anyone moved back and regretted it?

[luckybird07]

We have had a pretty special decade out in the US, managed to buy a home in a good school district- kids are guaranteed excellent schools through till 18- always worth a lot. But in the last year as my folks have neared their 80's I have become increasingly homesick. I question why we moved here before we had kids and had no idea how sad it would feel to have so little contact with family members.

I had a good 7 years off as a stay home mum- LOVED that mostly. Now I am back to work and i guess the grind of life is more apparent- I leave at 7 am get home at 5.30- house always a mess, little time for fitness/relaxing. I may just still be in shcok at being back at work after those halcyon stay home mum years when I just felt so content.

We keep looking at rightmove for the UK and yet i have this unnerving sensation that it may not be possible to go back? In our mid/late 40s so not far off that age you may be less employable. I earn a good 20% more here than I would in a UK job that would entail more hours. We have a massive 500K mortgage which is manageable but the thought of buying a modest 250 k home in the UK, not having a mortgage and the freedom to work less hours really appeals.
Does anyone else feel like this? It may be we are donning rose tinted glasses-the kids only know life in the US and are happy in school. Yet life in the UK seems safer- no worries about losing health insurance if you lose or give up a job- that alone can cost $1200 a month if not covered by an employer as ours is now.
Maybe it is because my dad has been sick and I just feel so sad I cannot pop in to see them on a weekend like my former school friends can and do if they stayed in the home town.

Anyone moved and regretted it? Anyone found a way to reduce that sense of longing for your homeland even though life in the new country has been very positive.
Obvioulsy Trump and the gun situation bring a dampener all of their own...
Not sure if this is just middle aged longing for escape or a genuine preference to live back in the UK, in spite of all the positives in the US- the relentless sunshine being one that I suspect we now take for granted.

UK bashing really makes me mad.

No offence but I absolutely could not live in a country with trump as president and with the gun laws.

UK has its faults. My experience of education system with three kids, 2 with extra needs is excellent. My eldest is being supported to apply for oxford.

I have personally never had an issue with the nhs, those people saying the way the nhs is, what is that based on?

Hairytangerine we are not bashing the UK at all. A lot of us can see both sides and appreciate both places, but the reality of being on the other side of the pond is just different and in some ways yes it’s better. It does not mean the UK is bad. It’s just a different view to look at this whole scenario from.

Someone did say that they wouldn’t move back due to education and NHS and also violent crime? That made me laugh with them living in USA!

Have you lived in the US Hairytangerine? Experienced the education and healthcare system there? Been through making these decisions? If so then perhaps you can add your experiences to help the OP make her decision.

If you're just here to do a bit of US bashing then crack on but you're not helping much.

This thread isn't about bashing anywhere but about weighing up pros and cons. No country is perfect and there are always things to be lost as well as gained. Education in the US is very good in some areas and again crime is very low in some areas. It is important to remember the scale of the US when talking about it, it is more like Europe rather than just the UK.
We live in a very high crime city, with a significant murder rate and gun issues. However that is only part of the story, our side of the city is very safe and all amazon parcels are left on doorsteps during the day, not something that you do in London.
More citizens voted for Clinton than Trump and any country in the political mess the UK is in currently can't afford to get too snooty.
I also have licensing issues and may struggle to work to my full potential so there are always downsides to any country. There are things I miss about the UK and things I don't. Sometimes it is just time to go home and sometimes the answer is to change your current life where you are.

@Hairytangerine Yes that was me. We haven't had a violent crime reported where I live in over 9 years.

So yes, I feel safer here.

I can't actually remember the last time I took my car key out of the ignition or locked my house. Even when going abroad for two weeks. Nobody does here and there hasn't been a reported theft in over 5 years.

Hairytangerine

I also feel much much safer in the US than I ever did in the UK.

NHS is a “meh” point for me. But I’d do prefer the US education system.

People on this thread have real experience of being able to compare life in different countries, like it or not sometimes the UK isn’t always best.

Right. I lived in the UK for 36 years. In small country towns, Bristol, Bath, London and the arse end of nowhere in Wales. I'm not talking out of my arse completely.

DS will go to a public (as in state so free) school with a class size of 8. He'll most probably get his all of his university paid for via scholarships.

I agree the healthcare system here sucks ass but you realise you are paying more in to the system to fund it in the UK. It's not 'free'.

Your wanting to return seems largely based on seeing your parents age and your dad being unwell so it's natural you'd want to be closer. Would you have any regrets when sadly they are no longer with you? Not everyone is family orientated I get that however if they are important to you perhaps you could see them a little more often if finance allows?

I am out of the UK a lot and I really regret not having enough time with my mum before she died at 68 last year. I chose a career over being with someone who was so important in my life and that's something I have to live with. The UK has its issues but it also has some lovely parts. Personally if I could have a smaller house no mortgage and a good full life I'd take it.

This is a very important decision for your family. It may help you to separate out the issues, which for now seem all tangled in your posts :

• your DH has a well paid job, for the next 2 years only. What job will he do then ?
• you have a 1/2 million dollar mortgage. Is this affordable or otherwise what options are there for affordable living ?
• your children are at good schools in the US. Where do you want/expect them to go to Uni and settle as adults ?
• you have elderly DP in UK. Will you need to pay for their live-in or residential care in the future ? If so, how will you pay ? Unless you intend to become their caregiver, how much time would you really spend ? Coming back from overseas, people often falsy imagine a rosy, cosy extended family TV show, rather than reality based life, which is tough.
• you were SAHM which you loved, you now work full time. Keep in mind that for most of the world, work is a necessity, not a pleasure, life is hard and part of it is the daily grind. Or talk with your DH if you could stop work again ?

Just my tuppence (and organising the U.K. bashing comments that always seem to arise from people who have never lived as expats)

We’ve been in California for 6.5yrs. I always imagined it as a temporary thing and we thought we’d be going for a 3-4yr adventure. Like you, I was SAHM for 3 yrs with 2nd DC and then got our green cards and having tried to continue in my former career am now trying to segue into another. We have made a firm decision not leave until we can at least have the option of applying for citizenship - which we would do if we left because nowadays if you leave for 6months you lose your green card and seeing as we didn’t have to pay for it or sort out the paperwork it feel s a bit like looking a gift horse in the mouth - both DH and I work in industries that if we moved home (to the U.K.) we could benefit from being able to work for American companies in the US on occasional freelance basis.

All our pros for the US are practical (quality of life, weather, home, wages and opportunities for us both) and all
Our pros for the U.K. are emotional (family, friends, culture, sense of belonging, quick and easy access to other countries, DC having British accents - I fucking HATE their American ones!)

DH wants to stay, I want to leave - but not yet. Ideally my career would get to a point where we could move home, I become the breadwinner so he can start his own projects and business but I get work enough in CA that we visit. But honestly Brexit has made us really reconsider - I currently
Think the British education system is better than where we are but am not convinced it will stay that way. Healthcare isn’t currently a concern because DH’s company proves us with excellent cover but I do fear for the demise of the NHS

We live in a very specific American liberal anti gun bubble where we are but I just can’t come to terms with this being our life forever....DS is about to turn 10
Though so we are in major shit or get off the pot territory

No answers to your questions but I feel your pain! And sometimes wish we’d never moved so we wouldn’t be faced with Jesé questions now

Again thank you for all the helpful input. My husband's job is likely to end due to the dying nature of the business he is in and neither of us feel confident that he will replicate his current salary so we may be forced to make a choice when that time comes. Mortgage is fine at the moment with a good and medium salary coming in but there is something about the thought of having a home paid off in a less expensive city that is very appealing- just not feeling in bondage to a job so much. My job is tough. Inner city. Issues of poverty. I cannot imagine doing it through the years of my kids growing up and having no choice in it due to a weight of the mortgage.
I have to say I also feel safer here compared to London although I think the gun thing is crazy and there is always that fear that your kids' school could be the one that has an incident.
The health insurance is a massive drain if your job does not provide good benefits- mine does hence why I have this feeling of being trapped as if I step out of the job, I step out of the benefits. Even when we pay off our mortgage we will continue to have $700 a month property taxes- which do ensure that the local schools are excellent but it is a big chunk of money.
Very true that the grind is the grind wherever you live. I do have this belated regret that we moved here pre kids and so have missed out on grandparents being involved and an influence on the kids. The years just went by quickly. I have just been questioning whether giving up more contact with parents/wider family was ill thought out- yes we have great weather, safe bucolic area, great schools but we are just on our own here and I see friends who stayed close to family and long for what they now have in terms of ordinary weekend interaction with parents who will not be around forever. I intend to return for a month every summer from now on, now we have a second salary to pay for flights.
I may still be in culture shock from going back to work-it was such a gentle paced and sociable life being home with the kids that this life seems thin by comparison.

I think your real issue is this

My husband's job is likely to end due to the dying nature of the business he is in

It's natural that you will be feeling worried and insecure. Weighing up your options.

Also, the reality of extended family life isn't always as you might imagine. My family back in the UK never or very rarely got together and my mum, lovely as she is, was not and never was going to be a hands-on Granny.

We had no regular interactions aside from an hour's visit from my Mum. We would go there but it was never the fun experience you'd want it to be and my sisters and brother weren't interested.

We saw more of my best friend and her kids than we did my family.

I think you need to plan something though....because of your DH's job insecurity.

Thanks Ajas. I have considered that the city my parents live in- who knows if we could even find decent jobs there. I cannot face going back to teaching in the UK- I was working a 55 hour week when I left 10 years ago- horribly stressful existence and I think it is worse now from what I hear and so many of my former colleagues moving to the independent sector. Yes it may be that uncertainty over what job my husband can find when his comes to an end. He is over working in the industry he is in and it tends to spit people out by 50 unless you are really high up. Maybe we just wait for that day to come and when we may have to move to a cheaper city either here or in the UK. It was just so lovely seeing old school friends when I visited in the summer but of course holidays are lovely because you have time to be with people, which gets pushed out in the grind of working life. I would not have thought I would feel this way even a year ago...I think the grind is getting to me and I connect the UK with some measure of escape from the inescapability of having to work, in the US, in an expensive city.

Delivered -I think we are in the same city. Yes the accents.....and the fact my kids are American and will probably build their lives here if we stay on till they are adults- that bothers me somehow.We could end up in the UK and them in the US. Citizenship has to be done for sure even with the pain of having to do taxes for the rest of our lives. That should be processed within a year.

How old are your DC? Mine are 14 and 10. They were 11 and 7 when we came and I knew that it would be difficult to leave as once children have their teens here, they forge roots.

I couldn;t leave now. They have such great lives here, the UK would be a shock.

Also, can I ask what sector your DH is in?

OP I have just moved back but to Australia from the UK. We had a very easy life in the UK, lived in London, low mortgage both had great jobs with great flexibility.

But we had no family and it just felt a bit empty when I would see others with their families (next door neighbours, school mum's etc).

So we moved and currently living with my DP out in the country looking for work in the city. It's not ideal at the moment, but we'll get there and I'm really glad we did it.

I think it's a case of 'the grass is always greener' when you are feeling a little stressed. And of course it is bound to put more emotional strain on you if your parents are unwell.

I live in Australia and can say that we earn far far more money here than we ever would in the UK, there's a much better work life balance, outdoor lifestyle, easier less stress free way of living, amazing well funded schools, amazing healthcare system, bigger house/car etc etc. HOWEVER if I am ever feeling down I absolutely yearn for home in a way that you probably could never understand unless you lived away from home. It's such a hard feeling to describe but it's like this inner homesickness that makes me feel like I NEED to see the English countryside, walk on the footpaths, ride down country lanes.

It's very hard living away from home, but in my head it is absolutely the right decision for my children and their childhood. We went back to visit the UK in the summer and in all honesty I could not imagine living there now. The healthcare compared to Australia frightened me, I felt really vulnerable when my child had to go to a&e for a 5 hour wait to see someone. The country felt run down, extremely crowded, and people there can be so uptight/angry compared to here where it's so laidback. This is my head speaking though, in my heart England will always be my home

@kettleonplease

Yes! We were watching Great British Bake Off the other day and I was sobbing. For a whole hour.

That gut feeling of homesickness when you know you'll never live there again is so terrible.

Having said that, I'm glad I live in a different country to my Mother. I'm glad she can't have too much of an impact on ds's life. Although I miss my other family dearly that's a definite plus to living here.

comparisons all seem to assume that uk = London, where you do indeed have a high risk of stabbing, you.cant leave your amazon parcel out ( although you could always use a shop that pays tax...) and brexit will be a big issue.

other parts of the uk are available. and no doubt the same in the US.

a boring job is a boring job wherever you are.

@specialsubject friends and family of mine that have recently been assulted are mostly in country towns not London.

other parts of the uk are available. and no doubt the same in the US.

Really - which bit of the UK is like rural Maine?

Sorry - I'm being facetious and it's not helpful.

Stupo She meant that there are other parts of the US available...not that they're the same as the UK.

How old are your DC? Mine are 14 and 10. They were 11 and 7 when we came and I knew that it would be difficult to leave as once children have their teens here, they forge roots.

Agreed. I think your DC's ages will be a major factor in your decision. Mine are 13 and 10 so I really feel that we can't move to the UK right now as DD will be in high school next year and is totally enmeshed in her life here.

Personally, I don't think the K-12 education system is anything special, but, the universities are so flexible over here, e.g. not having to pick a major right away, which helps students figure out what they want to do before making those choices.

I'm in a similar boat, elderly parents with health problems and not enough time to spend with them. Plus a slightly chaotic schedule and constant mess over here! I think it's a phase of life, though, and things will be v. different in 5 years. I can see DH and I retiring in the UK, although alot will depend on what the DCs do.