Depressed about relocation

[f33lingsad]

We're due to relocate in a few weeks. I'm getting increasingly depressed about it. I'm on the verge of tears all the time and I feel so sick I can barely eat. I'm watching the kids leave their schools and saying goodbye to friends and I don't want to do it. It's been hanging over us forever and now it's here I can't do it. I've started to wish I'd get really ill so I'll be stuck in hospital here and unable to go (not good).

It's for DH's job so I never had much of a choice in the matter. I don't really know anyone out there except him (I'm moving my job out there but don't know anyone in that office).

Any tips for feeling better about it? What are the good things about leaving your home , your family and everything you've worked for for the past 5-10 years?

[BradleyPooper]

How are you doing now? Have things improved? Hope you're ok.

[Ackeeandsaltfish]

Also when you rent out the house and get paid rent you will need to inform HMRC and submit a tax return in the next tax year, but you may be able to claim some of the 3k for repairs against profits (I hope you kept receipts).

[Ackeeandsaltfish]

There are lots of UK stores you can order clothes online from. Next are fairly good for speedy deliveries.

There are lots of landlord insurance companies you can arrange online - Directline are good. Can you use Viber to make calls using wifi?

[Ackeeandsaltfish]

Sorry OP, I can relate to the stress and depressions you're going through.

I had to relocate, against my wishes, with my husbands job to a far east country, where we couldn't understand the language, there is a massive stigma about mental health (highest youth suicide rates in the world), and if marriages break down the children automatically are given to the husband. I was so depressed I wanted to throw myself out of the window and we lived 13 floors up in a grim apartment. Of course if I could have found medical help it would have gone through my husbands employer.

The only thing that kept me going was actually doing things for my self, meeting other expat wives, taking up new hobbies, and coming back to the UK as much as I could.

I appreciate that you have young children, and a job, and a husband who seems to have left you to fend on your own with the considerable stress of moving to a new country and having to sort out schools, uniforms and home help in another language and at short notice. Would your (husbands) company be able to offer more help with the transition - an agent to help sort things out in German.

Just small steps to start with. Just listening to the Archers podcast with a cup of tea and a tub of Pringles to munch on, helped a little. It took me 6 months until I started to feel better, so hang on in there.

[Schwabischeweihnachtskanne]

Glad you're feeling a bit better.

[f33lingsad]

Thank you. I'm okay. It comes in waves and that was a low point but I've been rallying since.

I have spoken to DH (and cried and sobbed and yelled), he is kind but doesn't really understand I don't think. I can't really call upon my parents, they have issues of their own (alcoholism and depression).

I'm okay for now, I won't do anything silly.

[DawnMumsnet]

Hi f33lingsad,

We're really sorry to hear that you're feeling so very low.

We hope you don't mind, but when anyone posts that they're feeling this way we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources - please take a look here. You can also go to the Samaritans' website here, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek real life help and support as well.

We really hope things start looking up for you soon.

[sayatidaknama]

OP where is your DH in all of this? Have you spoken to him about this? As someone said, if you can't talk, show him this thread. He needs to make you his number one priority right now.

[ApocalypseSlough]

How are you f33lingsad?
Who's at home with you?

[aliceinwanderland]

Op - where is your husband. I think you should show him this thread. If he's not here then you should email him the link.

[MyFriendsCallMeOh]

You're not failing, you're ill. Please find help, A&E, tell your husband what you are thinking, contact family in the U.K..... There are solutions, moving overseas is reversible, you can return to the uk, this situation isn't right for you and you need help. Please find help now, for you and your children.

[LittleDittyAbout]

You are officially ill right now. You need to go to a doctor, get a cert for work, and then your husband has to take time off to care for you and the children. Do it today. Go to A&E.

Nothing else is important.

[Schwabischeweihnachtskanne]

F33liningsad I'm not sure Living Overseas is the place for this now - you are clearly in a very difficult place with your mental health and need proper help.

Do you have living parents you could go and stay with in the UK?

Failing that go go to a GP (Hausarzte) and tell them exactly how you feel - be totally honest. Look on Jameda for your nearest one by putting in your postcode.

The Hausarzte should sign you off work with stress or "Burnout" and refer you to professionals who can help you.

You will be able to get help with the kids and household too - Caritas have specific help for "when everything is too much".

Can you tell your husband outright that you are feeling suicidal and cannot cope?

[f33lingsad]

Well it got bad yesterday. More and more things piling up to get done and I just hit a wall. I tried to pack and leave but I've got nowhere to go and noone to help me so I tried to find enough medicines to OD but that was a waste of time so I thought about cutting my wrists or getting on the windowsill and leaning back. All the thoughts exhausted me enough to stop me from doing it. I won't do it it's not fair on the kids. So I sit here in my fucking gilded cage as the last of my spirit drains away.

I used to have such a great life. Now I have a gilded cage and a never ending list of things to do, alone.

The older kid has just physically attacked the younger one. Yesterday she bit her twice and today she's just kicked her. Im failing at this aren't I?

[aliceinwanderland]

I get the not Mary Poppins thing. I've been there in very similar circumstances (but with baby and pre-schooler). If you're freaking out a bit can you explain to her why and reassure her that things will get better? Because they will eventually.

[Laptopwieldingharpy]

Hang in there! One day at a time and do take care of yourself. I know its not my place to say after my stern posts last week but i have been there and you need to really look at ways to support yourself through this to appease things at home as thebkids will feed off your anxiety.
There is no harm asking the Dr for anxiety meds. There are very good natural options such as valerian, l-theanine, gaba, 5HTP etc...
Herbal supplements are easy to find in Germany and really do work if you are reluctant to take meds.
Take care. Its falling into place. Diffuse the anger.
X

[f33lingsad]

They started school last week. Probably picking up on my mood, I spend part of every day in tears or shouting or both. I just can't be Mary Poppins the whole time. I feel so dreadful that the mask slips before I have chance to count to 10 or whatever.

Cleaning lady (we call her housekeeper which sounds so grand but actually she does cleaning, washing and sometimes cooking 3 days per week) is doing the afternoon school run for us at the moment on my working days. Kids are complaining but they just have to suck it up. I literally could not cope without her at the moment - she is the 'chuck money at it' option. Costing us well over a grand a month but keeping the wheels from falling off completely.

I'm not sure where the 'kids will be fine, they adapt so quickly' advice came from. Older one even said (totally unprompted) that she'd have been better off staying in London and just seeing daddy at the weekends.

No, the house has not rented, we have dropped the price and added another agent, we're spending over £3k fixing it up; despite some viewings, no offers. They said the bank holiday weekend has slowed things up. We'll need to switch to unoccupied property insurance (which is even more expensive) in a few weeks.

I'm in the office and it's actually fine here. It's everything else that is so overwhelming.

[aliceinwanderland]

Is the eldest one picking up on your mood? Have they started school yet. Could be that she is anxious about that?

[Emms86]

[IceMaiden73]

Wow you have managed to get so much sorted out already, well done

Re mobile phone - could you order a new Sim online or get your OH to deal with this for you? He could ask colleagues, etc

Has the house in London now been rented out? x

[f33lingsad]

Thanks for all the messages and advice.

Some things are getting sorted now, curtains and lights etc. Have a Dr appointment for 1 week's time.

We managed to borrow uniform for the kids - the stuff we ordered online has STILL not arrived. Spent most of Saturday shopping for various stuff we needed - it appears quality kids shoes are not really a thing here and they can't wear trainers with their uniform. We ended up with a pair that gives the little one blisters and the older one is still managing in the ones that are a size and a half too small. I've ordered from John Lewis and paid international postage (still cheaper than EUR75 for shoes that don't fit!!!) but they'll take a week to come.

So I've met some of the school parents - not sure I'll be getting much of a social life out of that crowd but it is early days.

My UK mobile bill for the month is astronomical and I still don't have a German one. I just don't have the time to get one it seems.

'D'H is away for 3 nights this week, I hate him so much at the moment that I'm sort of glad.

The older child's behaviour is getting worse and worse. She's frequently violent, has drawn on the sofa with a biro and just will not do as she is told at any time. I think we're going to need to look into some sort of therapy for her, anger management or something.

I just can't take any more time off to sort stuff out. If I do I'll be obliged to work half term and Xmas. We have not had a holiday for over a year and I really want a holiday then.

I'm only managing 4-5 hours sleep a night, the rest of the time the issues and problems and to do lists just go whirring round my head.

So that's it, I'm still here, still plugging away, still enjoying almost nothing about every waking second of being here.

[TheHubblesWindscreenWipers]

I relocated (permanently) and I know it can be really really hard.

What stands out from your post is that you're having to do all the logistical stuff, and work, and look after the kids, while dh is just doing his job. You need some help - my dh helped me with all the Ramdom Stuff when I moved and I'd have been utterly adrift otherwise. It is the little things like the sodding labels that just brought me to tears several times.

So you need help. From someone who has been where you are. Dh needs to tell work that his wife has a job and career and cannot be doing it all - so many trailing spouses don't work, so the expectation is often that they have time to do it. You don't.

Then you need domestic help - cleaner etc. Mums at school can help you with that. You're lucky in that it's an international school - most of the parents will have been where you are now.

It's tough - you need someone to help. Munich is a great city - once the logistics are sorted and you're in a routine, things will most likely improve. In the meantime, dh needs a head wibble - you've got a career, you're not a concierge, maid, nanny And label man.


It took us a year to get curtains... ;)

[guihailin]

• speak to your HR in UK and locally and arrange 1 month "relocation leave" starting now. If you don't know anyone in the new office it should not matter what start date
  
• widen your net for childcare to include German speakers, it will be ok and even help you with some day to day organisation
  
• lower your rental asking price for UK property and put it with an extra agency
  
• call your GP / gyno back at home for some guidance on your health
  
• you're a short Low Cost flight from UK, so don't discount some weekends there even to get some jobs done which you find overwhelming in Germany
  
• from what I remember, nearly everyone youngster in Germany wears trainers, just get out to shop
  
• don't worry about the uniform, shirt and jeans should be ok, it will come out in the wash -- or if you need internet get DH to do it at work
  
• you can still reach out to Relate, and all the well known helplines in UK and that may be worthwhile, to be able to talk through in English

[Tweennightmare]

F33 this is the worst time you are in limbo until the children start school,and you get in a routine . This time in two weeks time it will hopefully be so much better. I have been there and what got me through is a back up plan some sort of agreement that if it is not working by x time you can go back sort of thing . I have never needed it but knowing it is there makes it all bearable until it really is bearable ( and then who knows possibly enjoyable!) . Try to build lots or rewards in. When we first move to new places I always book a long weekend away to some attraction nearby so I can tangibly see a benefit of being here. Don't get too immersed in the detail of what dosent work and how long it takes to sort it out . It is crap but it will get sorted .Reading you post the biggest stress seems to be managing your work this should improve when the children start school and if not is there the option of cutting back your hours, taking a sabbatical , until things are sorted to take the pressure off . but you are here now you can make it work . It could be great ... And if it isn't London isn't going anywhere .

[aliceinwanderland]

I do wonder if you need to focus on sorting the things that have to happen (eg childcare/doctor/bank account) and de-prioritise the things that are not absolute requirements (school uniform/freezer ). You sound completely overwhelmed but once you have some childcare support I suspect it will all get easier.