DH wants to move abroad, I don’t

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My DH has a dream to live in Sweden, but I am not so keen. We are both from the UK, but his family have Swedish links. After the brexit vote his parents unexpectedly moved to Sweden permanently as they were unhappy with their retirement life in the Uk. Since the the pressure for us to move there has been ever increasing. It would require a lot of effort for us to move there now (post brexit). Neither of us speak the language and as we are both professionals we would need to sit various exams to continue on our career paths or change jobs completely. Although Sweden is very appealing in many ways, I’m mostly worried about the weather, particular in the winter as I suffer severe SAD. I also worry about being lonely, I don’t find it that easy to make friends at the best of times let alone when I can’t speak a language. I have a great family and friendship circle in the uk and really don’t want to leave that. My other concern is that my husband wouldn’t be considering the move if his parents lived in the uk. They can be quite impulsive and may well moved back to the uk at any point and then we would end up being in a country with no one.

Years ago I would have agreed to a trial move despite my concerns, but in recent years our marriage isn’t as strong. I worry about the implications should we move over as a family and then separate whilst there. When we talk about living there it makes me sad and angry. However we are stalemate, we need to move out of our tiny place that is now too small for us as we have two young boys. He won’t engage in looking for a new property in the uk.

I don’t know how to move forward. Do I just give in? Do I give up my dreams to make him happy? We’ve discussed a trial year there but he has openly said it would be a trial with a view of staying where as I want it to be just a trial. I’ve asked him to sort out counselling so that we could go through that but he hasn’t (I’ve asked him to do this for about 2years now). I’m not willing to arrange this as I always sort everything out for our family and it is not my dream.

This is a very good suggestion. Just let him get on with it and don't get involved unless necessary.

A good compromise is planning lots of trips to see them. Spend serious time over there and it might be all that's needed. The other thing to remember is his parents won't be around forever and you will have given up your life here.

My main issue would be that if your marriage fails, you may be required to leave your children in school in Sweden. For me, that would be too great a risk.

I think I'd suggest spending holidays in Sweden, trying to make friends, learn the language and get to know the country better. Then you will be better able to judge, you'll know whether his parents intend to settle permanently and you'll also have a better idea of how your marriage is looking. Don't agree to anything in a hurry.

How old are your dcs?

Just another person saying no here

When we lived in France, we knew several couples of whom one had wanted to make the move, and one who just gave in and came. I would not describe any of these pairings as happy marriages, there was a lot of resentment and homesickness for the accompanying partner, and quite a lot of resentment and disappointment from the one whose original idea ( and dream) the move had been. Often the motivator blamed the ‘ passenger’ for the realisation that everything was not perfect in the new country they had chosen, if only ‘they’ had made more effort ( to learn the language, to fit in, to socialise - which usually was ex pat and heavily dependent on alcohol). Not being sexist to say that the motivator was nearly always the man….

And that was in France, where I think the culture is more accessible to the English, the language is probably easier , especially if you have some school experience, and the weather is more clement.

Suggest to him that you both learn the language well enough to sit the exams before you go. Then he can go first while you hold down a job at home and, once he's got a good enough job to support the family while you job hunt, you and the DC can join him. Given that you organise everything normally, I can pretty much guarantee that he won't get past about six weeks of trying to learn Swedish let alone get himself organised enough to sit his exams and job hunt. Even if he does power through you have given yourself at least 18 months respite from his nagging and you can still decide not to move at anytime.

Definitely suggest learning the language to exam level before going.

Surely the barrier here is financial apart from anything else. Unless you have a lot of funds to support yourself whilst learning the language. I would ask him to show how that is going to work and get him to do a spreadsheet I also wouldn't want to use the equity you have in your house as it would make the move final. So perhaps consider renting your property out. I assume you have right to live and work in Sweden as well?

Rather than argue the toss I'd go for "ok but I want these criteria met to consider it" approach and it has to be factual things he does such as confirmation of right to work and live there, full financial plan for 2 to 3 years, start language learning to a certain level and anything else that makes you more comfortable. Then sit back whilst he doesn't organise it!

If hes desperate to move there, and your marriage isnt quite as strong as it should be, then maybe its worth considering gently discussing him moving without you

I suspect the pressure is because his parents are lonely and maybe regretting the move. Moving to a country to retire when you don't need to earn money and converse in the language is very different to moving there to earn money. I wouldn't go. If husband wants a country with a more left wing government you could just move to Scotland but governments are temporary

Also you will end up seeing a lot of his parents who will become dependent on you and take their son's side which won't help the marriage

I've known Swedish people who spent a lot of time in East Asia in the darker months, maybe you could suggest committing to hiring villas in places like Thailand all together every year during the holidays which might let them get a bit of sun and also be nice time spent together.

If you moved there and later split up, would you be able to bring the DC back to Britain without his permission?