Depressed about relocation

[f33lingsad]

We're due to relocate in a few weeks. I'm getting increasingly depressed about it. I'm on the verge of tears all the time and I feel so sick I can barely eat. I'm watching the kids leave their schools and saying goodbye to friends and I don't want to do it. It's been hanging over us forever and now it's here I can't do it. I've started to wish I'd get really ill so I'll be stuck in hospital here and unable to go (not good).

It's for DH's job so I never had much of a choice in the matter. I don't really know anyone out there except him (I'm moving my job out there but don't know anyone in that office).

Any tips for feeling better about it? What are the good things about leaving your home , your family and everything you've worked for for the past 5-10 years?

I have a gynae problem that needs looking in to (bleeding between periods/after sex and a history of abnormal smears). No idea how to commence doing that here in Germany

I can't really help with the rest, but getting a doctor's appointment is much quicker in Germany, you should get seen within a couple of days. What type of health insurance do you have? If you have private health insurance, you could most likely even get a same-day appointment somewhere.

Have a look at this list of gynaecologists (all with great feedback), see if you like the look of anyone and give them a call. I have used that site to finde a dentist and a dental surgeon and both turned out to be great.

With these two surgeries you can book an appointment online as early as next Wednesday:
www.jameda.de/muenchen/aerzte/frauenaerzte-gynaekologen/dr-nuray-dagdelen/uebersicht/81028186_1/
www.jameda.de/muenchen/aerzte/frauenaerzte-gynaekologen/oliver-barske/uebersicht/81299076_1/ (private patients only)

If you don't have time to go shopping with your kids, just order a big pile of shoes from Zalando. They have plenty of choice, are quick and reliable, offer free returns and you won't have to leave the house. If you choose "Rechnung" from the payment options you can order shoes for up to 300 € and pay within 14 days after delivery for whatever you decide to keep. There are no hidden charges and you wouldn't have to put anything on your credit card.

www.zalando.de/kinderschuhe/

Hope things improve for you soon, whatever you decide to do!

Wow!

So sorry you are going through all this....

May have been mentioned already (haven't read the whole thread) but maybe this can help you through the maze..... Good luck!

www.expatica.com/de

Oh, and check out the forum on it, loads of subheadings, moving, schools, health care, etc.

Maybe you could also do your food shopping online? First delivery is free for new customers at REWE: shop.rewe.de

What a ridiculous thing to be doing if you don't want to.

you need to get a grip and move on from the misery fest or put another item on the list: marriage/family counselling.
Seriously, we can all sympathise, we've all been there and many times over for some of us but not with that much anger.

f33lingsad - oh my God

Your international move sounds as if it is totally inadequately supported by your DH's company. Of course you are floundering. You are trying to work when you aren't yet adequately accommodated with your domestic logistics up and running and you have neither school nor childcare and you don't speak the local language. Of course this isn't working.

I'm actually flitting between thoughts of suicide and divorce at the moment, so thanks for the thoughtful comment Laptop.

I'm so sorry for you. To be honest, from re-reading your first post, this overseas move was never going to work. I do wonder, reading that things are getting on top of you so much (school uniforms, stickers on mailboxes, car seats etc) and the fact that you seem so overwhelmed, whether you should speak to someone about what you are going through.

Moving is life changing and extremely challenging and I know that moving with children and working is even more difficult. However, it's not impossible, many of us do it (I've moved 10 times in 22 years, sometimes for my work, sometimes for dh's) and often to very challenging locations. You may well get through it but I think you need some more support. If your dh can't provide it (most main bread winner partners move into demanding jobs with 12+ hour days, extensive travel etc and are expected to hit the ground running with the other partner holding it all together and managing the move), maybe there is a group (lots of expat and mums groups on meetup in Munich) or professional who can.

Sorry to be so blunt but you have relocated now and you have to make it work somehow. You cant just let the resentment build up for the next 2 years.
if your DH is not actually helping with logistics can you throw more money at it?

feeling sad - poor you - it sounds really difficult.
A suggestion; glass of wine tonight and cool shower/bath etc?
Sleep as much as you can and start afresh in the morning?
Doctor appointment (maybe speak about antidepressants too?), heart to heart with DH regarding needing more help and then tack things together?
Good luck - it ain't easy.

Oh my heart goes out to you. It is bloody hard, I know. Can you request some more assistance from your dh's work place? Can you write a list of what needs to be done? I don't know Germany myself but we might be able to make suggestions.

I don't think the OP needs antidepressants - she needs logistical support. Which her DH's company, who requested the relocation, ought to instigate and fund.

I do wonder if you need to focus on sorting the things that have to happen (eg childcare/doctor/bank account) and de-prioritise the things that are not absolute requirements (school uniform/freezer ). You sound completely overwhelmed but once you have some childcare support I suspect it will all get easier.

F33 this is the worst time you are in limbo until the children start school,and you get in a routine . This time in two weeks time it will hopefully be so much better. I have been there and what got me through is a back up plan some sort of agreement that if it is not working by x time you can go back sort of thing . I have never needed it but knowing it is there makes it all bearable until it really is bearable ( and then who knows possibly enjoyable!) . Try to build lots or rewards in. When we first move to new places I always book a long weekend away to some attraction nearby so I can tangibly see a benefit of being here. Don't get too immersed in the detail of what dosent work and how long it takes to sort it out . It is crap but it will get sorted .Reading you post the biggest stress seems to be managing your work this should improve when the children start school and if not is there the option of cutting back your hours, taking a sabbatical , until things are sorted to take the pressure off . but you are here now you can make it work . It could be great ... And if it isn't London isn't going anywhere .

• speak to your HR in UK and locally and arrange 1 month "relocation leave" starting now. If you don't know anyone in the new office it should not matter what start date
• widen your net for childcare to include German speakers, it will be ok and even help you with some day to day organisation
• lower your rental asking price for UK property and put it with an extra agency
• call your GP / gyno back at home for some guidance on your health
• you're a short Low Cost flight from UK, so don't discount some weekends there even to get some jobs done which you find overwhelming in Germany
• from what I remember, nearly everyone youngster in Germany wears trainers, just get out to shop
• don't worry about the uniform, shirt and jeans should be ok, it will come out in the wash -- or if you need internet get DH to do it at work
• you can still reach out to Relate, and all the well known helplines in UK and that may be worthwhile, to be able to talk through in English

I relocated (permanently) and I know it can be really really hard.

What stands out from your post is that you're having to do all the logistical stuff, and work, and look after the kids, while dh is just doing his job. You need some help - my dh helped me with all the Ramdom Stuff when I moved and I'd have been utterly adrift otherwise. It is the little things like the sodding labels that just brought me to tears several times.

So you need help. From someone who has been where you are. Dh needs to tell work that his wife has a job and career and cannot be doing it all - so many trailing spouses don't work, so the expectation is often that they have time to do it. You don't.

Then you need domestic help - cleaner etc. Mums at school can help you with that. You're lucky in that it's an international school - most of the parents will have been where you are now.

It's tough - you need someone to help. Munich is a great city - once the logistics are sorted and you're in a routine, things will most likely improve. In the meantime, dh needs a head wibble - you've got a career, you're not a concierge, maid, nanny And label man.

It took us a year to get curtains... ;)

Thanks for all the messages and advice.

Some things are getting sorted now, curtains and lights etc. Have a Dr appointment for 1 week's time.

We managed to borrow uniform for the kids - the stuff we ordered online has STILL not arrived. Spent most of Saturday shopping for various stuff we needed - it appears quality kids shoes are not really a thing here and they can't wear trainers with their uniform. We ended up with a pair that gives the little one blisters and the older one is still managing in the ones that are a size and a half too small. I've ordered from John Lewis and paid international postage (still cheaper than EUR75 for shoes that don't fit!!!) but they'll take a week to come.

So I've met some of the school parents - not sure I'll be getting much of a social life out of that crowd but it is early days.

My UK mobile bill for the month is astronomical and I still don't have a German one. I just don't have the time to get one it seems.

'D'H is away for 3 nights this week, I hate him so much at the moment that I'm sort of glad.

The older child's behaviour is getting worse and worse. She's frequently violent, has drawn on the sofa with a biro and just will not do as she is told at any time. I think we're going to need to look into some sort of therapy for her, anger management or something.

I just can't take any more time off to sort stuff out. If I do I'll be obliged to work half term and Xmas. We have not had a holiday for over a year and I really want a holiday then.

I'm only managing 4-5 hours sleep a night, the rest of the time the issues and problems and to do lists just go whirring round my head.

So that's it, I'm still here, still plugging away, still enjoying almost nothing about every waking second of being here.

Wow you have managed to get so much sorted out already, well done

Re mobile phone - could you order a new Sim online or get your OH to deal with this for you? He could ask colleagues, etc

Has the house in London now been rented out? x

Is the eldest one picking up on your mood? Have they started school yet. Could be that she is anxious about that?

They started school last week. Probably picking up on my mood, I spend part of every day in tears or shouting or both. I just can't be Mary Poppins the whole time. I feel so dreadful that the mask slips before I have chance to count to 10 or whatever.

Cleaning lady (we call her housekeeper which sounds so grand but actually she does cleaning, washing and sometimes cooking 3 days per week) is doing the afternoon school run for us at the moment on my working days. Kids are complaining but they just have to suck it up. I literally could not cope without her at the moment - she is the 'chuck money at it' option. Costing us well over a grand a month but keeping the wheels from falling off completely.

I'm not sure where the 'kids will be fine, they adapt so quickly' advice came from. Older one even said (totally unprompted) that she'd have been better off staying in London and just seeing daddy at the weekends.

No, the house has not rented, we have dropped the price and added another agent, we're spending over £3k fixing it up; despite some viewings, no offers. They said the bank holiday weekend has slowed things up. We'll need to switch to unoccupied property insurance (which is even more expensive) in a few weeks.

I'm in the office and it's actually fine here. It's everything else that is so overwhelming.

Hang in there! One day at a time and do take care of yourself. I know its not my place to say after my stern posts last week but i have been there and you need to really look at ways to support yourself through this to appease things at home as thebkids will feed off your anxiety.
There is no harm asking the Dr for anxiety meds. There are very good natural options such as valerian, l-theanine, gaba, 5HTP etc...
Herbal supplements are easy to find in Germany and really do work if you are reluctant to take meds.
Take care. Its falling into place. Diffuse the anger.
X

I get the not Mary Poppins thing. I've been there in very similar circumstances (but with baby and pre-schooler). If you're freaking out a bit can you explain to her why and reassure her that things will get better? Because they will eventually.

Well it got bad yesterday. More and more things piling up to get done and I just hit a wall. I tried to pack and leave but I've got nowhere to go and noone to help me so I tried to find enough medicines to OD but that was a waste of time so I thought about cutting my wrists or getting on the windowsill and leaning back. All the thoughts exhausted me enough to stop me from doing it. I won't do it it's not fair on the kids. So I sit here in my fucking gilded cage as the last of my spirit drains away.

I used to have such a great life. Now I have a gilded cage and a never ending list of things to do, alone.

The older kid has just physically attacked the younger one. Yesterday she bit her twice and today she's just kicked her. Im failing at this aren't I?