Moving back to the UK from sydney

[beingsunny]

So I've been in sydney for 13 years now, I have citizenship, a great job with good flexibility, I rent my apartment because despite my good salary it's unaffordable to buy in my area. I'm happy ish with that.

Since moving here (as a backpacker) I've married (the boy from my hometown I came here with) had a child (he's almost 10 now) got divorced about 6 years ago, and perhaps most significant left an abusive relationship about 4 months ago.

I have a longing to move home, I can't shake it. I'm in therapy, I'm generally quite happy, but I miss my family so much, the sadness of my son having no grandparents or cousins here has always been there but it's getting worse.

Am I insane for even thinking about moving back?

I've been away so long I don't think I can even imagine what it would be like.

I'm coming home for a 3.5 week visit in 8 weeks, it's all I can think about.

You would potentially be disrupting the lives of your ex, his partner and your son if you all move back. It's a big decision. Hopefully this trip back will help you work out what you want.

@StartupRepair yes I'm completely aware of that, it's not a decision I would take lightly. I know how huge this could be, hence being here, I need to talk about it and my friends and family all will say come home we are desperate to have you here and friends here would want me to stay. So I'm just trying to work through my thoughts, I'm not selfish and I do get the magnitude of this.

OP it sounds as if this feeling has emerged after coming out of your abusive relationship. Do not make any decisions yet, come back on holiday and see how your siblings and their dc are living. I don't mean this in a nasty way, but I'm assuming that your ds hasn't grown up as part of your maternal family, so it might not be the bed of roses you are imagining.

Sometimes when you return from living overseas it is not easy to slip back into routines with friends or even family. They are not used to assigning time for you into busy lives and you have to make an effort to be included.
None of this easy. Maybe think that you and your boy are lucky to have two countries where you can make a good life.

Thank you everyone for your replaced, it feels like a bit of an impossible situation right now.

And yes, I'm worried that this may be an emotional fallout from coming out of an abusive relationship, I could really do with support right now and people that love me and they are all so far away. Zoom call really aren't the same 🙁

I left NZ to return to the UK with two DC (11 & 6) when I split from their British father. I totally get what you mean about the lifestyle, freedom, beach after school and so on, but for me, family trumped all that.
Now that my children are older and have very close relationships with their cousins, aunts and uncles, I know I made the right decision. Had we stayed, the children would be Kiwis now, with distant relationships with family and I'd never have been able to return as the children would have been so settled.
Sometimes when it's bleak here I miss the beauty of New Zealand, but only fleetingly; I have a beautiful house which I own and a good career I wouldn't have had out there.
However, I wasn't walking away from a 70K job.
It's a really hard decision, I feel for you and hope you work it out and feel happy with your choice.

I'm Australian and my Mother abducted me when I was a child and moved me to the UK without my Father's conscent and it was horrific. They weren't separated or divorced BTW, he had no idea she was unhappy and she put her happiness above that of my brothers and I and honestly it messed us all up pretty badly and relationships never recovered. My husband and I considered moving to Oz a couple years ago but I said was there anywhere in the UK he thought we could be happy first as visas etc are expensive and I didn't want to move all the way to Oz only to discover we would have been happy in a town in England. So instead of immigrating we moved to his home town where his entire family live, we wanted to be closer to our nieces and nephews and had felt we were missing out in the past as we lived several hours away. We have lived in this town over a year now and yes we see his family at Christmas and will see them at Easter but honestly we are all so busy with our own lives that we really don't see them often at all, we use to Skype with them more regularly than this and now know less about the ins and outs of their lives than we did before. We are now going back down the visa route and immigrating. We now have a baby and want the better life Australia offers for him. Growing up I never felt like I missed out family wise, my Grandparents flew over every few years and I knew them far better than my cousins who lived in the same country as them. I found when people came over for a holiday we spent quality time together but when people live close you take it for granted and don't see them nearly as often as you think you will. It might be that my husband's family is not the norm in how often they see each other but I would think very carefully about this, it isn't something that you can easily go back on and Australia is a pretty amazing country. Maybe try and think of the pros and cons that aren't centred around other people as circumstances change, you could move here and then your family could move to Spain. See if you think you would be happy without the people here and what other advantages you feel there are living in England, proximity to Europe for example. I think basing happiness around other people is a mistake as things change. It didn't work out for my mum, she had so many more friends in Oz, once we moved we stopped visiting family, we weren't the people over from Australia for a few weeks so everyone thought they'd catch up with us later. My mum will now have to work forever as her pension here is not what it would have been in Australia. Think long and hard about this and I hope whatever decision you make is right for you and your son.

It's a tough one. I lived overseas for 19 years(Dubai) and my DD was born there. But I knew I would always come back to UK at some point. Her dad was more of the EOW set up and agreed to us relocating.

We moved when she was 11. The first year was hard. However it is the best thing I could have done for her. She has blossomed back here. Enjoys the diversity of not being in private school. Has great friends, part time job, likes the real life of being in a big city etc.

However, for me I don't really see people as much as I thought I would other than my mum. Everyone has established lives, jobs, kids, live in different suburbs, have different routines to me because their kids are younger etc. so don't romanticise this close knit extended family idea. Life is much more hectic and busy these days than when we were kids.

The UK is not perfect but it is a good place to raise kids, get a good education and career.

I would enjoy your holiday and then take stock.

I totally get the pull of family. Dh and I are both not from the UK or the same country. It got to the point where I couldn't see any reason for us being in the UK on our own anymore.

After 9 years in London, we moved home to Australia 3 years ago and I couldn't be happier.

@1stTimeMummy2021 this is exactly what I'm afraid of, when we do visit, everyone makes time to see us as we are a novelty, I'm not sure how that pans out if we actually live there, I would have to live close by, but I also know how when you are on the doorstep actually you may see family less often and without the quality time of a month long trip a couple of times a year. It's so hard.

@beingsunny I totally get where you're coming from, as I've been in a similar situation. As another poster said, use your trip back 'home' to explore the practicalities around work/location/schools etc. In the meantime, I'd also recommend making an appointment to talk to a lawyer specialising in Family Law to understand the legal process that you would have to go through in Australia. Best of luck with whatever you decide to do.

We moved back from Aus to be closer to friends and family when I was pregnant with DC1. We regretted it instantly and realized our family relationships weren’t as solid as we thought.

We moved abroad again, not Aus, after 5 years, and been happy ever since, and can’t imagine living back in the UK really.

Another thought - is a long visit - say 6 months - doable? Sabbatical / LSL? That would give you an idea of the lifestyle without the commitment.

An extended visit isn't on the cards but may be a good option, thanks for the suggestion. Problem with holidays is it's really not a true reflection of living somewhere, we will be a bit of a novelty being around for just 3/4 weeks so 6-12 months may be a good option and an easier conversation to have with my sons dad.

I live round the corner from my parents and sister. Sometimes it can be 3 or 4 weeks between seeing them because our lives are all busy and we are not necessarily free at the same times.

I moved back after 7 years abroad in a beautiful country, beaches, great lifestyle etc. Although my situation was slightly different, I just needed to be home with family and friends. I don't regret my decision once! Judy because we all speak English it doesn't mean there aren't huge cultural differences between us and Australians. I found it much easier to male friends once I was back in the UK and the familiarity and sense of belonging was overwhelming. Unless you have had this experience I don't think people can understand it.

I do think you should sow a seed that you are struggling with your ex. He needs time to adjust too and use your visit soon to confirm what you think.

Good luck.

I think it would be very hard on your son. Very very very hard. Children here don’t usually just meet up and play. They go to school then to an activity then home to play on ipad / phones / watch tv. They spend a huge amount of time inside. State schools are underfunded and massively struggling with post-lockdown behaviour problems (bullying is rife, mental health problems are sky high) and private schools cost a fortune. But that isn’t even the biggest problem…

If you do come back make sure you can afford private health insurance for your whole family, including private dentistry, the NHS has fallen apart. My friend’s daughter waited one year for “urgent” heart surgery and didn’t get it until it became “emergency” (this was pre-pandemic). My DD’s hospital appointment which we waited 2 months for has just been cancelled because “we’re closing this hospital, go back to your GP and start again.”

Food banks oversubscribed everywhere, incompetent government paralysed by in-fighting and indecision, energy bills rising by £600-£700 this year, house prices at record high. Oh yeah and we’re sending troops to the Russian border, expect that will go brilliantly 😐 England is not the country you left. This isn’t just a moan: things are genuinely much worse than they were.

You miss your family - your son doesn’t, he’s happy and settled where he is. I think it would be incredibly selfish to move him to a much worse country because you miss your relatives. What about him missing his birthplace and all his friends and the outdoor life and the sunshine?! And, looking to his future, I’d want him reaching adulthood in the country with better economy and healthcare. You don’t miss access to healthcare and competent government until they’re gone...

Northern Beaches?

We moved back 15 years ago because it’s too far. To give them credit all the lovely grandparents we moved back for are still thriving and the now grown up dcs have done well, but I do wonder what live would be like if we’d stayed 💔

Children here don’t usually just meet up and play. They go to school then to an activity then home to play on ipad / phones / watch tv

I think this is hugely area dependent

Something to consider: it is estimated that in a few decades, most of Australia will be unlivable because of the rising temperatures. Personally, I love the sun, but anything over 35 is a killer for me.

@Thirtytimesround

I think it would be very hard on your son. Very very very hard. Children here don’t usually just meet up and play. They go to school then to an activity then home to play on ipad / phones / watch tv. They spend a huge amount of time inside. State schools are underfunded and massively struggling with post-lockdown behaviour problems (bullying is rife, mental health problems are sky high) and private schools cost a fortune. But that isn’t even the biggest problem…

If you do come back make sure you can afford private health insurance for your whole family, including private dentistry, the NHS has fallen apart. My friend’s daughter waited one year for “urgent” heart surgery and didn’t get it until it became “emergency” (this was pre-pandemic). My DD’s hospital appointment which we waited 2 months for has just been cancelled because “we’re closing this hospital, go back to your GP and start again.”

Food banks oversubscribed everywhere, incompetent government paralysed by in-fighting and indecision, energy bills rising by £600-£700 this year, house prices at record high. Oh yeah and we’re sending troops to the Russian border, expect that will go brilliantly 😐 England is not the country you left. This isn’t just a moan: things are genuinely much worse than they were.

You miss your family - your son doesn’t, he’s happy and settled where he is. I think it would be incredibly selfish to move him to a much worse country because you miss your relatives. What about him missing his birthplace and all his friends and the outdoor life and the sunshine?! And, looking to his future, I’d want him reaching adulthood in the country with better economy and healthcare. You don’t miss access to healthcare and competent government until they’re gone...

Gosh, I never realised I lived in such an awful country.

II am truly sorry about your dd. but I guess we all have anecdotes about health care. My friend is today having surgery and we are all amazed at how quickly it has been arranged, and her diagnosis before then. Ditto her DH who is also needing treatment - also dealt with promptly.

I lived in Australia for 2 years on an extended working holiday visa and I was surprised at how I got sick of the endless “great” weather and how much I missed the UK’s seasons, architecture and so many other things. I loved Australia but I did want to return, with all its warts (all countries have good and bad things).

A hard one, OP 💐

I moved back from Sydney with 2 DC but younger than yours, for family reasons. I don't think lifestyle advantages can make up for the benefits of personal relationships that can't be replicated by conducting them over zoom instead of in person.

[quote beingsunny]@1stTimeMummy2021 this is exactly what I'm afraid of, when we do visit, everyone makes time to see us as we are a novelty, I'm not sure how that pans out if we actually live there, I would have to live close by, but I also know how when you are on the doorstep actually you may see family less often and without the quality time of a month long trip a couple of times a year. It's so hard.[/quote]
There is a lot of truth in this and we certainly found that to be the case when we moved back to the UK after six years living overseas. With regards to friends, again I found that they'd make time for a meal when we were visiting from overseas, but once we were back living here permanently we found we saw less of them. The people we see regularly now are here, in the place we moved to, where our life is. We still have old friends, but they're not a huge part of our social life.

As for UK bashing on MN - it's legend and I often don't recognise the terrible place that some posters describe! You'd think we lived in Mogadishu from some of the grim, dystopian descriptions of the UK. The truth is that for many of us, living in the UK is an active choice and while nowhere is perfect (and the UK has certainly had its challenges over the past few years), it could well be the place you'll be happiest. Only you can answer that.

We moved back here for family, schools, travel and lifestyle and 12 years later we have no regrets. I mean sure, I often wish the weather was better, particularly in winter, but wherever you live, life's what you make it. Whether you move back to the UK or stay in Australia, if you have no friends I suggest you make a bit of effort. Join things, get involved, be an active member of your community. Go litter picking, join a running club, volunteer at your DS's school, join a knit and natter group, but don't spend any more months sitting at home alone. No wonder you miss you family!

I think the sadness and the hankering for home are all yours. Your son is to all intents and purposes an Australian - born there, growing up there, has lived his whole life there. He wouldn't be going back home, he'd be emigrating. I totally get that you are feeling nostalgic about the UK - I live in France (much closer, but it has felt much farther during the pandemic). But don't underestimate how difficult moving back can be - we went back after ten years away and found it felt like a very different place. Going back to live is not the same as going on holiday. It's not just the place that has changed, but you will have changed too after 13 years. You are not going back to your old life (footloose, fancy free and planning a backpacking adventure) you are going back as a single parent, looking for a job, schools, somewhere to live and finding everyone has moved on in their lives and but expects you to easily slot back in and won't understand why you might struggle to do so. Your son is used to having relatives on the other side of the world for Zoom calls and very occasional visits. That's his normal. When you describe your home and your salary it sounds as if you have made a good life for yourself out there despite your divorce which must have been difficult and particularly the abusive relationship that followed. I am so glad to hear you are out of that, but don't make that a knee-jerk reaction for rushing "home". I think it's great that you have got a trip to the UK coming up - see how you feel when you get there. I wish you good luck whatever you decide. For what it's worth, I think the joy of any expatriation is always slightly tempered by a longing for home. I suspect if you move back to the UK that longing might be replaced by a homesickness for Australia.

@beingsunny
I would really think hard about returning. Things are not great in the U.K and I have had two lots of friends return in the last 5 years. They both deeply regret returning and despite being around family, mourn the life they gave up.

Schooling will be a challenge when you return as usually the good schools are packed. You will be trying to get your child into a school mid year so will be lucky if you get a good one.

I would really think hard and certainly don't do it unless your ex is up for it as well given the shared parenting.

Both my friends are now looking at returning now Aus has opened its boarders