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Living overseas

Whether you're considering emigrating or an expat abroad, you'll find likeminds on this forum.

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Original poster

I could cry, we're going to move again and not back to the UK

81 replies

admylin · 01/04/2008 12:07

Dh has just had a job officially offered to him and it's too good to turn down. It means moving agin and I just feel like crying

I daren't tell the dc, they had a really hard time of it with the last move and we've just got settled and got to know our way round. How can I break it to them? I am so sick of having to make new friends too - I used to be OK with moving but I don't feel up to it anymore. Ds is 9 and he's lived in 4 different places already.

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berolina · 05/04/2008 23:59

Not another strike Is the BVG running at least?

Do you want anything bringing over? We have very very limited space but could prob squash a bar of Dairy Milk in

Original poster

admylin · 06/04/2008 00:04

BVG is back yes! No thanks for offering but mum's parcel should make it by the time ds has scraped the last serving of marmite out of his precious marmite pot!

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SmugColditz · 06/04/2008 00:08

Admylin, seriously, can you not just say no? I honestly wouldn't risk my child's mental health by moving him again and again and again. Where's the stability?

Original poster

admylin · 06/04/2008 00:14

The trouble is colditz they aren't really happy in Berlin so I hope I'm not going to be jumping out of the frying pan into the fire but that the grass really will be greener....I'm mostly feeling sorry for myself because I've just got used to things here, found my routine and some friends - but then again I don't want to grow old here. Can you tell I'm trying to talk myself into it! I just feel exhausted and it is hard work making friends again (for me) the dc will make friends quickly enough through school but they'll be sad that we're moving within Germany and not back to the UK or atleast to the US (for some reason they think it'll be better in the US because they speak English)

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expatinscotland · 06/04/2008 00:16

oooo, can we trade?

we'll go to Berlin.

you can come to the UK.

berolina will help me brush up on some German, i'll pull out my old 'Lernheft' from university.

Original poster

admylin · 06/04/2008 00:18

I think berlin is great but I came 15 years too late to really enjoy it! In our area of the city there is exactly 11% population under 18 - we should have maybe tried living in one of the other areas and we'd have felt better about it all.

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SmugColditz · 06/04/2008 00:19

It probably would be better for them if they were moving back to an English speaking country though.

I see your dilemma, I really do, but I don't think you should allow your husband to decide your life for you because he might get bored and whiny if you don't go along with his demands.

berolina · 06/04/2008 00:23

Colditz, I think (knowing Berlin, and 'knowing' admylin and her situation) that staying put is not so good an alternative (especially longterm) that admylin feels she should and could say no to the job - the unsettling might be worth it in the long run. (Am I right, admylin?)

berolina · 06/04/2008 00:25

Oh, and I love Berlin passionately, but I know I'm going to have a tough time with UK-sickness ('home'sickness is not entirely the word for it any more) when we come back next week.

Original poster

admylin · 06/04/2008 00:26

So you would probably find my plan-B acceptable. I am going to give it another year and if they don't settle and he still hasn't found a job in the UK or US I can go back to my parents (thank goodness we get on and they have a huge house) and I'll have to try that way of living. He can fly in on long weekends or holidays and he'll have to learn how to look after himself - ie how to work the washing machine and find the clean bedding - all things he has failed at when ever I've bene away for a long time! He once had to go out and buy new towels becaus ehe didn't want to /couldn't work the washing machine and the same with clean sheets when he had a guest and had to make the bed up for him.

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Original poster

admylin · 06/04/2008 00:27

We'll see you in the German corner for support then berolina!

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SSSandy2 · 07/04/2008 09:06

men and machines. What a joke, eh? Remember when my mother died and I went back for the funeral, dh had to get in a troop of about 5 male friends to stand about discussing how to work the totally straight-forward washing machine. I had also written idiot-proof instructions. Like fill the middle compartment with one scoop of washing powder, turn to 40 degrees and switch "on". They honestly couldn't do it. Dd showed them in the end.

Admylin, if things (schools, flat) are not sorted on time for September, you could register with the police that only dh is moving on to Hannover, you and the kids back to the UK. THen they don't have to attend school and you can look about in (more) leisure. There is a company here called "Mitwohnzentrale" that rent out furnished apartments for a certain time. Perhaps that would be an interim option. Not sure what to do with all your stuff though. Do you have a lot? You could store quite a bit in our cellar if you like.

Original poster

admylin · 07/04/2008 09:33

That's a good idea SSSandy about the mitwohnzentrale - will look into it. Dh wants to leave most of our things and buy new, dc need new beds anyway and we need some decent living room stuff so if he wants to I don't mind. I'd only be bringing dc's desks and chairs and loads of boxes of books, dc things like lego, art and craft stuff and then only my good kitchen things.

The latest problem is this: we go to Houston to this wedding on 23rd of July and dh has booked 3 weeks so we fly back around the 13th of August. I've checked the school holidays and the Hannover schools go back on the 25th of August. Can you see why I'm stressed? That means that we need to have the new place sorted and signed for before the 23rd and then when I get back from the US I've got all of 10 days to recover from jetlag, move house and find my way around - I'll hardly even have time to get my holiday stuff washed and dried before we move.

I didn't want to go to Texas for so long but dh thought he'd be visiting his new employers in Dallas too so I suppose I can't complain too much. Would you try and change the flights? I'd rather come back on the 7th or 8th of August then I'd have more time.

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SSSandy2 · 07/04/2008 09:40

If you think you and the dc will recover a bit on holiday in the US and that it will be a relaxing, pleasant time, I would not shorten your stay.

Since the prospective employer bit is no longer relevant, could you tack a family holiday onto the family wedding bit and stay somewhere nice and relaxing for 2 of those 3 weeks (ie away from the family)? If not and the 3 weeks are going to be stressful, I would see how much it costs you if you change the flight details now.

Original poster

admylin · 07/04/2008 10:06

I suppose it could be relaxing hadn't thought of that ! The dc will be plaesed to see so many cousins and family they have never met and dh did say we were going to go and stay somewhere - haven't found any thing yet, might ask on the US thread.

Dh has just rang, his boss here is begging him to stay and is running around trying to get funding to keep him - he was in Brussels and next week in Bonn trying to get grants for his research. Now it's really getting on my nerves because I'm sitting here searching for schools and flats and his boss keeps saying please stay, wait 2 more weeks and things like that. It can't go on like that, I need to know what we're doing... grrrr.
And although theprospect of another move is awful - I really think Hannover wil be better than Berlin for the dc.

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SSSandy2 · 07/04/2008 10:15

I just don't have any concept at all of what Hannover is like. Is this a permanent position in Hannover? I think I might be tempted (never thought I'd say THIS) to stay in Berlin if dh's position is extended but only whilst continuing to look for a position outside Germany IYSWIM?

Maybe Hannover is really nice. I really don't know admylin but in the end what you want to do is move to an English-speaking country really, don't you?

ninedragons · 08/04/2008 07:48

Big internet squeeze for you, admylin. I think your plan B sounds pretty good, actually.

I am in the same position - stuck in Shanghai for my husband's work. It's a vast, exhausting dump of a place. I spat the dummy after the baby came along and my world shrank to walking distance (the cars don't have seat belts or anchor points for baby capsules) and we're moving home to Sydney in November.

Maybe we should have a support thread for reluctant expats.

Original poster

admylin · 08/04/2008 09:54

Hi ninedragons, thanks. I think a support thread for moving/starting over and/or being an expat would be good (are you going to start one?).

I'm constantly thinking of things I need reassured of - and MN would maybe help me calm down. I just keep thinking about all those moving abroad documentaries on TV and how they just seem so calm and organized and I don't seem to know where to start.

Even if I get that part sorted I start dreading the fact that I'm going to be in a place where I don't know any one and I need to talk to people - when we first moved to Berlin and before I got to know people I used to find myself being over chatty to the woman at the till in the supermarket because I was so pleased to have an adult to speak to, afterwards I thought 'She must have thought I was crazy'

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SSSandy2 · 08/04/2008 10:01

It is hard to be up in the air like this admylin not knowing what is happening. Could you take Monday off and go over to Hannover for a long weekend this weekend?

If you have to have everything organised before you go to Texas (23.7?) that doesn't leave you an enormous amount of time. It's still around 3 months which should be ok but less than I thought when you mentioned moving in September.

Original poster

admylin · 08/04/2008 10:23

I know it seems ages but infact it isn't because of that 3 month kündigungsfrist on the flat we'll have to have a place for 1st of August and dh will have to stay in Berlin and hand over keys etc by himself at the end of August. I think I've got someone who wants our flat so it could work out if they agree to move in on 1st of September.

I want to wait and go in May because at the moment the houses and flats on offer all want someone from now or July at the latest so I suppose the August flats will be on offer from May.

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SSSandy2 · 08/04/2008 10:25

I don't think I could summon up the energy myself to move within Germany. Really don't but if you have to, I suppose you do just manage, don't you?

How are you feeling about Hannover these days?

Original poster

admylin · 08/04/2008 10:33

I'm starting to think that it's going to be nicer than here for the dc. If we stayed in Berlin I would have to move house anyway as this place is too small. I have a good chance of getting a place near the forest or on the outskirts of town - I think, once I've broken the news to the dc they'll maybe like the idea as the 2 things at the top of their lists are - apart from moving to UK, are getting their own room and getting away from the city. I must remember to check out the airport connections too so I can show them how easy and often we can get back to the UK.

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SSSandy2 · 08/04/2008 10:57

I hope it's really nice there admylin. You were saying you'd have a car again since dh would need to commute so you'll be able to make some trips round about and there are some nice areas near by.

PinkTulips · 08/04/2008 11:08

i had lived in 5 differant houses in 3 countries by the time i was 8.

i was always the foreign kid, always spoke differantly, couldn't read/speak the language, didn't know the local slang, etc.

no job is that good. i still resent my parents for putting me through that and have awful social skills as after the first few moves i stopped trying to get to know people as i didn't see the point.

we were in cork 4 years by the time it occured to me that we were staying this time and another 3 years before i learned how to ake friends as i'd isolated myself badly

ernest · 08/04/2008 11:41

PT, don't you think that's a bit of a difficult post for those of us in this position who don't necessarily have that much choice? In 2.5 weeks we're about to move countries again, it will be ds1's 3rd country, and he's 8.

I do think how we, as parents deal with the situation has a lot to do with it, as well as individual personalities of course. I don't think my kids will suffer as much as it sounds like you did, and I'm sure admylin's kids will be fine too, especially if the move brings advantages like nicer place to live, bigger home, car, access to countryside etc.

admylin, I'm glad you're able to start seeing some positives. I wept when I knew I had to leave here. But I've mentally closed the door and am looking forward to the new country, town, home, life. I hope this move can be a good one for your family, that your children cope with it well, and that you get some sort of resolution with your dh about future moves.

My dh last night told me he was writing/updating his CV We haven't even got there yet! Told him in no uncertain terms as long as it was for a job in Munich he could do what he wanted.

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