anyone moved back and regretted it?

[luckybird07]

We have had a pretty special decade out in the US, managed to buy a home in a good school district- kids are guaranteed excellent schools through till 18- always worth a lot. But in the last year as my folks have neared their 80's I have become increasingly homesick. I question why we moved here before we had kids and had no idea how sad it would feel to have so little contact with family members.

I had a good 7 years off as a stay home mum- LOVED that mostly. Now I am back to work and i guess the grind of life is more apparent- I leave at 7 am get home at 5.30- house always a mess, little time for fitness/relaxing. I may just still be in shcok at being back at work after those halcyon stay home mum years when I just felt so content.

We keep looking at rightmove for the UK and yet i have this unnerving sensation that it may not be possible to go back? In our mid/late 40s so not far off that age you may be less employable. I earn a good 20% more here than I would in a UK job that would entail more hours. We have a massive 500K mortgage which is manageable but the thought of buying a modest 250 k home in the UK, not having a mortgage and the freedom to work less hours really appeals.
Does anyone else feel like this? It may be we are donning rose tinted glasses-the kids only know life in the US and are happy in school. Yet life in the UK seems safer- no worries about losing health insurance if you lose or give up a job- that alone can cost $1200 a month if not covered by an employer as ours is now.
Maybe it is because my dad has been sick and I just feel so sad I cannot pop in to see them on a weekend like my former school friends can and do if they stayed in the home town.

Anyone moved and regretted it? Anyone found a way to reduce that sense of longing for your homeland even though life in the new country has been very positive.
Obvioulsy Trump and the gun situation bring a dampener all of their own...
Not sure if this is just middle aged longing for escape or a genuine preference to live back in the UK, in spite of all the positives in the US- the relentless sunshine being one that I suspect we now take for granted.

Since Brexit.....I think about it a LOT less.

One way around your stressful mortgage situation would be to downsize or change areas.

It IS sad when our parents grow older OP....I live in Australia and sometimes I feel bad for my Mum. But she has my siblings and her own siblings....I have a life here and my children wouldn't know what to DO with a life in the UK now. They are happy here and mostly...so am I.

I wouldn't have half as beautiful a home or town or school in the UK.

I think you should pop over to look at the Brexit topic here on Mumsnet for a dose of reality.

They're facing some very, very tricky times soon.

Okay will do- for now we are stuck in this high cost of living city as my husband's job pays well but he will most likely to lose it in maybe 2 years time and then the mortgage really will become a weight. When I look at other areas of the US and see homes for 200k it just makes me feel sad we have to move there like pioneers, not knowing anyone and in a different culture. We have some great friends here after 10 years, although we barely see any of them due to the busyness of life. Do you think it will be bad in the UK post brexit? I have no confidence even we could get the kid of well paying jobs we have here in the UK.

We did decide to come back to UK but hadn't been away as long as you and DD was a baby so didn't have the schooling/friends dilemma. For me I couldn't get to grips with always slightly feeling like an alien, never quite getting it or completely settling.

Brexit is an interesting one. I personally voted to remain (passionately) and although right now, politically it's a mess, I think we will get there. Economically we will finally focus on the rest of the world rather than the EU which is good as to me it feels like we've taken our eye off the ball. There might be a dip, a year or so. But we're an incredibly resilient economy, look what we've weathered over the centuries. This won't kill us off in total but certain industries that had a lot of funding from EU will definitely struggle - ironically in the very counties that voted to leave.

I think you need to change your life there. Also can you take some extended leave from work and come back to visit parents?

Life for us here is work, work, work and money worries, without any of the pluses you have. I think you need more work life balance.

I think the UK is awful at the moment. The government's policies are wrecking society, and with Brexit on the horizon it's bleak and terrifying. You're really not missing out.

Nobody enjoys the treadmill and the groundhog day feeling. From what I've read here it could be your age? Seems a common feeling in your 40s.

We're in Australia, and I find this topic of moving back endlessly interesting. I know one family that went back to Canada and then came back again to Australia, and one family that ping ponged between the uk and Australia (eventually they split up and mum and kids are in the uk, and dad is in Australia having a mid life crisis). Another friend of mine went back to the uk after about 5 years here in Australia.

I think it can be that the ones that move back 'home' for a specific reason are either happy or unhappy depending on their expectations and how realistic they were before returning.

good luck with your choices.

We are 2.5 years in to a 3 year assignment in the US. I'm currently on a short trip back to the UK to start trying to get things into place for our return and I cannot tell you how utterly depressing I am finding it. I used to love the UK but I am struggling hugely to find the positives. If it was an option for us I would stay in the US like a shot, but it is very unlikely our employers would sponsor green cards and as our eldest is approaching secondary age we feel we've got to bite the bullet and move now rather than string it out any longer. But my God the UK is depressing right now.

Thanks everyone
whatsthis, spain you may be on to something there-it could just be being in this stage of life and so the grind factor would be there in the UK anyway minus the good pay checks. One thing we loved when we got here was that my DH's commute became 30mins in the car rather than the 90 minutes by train into central London. I find myself comparing life now with both of us working to when I was a stay home mum and just not under the pressures that come with working life- the days were so gentle paced but of course they would be with no school run, no homework and the freedom to visit friends and beautiful parks/museums etc. It was such a happy period of life.

I actually spent a month in my home town this summer and it was very hard leaving, my dad has been unwell but it was just so emotional seeing my kids around them and just doing regular things like have meals that it physically hurt to leave. We had not seen them for 4 years so the plan is to go every summer from now on.

I actually get a lot of time off my job but am still very much struggling with that feeling of being able to switch off from work so I can be mentally present at the weekend with my kids- I feel bad about this. My husband is so incredibly supportive and kind and says if I really wanted to go back we can do that. But that scares me because I am not even sure what kind of jobs we could get there, or how employable we would be- the fantasy centers on being able to buy a home mortgage free and not having the huge mortgage so having the option to work part time.

It is so odd because we have enjoyed life here so much and then my dad getting sick and not being this strong formidable figure he has always been, has precipitated this melancholic longing to be home and closer to them.
I also worry if something happened to my husband here how I would go on- he handles so much of our lives and carries the parenting load whenever I am sick.
I just cannot imagine being here in our later life and managing paying health insurance.
We both agree he cannot walk from a well paying job until they make him redundant which he predicts will be two years from now.
Thanks for listening- It is so strange how you can go from being so content somewhere to longing for another place because of the people there. Not seeing the lovely people we know here very often compounds that. The weekends are spent cleaning, tidying and getting ready for the next working week.

cheese- what was depressing? I must have had rose tinted glasses on because in the summer the weather was perfect and I just had such a lovely time visiting people- my dh reminds me that it would not be like that in the winter and being on holiday is very different to the day to day grind in any country.
We have green cards and can start the citizenship process early next year, which we probably should do whatever our plans are since the kids are citizens and could end up living here one day ,even if we did leave.
I often think on a weekend how nice it would be if within the inevitable hard work of family life, we could just drive over and see my folks and have a meal with them.....of course we could end up in the UK not close enough to do that anyway.

We've bounced back and forth a couple of times but ended up permanently in the US. I think it comes down to where you want your kids to grow up, really. I wanted mine to grow up in New England, rather than in England. I was happy to take the rough with the smooth, and I do think we have a better life out here.

It does sound like you're comparing a holiday in the UK where you didn't have to work with life in the US where you're working, the kids are living a rushed school life, etc. Would you really be able to afford to not work in the UK? Would your life really be fulfilling? What about pensions etc?

OTOH I totally get that you're facing potential job loss in the next couple of years. In your situation I would be planning around that. If your husband can't find similarly paid work where he is, then you absolutely need another plan.

I have done all the 'mum roles' in the US - I've been a SAHM, I've been a full-time working mum with a partner who's away all the time, and now I'm a freelance part-time working mum. The role I have now is nice and manageable, and that makes my life much better than it used to be. It sounds like that's something you're yearning for a bit. Maybe you can find that within your US life?

We have been in the US for 5 years, when we first moved it was always planned to be a one way trip. I went back to the UK earlier this year for the first time since leaving. It reinforced all the reasons we left. On top of that there is the looming Brexit implosion which could change everything.

Stay and get your citizenship. If you ever want it later on in life you won’t get that chance again. I think return to the UK for holidays for now. You are looking through rose tinted glasses and the UK is and can be lovely. So it’s both and. I think you are settled where you are and it takes two years at least to resettle, so stay put. That’s my advice and I am someone who has returned and left again. Would I go back? yes but I am actually better off where I am so it’s worth staying put (I know that may not make sense).

Moved to the states 13 years ago and have loved every minute of it. Don't miss the U.K. at all. Where else could I triple my salary, have fabulous weather, big detached house in lovely area, great amenities and live in a country that values and rewards ambition? I'm also teetotal and hated the binge drinking culture of the U.K. I also have family here so that really helps. I would say I actually have a life here, back home I just existed as a permanently broke single Mum. Pay regular visits to your parents and fly them to see you if possible, that should ease the homesickness.

I wonder what I'd do if DH died or something. I tried to imagine it...me on my own with the kids in Australia versus us going back and I can't quite see us in England now. My DDs have such good friendships here and are happy at school. I have some nice friends too....and more work opportunities. If I had things just as I would like them, I guess I'd like to go back for more visits to the UK. I'd like a property here and one there. That would be perfect. Then I could go to have a cold Christmas every year! As it is, my Mum is very elderly and wouldn;'t want us descending on her and her beloved cat for long!

We went out of UK on a two year placement, came back home, restarted my work, DC restarted their school. Realised that it had in many ways been a mistake to come back, it was easy,safe and comfortable but very tedious at times. Mundane things took over. We took another placement to US for longer, we are focused on making the most of it, I doubt it is our for ever home but I am increasingly unsure UK is, particularly with Brexit.

Pumkin we live in interesting times don't we? The UK always seemed so safe before. Now I don't even have faith in the NHS or the education system and that was one of the strengths of the country wasn't it?

Moved to the US 7 years ago and though I miss the UK desperately I much prefer it here.

Ds will go to an amazing school and have the kind life, freedom and opportunities that he never would in the UK.

We have a big house and garden and I don't have to work. If we were in the UK we'd be struggling.

We live in an unbelievable community. I regularly well up with tears at how kind and supportive even strangers can be.

I miss my family and friends but pretty much every one of them says they don't think it's worth coming back and they'd move here in a shot if they could.

Maybe think of moving to another area in the States? You'll make new friends, and probably have an easier lifestyle.

We’ve been here for over a decade and my kids are all, even though UK born, very American. But they are all within 3-4 years of leaving home. However, We’ll never go back because, as much as we adore our parents and siblings and their children, I couldn’t leave our children. I want them to always have a home and their home is here. I’m quite excited about finding our forever home in the US as our kids get older. I’ve narrowed it down to about 25 States so far.....

Sorry...that was scrappily written! Am on my phone!

The British education system is a large part of why I'd never go back.

And despite the gun issue I feel safer here.

Four of my friends or friend's close relatives have been violently murdered by young people they didn't even know in the last couple of years.

Two of my family have been attacked and hospitalised. Again, random violence that was unprovoked. I'd not want ds growing up there in these times.

Yes @MakeItStopNeville exactly. It's our children's home now so I couldn't move even if I wanted to.

Neville I have felt that too...about welling up with how nice people are. We live in a small country town and I get moved by how many people greet me by name now. And the fact that all the children play outside and walk to school alone. It feels safe and cosy somehow. In the UK I kept trying to find somewhere where I could recreate my own idyllic childhood of the 70s in a working class community up North but I never could. My own village suffered badly in the 80s thanks to closures of factories and never recovered.

I am so glad to find this thread. We moved to the US a year ago and now needing to decide whether to return to the UK or apply for a green card here. I too wonder about rose tinted spectacles, theres a lot that feels comforting about the UK, so familiar and easy. Licensing for my job here is a nightmare and means I will never be able to fulfil all my career ambitions in the US but I wonder if theres always a sacrifice to be made. There were so many reasons why I was happy to leave the UK, the first year here has been hard trying to build a community but there are so many amazing things here and my children are very happy in schools I would struggle to find in the UK. I keep remembering friends becoming increasingly depressed during last years long cold winter and many friends are describing the Brexit fear hanging over the country. I wonder if if downsizing your property would allow more trips to the Uk and also a potential career shift for pastures new and more flexible hours?

I want to just write that there is nothing wrong wiht wanting to come back. It is totally possible that you were in holiday mode and lookign at the UK with rose tinted glasses. It is also possible that you feel like the adventure in USA is coming to an end and you want to come back. There are a lot of negatives in the UK, but there are a lot of positives. There are equally much negatives and positives about living in the USA. Sorry, this was not helpful at all but this topic is difficult when everyone has such a different eperience with living abroad and image when comparing "home".

Thanks everyone, lots of really great insights and stuff to think about from all of you.
I am aware that my thinking is very much being affected by emotion at the moment. I am much more aware of my parents age and increasing 'aging' and they are no longer able to come here due to mobility issues ( my mum). I am two years into a return to full time work and it has been a tough struggle and meant that I do not feel able to be present with my family as I used to be( apart from in the summer holiday) and that makes me feel very sad and like i am failing at the most important role that I just enjoyed so much for those 7 stay home years. So it may be that I am at a point where I may have to call it a day on making a living via teaching as I just am not finding it easy to juggle with family life at all. Nor did I ever feel it could be a manageable 9-5 job in the UK, pre-kids, so that is also a sad realization that this job I naively thought would be family friendly, just utterly preoccupies me in a quality of life degrading way. Before I returned to work, I was pretty content. No chance of downsizing in the city we are in, but moving somewhere cheaper is not impossible. I think that thought of returning home brings the comfort of knowing that we could avoid a big mortgage and not feel tied to a job for health insurance, as I feel here.