Depressed about relocation

[f33lingsad]

We're due to relocate in a few weeks. I'm getting increasingly depressed about it. I'm on the verge of tears all the time and I feel so sick I can barely eat. I'm watching the kids leave their schools and saying goodbye to friends and I don't want to do it. It's been hanging over us forever and now it's here I can't do it. I've started to wish I'd get really ill so I'll be stuck in hospital here and unable to go (not good).

It's for DH's job so I never had much of a choice in the matter. I don't really know anyone out there except him (I'm moving my job out there but don't know anyone in that office).

Any tips for feeling better about it? What are the good things about leaving your home , your family and everything you've worked for for the past 5-10 years?

Munich is lovely. I lived there for 5 years before DH and I got married.

Are you churchgoers? If so get in touch with the lovely people at Peace Church in Munich. It's a English speaking Methodist congregation and they were great when I moved out to Munich all on my own. There'll be other families there in the same position that you are in and they're always happy to see new faces.

f33lingsad if your kids are going to BIS there is a fb group called BIS Moms and Dads. The other international schools probably have similar. If kids are younger or anyway there is a fb group called Parents in Munich (for English speakers).

I live near Munich - I'm not a member of those fb groups because we live here permanently and kids are in the local system plus I am too lazy to go into the city much now and am a bit comfortable in the sticks. I used to be a member of the Parents in Munich group though - it used to be brilliant for settling in advice.

Feel free to PM me - if you will have a car or fancy a trip to the very, very end of the S bahn network we can meet for a coffee. I'm afraid logistically I am unlikely to make it into the city as I work locally... My kids would be primary age if in the UK (though here in the local system one is secondary, one primary, one Kindergarten) - girl, boy, boy if that is anywhere similar to yours.

Hi, we moved away five years ago now and I was very frightened and sad to be leaving. Once here I found that the international school was a kind of community and people are very happy to make new friends. Our son who is now at university is very happy that we moved, says it's given his life an extra dimension.

On balance I totally understand how you feel but I would do my best to throw myself into this exciting new chapter of your lives and I'm sure it will be a lot less scary than you think and the children will settle in very quickly. If I can help you at all, please PM me, I have now helped lots of mums settle in since our move!

Good luck

Kids are going to St Georges (the English 'International' school). 2 DDs age 6 and 4.

I'm an atheist so though your church sounds lovely MrsM it's not for me.

I can't drive so it's public transport only for me MrsSchwab. Maybe we could plan that coffee - i've never met a MNetter in RL so it would be lovely to meet you in Munich (or the outskirts thereof!) I will be working 3 days a week, out near the airport.

Thanks for your kind words, feeling better about it today, I guess it ebbs and flows.

Just send me a PM once you're here if you want to meet up - we are on the airport side of Munich, though further out. I've never met anyone with kids at St. George's but there are probably people on that PIM fb group who have if you want to join and make contacts.

As you'll be working you'll doubtless get to know lots of people that way too though - that's quite impressive to both get job transfers to the same city, I doubt many people manage that!

I have moved abroad twice for DH's work. It was tough when you have to move your children and disrupt their lives. I have to say I don't regret either posting although both had challenges!

You will have already thought of this, but my best advice is to join a local expat group and you will find friends amongst people who are in exactly the same position and had to move children also and had to settle into a strange new country. You quickly bond over the shared history and it feels so good to talk about what you like and don't like about the new place, without risking offending a local by talking about your dislikes!

On the positive side, you get to see a wonderful new country, experience different cultural events, make some amazing new friends. You only live once and make the most of it. It is natural to feel down about it because it is a big change and human nature is to dislike big changes. Make a list of any positive points and keep referring back to that!

badgers sorry to sound like a stalker but please tell me you are still in the UK?

badgers I just popped back fro the same reason as Summer. I hope that wherever you are you are ok; the weekends events in Turkey must be an awful worry for you wherever you are.

Thinking of you X

I feel exactly the same way as you OP! We are moving to HK next week for a couple of years and, although I was looking forward to it a few months ago, the reality has me awake at night, throwing up and generally being a weepy idiot! I know it is going to be a fantastic experience but it's so hard saying goodbye to people and seeing my 12 yo DS upset as he says goodbye to his friends.

I keep telling myself that we will be coming back here in a couple of years and that it will all be fine, doesn't stop me worrying though.

Good luck with your move

Well we moved. It was incredibly stressful and the relocators were crap. It was fraught and we've ended up with stuff left behind. I can't find what I want and we're in an apartment with no curtains or light fittings because that's how fucking stupid the German rental market is. No amount of money and time on the phone can buy anyone to help at the moment. Most people don't work much in August it seems.

I can feel a real depression setting in. It's one chore after another, I'm exhausted and I go back to work next week. The kids are being a nightmare from dawn till dusk and doing anything (the weekly shop, ordering lunch, operating the washing machine) is a monumental struggle. I have nothing to be happy about at the moment and months and months of hassle and stress ahead of me. Really don't want to do this anymore.

Oh OP I feel for you. In January was in a curtainless, unlit house (mad isn't it?) in Switzerland with 2 young DC following DH's relocation. But we all love it here now! Is this your first move? Will the DC be going to any childcare soon? Whereabouts in Germany are you? Do you speak German at all?

Curtainless is not just Germany. Had the same in Vietnam, Bulgaria - twice, and Budapest. I dread to think what we have spent on curtains over the years for rental houses. And even though we kept curtains they never fit any other houses.

It is hard. Especially at first. But it will get better. Honestly. I've done four countries. Some easier than others. I hated Vietnam for the first six months. Then tolerated it for a further 18 months. We ended up staying for six years in total,

You will meet people through school. Expat communities are friendly. Everyone is in the same boat and remembers what it was like to be new. They have been through all the same frustrations and learning curve.

I actually found our move back to the uk was our hardest move. We moved to a new area and people already had their friendship groups and they had family around too. I found it very cliquey and really hard to make friends. And most of the friends I have now are not from here and had similar issues.

The children will settle. The routine of school will be good for them. Work will help you. And you will meet people. And get curtains!

It's still awful. I'm back at work and relying on visiting grandparents for childcare at the moment. That finishes next week then we have nothing...

Eldest child has developed a violent temper and is angry from dawn til dusk. Youngest has stopped sleeping and we had a 3.15-5.15am interval of being awake last night (great for going into work...)

The broadband has stopped working and the company can't figure out why so I have no way of ordering the kids uniform (must be done online) or sorting out online banking payments for the property at home etc. Also no TV to prop the kids in front of when we're knackered.

The last thing I want is friends here to be honest, no time or energy for them. I just want to be able to function here and live in a proper home.

Want to call the kids school in England the 1st day it's open in September to see if we can get them back in and I can move back. This shit is not what I signed up for.

So sorry things are not improving. Can you use the Internet at work (lunch hour?) for uniform and payments? Can the grandparents go and buy a tv and DVD player so the kids can have some downtime in front of a screen? You are clearly unhappy and struggling (and so are your kids and you are all making each other worse) but it will pass and although you may not come to like living in Germany, at least you can have a balanced view of it without all the current issues clouding your judgement iyswim. Can you plan sth for the weekend for you all to look forward to? Even a long walk with cake at the end?

You are at the worst stage. It's a shame your job started so soon as you could have settled in a bit more.

How come you have no childcare? When does school start?

Making friends will help - honestly. They will know how to get things done for a start.

Is DH helping? I have experience of some just leaving their poor wife to get on with it. And I have vivid memories of calling DH at work many times and threatening "to leave this Godforsaken country". He got to the stage he offered to pack my bags!

As MyFriends said use the Internet at work or get your DH to sort it. Not sure what the set up with either of your jobs is but my DH's secretaries were always very good at helping me out.

Do you thInk your DCs are picking up in your feelings? I know you have just started work but some time off until school starts and you all find your feet and get settled would really help. Would that be possible?

f33lingsad where in Munich are you (roughly).

Do you have a kitchen by (which I mean a sink and an oven and work tops) - we didn't when we moved in but went straight to Ikea... There is one in Eching, really not far from the airport, where you can get your curtains and light fittings.

www.ikea.com/de/de/store/muenchen_eching

I'd stop trying to sort the house and take the kids to your nearest Freibad (open air pool) with the grandparents on your days off and at weekends, or the Deutsches Museum (interactive kid part in the basement) or the zoo (much cheaper than British zoos and really good - good adventure playground too) or a beer garden - lots of room to run around and this one is on the airport side of Munich and has deer... www.hirschgarten.de/biergarten-muenchen-koeniglicher-hirschgarten-der-groesste-der-biergaerten-in-muenchen.html Give yourself a break, the apartment doesn't have to be perfect.

I had dramatic ups and downs when we first moved (but did have ups as well as downs) - give yourself a break with sorting things out and try to get out and explore - it will help mix some ups into the downs at least. It doesn't matter if you can't get the flat perfect until the kids are back at school.

Have you tried to make contact with some St. George's parents? They may be able to help with the uniform perhaps? Or use internet at the airport even if you can't use your work internet?

Thanks for all the advice .

In terms of replying to your questions:

• thankfully we do have a kitchen! No freezer which is annoying as there are almost no convenience foods so batch cooking is a must but the kids refuse to eat the same thing twice (or more) in a row. At the moment I have no German debit card. I can try online ordering with my UK card but that still has a UK address which can cause problems. We've also been told off by the postman as my surname isn't on the buzzer (Dh just didn't think to say) so none of my post is being delivered... It's now the usual ask for a job to be done and wait for a month for it to happen. the labelling man is on holiday until September.
• I've just had 3 weeks off to relocate so I can't take any more time. I'm already trying the patience of work as it is DH's job that has driven the relocation, not mine. The first was taken up with packing and the second with unpacking then we lost another 5 days returning to the UK for a family wedding.
• The plan was to get an au pair for childcare but we've had very little interest. We are working on that but it's more stuff that needs internet access. On a brighter note that was restored yesterday evening so we spent the evening catching up and not relaxing. I'm knackered again.
• Getting out and exploring this weekend is a priority. Unfortunately after a week of sunshine it's scheduled to rain all weekend. We already did the Deutsches museum in April (and queued outside in the rain for half an hour to get in). Might try the aquarium in Olympia Park. Also have the slightly immobile parents with us and not enough seats in the car so our plans are dictated by needing to be no more than about 20 minutes total walking per day. Talking of car seats, DD1 is still on a boostapak so buying a proper one is also on the to do list. Maybe also do a beerhall (indoors) that has stuff for the kids to play with? I think we went to one once before.
• I haven't tried to get hold of St Georges parents, I'm not sure how I'd go about doing that - don't think I've had a class list yet. There's an open day on the 31st August to meet everyone which I have to do alone as DH is away on business.
• DH has a very stressful job. He worked pretty much all evening on the latest problem - missed sitting down to dinner with us then quick eat and back to the laptop until bedtime. He did well in terms of getting the washing machine and tumble dryer and initial lighting/Ikea set up but work has side-tracked the next phase of getting stuff done. Given how busy he is I don't feel I can bother him with freezers and uniforms and the like but as its his name on the door I don't want to risk the uniforms not getting to us.
• On the plus side broadband is back and we have proper lighting now and DD1 didn't have a major kick off yesterday (unless my parents are telling a kind version of the truth). I managed to get to and from work despite the best efforts of the shit Sbahn ticket machines to thwart me.

In terms of where we're living its an apartment in Glockenbach/Isarvorstadt (Deutsches Museum almost literally on the doorstep). Lots of space though it is all inside so getting the kids out when we can is essential.

I'm too knackered to even feel anything anymore. I'm just grinding through the motions trying to remember what day it is (and if the answer is Saturday then ensuring we have everything we need before shop-shut-Sunday; in fact we forgot this Monday gone was a bank holiday so we got home from the UK wedding after over 10 hours of travel to find no ability to buy any staples except milk and beer...)

...and it's taken ages to type this as work have kindly provided me with a German keyboard so all the symbols and some letters are switched about. Their solution is for me to buy myself an English one and claim the cash back through expenses ditto a webcam so I can do my weekly video con calls....

It sounds a bit more positive. Having internet is so key now.

Silly question but can you stick your name on the post box on a label till label man returns or would that be a no no?

At least you only have to buy a keyboard and webcam. DH came home one day from the office in Vietnam and informed me we weren't getting paid yet (along with a couple of other people) as they had to buy a photocopier and there wasn't enough money in th company account to pay the full payroll and buy a photocopier! I was less than impressed.

Sorry I hadn't realised what an epic essay that was!

Yes I think sticky label is the only option. The landlord and house-meister both tut-tutted at DH's DIY attempt to cover up the previous tenants name but what can we do when the official 'label swapper' is holidaying?!

Enjoying the peace of a quiet office too. Now I just need the weekend weather forecast to be wrong...

Aw you poor thing. I know what it's like. It will get easier. You won't necessarily fall in love with where you live but day to day life will become much easier. Just remember to look after yourself i.e. eat, as this is something I neglected this time last year and it's not advisable.

're the name on the door, I know Europeans are a bunch of sticklers, but can't you just stick a handwritten label on it in the short term? I did this last August and it's still there(!) much to the disgust of my neighbours no doubt but at least I get my post. Don't let the bureaucracy wear you down!

Oh poor you!

I know that when you are down people trying to point out the positives is actually more annoying than helpful but although it won't be as hot this weekend it really isn't going to rain all weekend - I don't think you need to stay indoors:

www.wetter.de/deutschland/wetter-muenchen-18225562.html

We're about 40km north of you and have just got back from the Freibad.

Have you tried Toytown www.toytowngermany.com/munich/ for childcare and to get in touch with St. George's parents? They can make AIBU look gentle, but use the search facility before posting and you can get very useful information and contacts, and there are usually people advertising as babysitters and au pairs. There is also that parents in Munich book on facebook - bound to be St George's parents on there.

We are meant to be heading to England in a couple of days and at the Freibad I discovered that DS1 has just developed a rash that looks like Limes disease :( :( so I'm waiting for the doctor's to open and don't know if he'll have to be admitted to hospital for intravenous antibiotics so I am not currently in a position to offer to help although we are near by... but you can give me a shout when we get back (if we actually go... if DS is fine...) if you need any help.

Yes just stick a label on the buzzer and ignore the tutting.

Hope things look up soon - your parents should manage the Aquarium and the Olympiapark generally is quite nice. My dad is also not very mobile and my mum can't do stairs... so I know what you mean, they claim to want to do outings but there isn't much they can do that is any fun for the kids!

Can you order school uniforms online with your dh's card and have them delivered in his name?

Don't sweat about car seats, my youngest has been on a boostapak for 2 years, if it's safe enough for one journey, it's safe enough for 100......

Also definitely call the school. When we moved to Texas, the class moms were organizing meet ups just before the beginning of the school year. Meant my kids knew a couple of faces when they arrived at school, which was brilliant and decreased stress levels in the days before. Even if they haven't got a full class list yet, they will have class rep contacts who will be able to help, they may even offer a play date before school starts.

Remember to breathe. You'll get there.

f33lingsad, I live near Gaertnerplatz, so just around the corner from you. For things like bread, milk, pizza and beer there's a 24h place right next to Reichenbach bridge:
www.yelp.de/biz/kiosk-an-der-reichenbachbrücke-münchen

Have you been to Eataly at the Schrannenhalle and to Viktualienmarkt? Lots of lovely food and should be walking distance from you.

For a bit of fresh air you could go for a walk in the Isarauen and feed the ducks there.
There's also a nice playground in your area:
www.spielplatztreff.de/spielplatz/am-glockenbach-in-muenchen_39#bewertungen

Thanks for the advice pourme. There are long queues for bottles for beer at that kiosk all the time! I knew it also did milk but didn't realise it did any other food (just cigarettes!)

Well I have been busy trying to make my parents feel like they've had a bit of a holiday amidst the childcare duties. They left yesterday and since then:

• the au pair we thought was a sealed deal has gone for another family. There are so few with good enough English looking for German placement that it's hard not to feel despondent
• there's a problem with uniform delivery and it might not get to us in time for start of term. It really is touch and go whether we'll get all items, especially for the little one starting reception.
• I've tried finding contacts for St Georges on their parents forum. There are no class lists available until Wednesday next week.
• I have no childcare and was going to ask our cleaner/housekeeper to help out until we get an au pair or nanny or something. She called in sick today and I don't know if/when she'll be back
• All nanny agencies have staff that only speak German so I'm communicating via my husband via his PA which is not very time efficient
• I'm simultaneously working from home and looking after 2 kids and trying to keep on top of the washing cooking/feeding and food shopping today, in 30 degree heat.
• DH was away for work Wed-Thur and briefly saw the kids yesterday evening. He has a 3 line whip on an event this evening so I'm putting them to bed on my own again. They're getting very distressed when they don't see daddy (one of the selling points of moving here was for them to see more of him ha-bloody-ha.) The big one is currently committing violent acts on the small one whilst I lock myself in another room to work (or in this case rant on MN)
• I still have no freezer, no German mobile phone and no cash in my German bank account. I have no childcare, no assistance with domestic chores and no babysitter so I could go out and enjoy the fucking utopia I was sold when I accepted this farce of a move.
• the kids are in shoes that don't fit them because I don't know where to buy the shoes and to be honest have not had time all week.
• I have a gynae problem that needs looking in to (bleeding between periods/after sex and a history of abnormal smears). No idea how to commence doing that here in Germany
• The London house still hasn't rented. So no financial upside in sight.

Yes, I've tried speaking to him and he thinks I'm over-reacting, I should just hang in there, he'll send some emails and make some calls but I just cannot go on like this my life is fucking ruined and utterly miserable. I cannot function like this and see no way to improve it. I'm just trapped. I am so desperately miserable. I could have stayed in London on my own with the kids and it would have been easier than this. We've been moved like pawns in a game to prove my husband's commitment to his role. The kids have lost places at one of the top London independent schools to attend a place that can't even hire a reliable uniform provider.

Once you reach the end of your tether where do you go next?