I want to move home, DH doesn't... Anyone else had similar?

[Namechangenell]

Hi - we moved to the USA 3 years ago. I had one baby at the time and I was happy to be a stay at home Mum in the short term. We've since had another baby. The plan was to move back to the UK this summer as DC1 starts school in September 2016 and we need to buy a house and be living in it before the reception place application deadline in January.

So - here's the issue. DH recently got promoted and it would be great for his career if we could stay longer. And I'm sick of it here! I can't work as I'm a dependent on DH's visa and the green card process takes years, literally. We could end up staying here for another three years and I still wouldn't be able to work... I've manufactured a life for us here - we have good friends and the kids have a great time - lots of time outdoors, lovely preschools etc. But it's not home, this was always meant to be a short term move and I want my life and career back. Financially it makes sense to move as here we'd end up paying for private schools as the local state ones are awful (armed guards on the doors) but DH is reluctant.

Has anyone been in a similar position? What did you do? Living costs are about the same as back home - split differently but roughly the same. I just can't continue to put my own life on hold whilst DHexcels in his career but I stagnate.

Years ago, when you first moved out there did you agree a time limit on your stay? If you did, you both need to be in agreement to stay beyond the time limit.

It would be rather selfish of him to further his own career at the total expense of yours. At least in the uk you can both have good careers, even if his isn't quite as well paid.

sadly in ex-pat circles it's all very ordinary for the trailing spouse's career to be utterly fucked. It doesn't make it any easier if it's yours getting the short shrift.
I've been reasonably lucky in that I could work in most places, but the work available was unskilled, low income, or entry level admin. Still work. We ended up back in the same place after seven years and I walked back in to the entry level job I left before. It's soul destroying.
That said, everyone makes compromises in relationships. It doesn't have to rip you apart, or end in a messy divorce. You just muddle through.
It's a sad fact that the trailing spouse is usually the woman, so the usual time fillers (babies and the gym) get deployed over and over again.

Keep talking to him, op. It's unlikely that you would be in the same place very long in the UK even if you did go back, if dh is planning to move on? Or would your role become the prime wage earner? I'm guessing not if you are only planning on going back part time, even if you do go back?

Kids are pretty resilient. I have lost count of my eldest dd's educational settings, but it hasn't affected her - if anything she is more adept at making friends and getting involved as a result.

What about volunteering? Are there any meaty roles you could take on with your current visa? (We are not in the U.S., but I know when jobs have been thin on the ground or of limited intellectual stimulation, that volunteering has been a godsend. )

"It's unlikely that you would be in the same place very long in the UK even if you did go back, if dh is planning to move on?"

Why is it unlikely? It doesn't sound like a lifetime of moving around was envisaged and they planned to live in or near London where there are lots of jobs.

Relationships do take compromise, but whilst OP has clearly done. Lot of it it's not clear what compromises her DH has made or is willing to make in the future.

We moved back from the States this year after almost 7 years, when we had initially agreed to stay for 3-5. We moved there at the height of the crash and when I did decide to go back to work (dcs v young when we went) it took nearly 2 years to find a job in education. It was a small city not near anywhere else to commute so a v strange job market. I had become v miserable about my lack of career by this point and it put a lot of strain on our marriage.
dh had to use a recruitment consultant to find a job back home. Ds2 was a late applicant for reception but luckily got a place at the same school as his siblings. I start teaching again in September! We just had to fill out a form and send our green cards to the Embassy to relinquish our residency (though they lost them!)
It is horrible being miserable where you live and like you we lived somewhere beautiful. Being home just feels right. I hope you manage to talk to your dh about it, OP.

Thanks everyone. Quick update. We had a bit of a heart to heart last night. I made it very clear to DH that I'd made enough compromises recently. He has started looking at jobs in London and there are more than we thought, which is good news. He has a bit of a niche role and again, I've made it clear that the job he gets to facilitate us moving back doesn't have to be 100% amazing - as in, he has to find something and make it work. Strangely, despite him being much better placed than me job wise, I'm confident I could get something if I had to. He's more reserved or hesitant or something - I know I'd make it work if I had to!

Re his parents - I said I'd be happy to tell my family the good news about us planning on going back. Can't wait, actually. He's more - let's not mention it... That pissed me off. We need to be on the same page. I can't tell if he just doesn't want to involve them, or if he doesn't think it's a possibility.

Namechange I suspect, regarding his family, he doesn't want to disappoint them or have to deal with conflict. Sounds like his parents are still over-invested and over-involved in his decision making processes and he's trying to hide from that. My mother, in particular, can take a level of interest in what is going on in my life (and discuss it with half the neighbourhood) in a manner that I find frustrating, not to mention poor DH's view, so I've stopped talking to her about stuff. I just present fait accompli.

My DH could win prizes for procrastination so if we've agreed to doing something, I get on with planning it and then he's caught up and speeds along. Start looking for houses to rent/arranging to give your tenants notice so you at least have somewhere to stay. Get quotes for removal people. Start looking at jobs for you - anything like that that means that DH understands your serious. Presumably he'll want to make sure he can feed you all and therefore understands that he needs to get a job.

I'd also keep talking to him about how this isn't working for you, and how you want the children to be British in more than name only. That's huge. I think some people, particularly if they are the WOH spouse and therefore don't pay as much attention to the logistics of life forget that you always have to factor family into your decision making. As I once said to DH "You don't get to completely forget we exist when you walk out the front door."

Good news op. I hope that everything goes well.

Regarding not telling his parents i just want to offer my prespective: whenever i make a life changing move i prefer to have everything more or less decided since otherwise they make a big deal out of it and tell the most remote cousins and if things get delayed i have to explain to each and every family member. May not be his case but maybe he wants to present something more or les in place to avoid the endless questions?

Well the work permit isn't a goer so looks like it is time to head home...

As an aside, why can't you get bills etc in your name? If you have a SSN, you can be the named person on the bills

Glad he's agreed to head home OP - good luck with the job hunts!

Closer typically if you are not allowed to work you are not allowed to have a ssn.

I'd agree with Nolim, tell his parents when it's all sorted, or nearly there, particularly if they are over-invested in his life. And sound very positive about it. That way, there's no room for movement, discussion, or them "wondering" if he is doing the right thing. And put up a united front, so that they can't try and blame you for the move.

Canyou - it was slightly tongue in cheek, but there were times when he did make my life as difficult as he possibly could - eg not meeting the kids from the school bus, and not answering his phone, which meant that I had to get pulled out of a meeting, jump in a taxi, dash across town, and pick them up from some kind Mum at the bus stop, otherwise they would have been taken back to school, and have to be collected from there (which would have been a logistical nightmare). This was not a one-off.

Coming to this thread a bit late, and I am really glad that you are closer to getting things sorted namechangenell.

We were in a very similar position - although in Australia rather than the US. I was bitterly homesick and when the contract was coming to its end (or so I thought) I brought the dc home and applied for schools etc.

That was 2.5 years ago and dh finally came back for good this month. It has put a massive strain on our marriage and although I try really hard not to resent him it is tricky. I can spend weeks feeling ok and then get waves of hurt and anger that our happiness was apparently so secondary to him.

Looking back I was ridiculously naive. You only regret the things you don't do - I thought.

I think that saying is bollocks too,
scone! Your situation sounds very hard on you.

I guess it's up to him how he manages his parents, the main thing is that he actively makes progress towards seeing through the agreed plan!

I'm glad to read your update OP - I'm sure it will be the right thing for you both and I hope your DH is able to do it with good grace.

We were in the US for six years and because we always knew we'd be moving back I felt like I was just marking time in many ways. Yes, we had a lovely (rented) flat, friends, a social life, lived in a nice town, etc, but we didn't want to buy there or get too settled and after a while I was impatient for us to be able to own our own place and make friends that we might just have in ten years time, rather than knowing that we'd be leaving and always having that fact hanging over things.

Yes - no SSN - that's the whole problem. No SSN so no right to work with my visa type. Technically I'm entitled to a basic bank account and can go to school... Honestly, the whole system is so archaic and bureaucratic. But that's for another thread! We have a couple of bills with me as a named secondary account holder - well woohoo!

The ILs thing is going to be interesting. They are super over invested and very (too!) supportive of DH's career. His brother too actually. They are not short of money and very inclined to 'facilitate' things that wouldn't happen otherwise as we simply couldn't afford them. DH appears to have got into the habit of allowing them to bankroll us... I have had no part in this and have been very clear (again) that this is between him and his parents, it is not money that we have borrowed jointly. Again, possibly for another thread but I was always brought up to save and budget. He uses his parents as a temporary overdraft... They can afford to hand out the cash so it's not like there's anything wrong technically - I just refuse to be beholden to them because of it.

I will keep you posted. DH has set up some meetings in London when we are in the UK next month so will be going to see a couple of estate agents.

Mrs - I don't know how bad things got with your husband but I can totally understand the feeling of being the drudge, the secondary consideration. In our whole time here, DH has taken three days off when I've been unwell and that was for chronic D&V when I literally couldn't leave the bathroom. There was no way I could have looked after two toddlers as well. Resentment does start to set in when you have no choice about when you can and can't be ill (and I'm not a delicate flower type, could go years when working without need for a sick day). Then there are the evening events (which I rarely go to in the first place) that get forgotten or missed due to meetings that drag on. It's the fact that he could stay longer in the office if he wanted to that gets me, because I'm always here to be with the children. I can't ever just pop out as I'm restricted either by him not being here or the limits of a babysitter's hours. Maybe your husband had good reason to whine...

Precisely juneau - marking time. Life's too short for that!

I'm coming in late to this but a somewhat similar situation as you and don't know how to broach it because DH is doing so well in a job he really enjoys. We recently got our GC (took 14months from H1B/H4) so I can legally work but my industry relies so heavily on personal relationships that I'm now having to build from the ground up and trying to get gigs that I'm bankrolling myself or minimum not earning at all - while being told by various ex-colleagues that there are gigs waiting at home for me when I want to come back.

We thought 3-4yrs, I know DH wants to stay permanently. We've been here 3.5yrs and agreed at the beginning of this year we'd def do 2 more years then go travelling, I want to then move home. I'm willing to still bust a gut between now and then trying to work, as I don't want to go home with nothing to show for it - but I burst into tears after speaking to UK customer service on the phone the other day, such was the relief of someone actually understanding everything I was saying!

It's very hard because on paper life is very good here, and we would prob have less money and def a smaller home in the UK but I feel like my life has been on hold the last few years and I too have been very naive.

I'm considering trying to get a job in London over the summer next year and had it mind all 4 of us could go back (he can work from the UK office of his company for a bit) for the school holidays....he just said "why would I come?" which obviously shoots down me trying to work because the nature of my work I rely heavily on him being available in the evenings and on weekends to look after the children. I was starting to think it might be a good halfway house of seeing if we could live in the UK again, but it looks like he's happy for me to go and work wherever I please but he doesn't want to leave.

I know I just need to bring it up but my self esteem and self worth is so low (from not working for so long) that I just can't face it when theoretically and logistically it makes sense to stay, but in my heart I'm not happy and I know I can re-enter at my career where I left off at home.

Namechange - I did feel like I was being punished at times! He didn't do any housework, cooking, or anything really, he just pleased himself. All he had to do was meet the kids at the bus stop at 4.30, and often didn't manage that (he turned up at 8.00 pm once, having "lost track of time"). I didn't expect a clean house or my dinner on the table when I got in, but it would have been nice if the breakfast stuff hadn't still been on the table. (I used to leave the house at 7.20 with the DDs to catch the school bus at 7.30.) Things improved a bit when he got a remote working job, and a lot when the girls were old enough to walk home on their own from the bus stop, and didn't need to be met, as this removed a huge amount of stress from me - I didn't have one eye on the clock, wondering if I was going to get a phone call and have to jump in a cab to cross town to meet the DDs.

So I don't think he was the drudge - maybe, on occasion, the secondary consideration, but I would never have left him alone if he was ill (or have made a fuss about it). I was lucky, in that my working hours were fairly regular, and any "evening" events tended to start at 6.00 and be done by 8.00 - in reality, I'd never spend longer than an hour there. I've got "working the floor" and being out of the door quickly down to a fine art!

AmericasTorturedBrow Why have you agreed to stay another 2 years if you're so happy? Surely 3.5 years is long enough to keep your life and career on hold? You have stuck to what was originally agreed (3-4 years). Your DH is being extremely selfish expecting you to sacrifice your career and happiness indefinitely. If I were you I would be tempted to go home without him - if he would agree to you taking the kids, that is.

Argh, meant "if you're so unhappy"!!

Americas, your DH is being very unfair. Your needs and wishes are as important as his. in your shoes I would be considering working towards a return to the UK, with or without him, and seeking legal advice about the DC.

OP your ILs sound tricky and your H like he hasn't "detached" from them IYSWIM? Makes me think of "game theory" when they are the critical parent and he's the child seeking approval, when ideally things move to adult to adult. I have been trying to make that transition myself for a long while (money isn't involved in our case, but parents can be "over invested" as you put it! Eg mum often "wonders" about things like whether I should quit work) and it's not easy or sorted yet but in the right direction!

Mrs S your DH behaved like an arsehole at that time didn't he! Towards the DC as well as you. If he was unhappy there were more appropriate ways to deal with that.

Americas - I'm sorry you're in a similar situation. I think we have a lot in common! Particularly the life is actually pretty good here bit - it's very strange knowing that my demands/need to go home will rip apart what is a very nice life here. HOWEVER, as one poster explained so clearly above, the need for me to have a right to work overrides all of that. We can't live in limbo forever. And whilst things are nice here, they could be nice back home too, in a house that we own, decorated as we like, close to family and friends we've known for years. It didn't really hit me until last year, when a couple of my friends moved from their first homes into 'forever' homes and I started to feel left behind somehow. Not that life is a competition, but if we'd been in the UK, we wouldn't have been renting, we'd have been creating a nice family home in a nice community for the children and I don't think we'll ever have that here (despite where we live being lovely).

It's interesting that your GCs came through relatively quickly. I don't think it would change much, but if I knew the timescale on that, it could make things slightly easier. I don't want us to apply and then it take years and then we hang on and hang on indefinitely. I feel like such an idiot sometimes. In fact, I wonder what the hell I was thinking agreeing to move here without the right to work. I wouldn't do it again, that's for sure. But then with that comes a sense of failure - and I don't want the time we've spent here to have been that. There have been some fun times. I'm reality, I had a small baby when we moved, had just about got my head around being a Mum, I was knackered and in hindsight, didn't think things through well enough...

Mrs - that must have been really tough. I think I've been pregnant or breastfeeding or both and chronically sleep deprived for much of the time we've spent here so I would have appreciated more back up from DH, especially given we didn't have family around. I get pretty much zero time to myself (or at least when I'm not available to the childen - if they're upset it's me they want, if they need something in the night, it's me that gets it etc). I'm not sure how much of that is the fault of the US though - rather it's just a side effect of being a Mum with young children! It sounds like your children were older and as mine have got older, it has got easier, so I can't really understand your DH's behaviour. However, I do understand how he may well have felt trapped/that he was stagnating and you were the only person he could see as holding him back. In some ways I do empathize with his resentment of you (despite his bad behaviour. I also wonder if he wasn't incredibly lonely? Or perhaps depressed? If I've been on the go with the kids since 5:45 and know DH won't be home until after a meeting that ends at 20:00, and that I can't just pop out easily during that time as I have two small people with me or who I have to be around for because they're in bed, it's pretty tough.

Duck - totally. His younger brother is better at 'managing' them and DH has improved. Every now and then when I've challenged things it's like he hasn't thought things could be done another way, IYSWIM. PILs, FIL in particular, are very anti change, like to hang onto things just in case... When I mooted changing career once, I got a lecture from FIL about how I'd have wasted all the contacts I'd spent time building etc. It's hard to explain. FIL is also extremely anxious about everything and that tends to permeate every discussion. He's actually very bright and well traveled but he's such a doom mongerer! He nearly drove me crazy when I was pregnant as he was so panicked about everything, stressing about what if I went into labour at the weekend and Drs weren't as good as during the week. If/when we tell them about a move, it will be all 'what a shame' and 'can't you make it work?'. If I ever say anything negative about where we are now, I'm totally shot down and told I can't think that, can't say that etc. I've said that I wouldn't make this move again in the past and he got really annoyed, saying that I have to put a positive spin on it for the children (not that they were there or could overhear). Then he went on about what a great life they have here, which is true. It didn't seem to matter that this was at the expense of my happiness!

Anyway, enough rambling. Bags to pack as we head across the Atlantic this weekend. I'll come back and update on plans.

Americas - feel free to PM if you want to chat more.