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Parents Visiting After Baby is Born - How do we do this?

61 replies

allfurcoatnoknickers · 04/02/2019 02:41

I'm 21 weeks pregnant and due in June. I live in NYC and my parents are planning to visit from the UK after the baby is born, but I can't figure out how to make the trip un-stressful at all for all of us.

My parents want to be close to my apartment in Manhattan, but don't want to rent a legal Air BnB, think the hotels are too expensive and want to have their own kitchen. I don't think what they want exists, but how much help do I give them?

Their latest idea is that they'll spend all their time in my apartment and use the kitchen to cook their meals as they don't want to eat out, but I find the idea of having them hanging around all the time a bit stressful.

My Mum even says she doesn't want to do anything in NY except see the baby - she's not even interested in seeing me How do I navigate this without us murdering each-other. It's already stressing me out and I still have months to go!

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allfurcoatnoknickers · 06/02/2019 16:33

@LittleMy77 My parents are horrified by the size of my apartment, which doesn't help  . Those rentals are legal, so maybe I'll tell
Them that's what they need to look for and then leave it at that.

@SeaToSki I'll definitely go passive. I feel like every suggestions has been rejected so far, so it's the best thing I can do. My mother's latest demand is that we buy a three bed apartment so they can come and visit whenever they like. HAHAHAHAHA, maybe when I win the lottery, given Manhattan property prices...

@MumInBrussels I am fully prepared to be a mess for the first few weeks. And the idea of having people cluttering up my apartment and criticizing everything I do fills me with dread tbh. I agree that they'll get more out of it when the baby is older and more interactive.

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MumInBrussels · 06/02/2019 16:56

Sorry, that sounded very pessimistic of me, reading it back. And maybe a bit patronising - I didn't mean to be. I was just surprised by how grim I felt, and how utterly shocked by it all I was - you might be better prepared! But even so, I wouldn't have them to stay if you can possibly avoid it - you (or your husband) might need to walk the baby around for a while at night, which will be trickier if they're there, and I was a sobbing wreck for much of the early days, because of the lack of sleep and the relentlessness of it all - easier to handle if you don't also have judgmental parents passing comment and making "helpful" suggestions. (If you do find it hard in the early days, I should say that it got much easier with time, and we had our second a few months ago; it's much easier second time round!)

allfurcoatnoknickers · 06/02/2019 18:14

@MumInBrussels You didn't come across as patronizing at all. I'm having a really grim, unenjoyable pregnancy, so I'm pretty prepared for the newborn baby phase to be pretty rubbish too. Although hopefully will slightly less vomiting from me...

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LittleMy77 · 06/02/2019 21:50

all it also helps set the expectation for later visits so they know what to expect (and the cost may also be helpful in limiting their time Wink)

Its probably easier now to have additional people, than it is when the baby is a bit older and you might be wanting to settle them in their own room or sleep train etc but I wouldn't advocate them staying even then! I probably sound like a miserable caaahhhhh but this was borne out of not having family and friends who offered to help when they came round, unlike the mythical MN expectations of what your guests will / should do for you.

TurquoiseDress · 07/02/2019 09:30

Hi OP

I've only read the first several posts but I really feel for you, it is so tricky to keep everyone happy.

Whatever decision you come to, it's important to ensure that you and DP are completely on board with it and (practically) in total agreement.

Last year I had my in-laws stay with us in our cramped home for a whole LONG month.

DH and I were arguing about it months before the birth, he was refusing to contemplate putting them in a hotel or local Air BnB type thing.
I suggested that they come over every day, spend as much time as they wanted with the new baby and DC1 but stay elsewhere. DH told me I was being rude and unwelcoming to his parents.

He even went as far as to suggest we give them our bedroom to stay in! I was barely 1 week postpartum when they turned up, baby woke every 2 hours or so during the night, it was me doing all the feeds etc.
I was so exhausted and ready to kill DH...It was not a comfortable situation at all!

I got very anxious as DH and his parents constantly pressured me to go out and leave the baby with his parents, to give me some "me time" and meet up with my friends etc but obviously, at barely a couple of weeks after the birth, I was totally NOT ready to go anywhere without the baby.

I guess what I'm trying to to say is- be honest with DP and come to an agreement/compromise with what you both would like to happen. What your parents want will have to come secondary to this.

Unfortunately DH and I are only just starting to recover from the fallout to our relationship from all of this, and sadly my memories of the first month with the baby and quite unhappy ones.

Do not underestimate the impact on your relationship, especially when one of you has made a decision that goes against what the other wants!

Good luck!

mummmy2017 · 07/02/2019 09:42

Tell them, look unless you can find somewhere you can stay with a kitchen this will not work.
I don't want to spend the first weeks not being able to sleep when I need to because your in the flat... If you don't want to explore the area it seems silly to spend all that money coming to see the baby .
So how about we all rent somewhere after a few months and have a holiday .. then never do it.

blueskiesovertheforest · 07/02/2019 13:48

To add to what TurquoiseDress said about the strain this is very likely to put on your marriage if your mother does things her way and is in your small flat all day every day for the first two weeks of your baby's life - this could well also the last straw and tipping point for your already strained relationship with your mother, and if he takes her side also destroy your currently fairly good relationship with your father.

After my second child was born I allowed myself to be emotionally blackmailed into having my mother to stay. We haven't lived in the same house for more than a week since a couple of weeks after my 18th birthday and I knew deep down it was a terrible idea, but father put the pressure on saying how much it would mean to her to "help" and I stupidly listened to all those people who say "accept any and all help after your second is born if you have a toddler" despite actually not being particularly worried about having a newborn and a toddler...

The two weeks my mother spent monopolising my breast fed baby, expecting to hold him all the time and expecting me to be grateful that (immediately post c-section) I "had my hands free" to cook and clean pretty much destroyed a relationship which was largely OK due to distance.

She expected me to do a deep clean and was incredibly poisonous in her judgemental language when criticising my unwashed floor, and my "heavy" cooking (I'm not sure she's washed a floor in the last 30 years as she has had a cleaner who does absolutely all her housework and ironing for decades, and she is obsessed with women's weight and food intake).

She didn't lift a finger and expected me to wait on her while she sat in my breastfeeding chair monopolising my newborn, aside from the solid hour every morning when she monopolised our only bathroom and then swanned down in her dressing gown expecting breakfast and complaining about cereal, as if she was in a hotel.

After a few days I snapped and told her I hadn't had a baby because I didn't want one - my aim in life wasn't to palm off my newborn all day and do a deep clean and cook and make her coffee and tea to her liking a week after abdominal surgery and while establishing breastfeeding, what I actually wanted was my baby back and for her to play with the toddler and help around the house - as she'd said she was coming to help.

She cried and cried and said she'd come to bond with the baby. The next day I asked her to look after the toddler. She agreed, I thought maybe we'd turned a corner - she let the toddler trash the room then said she'd tidy it if I took the toddler out. I took the toddler out. She tidied by pouring everything into utterly random drawers - a few puzzle pieces in with the duplo, a few pieces from the same puzzle in with the toy cars, the rest in the soft toy basket, half a dressing up costume in the dressing up box, the other half of the same costume in with the soft toys... everything just shoved out of sight randomly, the way a 3 year old might "tidy" unsupervised.

Then she insisted on coming to toddlers group with me and held forth to a circle of polite mums waiting to sing the welcome song about how I'd never have coped without her there to tidy up after me, cue their polite expected praise of her and how lucky I was to have my mum staying...

She demanded to be driven about to shop for a new jacket - for herself - because she'd not packed quite the right things. She criticised everything - my friends, my housekeeping, my parenting, my cooking.

By the end of the two weeks I hated her.

That baby is in secondary school now and to be frank I've never really forgiven her.

When the third was born I was very clear that she and my father would come to visit several weeks after the baby's birth and stay in a hotel.

Being alone with 2 preschoolers and a newborn was many, many, many times easier and less stressful than having my mother staying after DC2 was born. Honestly even if I'd had twins or triplets I'd have chosen to manage alone rather than have her stay, she raised my blood pressure and stress levels to such an extent.

allfurcoatnoknickers · 02/03/2019 19:53

Hi all,

Just wanted to give an update on this. The parents were convinced to stay in a nearby hotel, and to not bother with a kitchen.

Unfortunately, my request for them to come when the baby is a bit older has been flat out ignored "because the baby will
Be practically grown up by then" Hmm and they went and booked flights for 2 1/2 weeks after my due date. I'm not thrilled about it, but at least it's just for a week....

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RandomMess · 02/03/2019 20:01

When If they behave badly when the visit I would honestly tell them they are never invited again...

I can't believe you are entertaining them visiting the baby after what they have said to you and their behaviour when visiting them in the UK.

Thanks
timeisnotaline · 02/03/2019 20:10

Just for a week is good, as your mum sounds nuts. My pil came at 10 weeks with my first, and all mil did was take the baby, and after a few days I was on the phone to dp saying I can’t handle this I’m going to explode. So practice firm ‘give me my baby’ statements, dp practice ‘I’ll take baby to change them (& then give to you) and both plan ‘op needs to rest now’ strategies. Don’t feel any pressure to host.

allfurcoatnoknickers · 03/03/2019 19:40

@timeisnotaline she is nuts. But at least her crazy will be confined to a week. And they'll be at a hotel down the road so I won't feel bad for kicking them out of the apt.

@RandomMess they won't be if they don't behave. My mother's trying to guilt trip into moving back because "soon we'll be too told to travel and come and see you!" Like they're 90 and I live in Outer Mongolia. Hmm

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