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Living overseas

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Original poster

I want to move home, DH doesn't... Anyone else had similar?

92 replies

Namechangenell · 28/07/2015 17:44

Hi - we moved to the USA 3 years ago. I had one baby at the time and I was happy to be a stay at home Mum in the short term. We've since had another baby. The plan was to move back to the UK this summer as DC1 starts school in September 2016 and we need to buy a house and be living in it before the reception place application deadline in January.

So - here's the issue. DH recently got promoted and it would be great for his career if we could stay longer. And I'm sick of it here! I can't work as I'm a dependent on DH's visa and the green card process takes years, literally. We could end up staying here for another three years and I still wouldn't be able to work... I've manufactured a life for us here - we have good friends and the kids have a great time - lots of time outdoors, lovely preschools etc. But it's not home, this was always meant to be a short term move and I want my life and career back. Financially it makes sense to move as here we'd end up paying for private schools as the local state ones are awful (armed guards on the doors) but DH is reluctant.

Has anyone been in a similar position? What did you do? Living costs are about the same as back home - split differently but roughly the same. I just can't continue to put my own life on hold whilst DHexcels in his career but I stagnate.

OP posts:
juneau · 28/07/2015 19:16

I know they'll be dripping poison in DH's ear re me being the one 'forcing' the move back when his career is flourishing.

Then they're arseholes, quite simply! And your DH should defend your position to them. ILs can be terrible (IMO) for driving a wedge between couples and the two of you should present a united front. Its none of their business anyway, which he should tell them and then close down the conversation.

Original poster
Namechangenell · 28/07/2015 19:16

Venus - but that time is now. DC1 needs a reception place from September 2016 and we'll need to apply from a permanent UK address by January. Hence we have five months to make the move (or me move back with the kids by then and DH follow?). If it wasn't London, again dictated by DH's role, I'd be less worried, but school places are so scarce in the borough we'd likely go back to. I do actually agree with the grass being greener where you water it mantra, but I have tried. I've volunteered, I've got involved in loads of stuff locally, I just can't be here without the right to an independent working life. Maybe another year could be manageable, but if that messes up school applications for DC1, why not just move a few months sooner and have done?

Aside from this, DH and I are relatively happy by the way! He's not a bad person at all, we just seem to have ended up in situation we didn't wuite expect to. If he hadn't been promoted recently, we'd have been all set to move back this summer.

OP posts:
Atomik · 28/07/2015 19:16

if I chose not to come back to the US, he'd have actually helped me take the kids to the UK and so couldn't say I'd kidnapped them

You need legal advice. It is not always as simple as "well he didn't object to them coming to the UK so I didn't kidnap them". You may need a document that confirms he expressly agreed to them relocating to the UK permanently.

It really is worth covering your back to the max on this one, the fallout if you haven't got it water tight can be significant.

Original poster
Namechangenell · 28/07/2015 19:24

Atomik - if it came to that, I would definitely take advice. At this stage at least, we are hopefully a way off that yet.

OP posts:
Nolim · 28/07/2015 19:28

Op is your dh eu citizen? If not getting back to the uk could be tricky due to visa regulations for spouses of uk citizens.

Original poster
Namechangenell · 28/07/2015 19:29

Yes - both British.

OP posts:
Duckdeamon · 28/07/2015 19:38

The promotion is by-the-by, unless the pay rise is significant enough to cover the opportunity costs of your not working plus private school fees, which seems unlikely! It will look good on DH's CV whatever.

Agree with your angst re popular London schools, there is turnover in London but places often go to people paging big money for rentals right next door!

Original poster
Namechangenell · 28/07/2015 19:41

Exactly Duck - not insignificant but not of that magnitude (unfortunately!). I think we both (and I'm guilty of this too) got swept up in the 'great opportunity' idea but long term, it just won't work.

OP posts:
PrimalLass · 28/07/2015 19:44

My mum was like this. It was supposed to be 3 years and ended up 15.

Original poster
Namechangenell · 28/07/2015 19:45

Primal - how did that end?

I think it's easy to go down the green card route but then after that it's residency/citizenship and then people just don't stop. I don't even want to start!

OP posts:
HerRoyalNotness · 28/07/2015 19:49

Not sure if this would apply to you specifically but do some research just in case

H4 to EAD

I understand how you feel. Im wanting to leave US, DH doesn't. His argument is he will earn 30-40% less going back to uK with another company. Even if he transfers with current company will mean 20% paycut. Fortunately i can work here, but still its pretty rotten living where you don't want to be.

PrimalLass · 28/07/2015 19:51

It is currently ending in a bitter divorce Hmm

Nolim · 28/07/2015 19:51

You have my sympathy op. There are things i dont like about the uk immigration system (like no birthright citizenship for my dc for instance) but that they do allow partners to work is a plus. I have no advice other than make your point clearly and logically. Fwiw i think than a happy partner is a key factor in finding a place to live.

I think it's easy to go down the green card route but then after that it's residency/citizenship

green card is residency.

Original poster
Namechangenell · 28/07/2015 19:58

But residency can end if you leave the US for a significant period, can't it? As in the green card can be revoked? So people end up hanging around for a few more years to get citizenship. My point was that there's always another excuse/reason not to leave...

Primal - that sounds so sad. I don't want that to be me.

Her - thanks, I'll have a look at that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Namechangenell · 28/07/2015 20:13

Hmm, I can't work it out! I don't know if I'm the right kind of H4 visa holder... Have asked DH to contact the immigration lawyer his work uses as even if I could work between now and Xmas, it would be good. Though I suspect all these things take time... All that said, I'd still prefer the DC to start school in the UK and to sort out a family home there...

OP posts:
MrsSchadenfreude · 28/07/2015 20:26

I've sort of been in your DH's position (but not in US), and having a whiny, resentful other half is no fun either. We stuck to the four years we agreed, and then came back to UK, although for our last two years overseas, DH did get a job working remotely, which helped a tiny bit, but not massively. I wanted to stay for another year, but I think, with hindsight, coming back was probably the right decision.

I don't think it's easy for either side, to be frank.

HerRoyalNotness · 28/07/2015 20:54

Re the green card, i've heard from others here that yes it can be revoked, but there is a very long process to be followed and has to be taken to court to do so. And barely ever is. Again, just what i've heard from other expats here

NameChange30 · 28/07/2015 20:57

About the in-laws... I agree with juneau:
"Its none of their business anyway, which he should tell them and then close down the conversation."
When you discuss things with your DH, it would be a good idea to ask him to talk to his parents. Tell them it's a sensitive subject, you're working together on a solution, but meanwhile their comments aren't helping, so please could they not comment.

Original poster
Namechangenell · 28/07/2015 21:15

Mrs - I know, I almost feel sorry for DH sometimes when I'm chewing his ear off about us being here. But then we are here for his role, he could work elsewhere and this wasn't the original plan...

OP posts:
Original poster
Namechangenell · 28/07/2015 21:16

Her - that's good to know. Another - that's a great idea.

OP posts:
Duckdeamon · 28/07/2015 21:48

Being flexible and changing plans is sometimes needed but to avoid resentment the level of compromise/sacrifice on each person's part should, over time, be roughly similar.

It's not like there's a dearth of jobs in London.

adsab8222 · 29/07/2015 00:13

It's just a job at the end of the day . Surely having a small family puts that in perspective for him !

canyouforgiveher · 29/07/2015 00:56

OP, if you are certain you want to return to the UK, then I would be very wary of going down the road of trying to get a working visa or enrolling your children in school. Because once you can work, then that reason to return is gone and when the children are in school and doing well, it will seem a shame to disrupt them. You want to return home now having contributed 3 years to your dh's career plans. That seems reasonable. If you postpone, start trying to sort visas etc then you could be looking at another 3 years. Is that what you want?

I know what you mean about your dh being lovely too. Mine is but we fundamentally differed on where we should live. And I compromised and live where he wanted. Eventually that compromise was more because of my children being settled here than his needs which is why I say what I did about schools etc. I am happy here (wouldn't have stayed if I wasn't) but it was hard.

Mrs. Shadenfreude, I don't mean to get on your case but honestly, all those years later if I felt my dh ever for one moment referred or thought of me - even on an anonymous forum as a "whiny resentful spouse" I would lose it.

Original poster
Namechangenell · 29/07/2015 02:50

Canyou - you are absolutely right. I'm almost hoping it's a no to the right to work as then the decision is made. DH will see that even if it takes a while. If I can work here at some point in the near future, he may take more convincing.

OP posts:
MyFriendsCallMeOh · 29/07/2015 03:06

Just a quick word about green cards.... Ours came through within about 5 months so it doesn't always take years. We always try to get residency overseas independently of dh's work in case he loses his job or (God forbid) something happens to him. Our dds are at school here and we have bought our house. I have seen families lose their dad and have 28 days to leave the country including home, friends, school etc, totally heartbreaking. Anyhow, that's our reason for getting green carded. We can hand them back in when we leave if we like and we won't be going for citizenship but I do love skipping the 3 hr queue at immigration every time we fly back to the USA. Also, inheritance laws are much kinder to permanent residents. Would it be worth considering?

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