Parents Visiting After Baby is Born - How do we do this?

[allfurcoatnoknickers]

I'm 21 weeks pregnant and due in June. I live in NYC and my parents are planning to visit from the UK after the baby is born, but I can't figure out how to make the trip un-stressful at all for all of us.

My parents want to be close to my apartment in Manhattan, but don't want to rent a legal Air BnB, think the hotels are too expensive and want to have their own kitchen. I don't think what they want exists, but how much help do I give them?

Their latest idea is that they'll spend all their time in my apartment and use the kitchen to cook their meals as they don't want to eat out, but I find the idea of having them hanging around all the time a bit stressful.

My Mum even says she doesn't want to do anything in NY except see the baby - she's not even interested in seeing me How do I navigate this without us murdering each-other. It's already stressing me out and I still have months to go!

What type of relationship do you have with your parents and how often do you visit each other normally?

Hi Allfur this is a tricky one. I can't help on the specifics around accommodation but I can provide my experience of living abroad with a newborn and parents coming to visit.

My parents arrived just before the baby was born, and given my dad's disability he isn't able to walk up/down stairs easily, so could only do it once (i.e. arrival and departure) and while my parents stayed with us (in our third floor flat) they didn't leave. For 2 weeks! I mean literally they didn't leave the flat. It wasn't supposed to be like this, but for complicated reasons it was.

In the end it was absolutely fine. DH was also on paternity leave, so the house felt full. But my DM did all the grocery shopping and cooking (all meals, for everyone), all the cleaning and tidying, and I got a lot of sleep as they were always there to mind the baby while DH and I napped. If when DH and I needed a break we just took the baby for a walk. DPs stayed in, watched tv, played with the baby and it was actually great. It certainly took the pressure off us to host, or to be useful as they took over. Some people might hate that (I thought I was one of those people up until that point) but it was just what we needed. DM also batch cooked more food for the freezer, on top of what I'd done on mat leave prior to birth, so we were really well stocked.

It's a slightly different situation to yours, but I would ask - if they are cooking their own meals at your place, can you assume they'll be cooking for you too? Do you have that sort of relationship where they will actually be helpful (beyond cooing at the baby), like buy loo roll and clean the dishes? Do you have the type of relationship where you can take a break with DP and DB to have some time on your own? If so, you'll be fine.

Best of luck with the rest of your pregnancy and the birth

@Justagirlwholovesaboy Good, although not close, relationship with my dad, very strained with my mum. I've been living here for 5 years and they've visited twice, but I've been over to see them at least once a year. The last couple of trips were so fraught though, that DH has requested that we don't stay with them any more, since it's so difficult and unpleasant.

@Catren are your parents available on time share? They sound amazing!

Tricky...

If you look at apart hotels or chains with "Suites" in the name, you might find something like your parents are after. Obviously Manhattan hotels are ridiculously priced, but maybe somewhere a bit further out but with decent transport connections might be feasible?

Allfur that sounds like a tricky relationship - I'm surprised they want to spend so much time together with you if it's so hard. Maybe they didn't find it that bad. Poor you. I'd say you'll need to lay out some ground rules if they end up doing as they've suggested - you're not hosting them, they're there to help you as much as to see the baby. If that sounds too much like hard work for them, then you can legitimately say that their plan doesn't sound right for you (use the lovely mn trope - "that doesnt work for us"), and you can help them find the kind of place that will suit everyone.

justagirl lol they certainly have their flaws too, but that couple of weeks they definitely delivered the goods!

@Catren In theory I can see my dad cooking for all of us, however, I think the realities of having to buy, and then schlep home groceries in NYC might be problematic. I also know that my mother will expect me to reimburse them for the food, or at least kick up an enormous fuss about how much she's spent and expect me to be pathetically grateful.

I suppose I could head all of this off by ordering Fresh Direct for delivery and then hoping they'll cook what I've bought...

Your parents are coming over and spending money to do so just to see you and baby. Your DH doesn’t want them staying because you’ve had issues and he doesn’t like them. You can’t have it both ways. You can tell them not to come if you don’t want to see them. Or if you want them to come then you need to explain this to DH. If you can find local accommodation where they can still spend time with you then great. You don’t have to choose between parents and husband, husband should be the one trying to make this happen for you now

Recipe boxes might be the answer then! We had a joint kitty with dps to cover the groceries, so they didn't pay for it all, and that was fine by me really. Also, you might find your tolerance for nonsense (e.g. having to be pathetically grateful) increases when there's a bundle of joy being passed around. I know i sound crazily optimistic but everyone does go a bit soft and doolally with a newborn asleep on their neck...

@OlennasWimple I pointed them in the direction of a few near me, but got told they were much too expensive. I also, at their request, sent them links to my closest hotels, which are only a few blocks away, and got complaints that those were too far!

I do cringe at how expensive the hotels near me are, and understand their unwillingness to stay there, but I can't magic up a cheap one out of nowhere.

I'm pushing for somewhere further out with decent transport connections - we're on the West Side so Jersey could be a viable option, but they won't hear of it.

They’ve visited twice so I assume they normally stay with you? Could this really not happen this time?

@Justagirlwholovesaboy only coming to see baby "You're not interesting any more, we're not coming to see you" and they can't stay because we live in a Manhattan one bed and there's nowhere to put them, not because DH says they can't stay here.

Honestly, the idea of the whole visit makes me anxious. I'm half hoping they'll just never get their act together to visit.

Then tell them not to visit, that you’ll come over once baby is big enough. Or if you don’t want them in your life the you can tell them that too. It doesn’t sound like never seeing them will matter much to you

Have you joined any Facebook groups for parents in your neighborhood? People often post about subletting their own apts for a week or two for this very purpose.

Otherwise I’d go the Fresh Direct route, order enough for all of you to begin with. If they don’t like it, they can do the next ship on your account.

Weathershould be good when they’re here. Hopefully they’ll take the baby out for walks between feeds and give you a chance to shower/ rest/ eat in peace!

Bit harsh, Justagirl

I'm guessing that if the OP was still living in the UK, her parents would come and visit the OP and their new grandchild very soon after they are born and then a couple more times in the following few weeks. But because she lives in the US, that isn't really feasible. If they come over, it's not worth doing for less than a week and it will probably be some months before they will get to see everyone in person again.

But the OP lives where she does, and I doubt many MNers would actually want their parents spending all day in their small apartment for weeks and weeks

OP - any scope for embellishing the situation with your medical aftercare, so that you get some respite? So they can't be there all the time because you need to have a visit from a midwife, or similar?

I don’t see how this is harsh, she pointed out that even when looking at close accommodation when hoped they would cancel. This will be a lot of money for them. Therefore is it not best to be honest or but off a visit until she and baby can travel?

@7salmonswimming @Catren I think the Fresh Direct and recipe boxes might be the way to go. There's a Whole Foods a couple of blocks away too, if I do the main shop and they want to add "bits".

I'm on my local parents FB group, but it's not very active. I might have to join a few more for the next neighbourhoods over, to see if those are any better.

@Justagirlwholovesaboy nothing to cancel, they haven't booked anything yet. I've been as much help as I can, but I'd rather they didn't come, rather than come and hate every second, be miserable and blame me.

@OlennasWimple Eh, I've had harsher from the guy in my local bagel shop when I asked for my bagel toasted

And you're right - having them pop over for short visits post-baby would be great, but that's not the situation I'm in since we live 3000 Miles apart.

I have had a very rough pregnancy (still being sick at 21 weeks.) so needing a break for medical reasons isn't out of the realm of possibility. My OB has flagged me as being at risk of PPD, so I'll need to go and see the mental health team anyway...

Can you suggest them coming when the baby is a little older and going away together (ie somewhere bigger and not NYC?). Or will you be back at work very early and/or is that too expensive ab idea? Newborns are lovely but there is more potential grandparenting to be done when they’re a little older.

It sounds like it could be rather tricky, and if it’s all about the baby then I suspect it will leave you feeling even worse.

Then it sounds like they shouldn’t come, won’t waste their money or stress you out. Maybe arrange a visit in the future when you feel like it will be better

What's the issue with Airbnb? Is it because its someones house, or something more fundamental?

I obviously dont know which bit of Manhattan you live, or the dates. But a search on booking.com suggests apartments and studios are available in June. If it was a block, all rented out, might that be a mid ground between the cost and you not having enough space?

Nothing wrong with them not staying with you.

OP I hear you loud and clear! I also live an 8 hour flight from my parents. Relationships ok but not amazing.

Having your parents live with you, cheek by jowl, for 2,3 or even 4 weeks is incredibly testing for everyone!!!

When DD was born my parents didn't visit until she was 4 months old. I told them we wanted time to ourselves and they had to accept it. Thank god we did this. She was a terrible sleeper and even at 4 months still waking many many times in the night. I couldn't have done that with my parents there.

And before anyone says oh they could help, this really depends on the parents! My mum said she would help me with the night feeds..then she arrived and realized quite how horrific they were and never got up once!

It's always very claustrophobic when they visit, and we had a 3 bedroom house when DD was born. No way could I have done it in a one bedroom apartment.

Why not tell them to wait a little..use the excuse of a screaming baby and the New York summer if it helps?!? Then you'll have some time to get yourself together and be stronger when they do descend.

Good luck. It's not easy being an expat.

@WinterHeatWave the AirBnB laws in the city are pretty Byzantine, but in short, unless the owner is there, you can't rent a whole apartment for less than 30 days. And they, not unreasonably, only want to come for 2 weeks and don't want to share a space with anyone.

I've found studios on booking.com too, but all suggestions so far have been rejected as too far/too expensive. They basically want a studio by/on the Highline for $100 a night but they don't exist!!

@OnceUponAGiraffe funnily enough, meeting for a holiday somewhere together is our strategy for when the baby is older. I only get 3/4 months leave though, and I'll have to use most of my vacation for that, so won't be going anywhere for a while after that .