Life in America with primary age children

[WhattodoSue]

We are seriously considering relocating to the US (I have a US passport, but have never lived there). We have just spent an amazing month there, but I'm very aware that a month's holiday is NOT the same as daily life. We love the heat (we were in Texas, although during their rainy period, so it was cooler than normal), and I'm craving a slightly more relaxed lifestyle (we live in London). BUT, I know traffic is terrible in lots of parts of the US (not even considering the quality of the driving, or lack there of). So, I'm trying really hard to get a realistic idea of the pros and cons, and whether it would be a better lifestyle. So, please, tell me what you love about life in America, and what you hate, and whether or not you enjoy your lifestyle. I should perhaps say that we wouldn't have a massive income, I think it might be something like $130000 before tax (which does sound huge, but is obviously not much compared to banking/tech incomes).

We could potentially move anywhere (dependent on me getting an Assistant Professorship in a good University department), and so I'm also really interested to know what life would be like in different parts of the US. The parts I know best are California, which I understand is quite expensive, and Texas, which we actually quite like. I don't know anything in the middle, or the east coast very well at all. I do know that I like the diversity and tolerance of London - but possibly it isn't wise to go to the US to expect that.

Finally (for now), how easy/hard is it to make friends? I realise that is going to be very dependent on the individual, but we wouldn't be part of any church communities etc. and I'm worried that that might be a barrier (particularly if we ended up in Texas).

Any thoughts, experiences, suggestions, advice would be very appreciated!

I'm in Texas, lived here 3 years, not seen a gun outside the range....

having no religion is relatively uncommon here...

Not sure what you mean by "here" but there are growing numbers of people who identify as having no religion; it gets written up in the media fairly often. And in this election, the religious right appears to have lost a lot of its sway. Having said that, there is no question that religion is much more important to many more people in the US than it is in the UK.

It's important to note that religious institutions in the US are sometimes in the vanguard on social issues. The American Episcopal Church has been suspended from the Anglican Communion, headed by the Archbishop of Canterbury, because it now performs same sex marriages. The Presbyterian Church USA, which is the direct descendant of the Church of Scotland in the US, also recently voted to allow same sex marriage in the church. So these churches are ahead of even their counterparts in the UK.

We are in the Midwest in a state that is frequently voted the best to raise young children; best city park system, etc. our three are primary school aged.

I feel blessed to be raising them here and doubt very much that we will go back to the UK. Putting them to bed ATM but will respond again soon.

I just moved to Texas, near Houston, with my family (husband and kids aged 4-9). It is very right wing and deeply religious, but there are also some people here who are more liberal, particularly in areas with higher levels of ex-pats etc. I am lucky in that we know lots of expats here from previous relocations, and our kids are at an International school, so we haven't had to make friends with any Republican locals yet! Have seen a few Trump banners in my neighbours' gardens though.

In/around Houston I believe some school districts are significantly better than others, so definitely do your research. Could be a tricky balance to find affordable, liberal neighbourhood, with good schools but not too horrendous a commute to the University.

If I could pick anywhere to live in the US it would be Oregon (or Hawaii!)

Ok, I'm back.

Of course, the issue with saying "what's it like to live in the US" is like saying "what's it like to live in Europe" or even Britain. So much is dependent on exactly where you are. I am in the Twin Cities and love it here. Standard of living is exceptional; cost of living relatively low; our neighborhood is 10 minutes from downtown and all the theaters, music venues, sports facilities; the best park system in the country; lakes; outstanding local restaurant scene; good schools.

The opportunities for our children here seem virtually without limit. For example, one of my kids loves sports, so he is in a couple of local sports clubs. By local, I mean that we can walk him there from home, not schlep him across town. One of my children loves theater - she starts a musical theater class at one of the best Children's Theaters in the country. Again 10 minutes from our house. In the next city over (20 minute drive) we have one of the best children's museums in the country. I know I sound hyperbolic but honestly, I can barely believe that my children are being raised here. And it's not the romance of the new start either; I've been here 15 years.

As for guns - other than on a police officer, I've never seen one. Don't let the general Euro-centric panic about guns worry you too much. Of course gun crime is an issue, don't get me wrong. But I feel somewhat detached (protected, maybe) from it. There are neighborhoods I don't go in, just as there were in the NW and the SE Of England when I lived there. I will say that when we go to bars and clubs I've never once felt that underlying feeling of menace, or aggression, that I often felt was close to the surface when I went round town on a Friday night in England.

Finally, healthcare. Unfortunately, between my child and I, I have had many opportunities to experience both healthcare systems. Neither is without problem, obviously. Simply in terms of the delivery of healthcare, US wins hands down. Not just in terms of the standard of treatment, but the speed of access, too. If you are moving here for work in a professional capacity you will likely have great insurance. Even with the out of pocket expenses it's still excellent "value for money". You can self-refer here, which I have really appreciated. I had what could have been a very significant health concern which was discovered in a Tuesday. I was seen by a specialist at the Mayo Clinic on a Friday. No waiting lists. I was referred to an inpatient psych program during a debilitating period of PND; saw my doctor on a Tuesday and admitted the next day.

All told, I love it here. Love it.

As another poster said, the American Episcopal church (that I belong to) is very progressive. All of the ministers in our church are gay or lesbian and they are the most liberal, accepting people I've ever encountered. Not all religion is "religious".

We're in Texas. The DC like it, enjoy school (gr4&1). The school district is excellent, one of the best in the state (Katy ISD).

I don't like the humidity and heat. We came here after 5years in Quebec and would take their weather any day. It's opposite, hibernate in summer here, I do find it unbearable. I find it insular. I've made one American friend in 2.5yrs and only managed that as we invited her family to swim every week over the holidays. She had traveled and moved around the US so is more open minded than others. My other friends are expats.

It's more expensive than you'd expect.
8k a year property taxes (and ours is cheap as the utilities have been paid for)
3k house insurance
2.2k car insurance for 2 cars (just gone up $40 a month thanks to Texas distracted driver claims, ie drivers on cellphones, no law against it here, don't want to take away the human rights, 3500 dead on the roads every year, but you know, we exercise our rights)
26k health insurance, we pay about 6 of it, the company the rest
Copays, I can never work out so unsure if we are at 5k per family per year or per family member.
6k Summer day camp for 2
I find groceries expensive, all in probably spend 250-300 a week
Wins: zero state tax
DH earns a bit more than what you're expecting, and we certainly don't have spare money for holidays and travel, which would make life more bearable here. I was working here but oil prices put the dampers on that , so now we exist and it's not much fun if you can't escape.

I'm not enamoured of the place, my mind wanders a lot to school shootings etc, we've had a couple of lock downs, so best not to think about it. It is an easy place to live yes, but doesn't feel real, it's like a little pretend town full of faux politeness and courtesy. I can't put my finger on it really. I can see us being here 20yrs because we just got too complacent to move on, but I don't want to be here when the DC are college agE. I think it would be very difficult To get by here in retirement. I have a DH who will just go with the flow though and let life happen to him instead of driving it
To what he wants.

I wasn't going to post on this thread as we haven't been in Texas for very long but I wanted to make a few points for the benefit of Weechops and any others considering Texas as a location.

We have found our local community extremely welcoming. I've been invited to several social occasions (lunch/cinema/a drinks party) by Americans almost immediately we arrived. I've already made some friends (all Americans)

Our observation from our time here are that there are some British expats who seem to move here, send their children to an international school, meet up with other expat families and make very little effort to actually integrate into the community.

A number of Americans have commented on how positive we are about the US: British expats seem to have a bit of a reputation for keeping to themselves and sneering at the locals.

We've sent the DC to an excellent local school and they are doing activities with the local kids.

We found a family church full of perfectly ordinary Christians on our first try. I'm sure there are lots of fundamentalists around but it's not your only choice.

The gun laws are a valid concern but I haven't seen anyone carrying a gun yet.

I've met more Democrats than Republicans so far. However people here are extremely polite and no one has tried to shove an extremist view about politics, religion or anything else in my face so far (although you have to pick your radio station carefully)

All in all, despite natural homesickness I think we'll be perfectly happy here for our assignment.

I do think that any expat posting is what you make of it. I know plenty of people who just didn't click with Texas and others who have gained citizenship and made it their forever home. Equally, I know people who have loved living in Taipei, Lagos or Baku and others who have hated all three.

I'm in Houston, there's a great social scene, it's becoming less "corporate" and more diverse all the time, our neighborhood is full of medical professionals and academics so a relatively liberal and multicultural part of town and we have a fantastic life. There are parts of the city we don't go to, just as there are parts of London we probably wouldn't go to. My point is (and I'm getting to it!) that you can have a great expat experience or a terrible one and it's all down to attitude - celebrating the bits you like and not getting bothered about the bits you don't - but engaging and giving it your best.

I think that's right Callme.

We didn't have much choice about this posting really but we made a deliberate decision that we'd all try to really make the most of our opportunities while we are here.

Absolutely. Houston was our 10th move in 21 years and we've never had a choice about location or timing. We just get on with it and make the best of it.

I agree with previous posters about one's mindset and intentions being important.

People will easily pick up on any snobbery about the US and be put off by it. But if you suspend your disbelief and throw yourself into it I think you will have a terrific time in Texas, or anywhere.

Property taxes are just the US version of paying for certain governmental services, and are collected in lieu of increased income taxes. I guess we have those in place of higher income tax because property tax is somehow a more palatable option. Property tax is based on the value of the home, not one's income.

One more quick story-my British friend who lives near me (who is an introvert, btw, but has made a ton of friends in the US) have gotten very involved in scouting. Even though they were initially sort of about what they perceived as the right-wing politics of scouting in this country, they have had great experiences, and their son qualified as an Eagle Scout this past year.

RE health insurance costs, property taxes, etc. I think if you added up all of the disparate costs of property taxes, health insurance, co-pays, etc, it would approximate the tax rate in the UK. It's just that what we pay is split up differently. (PS I would love an NHS here, don't get me wrong.)

Also, with respect to traffic fatalities-if you adjust for miles seven, the US death rate in MVAs is double that in the UK. However, for people who wear seat belts, obey traffic laws, don't drive while impaired/distracted, and stick to the speed limit, the death and accident rates are comparable. So if your personal driving habits are good, the risk to you is similar.

miles driven, not miles "seven"...

Why not consider the Research Triangle Park area in North Carolina? Reasonable cost of living, both beaches and mountains available and some good universities to choose from. It's an easier flight back to the the UK too.

Property taxes are just the US version of paying for certain governmental services, and are collected in lieu of increased income taxes.

And a few states have no state income tax at all. Texas is one of them.

I enjoyed living in Southern California for a bit, but for the things you're looking for I think you might be better off looking elsewhere in Europe. I live in the Netherlands and the working hours are shorter (I think the shortest on average in Europe), you can cycle everywhere instead of driving, holidays are good, etc.

Thank you so much everyone for all your thoughts and comments. I have been doing some research into cities and universities and departments, but I've been really encouraged by the honest reflections on here. I'm kind of decided that whilst I would consider Austin, Texas and most of the South wouldn't be the best fit. A US friend of mind commented that given I was so upset about the Brexit vote, that the northeastern states would be a better fit. I'm thinking North Carolina and above (although ideally not to far up because of this sunshine craving that my family and I have). I'm still not so sure about the midwest, or some Washington state, for example, so please do keep sharing experiences and thoughts. Given that we will want to find somewhere where our money does last (I'm worried California would be too expensive), all input and information is very appreciated.

North Carolina is still "The South," but the Raleigh/Durham area would be more "liberal" than the general caricature of the South, same as Austin, TX. You'd have mountains for skiing in the winter and beaches in the summer. You could choose from UNC, NC State, or Duke. It would cost a lot less than California and be cheaper to nip home to visit family in the UK.

My DH is American and we lived in the US for six years. We were in the NYC area, which is very expensive, so I probably wouldn't recommend it for you. Plus, the winters are longer than in the UK and considerably colder/snowier. What I loved about the northeast though is that its very liberal. So I found many, many kindred spirits politically. Its also full of other Brits and Europeans and while I made friends mostly with Americans I think it helped that they were all very familiar with people from Europe, so I generally speaking I wasn't 'the English chick', I was just one of the several Europeans that most of my friends knew/worked with.

I found it easy to make friends through classes I took, work and also once I had DS1. Americans are friendly, chatty and inclusive (for the most part). People talk to strangers much more readily than here in the UK and I made some wonderful friends who I'm still very much in touch with seven years later.

I can't really help with schools as we left when DS1 was two, but American schools, as you know, are one year behind UK schools, so this may not suit your DD.

130k yearly is a terrific salary in most parts of the US.

Random list of affordable places I know well and think you would enjoy:

Central and Western Massachusetts
Maine, New Hampshire, and Vermont.

Columbus, Ohio
Cleveland, Ohio
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania (highly underrated city-great place, great Universities)
Clemson, South Carolina
New Orleans, Louisiana
Lawrence, Kansas
Bloomington, Indiana
Chicago, Illinois (a bit pricey, but not terrible)
Rochester, New York
Syracuse, New York
Salt Lake City, Utah

I could go on, but you get the idea.

Having grown up in the Boston area, I had a very biased view of the US; that the only areas worth inhabiting were on the coasts. I am happy to say that I discovered that I was utterly wrong and there are great places and great people all over.

We don't know a lot about your career situation. Obviously, you don't want to give too much away. But, good academic jobs are hard to come by. There are a lot of post docs are on food stamps! Tenure track positions are as rare as hen's teeth. I have a good, American friend teaching here at a Russel Group university because she just couldn't find anything in the USA. She was lecturing at Harvard, but had no job security and was paid peanuts. Her pHD was from an August institution, her credentials were impeccable.

So I am thinking that maybe you will have to apply all over the place for jobs and then go where you strike lucky.

I will add to Pitiless's list of places I am familiar with:

Philadelphia, Pa (not quite as affordable as the others on my list)
Tallahassee, Florida
Tampa, Florida
Athens, Georgia
Charleston, SC
Savannah, Georgia

Personally I would avoid Florida and Louisiana like the plague. Have you considered Colorado? Really a beautiful place...but nowhere near as awesome as Minnesota! What you have to remember is that Minnesota was settled by Scandinavians, and that European/Scandinavian sensibility is still very much in evidence.