Parents Visiting After Baby is Born - How do we do this?

[allfurcoatnoknickers]

I'm 21 weeks pregnant and due in June. I live in NYC and my parents are planning to visit from the UK after the baby is born, but I can't figure out how to make the trip un-stressful at all for all of us.

My parents want to be close to my apartment in Manhattan, but don't want to rent a legal Air BnB, think the hotels are too expensive and want to have their own kitchen. I don't think what they want exists, but how much help do I give them?

Their latest idea is that they'll spend all their time in my apartment and use the kitchen to cook their meals as they don't want to eat out, but I find the idea of having them hanging around all the time a bit stressful.

My Mum even says she doesn't want to do anything in NY except see the baby - she's not even interested in seeing me How do I navigate this without us murdering each-other. It's already stressing me out and I still have months to go!

My 3 kids have been born overseas, the 1st NZ the last one in Australia. For my 1st my parents came before and stayed about 6 weeks, we lived in apartment so my dad suggested that we put a notice up on the noticeboard in the lobby to see if anyone was interested in subletting for a month or so and luckily got an apartment in the same building a couple of floors down. For our last baby there was a bit of a gap so we didn't feel the need for them to come straight away to help out so we asked them to wait a couple of weeks while we got used to being a family of 5 and they stayed in an Air BnB at the end of our road. They stay there every time now for some of their stay.

I live overseas, in NZ and my parents came over at the newborn stage . I thought I would need the help but it turned out there’s not a lot to do with a newborn . They sleep a lot and I found I just sat around feeding and sleeping. I became irritated with them being around all the time and wanted it to be me and DP in the evenings . It was good to have them do laundry but I ended up cooking anyway as parents have different ideas about food. My dad seemed to want the baby to interact , trying to pull faces and do peek- a boo but newborns don’t interact like that. I think now that they should have waited until the baby was older( I thjnk my Dad got bored , sitting around my apartment ) .Then they could take her out in the pram and to the park . With my newborn I was very protective and didn’t want her to go out without me. The second visit when she was older was much more relaxed. Could you suggest them coming when he baby is a bit older - smiling , playing etc.?

@sunbunnydownunder Oh I wish AirBnB were a viable option. and unfortunately my Co-op Board doesn't allow short term sub-lets, and since I'm on the board I can't really go around violating my own co-op's rules.

I can see why they are reluctant to airbnb it, but I guess they have 3 choices - have the owner present, take the hit and pay, or not come until baby is big enough to go on holiday somewhere.
Good luck getting g them to see the 3 possibilities.

PS how close is this??

3km from Highline

@WinterHeatWave it's close! But over the river in New Jersey and they won't stay anywhere that's not Manhattan unfortunately.

@Pinkhorses I'm seeing the "wait 'till the baby is older" advice come up a lot. Maybe that's the way forward.

Not quite sure how to broach the subject though. My mother already tried hassling me for a c-section so she could be here for the actual birth, so it took a lot of persuading to even get to book flights after the baby is born.

I can see why they are reluctant to airbnb it, but I guess they have 3 choices - have the owner present, take the hit and pay, or not come until baby is big enough to go on holiday somewhere.

This. Give them the options, let them sort themselves out. You and the baby are the priority here. If they want to come and visit after the birth they need to cut down the drama and look at practical options. I suggest you stop offering alternatives, since that gives them the chance to reject things out of hand after you've put in the legwork.

My mother already tried hassling me for a c-section so she could be here for the actual birth

Do you see how nuts this sounds? You're not here for your mother's entertainment/convenience!

I think the thing to do is tell them they are welcome to visit ASAP but you don’t t have the energy right now to help plan the trip.

Tell them if they want to wait until the baby is older you’ll be far more capable of helping.

Ball in their court and you can relax

@EssentialHummus I am aware this sounds nuts, but unfortunately it's par for the course with her 

@Whoops75 Good idea. I think I need to stop being so helpful and just let them get on with it.

I was just about to say that, @allfurcoatnoknickers - you've given them lots of help, they know their options, it's up to them now. They're grown adults and presumably have managed to book trips/holidays before, let them work our what they want to do.

By the way, as much as I love my folks, I would NOT want to have them in my apartment for two weeks solid, especially after having a baby 😬

@RedPandaFluff Agreed! Also, if they're at my flat all the time with no break, we'll barely be able to have other visitors drop by - there won't be anywhere for them to sit!

Our apartment is fairly large by Manhattan standards, but by normals standards it's a shoebox. It's also a duplex, with no door between up and downstairs, so not a lot of opportunity for peace and quiet unless you shut yourself in one of the bathrooms

I really think your best bet is to go away somewhere with them.

Bring them up to Maine at the start of September - lots of accommodation available, and the weather's lovely.

When I lived in Brooklyn local people would sublet their places when they went on vacation and advertise only on the local parents Facebook group specifically stating it would be perfect for visiting parents. It was usually an affordable way to get an airbnb type situation, often it involved watering plants or taking care of a cat so was a glorified housesitting gig. I did it for my inlaws a few times and it worked great, I was able to meet the people renting in advance, get the keys, check out the place etc. I don't know if your area has a similar message board/group but it could be worth a try

They sound really difficult. I think you need to decide what you want and prefer rather than trying to jump through hoops trying to manage their expectations. Present a couple of options to them (that work for you) and take a step back. Tell that that they are the only options that will work for you.

I personally think waiting until the baby is a bit older and all going away together is the best option. We did that when my (now) ex in laws came to meet my twins. They came when they were two months old and we rented a beach house for twi weeks. It’s one of my fondest memories now.

I have no practical advice unfortunately but what I will say is that you'll never get those first few weeks with your newborn back again so do whatever works best for you and don't worry about upsetting anyone or putting their plans out. Despite everyone's advice to not have visitors until at least a week after bringing the baby home I felt too guilty to keep my Mum away and she arrived to stay the day after we got home from hospital. She lives far from us (but in the same country) and isn't at all practical/self sufficient so we were cooking dinner for her and making cups of tea while reeling from our new reality. She ignored me, didn't even ask how I was after having a c-section, and was completely obsessed with my daughter, always wanting to hold her. I had to ask to have her in my arms and spent many hours alone in the bedroom pumping milk (my daughter wouldn't latch initially) and crying. It was awful and upsets me so much to this day. I feel as though I lost the first week of her life. It's totally ruined a never that great relationship with my Mum and I just put on a show that everything is fine when inside I'm seething and burning! The midwife said to me that don't have anyone around you who isn't going to either wash dishes/cook food/clean clothes etc. I've heard another person say that the best visitors at that stage are those that ignore the baby! Sorry this has turned into a bit of a waffle but my experience affected me so much I always feel really worried for others when facing this dilemma!

Well, the c section comment is obviously nuts, but does raise a valid issue. How do your parents know which two weeks to come over for? You don’t want them hanging around in your apt doing nothing for 13 days then needing rushing to the airport the day you go into labour.

Let the baby arrive, let a couple of weeks pass, then tell them to sort themselves out. Send them a photo of how cluttered your apt is with baby stuff (it will be!) before they book their flights.

I think that babies are far better value when they're at least 2 mo and interacting more. Plus you'll be confident parents by then instead of all trying to figure out why she is crying and trying not to cry yourselves .

It would have done my head in to have my parents staying (which essentially is what yours are planning to do) when my children were just born. You need some time and space for yourself and if they're not making themselves useful (hard to do that all day in a small flat) then they'll be a nuisance. If they were happy to come round for an hour a couple of times a day but stay out the rest of the time, that would be much better.

@7salmonswimming Well originally my mother was demanding to know the exact date, and she's still insisting that closer to the time the doctor will be able to give us a date however, eventually I talked them round to booking the flight once the baby actually arrives.

Thanks all. I think that waiting longer and going away somewhere might be the solution, as it'll remove a lot of the stressors. Both of my parents absolutely loathe New York, and my mother hates my apartment, so getting out of the city might be the best bet for some peace.

I am aware this sounds nuts, but unfortunately it's par for the course with her sad

Sorry not to reply sooner OP. I think - and I speak as somebody with an equally difficult mother - that this is an IDEAL time in your life to re-route the course somewhat. "Parents, as you know, I'm in the middle of a difficult pregnancy, and will soon have a new baby. I can't combine this with sorting out your visit accommodation, and our apartment just can't fit us all in those early sleepless days. Let's check in about this in [August] and plan a trip that everyone will enjoy."

My mother really threw her shit around ahead of DD's birth - requested then demanded to attend the birth, demanded to be there immediately after (she lives abroad, we lived on a literal building site), then got the hump massively when we said no. You don't have to accede to every demand. She's an adult, just like you, and you're under no obligation to accommodate her demands. This is a great time to re-chart the course a bit.

I can't help with any New York suggestions (though the idea of looking into people wanting to sublet while they're on holiday sounds good, if possible) but I also live in another country to my family, and they were similarly enthusiastic about visiting my baby (less so, visiting me...) I would strongly suggest you put them off until the baby is bigger. Newborn babies aren't at all interactive, and you'll probably be stressed and tired. And probably bleeding lochia and possibly still working out breast feeding, if that's the route you go down. You won't be great company, your baby won't need or want to be away from you, and it sounds like your mother is never good company, even at the best of times. If you're at risk of PPD anyway, I think your parents coming for 2 weeks solid could make that more likely - it would drive me insane now, let alone during those early horribly sleep deprived days.

You don't have to let your mum have everything she wants. Or anything, really, if it doesn't also work for you. Let her tantrum - she's a long way away and she will eventually get over it. You and your baby are the important people here, just this once, no matter what anyone else tries to tell you. It really is ok to be selfish on this. You might only do this once, you don't want to look back and be angry about your parents' inconsiderate behaviour. (And it doesn't sound like they're going to be very considerate...)

We had a very similar situation. Our NY apartment was way too small and my parents rented a Air BnB round the corner from us in the end

I'm not too hot on the law now, but the thing about the owner being present, is that in the building or the apt itself? I ask because we've always rented out air bnbs that are inlaw / grandma apartments so the owners lived up / downstair and rented out the studio / 1 bed in the building, which made it legal. As they own the building there was also no issue with sub leasing and draconian co=op boards

Saying that tho, we never managed to get anything less than $150-180 a night (Park slope tho, so prices were daft)

I have to say, I have a relatively ok relationship with my parents but we're not that close day to day. They did their best but they drove me batshit for two weeks (sorry, probably not what you want to hear..!)

They came over 3 weeks after he was due, which ended up being 5 weeks after he was born as he was early. Being in a different country, not being v mobile, not wanting to 'get in the way' by emptying dishwasher etc was all actually not much help and created more work and I felt like I did need to entertain a bit as they'd come all this way

I second presenting three options (if there is that many!) and make them choose so its on them. Also seconding britinnyc comment about joining the local parent forum for ideas- park slope parents was brilliant for stuff like this (not sure where you are in NYC but Manhattan has a similar group)

I would go very passive on this. Stop making suggestions, stop offering alternatives. Let them drive the bus. If they really want to come and see you, they will figure it out, they are fully grown adults. If they dont really want to come and see you, they wont organize anything and then you will know where you stand. Dont suggest a visit later, dont look for a sublet, dont compromise your and your baby’s well being post birth unless they are showing genuine delight and interest along side a healthy dose of thoughful consideration for you, DH and baby.