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Living overseas

Whether you're considering emigrating or an expat abroad, you'll find likeminds on this forum.

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Original poster

DH wants to move abroad, I don’t

61 replies

ReGINerate · 12/07/2022 11:11

My DH has a dream to live in Sweden, but I am not so keen. We are both from the UK, but his family have Swedish links. After the brexit vote his parents unexpectedly moved to Sweden permanently as they were unhappy with their retirement life in the Uk. Since the the pressure for us to move there has been ever increasing. It would require a lot of effort for us to move there now (post brexit). Neither of us speak the language and as we are both professionals we would need to sit various exams to continue on our career paths or change jobs completely. Although Sweden is very appealing in many ways, I’m mostly worried about the weather, particular in the winter as I suffer severe SAD. I also worry about being lonely, I don’t find it that easy to make friends at the best of times let alone when I can’t speak a language. I have a great family and friendship circle in the uk and really don’t want to leave that. My other concern is that my husband wouldn’t be considering the move if his parents lived in the uk. They can be quite impulsive and may well moved back to the uk at any point and then we would end up being in a country with no one.

Years ago I would have agreed to a trial move despite my concerns, but in recent years our marriage isn’t as strong. I worry about the implications should we move over as a family and then separate whilst there. When we talk about living there it makes me sad and angry. However we are stalemate, we need to move out of our tiny place that is now too small for us as we have two young boys. He won’t engage in looking for a new property in the uk.

I don’t know how to move forward. Do I just give in? Do I give up my dreams to make him happy? We’ve discussed a trial year there but he has openly said it would be a trial with a view of staying where as I want it to be just a trial. I’ve asked him to sort out counselling so that we could go through that but he hasn’t (I’ve asked him to do this for about 2years now). I’m not willing to arrange this as I always sort everything out for our family and it is not my dream.

OP posts:

Shgytfgtf111 · 12/07/2022 11:27

What are your husband's reasons for wanting such a drastic move?

Original poster

ReGINerate · 12/07/2022 15:20

To be with his parents, they are very close and very supportive. They are a lovely family.
Secondly he likes the way the country is run, eg socialist living, and it does seem very appealing but almost a bit too good to be true. I like it there (when I visit) but I wonder if I would miss the excitement and eccentricity of the uk

OP posts:

Cocowatermelon · 12/07/2022 15:29

Could you actually realistically get jobs there? Without speaking the language? What would be the plan for supporting yourselves while you’re sitting those professional exams you’d need to take?

Cocowatermelon · 12/07/2022 15:30

Your concerns are all extremely valid btw.

FlowerArranger · 12/07/2022 15:31

Emigrating can break strong marriages....... never mind not so strong ones.

Don't do it unless you are sure you'd want to stay in Sweden whatever happens.

GCAcademic · 12/07/2022 15:32

How is he proposing that you support yourselves financially in Sweden given that neither of you speak the language or are qualified to work there?

Cocowatermelon · 12/07/2022 15:32

Do the Swedish links mean you are all entitled to visas to live + work + go to school there? Would you be in a super precarious position of your marriage broke down after 6-12 months? As in, would there be any danger of your kids being required to remain in Sweden and you being required to leave?

ItGetsEasierTheySay · 12/07/2022 15:35

We moved back to my home country (having not lived there for 20 years myself) from London and it's been challenging, even with a native speaker in the family.

Have you thought about job security more broadly? Are you going to have to sacrifice your professional development (and probably earning potential) for this move? If that is not a major issue it will make things easier.

Are his parents going to help you with general admin? Even if English is widely spoken, you'd be surprised how reluctant people are to speak it.

And then there is the social aspect to consider. I have found it incredibly difficult to connect with people where I am and no language barrier here!

Yes, life is definitely easier from an "ops" point of view but that's pretty much it. I'm certainly not thriving and neither is DH which is why we are going to go back to where it all began. God help us !

Tanaqui · 12/07/2022 15:41

What part of Sweden? Its gorgeous sunshine and around 25° in the south today. Education and healthcare are reasonably good, and it's easy to get to the UK for a visit. I think you should seriously consider it.

sunshinesupermum · 12/07/2022 15:47

I don't see the current way of life in Britain as either exciting or eccentric (in a good way). I do understand your view about having to learn a new language and make friends in a different country though. When we as a family moved to the USA we stayed 18 months before realising it wasn't where we wanted to bring up our daughters and came back here. You sound at a similar age/family stage as we were then but life here has deteriorated so much if I was younger I would make a move away.

However I'm with your husband in that the Swedish way of life appears better than ours, but presumably you have visited and know it well? What exactly puts you off the move apart from your marriage appearing to be less strong and some retraining needed? A trial year sounds about right and your husband should be prepared that if you and your children don't settle well after this time, to come back to the UK.

What is YOUR dream?

MsTSwift · 12/07/2022 15:51

Just do nothing let him organise it. Which it sounds like he won’t.

filka · 12/07/2022 15:54

Could you compromise on regular holidays there?

Is your too-small place rented or owned? What would you be able to afford in Sweden, either to rent or buy? My guess is that it won't be bigger...

GCAcademic · 12/07/2022 15:55

The OP has said that her marriage isn’t strong (with all that implies for being able to move back to the UK with her children if it should end), she and her husband don’t speak the language and wouldn’t be able to work there (presumably it’s going to take more than a year’s retraining to be able to function well enough in her profession of learning the language from scratch), that she doesn’t want to move, and that her husband won’t consider either counselling or a meaningful trial move. Given all this, I can’t understand why people are telling her to move.

Igmum · 12/07/2022 15:58

OMG no! From your post this would be a raging disaster. No language, no jobs, no relevant qualifications, family who May up sticks and leave again and a DH who isn't listening to you. Please don't do this, even on a trial basis. Just don't.

perimenofertility · 12/07/2022 16:06

Could you agree to consider it but only after a period of marriage counselling? If your marriage is already rocky, it seems sensible to work on that first. If would be awful if you moved, then split, and you had to move back. If you might split then better to split here and DH move without you.

daretodenim · 12/07/2022 16:16

Can you do the professional conversion courses from abroad?

Can you do a reverse expat thing which means living in the U.K. but every holiday "returning" to Sweden? Holidaying isn't the same as living somewhere but at least being there in all seasons would give you a clearer idea of things. And maybe board exams (or whatever they are) can be timed with these breaks?

IF you decide to go then there needs to be a safety net for you. Remind him (and yourself) that your "yes" is meaningless if you can't actually say "no" because you're stuck.

I would also speak to an international divorce lawyer too. Not because I think you'll divorce but because the issue with visas and where kids are habitually resident is incredibly serious. You absolutely need to know where you stand if things don't work out - for any reason - because your situation without an ability to work for a while plus moving the kids' residence plus possibly no EU passport is a vulnerable situation to be in. He has parents there, you don't. I'd also speak to an immigration lawyer based in Sweden too. You need as much information about this as possible before you even begin to think about your feelings on it.

And if DH doesn't like this, I'd be questioning how he views you, your career and your life in general. I live abroad and it's really no joke when times are hard. Add in no support (his family), no colleagues or work and a language you'll need to get competent in and it can truly be horrific. Do not go against your gut on this, whatever it tells you.

Lunificent · 12/07/2022 16:19

The fact that your marriage isn’t strong is good enough reason not to consider going.

Fenella123 · 12/07/2022 16:27

"Get GCSE Swedish and a work visa and I'll think about it" - is the reasonable response!

Sounds like the apple didn't fall far from the tree when it came to impulsiveness, but people who have irrational impulses but the diligence to do the work to see it all through are very rare.

Meanwhile I guess you carry on in the (unspoken) assumption he won't, and if challenged, just point out you are just arranging matters "for now".

It's tricky - how much do you think the Sweden thing is him avoiding thinking about his fraying marriage?

D0lphine · 12/07/2022 16:47

There is absolutely no way I'd be doing this. You don't have jobs. You can't speak the language so how are you going to get jobs? You don't know anyone except grandparents.

You need to shut this down. "No, I don't want to, but let's arrange a visit."

BeanyBops · 12/07/2022 16:48

Big red flag that he is trying to bulldoze this through seemingly regardless of your feelings.

D0lphine · 12/07/2022 16:49

Also speak to a Swedish lawyer about divorce.

UK is incredibly generous to the lower earner (mostly women) in comparison to European countries.

This could be his plan... sorry but I have seen people do worse things.

Cameronnorrieisabitofalright · 12/07/2022 16:51

Is he thinking the grass will be greener for your relationship?
Foolish if he is btw!

Eviebeans · 12/07/2022 17:21

What do you think he would say if you said "okay you obviously want to go so why don't you go (by himself)".

MarshaMelrose · 12/07/2022 17:32

Honestly, you're a long time dead and I'm all for trying new things. And moving abroad could be exciting and fun

But the reality is you'd be living in a country with a language you don't speak, without jobs, where you'd have study and take exams using technical and formal language..in a language you don't speak. Your marriage isn't strong and you're adding stress into it. You potentially could end up not having friends, no family close by, no job or struggling job wise, split up, having your children only part of the time and not be able to take them back to the uk. That sounds like a lot but that's exactly what you've outlined in your op.

There is no way I'd be going under those circumstances.

Mumoftwoinprimary · 12/07/2022 17:35

Do not go unless you are willing to stay until your children are adults. The second your plane touches down you will be trapped unless he lets you leave and take the children.

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