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Living overseas

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Original poster

Help I'm really struggling.

125 replies

mamaplusbabies · 15/01/2015 06:13

I recently moved to a very poor country where my husband comes from and it's been a complete disaster.

Our flat is ok, good standard but we have no money and my parents in law are taking over my life and my children.

Children are beaten here and I don't like this but no one seems to care what I think or feel.

We don't have a lot of food and what we are eating / drinking is making us ill as we have constant diarreah and nausea. Today we don't have any more drinking water so I have had to boil the tap water and we are drinking that. I don't have a car or any money so I can't go out. We have 3 eggs left and that's it. My husband has gone out to look for money. I have no more nappies for the baby.

I feel such a fool as I've given up an OK life in the UK for this - being promised it would be for the best.

I haven't seen my 4 year old since yesterday afternoon I think he is with my sister in law.

I just hate it here and I really don't know how I can get out. I don't have any family of my own to talk to and I just keep bursting into tears every 5 minutes!

OP posts:
alteredimages · 15/01/2015 11:45

Are you in Egypt by any chance? If so, PM me. I am in Cairo.

HelloItsStillMeFell · 15/01/2015 11:46

No, Saudi altered

alteredimages · 15/01/2015 11:52

Sorry, just RTFT and seen that you are in SA. I hope you are able to sort something out soon.

MNHQ
DawnMumsnet · 15/01/2015 12:16

Afternoon all,

Just stopping by to say that, while we have no reason at all to doubt the OP, we do always advise our members to be aware that not everyone on the internet is who they say they are, and that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

OP, we really hope you find a way to resolve this difficult situation. Flowers

SolomanDaisy · 15/01/2015 12:36

In this case, the money is really a secondary consideration anyway. The important thing is to find a way to persuade her DH to give her permission to get the children out of the country.

EilisLiomoid · 15/01/2015 12:45

I know Soloman, I was just wondering how you manage any sort of communication or travel when you have literally no money at all. I realise why it was a bit rash to offer and I wasn't like going to buy a plane ticket. more like lobbing a few notes towards internet and trainfare or whatever, but I get where the other posters are coming from

alteredimages · 15/01/2015 12:46

Ok. I would not recommend trying to convince your husband to let you go back for any reason related to money. Your DH may not be like that but IME raising the money card with Middle Eastern men is taken as criticism of their ability to provide for their family and backfires spectacularly.

Are you a muslim mama? I don't mean to be nosey but it affects your legal position. Also, do you have dual nationality?

My strategy would be to be super conpliant and enthusiastic. Do not let on that you are unhappy. Embrace your in laws and insist on visiting them and spending time with them. Treat them as your superiors and do as they say. Even ask for your MIL's advice with things. This is hard but once they have you pegged as the ideal DIL there is a lot more room for manoeuvre. Every time your DH wants to take your DCs to relatives insist on going to get to know them better/spend time with them. If they aren't horrible people they will respond and be pleased.

If you don't know arabic insist on spending time with family to learn. If you are muslim ask for religion lessons or go to SIL so she can teach you the basics. Tell your DH you are so glad that Allah is giving you patience and you are sure that Allah will provide for you and open a way for you soon with respect to work for DH.

Decisions are made comunally as a family so you need PIL on side to make progress with DH. Foreign wives are viewed suspiciously because there is always a fear of abduction. We are also vulnerable because we have no advocates. Even after marriage, disputes are resolved between the husband and the woman's male relatives so some people take advantage of the fact you have no one to stick up for you.

You might find that everything sorts itself out once the ILs get to know you and trust you. If not, at least you will have built up trust to ask to travel to the UK. You might have to take your DH with you as a chaperone but once in the UK you should be able to move freely.

If however your DH continues taking your DCs away to relatives without you I would worry that he was planning an abduction and would go to the consulate any way I could.

Original poster
mamaplusbabies · 15/01/2015 14:51

Thank you everyone for your kind words.

Even if I wanted to receive money I couldn't without asking my husband so that's out! I don't have a bank account here and I can't leave the house alone.

Will post more later.

Still no son but my other sister in law brought me food and drinking water and diapers Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
mamaplusbabies · 15/01/2015 15:17

I am not Muslim - this should tell you a lot about how liberal my husband was and why I didn't see this coming.... His family however....

I don't have dual nationality no.

OP posts:
Millionsmom · 15/01/2015 15:41

Ok. IME
You can leave if you have a multi entry/exit visa at anytime and just take your time going back. But you probably don't have one yet as it costs money.
Does your DH have a job? Can you leave the flat? Where in the country are you exactly? Sorry, but you may have to put the abayer on and hit the supermarket to beg. This may be your only option to get money together.
Phone credit is easy to get, and last ages for little cost. Make your plan.
You may need to use some of your DH clothes to drive 'out'. But the border with Iraq and Jordan is pretty fluid and it may be easier to get to the consulate in one of those more civilised countries. Crossing somewhere without passport controls is probably the only way you can leave without your passports. Even if you reached the consulate in Riyadh, May not be the answer - I wouldn't trust them to help, the Saudi Gov is more important than you and your children to the British Gov. Sorry I'm no longer there to help you. There are no easy fixes where you are.

Millionsmom · 15/01/2015 15:45

Oh, I know you're not Muslim, but if your husband is, you are too according to Saudis. If you go begging, it may shame his family into giving you money etc. The Red Crescent is everywhere in Saudi - I'll try and find out how you can get help from them.
This is going to be hard, but you can do this!

alteredimages · 15/01/2015 15:46

Glad your immediate needs are being met. How are you communicating with his family? Hope you can at least chat with his sisters so you aren't too lonely.

Hope the constant Oprah and Dr Phil on MBC4 doesn't drive you barmy.

Original poster
mamaplusbabies · 15/01/2015 18:08

Yes I can chat with them about superficial things.....

We don't have a TV yet - too broke Blush I would welcome some Dr Phil lol

OP posts:
pupsiecola · 15/01/2015 21:02

Have you got your son back mama?

Original poster
mamaplusbabies · 16/01/2015 06:05

My son is back Smile he brought him about 10pm last night so we went straight to bed!
If I don't post it's because I'm running out of credit today.

OP posts:
rootypig · 16/01/2015 07:13

Good news mama. Play it cool. Do try to email the embassy - so that at the very least, they know you're there.

Marcipex · 16/01/2015 08:00

Hope you're both okay mama. Hopefully your DS had fun playing with his cousins.
I think you've had some good advice. I know things are really hard for you, but if you can put a good front on while you make long term plans, it will really help overall. Being friendly with in laws and learning the language can't hurt and may turn out better than you expect.
I know you must feel completely lost though.

Ziglinda · 16/01/2015 08:19

Just wanted to give my support. What a terribly difficult situation. So glad your son is back.

HelloItsStillMeFell · 16/01/2015 10:14

mama do you think your husband would object if you said you wanted to make friends with other British/English speaking women there who were also married to Saudi men? There are bound to be loads, especially if you are in Jeddah or Riyadh. Tell him you would really like to make some friends (British Muslim women only or at least women who are married to Muslim men) to help you feel less isolated. Maybe you could say you want to find some ladies to take arabic classes with?

That might be your key to feeling a bit less miserable in the short term and it should be reasonably easy to sell him the idea so long as you don't look like you want to be led astray by any expat infidels. Smile

Original poster
mamaplusbabies · 17/01/2015 10:58

Ok so I'm trying to think long term and if/when I can find a way out, I've been looking at how I can find accommodation in the UK away from where we came from (don't want him to find us).
Can't google too much as uses all my credit but it would seem if I am out of the UK I will have to wait 3 months before I can use any public services / claim any benefits. Also would I be classed as "intentionally homeless" as I have chosen to leave? What about moving to a different area would that be out as they wouldn't have to house us?

To make matters worse and despite having the contraception injection every 3 months I think I may be pregnant. Don't want to tell him though as he will be angry so will just have to monitor symptoms for now as no way to buy a test on my own.

OP posts:
Ziglinda · 17/01/2015 12:06

I don't know the details of the public housing system but I would have thought if you have escaped the situation you describe, it wouldn't be described as 'intentionally homeless'. Surely they would make allowances for someone leaving such a difficult situation - I would have thought you would qualify for emergency housing. Someone else on here will know about this.

SolomanDaisy · 17/01/2015 12:57

How long have you been out of the UK? If it's less than six months then you are still habitually resident, so eligible for public support.

Original poster
mamaplusbabies · 17/01/2015 13:17

Well under 6 months at the moment but I may have to sit tight until I can pay for the flights so may well be over 6 months.

OP posts:
SolomanDaisy · 17/01/2015 13:22

What would your DH say if you suggested returning to the UK while you're still eligible for benefits? It might be a way to persuade him to allow you to leave.

HelloItsStillMeFell · 17/01/2015 15:09

I think if you have children then whichever council you pitch up in will have a duty to house you one way or another, regardless of your personal circumstances.