I want to move home, DH doesn't... Anyone else had similar?

[Namechangenell]

Hi - we moved to the USA 3 years ago. I had one baby at the time and I was happy to be a stay at home Mum in the short term. We've since had another baby. The plan was to move back to the UK this summer as DC1 starts school in September 2016 and we need to buy a house and be living in it before the reception place application deadline in January.

So - here's the issue. DH recently got promoted and it would be great for his career if we could stay longer. And I'm sick of it here! I can't work as I'm a dependent on DH's visa and the green card process takes years, literally. We could end up staying here for another three years and I still wouldn't be able to work... I've manufactured a life for us here - we have good friends and the kids have a great time - lots of time outdoors, lovely preschools etc. But it's not home, this was always meant to be a short term move and I want my life and career back. Financially it makes sense to move as here we'd end up paying for private schools as the local state ones are awful (armed guards on the doors) but DH is reluctant.

Has anyone been in a similar position? What did you do? Living costs are about the same as back home - split differently but roughly the same. I just can't continue to put my own life on hold whilst DHexcels in his career but I stagnate.

Americas, because of the nature of my dh's job, we have known loads of couples who moved here for 3-5 years and most of them moved back. A few, including ourselves stayed here. Usually there was a bit of angst about moving back (life is so good here, the weather is great, the opportunities for the children are fab etc) but they went back. I don't really know anyone who regretted it. Last Sunday we met with friends who returned home 12 years ago. He really wanted to go back, she would have been happy enough to stay. They are perfectly happy back home, their lives are very similar to ours - except that theirs are taking place in their home country. The whole "this life is great and my career is brilliant" thing is a red herring imo - it isn't like going home to war-torn sudan. It is going home to a great country with great opportunities.

Total anecdotal but my experience is that the man generally has more influence in the decision whether to go or stay. the only couple I know who moved home and then came back to the US was where the man could not settle and she eventually had to chose between her country or her marriage as he was coming back anyway. The couples who stay generally it is because the man wants to. Mrs S's experience is interesting too - her husband certainly left her in no doubt that he was deeply unhappy and not prepared to play nice. I wouldn't be impressed with him but I don't know any woman who has done similar - most women, do more than their share, put up with the disadvantages and play nice. Sometimes I wonder if that is always the best strategy?

I think it is reasonable to want to live where you consider home. It is also reasonable to want to stay someplace which offers better opportunities - but you both have to want it.

Sorry for the long post but basically Americas, if you want to go home, agreeing to stay for another 3 years makes that return very unlikely in the long run. especially if you have children.

sorry for delay, we were in palm springs for the weekend (see what I mean about life being good on paper?! It was desert or mountains, both of which we can reach in 2 hours - desert was cheap, it being 42degrees and all, but a weekend in a pool with constant gin and tonics was what was needed)

anotheremma and duckdeamon to be fair on DH, he doesn't know the extent of which I want to go home, he's not "preventing" me, but we do need to have an honest conversation about it. There is no way either of us would let the other take of leave children, or want to be in a different country to each other long term. He has reiterated at points that if I really am unhappy and if I can't get work then we will go home - he talks about pros and cons but I do know that if it was all that bad he'd let us go. Trouble is it's not awful and my reasons for going home are as much emotional as for getting back on track with my career.

We agreed to 2 more years at the beginning of this year because I've seen couples have that conversation month in month out and it just increases the sense of limbo. I feel that 2years gives me a reasonable amount of time to try to get some work (as I said, I don't want to go home with nothing to show for my time here), and the thought going home NOW panics me a little as there are things I still want to do and see here. Also 2years should give us the time to save up for a 3-5month trip around South America that we're hoping to do, what I want is then to move straight back to the UK. We've always agreed that wherever we are once DS is 10/11yrs we will stay until DD (who is 3 years younger) leaves home. I want my children to be teenagers in the UK, if we stay here, they will identify as American (DD was newborn when we moved too namechangenell), and the thought of being here another 15years puts the fear into me - actually the thought of staying ANYWHERE 15yrs is horrible - I was brought up an expat child so the feet get very itchy!

namechangenell very happy to PM and talk it over with someone in a similar boat!

bumping (namechanged from ATB) as told DH I wanted to talk about it and as expected he got on the defensive....le sigh. Said I wanted to have a proper conversation before it dragged on too long and both of us got stuck in polar opposite POV, so at least he knows now, but I think it's going to be a difficult conversation.

Makes me wish we'd never moved in the first place tbh. And my friend from home uni who moved here a month before we did just called to say he's accepted a job back in the UK (albeit in Aberdeen, not London) and is returning in November. I'm absolutely gutted

I've lived in the us a lot. Can you find work or volunteering which invades DH's family time.
Sounds petty but the DH's have everything. Great job, devoted DW waiting on their return home each night, good DCs.

Money to do stuff, buy every latest gadget.

Is there no way you can study or perhaps become a dedicated charity worker or write a novel as you need something to get your brain working and be out or busy all the time he is in? This would be a long term ploy. He won't be so happy if he is home alone with the DCs every night.

Hi - sorry it's been an age. Been away lots over the summer and then there was the site outage thingy...

So - some progress. DH appears to have come round to the return to the UK idea and is applying for jobs. He has one interview lined up in a couple of weeks. The fact that this means flying back to London and I'm stuck with the kids for four days on my own (two toddlers - what fun that will be!) is still pissing me off though. I know it's a means to an end, but it's not like I've ever had a mini break during the time we've lived here, for a job interview or anything else for that matter. Ok, so I know it's not really a break, but still. He gets to fly around furthering his career, I'm the one stuck here keeping the family together and holding the fort in the meantime... Again!

Had an interesting talk with FIL whilst we were over in the UK. I'd been thinking of retorts to his inane comments for a while and so when I said something about being back by Christmas, and he started banging on about DH's career in the US, I said that we may well be moving back for my career, actually, swiftly followed by a very definite 'We can't afford to stay with just one of us working' - this appears to have shut him down. Go, me! Thanks to a PP who said only tell them what they need to know. I actually think we might only tell them of our final plans when we have booked flights!

So - fingers crossed for DH and this job. It would be ideal actually, but don't want to get our hopes up too early on. We've also been looking at houses, either to rent or buy, so that's promising. There's a part of me that dreads what will happen if this job or another similar one doesn't work out. Because obviously the easiest thing to do then, in the short term at least, would be to stay. So - I'm trying to be very resolute and of the mindset that whatever DH wants/gets, I am moving back by Christmas. I actually think he would agree to us there and him here for a short time as ultimately it would be that or private school fees for the next few years, either in the US or UK if we don't get a place.

To anyone else in this boat, do you ever wonder how it came to this? How did life get so complicated? for all.

I am in a similar difficult situation, although simpler as myself and my DH are both British. We have been living in Cyprus for the last 7 years and have both agreed it is time to move on. But the issue is what next - I want to move back to the UK, he wants to move to Hong Kong. I was going along with Hong Kong (whilst we were there on holiday), I think we could have a good life there, love the city - but I have serious doubts now after a couple of weeks back. My family are in the UK, we are close - he is not close to his and wouldn't care if he never saw them. I want my kids (aged 5 and 8) to experience life in the UK in all its wet, snowy, frustrating and expensive joy and misery! I miss the UK, the culture, the pubs, the scenery. I have had enough of boiling hot summers and cold houses with no central heating. We are currently at a standoff - he 'can't' go back to the UK, I don't want to go to Hong Kong. How do we find a solution that suits both of us?

namechange that's great for you, skinnymin we are just like you in terms of your reasons for going back to the UK or not.

We're in the UK right now and I am loving every second whereas I know DH is dreading the thought of moving back. We've committed to two more years in the U.S., he has said I need to get a job to fill the financial gap if we move back because he won't be paid as much - as if that's an argument for me staying, I'm like hell yes please I would LOVE my career back!!

This is so hard. I am still so connected to everyone here and he can go years without seeing people and it not be an issue so of course LA is more appealing for him. My UK people are still my life blood though. But of course being back I do see the cons of us moving home, but nothing can outweigh my emotional pull to home and my children growing up British, not American.

namechange I'm really pleased for you that steps are moving forward though, that's great news, although yes that it's for his work again, but means to an end?

Maybe you dont feel like you could live there permanently because you've always had the idea that you'd move back to the UK.

Definately that is true. This was always meant to be a 3-5year thing, not a permanent one

Hi again. So - DH didn't get this job. He's looking at others but it was pretty frustrating, given the effort involved. Still, the search continues, I guess. I really don't like the fact we are in limbo and I absolutely hate being so dependent on him. I am so bored now not working! I'm doing the volunteering and all that jazz but to be honest, it's just to fill time. Quite down about things right now as I feel like I am utterly reliant on DH applying for other suitable posts and my plans of a British Xmas and beyond are getting further and further away.

Kiki - is there any way you could just stay in the UK now? I actually thought about that on our last trip over! It's not really the way I would have wanted to go about things but it was fleetingly tempting! My UK people are still my lifeblood though - I totally get this!!! Even though I have some lovely friends here, they just don't feel like friends for life, like my friends back home.

skinnymin I am in a sort of similar boat!

DH and I lived abroad for five years. We have been back in the UK for two now, and as far as I'm concerned, this is where I always wanted to stay and raise a family. I have no urge to be a globe-trotting citizen; moving abroad was his idea originally and yes I went along with it (my career was put on hold as so many on this thread!) and it was good while it lasted but I was clear - well I thought I was clear - about the fact that my heart is here in the UK.

Like lots of posters, I have a full social life, I am close to my family and friends and cherish the support I get from them. It's wonderful to be home, I love the UK and the culture and I've found it a breeze to settle back in to life here. DH however has few friends of his own, isn't close to his family at all and wouldn't (and didn't!) care if he never saw them. He is now saying things like he 'doesn't want to end his days here' and doesn't want this period in the UK to last any longer than ten years (so currently eight years left on his clock!).

He never told me before we got married that it wasn't his intention to return and remain in the UK. This "ten year" deadline is new to me. He is now pressuring me to agree to moving abroad but I am adamant - I don't want to! I want to continue saving for a deposit on the house and I was hoping we could start a family too.

In eight years time I will be 43 and he will be 46. I think by then you should really stop trying to live the high life of your 20s! We are by no means in high salary jobs - not the kind of job that provides moving allowances or anything like that. We have a small amount of savings but not much. I just don't know what to do. Has anyone else been in this position and can advise?

The key question is - would he go without me? And would he resent me if he stayed? I feel like he has unilaterally changed the 'terms and conditions' and I just don't know what to think or do.

I know I'm late to this discussion, but I know exactly what you feel. We moved here for DH's job on the notorious H visa. In fact, it's so bad that the spousal part has been raised at the UN as giving women less rights than those in Saudi (I've delivered a paper on this at conference). We did however, get green cards, so can both work and that made me much happier. I'm not cut out to be a SAHM.

Is there any way that you could also be applying for jobs in the UK? It seems like your DH has been raised to see his job as the great goal, but any reason why you couldn't apply for jobs? He could take time off to care for the DCs while you come over for an interview, and would it be a disaster if you got a job, moved back with the DCs, then he moved back and you switched jobs a few months later?

btw - legally, no you can't move back to the UK with the kids without his permission, and that has to be separate from the permission to take them on short trips. I'm not sure what level of proof you would need for that, but even if it's a phased return to the UK with his full co-operation, you need to get something pretty watertight about you being allowed to move back (unless he came with you to settle in, then flew back alone).

I moved to the US for five years and couldn't wait to get home OP.

I have (or had) a green card but didn't bother going back to visit every couple of years to keep it current. DH is American, DD has both US and UK passports.

Whenever I travelled with her alone I used her UK passport - no letters, no questions, nothing at all.

I feel for you, I actually came back 10 months before DH because he was working on something that meant ridiculously long days and months away and I wanted to come home.

We had moved twice with his job and I didn't have any good friends, passing acquaintances but no one I connected with.

I could have worked though, but my work was so specialised that it couldn't be done outside the city. I didn't though as I had a baby (with health issues) and a husband who was never at home, I was bored senseless. 5 years out completely killed my career tbh and I ended up retraining.

We were in agreement to come back though although when we left the UK we did think it might be a forever move.

Sounds really tough, I can see why he might be swept away by his recent promotion but that doesn't help you.

Hi all - Blue - that sounds terrible. I don't really know his I'd go about things if someone were to suddenly impose a 10 year plan on me. How does he even think that's fair?! And so much can change in that time too - both good and bad. Gosh, sounds like there is a lot of talking to do there.

Kickass - I would love to read your paper if it's openly available? I have spent so long pondering about just how ridiculous the H4 visa is. I mean, I have one child who was born here but if something were to happen to DH, I'd have no right to remain here, despite him being a US citizen. All bills and so on are in DH's name, the car, everything, as I don't have a SS number. I'm like a none-person!

In terms of us - jobs, DH is still looking and applying. He didn't one he was interviewed for (boo!). I am worried as the closer it gets to my (admittedly self imposed) deadline, the less and less likely it looks that we will be back in the UK by Christmas. We had a discussion the other night and have agreed that we will then plan to stay 18 more months (until summer 2017) so that DC1 would go back into year 1 and DC 2 would start nursery. I don't see the point in rushing to get back next summer, only to find we won't have a reception place for DC1. I have also found a uni course so I can start to retrain from September, and I can do that remotely, meaning that when we do move I'll (a) be re-qualified and (b) have something to show for our time here. I've started volunteering two mornings in a related field, so have taken a little control back.

School fees remain a bug bear but I think we will just have to suck them up for the next couple of years. DC1 is definitely in school until July (paid) and we can manage another year after that. Long term we would have had to switch to a local US state school as we just couldn't afford the fees (and that would happen over my dead body). I don't know if any of these options are necessarily the best course of action, but at least armed with half a plan, I feel slightly more in control.

The final thing is - I just want to stop thinking about moving on for a bit. Either - we get back to the UK quick smart or I fully throw myself into things here until summer 2017. We just can't keep having circular discussions time and again about what we'll do, when we'll move back and so on. They're soul destroying!

Would love to hear what anyone thinks about these plans - have I sold out or am I making the best of the situation? I honestly don't know sometimes!

I don't understand the rationale of staying 18 months longer (still with no work permit) and worsening your financial situation by paying school fees if DH doesn't get a job asap. You want to leave - why not do it? It sounds illogical to me and not great for you.

Schools stuff in the UK can be sorted out.

Why don't you apply for jobs too? It's not all about your H and his career: you have been more than supportive.

The run up to christmas isn't greAt for job hunting anyway.

It is harder to get year 1 places than reception too.