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Living overseas

Whether you're considering emigrating or an expat abroad, you'll find likeminds on this forum.

Original poster

If you moved overseas for your partner's job, are you happy?

57 replies

alarkaspree · 11/02/2008 20:05

We are considering moving to New York for 2-3 years for dh's job. I have mostly agreed but am now having a lot of second thoughts.

I know the city well, and know we could enjoy life there. But I'm not sure if I want to leave our families, all of whom our children are very close to. And I'm not sure I can face all the organisation either.

He doesn't need to work there but it would improve his career prospects. And he currently has to visit NY anyway for a week every month, which actually is quite hard for us all. So at least if we lived there he would be around all the time.

I am really torn. Please come and tell me your experiences.

OP posts:
kindersurprise · 11/02/2008 20:18

With us it was a bit different. I was working in Germany for a year when I met DH and decided to stay.

We have moved about a bit in Germany and so I know what it is like to start afresh.

Our DD is almost 6yo and DS is 3.5yo and just after DS was born my parents both retired. That made a huge difference as they could visit pretty much when they wanted (depending on availability of cheap flights). I assume that your family would visit. Our experience has been that the more attrative the city, the more visitors we have had. So you should be ok in NY

Other than that, we have regular visits back home. And keep in touch via webcam/phone calls. I am still very close to my parents and the DCs are, I would say, closer to my parents than my PILs although they are only 3 hours drive away.

As to the organisation, would your DH's company not do a lot of that?

SSSandy2 · 11/02/2008 20:23

No, I am not at all happy. However had it just been for 2 years, I could perhaps have just accepted the experience and somehow coped; however it has stretched into 7 1/2 years now and no end in sight, which I am finding a grim prospect.

I shouldn't think NY would be too difficult, what with the common language and so on, you will probably fall on your feet and have a fairly independent life of your own, something which expat wives don't always have. Do you have school-age children? That would be a major consideration of course and then I agree the organisation really is a PITA, isn't it?

We all have very different relationships to our parents/families so it is hard for someone else to say how you might cope with being far away from yours. If your dp are retired, would they be able to go over for a longer visit?

Buda · 11/02/2008 20:29

I have moved to Bangkok, Ho Chi Minh City, Sofia and now Budapest with DH's job with a stint back in London between Bangkok and HCMC. I def don't regret it. I have had some fantastic experiences and made some fantastic friends that I never would have done otherwise.

I would jump at chance of New York! Esp as you have a time-line (and if it is not a definite one presumably you could make it so). I would think that in NY you would have loads of visitors and it is not too hard/far/expensive that you wouldn't get home regularly.

Having said all that I am now the one saying no more. I have done my moving. And it will limit DH's career to an extent but not too badly.

I think you need to do that age-old thing of a sheet of paper with pros and cons on each side and just work it out.

And then fast forward 10 years. Would you regret not doing it or doing it?

23balloons · 11/02/2008 20:31

I did many years ago before we had children and was 100% miserable. We moved to Chicago and I could not get a working visa so had nothing to do all day it was truly horrible although probably wouldn't have been as bad if we had kids?

If it were me I definitely wouldn't go unless it meant dh was jobless.

Astrophe · 11/02/2008 20:35

I'm happy, but glad to be going home in August too, although I love it here (UK) in some ways It;s been 2.5 years, which has been a good amount of time for us, and not too long to get in the way of important friendships and connections with friends back home.

CalifrauQuoteoftheWeek · 11/02/2008 20:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

castille · 11/02/2008 20:49

I moved here to be with my DH, whom I met while studying here, so it's not quite the same, but the issues are similar. Though I'm here permanently now, so 2/3 years seems like nothing!

I've had phases (mostly when most things are going well) when I'm reasonably happy. But when things are tough, such as when someone is ill, or I'm run off my feet because DH is away, or too busy at work to help, I get a bit down and miss the support of my family.

What about education? Would you be happy for your children to go to American schools? It can be a huge issue - it is for me.

How much day-to-day support would you get from your DH out there? Would grandparents and other family members be able to make regular visits? If not, how often would you/ could you come back?

All important stuff to consider.

robinpud · 11/02/2008 20:52

We have just had a year in Sydney with dh's job. It was a fabulous experience for all of us, particularly the children and something that will shape them in the future. We always knew it was just for a year and that made it really manageable. We had more contact with some family members than normal thanks to the internet. I never felt completely cut off from home thanks to numerous emails. We made great friends out there and threw ourselves into life.
Now we are home, it has highlighted the things in our life that are important and worth doing and prioritising and those things that just aren't. We have had a plethora of wonderful experiences and have lots of lovely memories. Now, we are home and back in our own home we are finding lots about life here to enjoy and savour.
Go for it; be realistic that there will be some things that are hard, but know that it will give you opportunities and experiences that staying at home just won't.

lovecamping · 11/02/2008 20:55

me & dd1 moved to paris for dh's job. i loved it and dd1 was coping well.
for us it meant he would be doing less travelling overseas apart from back to london so it was lovely to have dh around alot more. which was handy as i dont speak the language.

it was suppose to be for 3 yrs but dh hated it so much after a year we came back. i was really upset about leaving. And would definitely move abroad again. its too good an opportunity to miss and you know that you can always come back.

HTH

Original poster
alarkaspree · 11/02/2008 20:56

Thank you so much everyone. So, actually I'm very lucky aren't I? NY is a fantastic city and I'm sure people will want to come and visit (although we will probably have to pay for most of their travel costs...)

Buda, thinking 10 years in the future is a really good way to look at it. I don't think I would regret either really but I do think I'm often too risk-averse and I don't want to be the one to turn down an adventure. The time-line is one of the things that worries me, I think once we go it will be difficult for dh to come back.

23balloons, I did this pre-children as well and agree, it was truly awful. But we spent 3 months in NY last year with children and had a fantastic time.

SSSandy2, I am sorry you are unhappy. Is there any prospect of you going home?

OP posts:
purpleduck · 11/02/2008 21:08

Oh you lucky thing!!!

I met dh in Canada (I'm Canadian) and we are here in the uk now, so we are different, but we are both dying for an adventure.

Go for it!!!

It will be different, and it is soooo tempting sometimes to get into the "oooh, we do things so much better in the uk..." mindset. Try to have fun - as robin said, it is something that will shape your kids for the future. Think of all the things you could do while you are there:
Skiing
Las Vegas
Yosemite
Cape Cod
Ice skating in central park

etc etc

And I bet you won't have a chance to miss everyone- they'll all be camped out in your spare room

bebespain · 11/02/2008 21:21

Another No here

I moved to Madrid 18 months ago with my Spanish husband when he got a job back here.

I cannot settle at all and miss the UK, friends and family so much. Even though they visit and I go back fairly regularly it doesn't help my day to day living...

Totally agree with the others regards the time-line. I think if I knew we were going to be here for a fixed amount of time only I would be coping much better. The permanancy of it really frightens me

However, I'm sure NY will be fantastic

Good luck making your decision

Original poster
alarkaspree · 11/02/2008 21:30

Castille - what are your issues with American schools? My children are almost 2 and almost 4, so it hasn't been worrying me particularly. Although dd has lovely diction at the moment but that won't last in a London school either.

Thanks everyone, you have made me feel much more positive. All the worries tend to surface at night though so I may be back here in 3 hours time...

OP posts:
CalifrauQuoteoftheWeek · 11/02/2008 21:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

castille · 11/02/2008 21:50

Misunderstanding! I know nothing about US schools, I was just saying that education abroad can be a source of worry...

CalifrauQuoteoftheWeek · 11/02/2008 21:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

elvisgirl · 12/02/2008 02:06

I have been in Sydney for 6mths as we moved out here for partner's job. I am not working as starting a family. I have put a time limit on it of a minimum of 3 yrs so although I am not particularly unhappy as I'm preoccupied with baby stuff I know that if I am later on there is no pressure to stay in an unhappy situation. I think having a fixed time period to review stuff is the key.
Other than that, I'd say go for it as it is an experience & one that is likely to have more positive benefits than negative. Especially as time goes on in the future you will appreciate having had the opportunity, just like being at school or uni - at the time you think this is crap but later on you get all nostalgic about the good aspects!

alipiggie · 12/02/2008 03:16

Another vote for go. Califrau knows my story well as do others. I moved here to Colorado for soon to be Ex-H and six weeks later discovered he'd been having an affair. Although I've had some of the biggest lows of my life, there is NO way I would trade living here for the UK. I'm now a permanent resident have a job and loads and loads of friends. As an Only Child leaving my older parents was hard, but it's my life and they actively encouraged me to stay here.

I have a quality of life I would never have as a single working mum in the UK and more importantly the boys are near their father.

Believe me, view it as only a few years. Flights to New York are short and reasonably priced from the UK. Go for it - you will not regret it.

As for Education here - I personally think it's brilliant, most Undergrads I know here are some of the most mature well rounded young people I've ever met.

belgo · 12/02/2008 06:28

I would jump at the chance of moving to New York for a couple of years.

duchesse · 12/02/2008 06:32

We moved to Montreal when my husband did a job swap for a year. It was wonderful, more like an extended holiday than an ordeal...

duchesse · 12/02/2008 06:42

Forgot to say- our children were 6, 8 and 10 when we move there and active outdoorsy children, and it was perfect for them. There is tons to in NY and NY state, it snows every winter and is warm in summer, and the great outdoors just beckons. New England is fabulous (Maine is one of my favourite places in the entire world, closely followed by Vermont)

duchesse · 12/02/2008 06:44

and schoolwise, the local state elementary in Montreal proved to be just as good in many many respects as the £8000 a year prep school the two oldest had just left.

belgo · 12/02/2008 06:44

I'm getting itchy feet reading this thread

duchesse · 12/02/2008 06:45

me too, belgo... We're now mired in Devon.

belgo · 12/02/2008 06:48

and it looks like I'm stuck in Belgium for good. Dh really doesn't want to move anywhere.

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