there aren't that many compared to Berlin!) and write down the main points and area then get a map and mark them - then I can either flat hunt online or try to go and visit some of the schools first?

Websites can give a false impretion then when you get there you're shocked. I'm so worried because of what happened at the Gymnasium in Berlin with ds, it was awful. By the way they sent my documents back and they had written Absage in biro right across teh front page, how stupid.

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SSSandy2 · 02/04/2008 12:20

How unnecessary and pathetically aggressive of the school admin. That kind of thing bugs me so much, what is the point in it all? They don't brighten their own day by acting like idiots, do they? They think they've scored some points in a weird game by being a bit nasty about it and they didn't win anything by it. Bunch of weirdos, be glad you decided against that school I think.

OK, well I know nothing at all about Hannover, so how about going into a good bookstore and browsing through a couple of guide books on Hannover to get a feel for which areas sound nice? Write them down. Then we can google online for those areas and see what schools they have.

Original poster
admylin · 02/04/2008 12:22

Yes, will do that as I have to go into the shops to get a birthday present for dd's friend and she wants to get a Der kleine Vampir book for her. Atleast we've got plenty of time to research, September move is OK isn't it?

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SSSandy2 · 02/04/2008 12:45

I think it's plenty of time admylin. Try to relax and seperate the emotional side from the practical side if you can. I am a great list-writer and it calms me down, sorts out my mind when I write a list of the things I need to tackle.

The emotional side of it is more difficult.

whitewine · 03/04/2008 15:00

admylin - I was speechless when I read your post as I can relate to all your feelings and uncertainty. There are moments when the next move seems like an exciting adventure and other moments when it feels impossible to start over AGAIN! As a trailing spouse we don't always get the choice and it feels impossible to say "no".

I wonder if we will ever have a normal, settled life. or really what is normal . Besides, I think I might get bored if life became too routine, but I sure would like to try it.

ernest · 03/04/2008 15:35

hi admylin, just thought I'd add my support here too.

I'm so sorry, I didn't realise you were feeling so bad about the move. I can 100% relate. When dh told me he'd got the job, I was so gutted. I initially refused to move, and we tried it, but really didn't find it an easy or healthy sitiation, so I very unwillingly agreed to move. I felt so bad for the kids. I did move around a bit as a kid, and it did leave me emotionally scarred, in a big way, so something I'm very conscious of, tho clearly given by the answers you've received here, plenty of people thrive in these conditions. I'd say my mum handled it exceptionally badly, and am confident you and I will handle them much better My dh sees it all as an adventure. He has itchy feet and isn't happy in the same place or job too long however, as a kid he didn't move around - he moved 1 at age 7, and his dad still lives in the same house, so he has no clue how disruptive it can be.

Wrt the move - I told my dh that this was the last time. I wanted to be settled in 1 town by the time eldest child started 2ndary school, so that means for us 2 years, then asked him where we could live that would enable him to change jobs within the same city iyswim. It seems it's USA (which I refuse) or London, so I told him our next move must be within commute of London, then next time he gets bored, he can change jobs without us having to emigrate again WOuld this be possible with your dh?

I don't know what line of work he's in, but I know the disruption it is. I dunno if it's cos I'm pg, or alone in a foreign country,, probably a combination of the 2, but I'm finding this move to be truly horrendous. I'm actually looking forward to being in the house now (probs with ds1 teacher for eg gave me some pos. reasons for leaving my home here) and I love our new house, but it's on a fixed 3 year contract so I know for a fact in 3 years I'll be doing it all over again too, probably to LOndon. But while I was really excitied to move from London to Basel, and ok about moving from Basel to Zurish, this moved, I guess it's cos I'm doing it in such a short time scael with no help at all is just a nightmare and have been in tears pretty much all day every day for the last 2 weeks

I really hope you find somewhere to live that you really like and feel at least that was an advantage. The way we did it, as I've never been to Munich, we chose the school we wanted (much easier as we've opted this time to take them out ouf local system & into IS) so choice was limited to A or B. Then after chosing the school, we just spent a couple of afternoos driving to the places with reasonable journey by pub transport to his work, but also not too far from school. So had a list of towns/suburbs we liked/didn't. Luckily this time the co. paid for a relocation co. They took our criteria and took dh to see some houses and he picked one based on this (which wasn't in fact in any of the places we'd looked at but hey ho, the priciple was sound) I really wish you all the best.

Feel free to cat f you want . phew that was long and waffly sorry

Original poster
admylin · 05/04/2008 11:22

Thanks ernest, atleast I know I'm not the only one feeling the way I do! We had a massive row on Friday (dh and I) and that's just the start of it all - I can feel the stress building up and getting ready to burst out of me. Have warned dh that he can expect more tears - he does not understand tears AT ALL. Still haven't told the dc and feel awful because ds was talking about the possibility of being in Texas nest year and how great it would be (dh was supposed to go to Dallas but the money was very wrong) and the dc don't realise yet that he isn't going to take the job. They dislike Germany (trying to be carefull here, it's not all bad, infact Munich where you will be is meant to be great for family life etc)

Dh is a scientist - more like one of those extreme academics who isn't on our planet - another way of putting mad scientist really. I think he will have to come down to our level of existance and get a hire car and just drive round Hannover as you did because my eyes are stinging from searching the web about 'nice areas' and you just can't tell. I can#t really start flat or house hunting though because the move will be in August and they don't seem to have any offers for that time yet so deep breathing, relaxing tea infusions and chocolate for me for the next month.

Good luck with all your preparations, parties and such like.

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hupa · 05/04/2008 18:49

Could your dh at least ask his new employers if there are any particulaly family friendly areas of Hannover or areas to definitely avoid. At least then you could confine your school search to the areas they recommend.

Original poster
admylin · 05/04/2008 23:11

That's a good idea hupa, dh is so stubborn and thinks he has to sort things like this out all by himself (which really means all by myself) but of course he could ask and it would save us time - last time (the last move) we wasted a whole 4 days looking in all the wrong places because he didn't want to ask. He can ask when he starts negotiating the relocation costs ...which he also doesn't really want to ask about. FGS they can only say no at the worst...and they might offer to pay in part which as also better than nothing.

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berolina · 05/04/2008 23:47

Just seen this, have been away. many supportive vibes, admylin.

A very old friend of dh's has recently and surprisingly announced he is marrying a woman who lives in Hannover and has children - the wedding is probably (!) sometime this month and dh is going to be Trauzeuge, so I will get him to ask her.

Original poster
admylin · 05/04/2008 23:50

Thanks berolina, you would really be helping out - the more opinions the better.

See how late I'm up - I just can't sleep with worrying and haven't been able to tell teh dc yet either. Are you up feeding ds?

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berolina · 05/04/2008 23:54

I'm in the UK (only for 10 days though ), so not up thaaaaat late really. dses are both asleep. Bliss.

Original poster
admylin · 05/04/2008 23:58

Oh wow, have a nice time and stock up on all the lovely food stuffs! We've got marmite and branston on the way to us in the post from my mum but the postmen are on strike in Berlin - or they have been a couple of days and I think our parcel is at the bottom of a huge pile of undelivered post that will get seen to when they catch up

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